Your poor mother should not have to deal with this sort of thing at her age. Bless her and bless you for trying to deal with it all as best you can!
Well done for holding your anger and seeing her as the victim,as that is what she truly is. She sounds like a wonderful mother and at the end of the day, he is her son and it cannot be easy for her to see bad in any of her children.
I am so sad for you but you are handling it the best way I think.
Stay strong and keep in touch with us all.
Much love to you and yours.

Great for you Twin. I hate not be trusing of your brother but the money he borrowed and paid $1 at a time, did her borrow money during this pay-back process.

Maybe if you showed your mom the Kelly Blue Book which will list the car's worth. If your brother has any outstanding warrants and doesn't get it transferred immediately your mom could be liable, I am sure you have thought of that. My step dad has a dead beat daughter and she had the nerve to ask him for their car. It looks like he will now just include it in his estate. What nerve these people have, they can't even wait until someone has passed to get their greedy paws on things. Your mom's car should be an asset for all of the siblings not just him, imo.

Di

It is sad to hear your mom was crying, it seems that deep down she is more aware and very sad. Unless he has paperwork from his disability it is a shot in the dark if he will get it or not. Besides with his track record it would be spent on everything but his obligation to your mom.

Di

Just out of curiosity where does he live and how long has he lived there?

He lives in an apartment a few miles from her home. He has lived there about 3 years. He lived in a previous apartment for about 3 years too. Prior to that, he lived in my mom's condo for about 2 years. He complained that he needed to move from her condo because my mom wasn't respectful of "his space." HIS SPACE? It was her condo! This is right around the time that I found the evidence that he had been surfing for porn on her computer. I found out recently that he also went to my brother's house and did the same thing.

I will find out the Blue Book value and give it the information to her. He's always had a strangle-hold on her emotionally but the cancer recurrence really seals it. I find it difficult to feel compassion for him re: his illness because of all the crap he has pulled and continues to pull with my mom. My own opinion is that my mom probably shouldn't drive, but not so he can have her car.

Re: the money . . . Yes, during that time he was still exploiting her for money telling her every financial hardship he has. So, she'd give him money and pay his car insurance and pay for gas in her own car so he could drive around.

ugh.

The disability is confirmed, but in order to not forfeit his eligibility for state sponsored insurance he has to spend the money by the end of the month. He did very little to find a car until last week. He could pay forward on his rent and his utilities to provide for his physical security but I'm pretty sure that he will spend it on an airline ticket so he can have "some time off" (to use his words). When one of my brothers suggested these things to him, he smugly told him . . . "these are my decisions" which is code for "don't tell me what to do."

Hi Twin, in some cases regarding disability a person receiving aid cannot drive a car over $5K, which is what I think most states have. He can't have a car worth anymore and say it is only worth 5K, the people with the aids group are not stupid.

I would think him driving in her car could provide to be a dangerous situation; she would be the one to lose if anything happens.

Di

I wanted to let you know that I've re-initiated counseling services for myself. My first appointment will be this coming Monday. I've got to sort through all of this (again)! As I wrote previously, I've got to figure out how to maintain a good relationship with my mom despite my brother's destructive, exploitative, and dysfunctional relationship with her. The relationship between them is separate from my relationship with her, but I often feel like I'm cleaning up the messes that he's dumped on her.

Hi Twin, it is much appreciated that you took the time to let us know how you are progressing. I see it as a very positive step and even though it will be very hard, from what I know of you and your writings I know you can do it. Seperating those feelings will only help you to have the relationship with your mom. He will obviously never change but you are being the adult and making moves to change. I am guessing your mom knows this deep down and I can only imagine how glad she will be to form a relationship with you.

I am sure the therapist will help you with some constructive comments when your brothers name gets brought up about your brother.

He isn't worth wasting having a relationship with your mother, you will rest better in the end knowing you stuck with her no matter what he does.

Let us know how the therapist is able to help you move this boulder out of the way so you can have a relationship with your mother regardless of what he does or says.

Di

Hi All -

Therapy is going well. It is painful at times, but all and all it is going well. One of the things that I'm realizing is how profoundly my upbringing (with his needs and head games) has impacted my marriage. From an early age, the needs of my sister and I were not acknowledged or met. I think that I was raised to accomodate, to not rock the boat, to make sure he didn't get upset, etc., etc. 40 + years of daily doses of putting his needs and my mom's needs first has really made me forget my self and my own needs. I've got some work to do on me.

Theatre and Violet -- Thanks for your kind replies. I really appreciate them. Keeping my fingers crossed and my boundaries rock solid for thanksgiving.

Hi -

My brother had a very peculiar and verbally abusive episode the other day with my friend who I paid to help him secure SSDI. He received a standard letter from them asking him to submit (actually re-submit) his work history from the past three years. The letter also stated that if he had any questions he could call them.

He asked my friend to look at the letter and she explained that it was a standard letter and that he should resubmit the work history record. He responded that he was going to call them and tell them "This is inappropriate. I'm not going to jump through any more of your hoops. I refuse." My friend patiently explained to him that this was standard and that she didn't think that he should do this because it would draw negative attention to his case and potentially flag him for an audit. She's a very straightforward and very patient person, but keep in mind he asked her for her opinion and help on this letter.

When he didn't like what she had to say he got angry at her and said "Calm down. Calm down." She looked confused at how he was escalating this. Again he said, "I said calm down." So my friend took the letter, gave it back to him, and said, "I don't think it is good idea to call them. Just re-submit the work history." So he takes the letter and rolls it into a tube, puts it in front of his mouth, and starts saying really loudly, "Attention. Attention. I said calm down. Attention. Attention." (etc, etc.)

I know he's done this kind of stuff with my mom. I've been on the phone when he's there and she can't get him to stop, but my mom blocks it out (or something) after it is over. Although I felt bad that my friend experienced this, it was in an odd way validating.

At first, I wasn't going to go to Thanksgiving Dinner at my sister's because I knew he'd be there, but I decided to go and then made a conscious effort to not engage him at all. I did it and because of that my day went pretty well.

It shows what a grasp on society. SSI always denies the first, time I would this would be determine how much they would pay him. There is some forumal going through the work field depends on how much he will receive in pay. He should be lucky he is on the last phase, how on heck does he think SSI would figure out his past income with no idea he made in the past./ They have a formula that is based on employment during a certain period.


What does he think that SSI dreams up the amount