I am a 46 year old woman, living with my son, who will turn 7 next month. His dad is a true psychopath. It took me 14 years to understand. However devastating his deceit and abuse were at the time, it is now irrelevant, because I got away with my son in the summer of 2009 and we're doing fine. Also, if you are a victim yourself you can learn and take action. I'm not a victim anymore, because I have insight now. I guess, thanks to a psychopath, I have become only more human myself.

This is about my son.

I was not married to the dad, but after our child was born I signed to the father all the rights I as a mom have automatically. (I live in Holland.) I did this by my own initiative, because I did not at the time understand the nature of the father and because I was a fatherless child myself. These rights of his complicate matters now.
Before our departure, my son had no relationship with his father who was indifferent or absent.
My son was 5 when I had to surprise him by our sudden departure (flight), so my first concern was to fix, through our lawyers, an appointment for regular contact with his dad, to make his life as regular as possible.
I was wary, though, and contacted a psychiatrist who had once accurately suggested the dad "could be a psychopath" (at the time I took it for a weird joke!) and had turned to childpsychology. But he could not advise me, because he was seriously ill.

So my son's relationship with his dad started AFTER our departure.
He started making odd sexual remarks, but seemed to have fun and I ignored it, until one day he came back from his dad and accompanied these remarks with definitely unchildlike gestures and invitations. Even an adult has to LEARN this pornographic idiom by watching movies. He even mentioned his dad. I was so shocked that he said he had been joking and shut up. At that moment, he had not been alone with anybody else but my mom and his dad. Even though I still hoped that he had seen, but not done these things, I applied for help wherever I could.
Nothing much happened beyond applying. In the meantime, to find out HIS truth, I neither approved nor disapproved of his strange sexual behaviour and never asked questions. He always showed this behaviour in happy, cosy situations. Then one day, as I was cooking, and in no way leading him to this, he mentioned his dad in an unmistakable way, saying he did this with his dad and his dad did it to him, so I should do it too and dad said it was good for his body.

From that moment on, december 2009, my applications were taken seriously and I did not let him go to his dad anymore. I went to the police and to the AMK.(concerned with childabuse.)Both have tried to talk to my son, but he clammed up entirely. He was so resistant to talk about it and I knew enough, so I didn't bug him either about it. I only set him right about what is and is not proper social behaviour.
The police declared the father innocent and the accusation false. The AMK said suspicion could not be confirmed.
It went to court december 2010. The judge ordered an investigation (Raad van Kinderbescherming) and in the meantime ordered the child should have a fixed weekly contact with his dad, with a 3rd person. The 3rd person is the dad's girlfriend, who is as blind as I used to be.
This regular appointment makes our son very happy, because it is something definite at last and because he is fonder of his dad than ever.

These are the reasons I submit this post:

*I wish my child to be happy with a dad and I don't want to spoil his fun. But I cannot protect him by telling him what his dad is. He is such a loving and loyal child, as he should be, and he greatly resists anything else than that his dad is fantastic.
Maybe his dad will not try sexual abuse again, but I know his dad lacks the ability to change (like us, normal fools and jerks) and abuses every trust and confidence. Destroying trust, in whatever form, is the greatest psycholgical trauma. I know his dad is faking everything as he has a huge stake in good contact with his son because of the investigation. I also know his dad is able to, because in fact his girlfriend is doing the care and consideration. Once the dad feels safe, he'll abandon this effort with great relief.
At the same time, nobody has a greater stake in trust than a child with a parent.
I don't know to what extent the father might damage his son, but he will. Now he is grooming the child and covering up his tracks.

*I find that, whatever a person's profession, the only people who truly grasp the extent and the implications of a psychopathic personality are the ones with personal experience themselves. The few I have met actually, to my surprise, SPEAK MY SENTENCES. That is how specific this condition is. By now, at last, my son has started counselling and I have didactic support as a mom. But the counsellors, intelligent trained childpsychologists, keep projecting normal communication and relationship problems onto our situation, totally beside the point. They do not grasp the unimaginable and my explanations seem to impair my credibility. The kid and I are doing fine, my son has just had 4 of these saturdays with his dad and is very happy with his dad. Nothing seems the matter.

I have resigned myself to the fact that the only thing I can do is be a good mother which luckily turns out to be a most important task. By creating for him an environment full of trust and content, I hope to make him strong. I just hope, in spite of knowing.

Wendy,

I understand what you are going through. My child's father is a psychopath. My child is close to the age of your child. I absolutely understand how you are feeling!

First of all, cut yourself some slack. You managed to leave your relationship with the psychopath and that is fantastic! You have already done wonders for yourself and for your son based on that alone. Your son will not have to witness you being mistreated by his father. That saves him from so much pain. Do not minimize how much damage you have prevented by taking that huge step.

I was also a fatherless child. I overcompensated for this by desperately trying to foster a relationship between my daughter and her psychopath father. Her father was also indifferent, and absent to say the least, months on end with no contact. I hunted him down, relentlessly trying to stay in contact with him. I tried to pursuad him to be involved. I tried to guilt him into being more of a father. I maintained contact with the mothers of his other children, so that my daughter would know her siblings.

