Hi Di and many thanks for all your insights and concern, here and in private. I agree this is the best place to put this post. Only a court-ordered doctor, untrained in child abuse issues, can examine the child, and I'm told it's akin to repeating the trauma. It's not recommended unless I'm convinced of invasive molestation, and I don't think that's the case. Just perhaps things that are inappropriate. Outwardly he's very loving when he's with her and she seems happy to be with him, not cowering or shy or anything. She's also made no mention of such things for more than a month or so, except for the penis mention at the psych's office last week. Could be because it gets attention (certainly mine), maybe they discuss it at playschool... Today there was nothing to report. Daughter won't talk about her father at all when asked directly, even by me. This makes me also wonder tho, if there was any keep-silent "programming" going on. She is forever wanting to sleep with me too and I asked her tonight while we were pretending we were cars, why, and she mentioned something about a fireman coming in during the night. Okay I can't get too paranoid, as maybe it is scary for a kid to sleep alone in their room. I even get scared sometimes. But could he have been going into her room while she slept? Too creepy to consider and I hope that's just my over-fertile imagination.
She is perturbed now that her father made her wipe her own bottom when she was with him - this is because of my alarm since I mentioned my concerns to him. Just the fact I suspected something was enough to stop him going any further, I hope, if indeed anything happened. I'm just trying to be cautious and not paranoid. The pedi will examine her as her vag issue is ongoing, so I hope to have more answers there (and hopefully not more questions).
He was very offended that I'd even think such a thing, and did keep saying in very heavy terms, what he would do to anyone who did something to her. So much so that the last time I told him to stop, I get the idea. Doth he protest too much? Just so annoying being in this quicksand, not-knowing, agitated position, which in a way is typical - to be put in a perennial state of anxiety. Drip drip drip...

Hi, I would still take her to your own Dr. because I believe in most states at least here the Dr. is obligated by law to report any abuse. Who said only a court appointed Dr. could be the only one to exam her. You have every right to take her to her own Dr., this sounds weird.

Now that the subject has been raised with your x I can only guess the silencing is starting.

Google: nanny cams. I would also put one in her room because it is likely she may start acting out sexually when she is alone.

I wouldn't brush this off as a over active imagination, children don't dream up this stuff and he has a vested interest in lying. I think in your heart of hearts you know what is really going on.

You need to have evidence in cement and getting cameras going will help prove your case. You are in for a fight but I feel like you are up to it to protect your child.

Take a few minutes and start a journal and then look and see how clear the evidence is that something is going on. Journal and film everything if you want to get her out of his hands. I would also stop talking to him about it, it is feeding him on where to be more careful to not be exposed. Just act like everything is normal but you need to start with a journal, filming and getting her to see her own Dr. for a physical exam, just make it look like a childhood exam or some kid at school had something like lice or whatever you have to say to make the visit seem to not raise flags, I think lice is a good one since it would require the Dr. to look over her body. You can say that you met another mother while you were picking up your daughter and she said her child had lice and was suspicious she got it at school from some other kid. I would also have up a meeting and be friends with her teacher to monitor how she is behaving at school. Teachers I believe also have to report any signs of abuse so if the teacher can be trusted to be on the look out you can have some more witnesses.

We can support you but only you can rescue her.


Di

Hi Di, the court-ordered doc is for admissible evidence. But you raised more issues I will also ask her doc about tomorrow, so thank you for that. I thought it was normal for children to be curious about their privates at this age, so I've said she could "explore" by herself in private. She's mentioned doing it a couple of times (comes out of her room and tells me), the last time just recently. Oh maybe it was Sunday night. Re evidence, he takes her swimming.

I really don't know what is "normal", that is why I would put in cameras and see what she says or does while "exploring" herself.

Swimming, either I am too skeptical or he is one slick guy. The swimming part is interesting. It would remove obvious signs like pubic hair more than likely but if you get her swim suit back I would bag it for professional inspection.

I think there is some confusion here, I think you have every right to take her to her own Dr., you need an evidence trail even for a court appointed Dr. Listen to your heart. This doesn't make sense to not have exams to prove your point instead of waiting for the court to say so. I know that in many cases in divorces abuses are made as accusations for power vs. truth but I think when you have these bells in your mind I would listen to them very carefully, just because it is a wild accusations in many cases to get even doesn't mean it can't be true in your case, quite the opposite, you will have to document more to make sure you aren't brushed off as an angry x tossing around false allegations.

Di

Di you've raised more questions, and I am feeling like a wide-eyed dope. Good target, me, and also good thing I found you. He has another bathing suit for her, he has everything - waterwings, toothbrush/paste even though she only spends a few hours in the afternoons with him. She told me he also changes her clothes, her top at least, when she goes to visit, and then changes back to the clothes I put on her before he brings her home. He didn't do this the last time though. I will also bring this up with her doctor tomorrow.

Hi, I contacted a friend who is a therapist who specializes in child abuse. I asked her about the acting out and exploring herself and her immediate reaction one was that it is a key sign of abuse.

Promise me you will order those cameras to have one in her room because since your daughter mentioned this in front of him he will be harder to catch. She (the therapist) agreed it is likely that in her room she will probably act out and even verbalize further, like carry on conversations with herself that she has had with her "father". They are easy to hide in the rooms, I would get one in each room and you can monitor her on your computer when she is in her room.

It will be tough if she does indeed start to act out in her room but keep in mind you have to have evidence as painful as it will be to be on the sidelines for now. Do NOT show any reaction or try to lead her in any way. When he is present, act pleasant as hard as that will be and it will be tough, you have to act like you don't suspect a single thing. Odds are he has already been working on silencing her since he was there when she brought the subject up, remember any questions or things you say to her will in innocence be told back to him. It won't be easy but worth it in the end. I know as a mother you will want to leap into action but you need the evidence on your side.

Di

Make sure your Dr. is told in confidence and there is no way he can pry out of the Dr. what is going on. I would take her in and then speak to the Dr. later via phone or in a private visit, don't leave any clues, like for example she might say, daddy, mommy took me to the Dr. then they asked me to stay outside while they talked.

Even though he changes her clothes back, he may just slip up and there could be some trail like pubic hair etc. that he misses. There is no perfect crime, get your detective hat on. Ask your Dr. about how to gather garments etc. to not break the chain of evidence to be tested for any signs of semen or hairs. If you can get some of his hair samples.

Hi Di, I answered privately, many many thanks.