The years went by, yet he never changed. He continued to pull his great disappearing act. I never had a good explanation for my daughter as to why he would be unavailable for months at a time. I would call him and inform him of upcoming events for her (in school, church, etc.) Then I would sit and wait to see if he would even show. The disappointment that my daughter went through was more consistent than actual contact with him.

My story is long and the details are numerous. My point is that I UNDERSTAND. It is hard, or I should say more accurately, it is hell, trying to coparent with a psychopath. Our particular circumstances are unique, yet our pain is the same. The only thing worse than the devastation that man has caused me, is witnessing the pain he has caused our child. Like your son, my daughter absolutely adored her father. She enjoyed her time with him so much, that his repeated absences hurt her that much more.

I can share more of my story if you would like. Please feel free to share more of yours. Perhaps you will be comforted in knowing that I UNDERSTAND. If you are interested, I can share with you what I have learned so far. Feel free to ask specific questions. More than anything, please realize that you are not alone. Over here, on the other side of the world, I am sitting at my computer, logged on to this forum. I am reading your words, and I recognize some of them as if they were my own.

Dear Violet,

Yes, you really DO understand. Oh...thank you.....it means so much to me...thank you for your response!

This is an IMPOSSIBLE balancing act. There seems to be no right way to help your child deal with it. Compared to that, my own adult suffering at the time was so simple and straightforward!

I respect my child's love and loyalty but at the same time it makes him such a perfect prey.

Everything you have learned, I'd be very, very happy to know.

Today my son said a couple of times: when is it going to be saturday? How long will it take? Dad misses me so much.
I don't even have to explain to you (wow!) that his dad does not miss him at all: you know! How's that for manipulation! Pulling heartstrings!Callous deceit! And the kid is in it with his whole loving heart.
My son is a very kind, emotional personality, overflowing in enthousiasm and totally reticent about his sadnesses. I can't pry, only tell him I'm there to help, but he won't talk about his feelings, even if he could name them. He does tell some things about what he has done with his dad and the girlfriend and some things they say - enough for me to know the dad now has the operation going of creating a grand impression on the investigators who might come along any day now. It is one big faked act that began after it went to court and he couldn't do it without his girlfriend. She is sweet, kind for his son and does not understand what she is being used for. She is very happy to help and to make things better for everybody. (Of course.)

I'm not even interested in pursuing his dad, whatever he might have done. All I want is my son to be safe from abuse and all the subtle ways the dad has of making other people feel inferior and lose confidence in their own experience, and isolating them by demeaning all other relationships they have. (His favorite fantasy used to be leading a sect.) So if I'd be perfectly honest with myself: if I encourage my son to be with his dad, it is only to appear decent myself, hoping that that makes people listen to me instead of dismissing me as a vengeful ex and also to appease my own guilt. The dad I wish my son to have (any imperfect dad, but a dad who FEELS his sons exists independently) DOES NOT EXIST AT ALL.

I never ever speak ill to my son about his father, but of course he sees that I avoid contact and that I don't have any signs of his existence in our house except for himself. Since our departure this has been my strict policy: the dad has 3 ways of contacting me, which are adequate for necessary information about our son (what time to pick him up, what should he take along, when he'll be in hospital and for what). He can textmessage me. He can contact me by letter through his lawyer. He sees me at my door when he brings/takes our son or at out son's bedside at the hospital. I remain strictly wellbehaved and communicate only what is absolutely necessary (even the smallest detail about our life he turns into something nasty against me.) He cannot pass my frontdoor. I do not open the door when he comes unexpectedly. I do not speak to him on the telephone. He has found me so unyielding with these boundaries that he does not attempt to violate them. I've learned -this is a Dutch expression- that if i give a finger, he'll take the whole hand (and crush it). The only option in dealing with a psychopath, I find, is total non-involvement.

I really wonder about children. On the one hand, they are the hardest te deceive. On the other hand, they are most fiercely loyal. I often wonder what way my son will go. But maybe I know. My son can be discerning and critical with me, because he feels safe with me. I have often seen him react to his dad's callousness towards me, and even himself, with perfect unseeingness, as if it doesn't register, but unnaturally so.
Maybe I'm underrating his/our counsellors. Right away they found my son judges me in a mixed, realistic way: he sees the positive and the negative. He idealises his dad.

Is it possible for you to have any life besides this? It's not that I'm obsessed, we really do make a happy life here, a nice home and the mothers of the children he plays with happen to be great!!! Spreading happiness is the best weapon! But until this is resolved (and who says it ever will be) I can not even think of a boyfriend or finding work or going out or travelling. Things that don't serve solving this do not exist. (Except reading in bed.)

I hope these miles of text don't wear you down! I talk too much! (But I don't and won't think you do!)

and xxxxxx

the way the father looks at his son frightens me. as if he were an object. i can't bear to watch it too long.

Thank-you so much for sharing! It is mind-boggling. My psychopath. and I met only about 18 mos ago, so much pain and havoc in that time-frame, plus a marriage... but divorce straight ahead for me, and I am so very thankful and fully appreciative that I discovered the truth so soon. There are no children involved with us.

However, I have observed that, under my watch, he reconnected with his now 20 y. old daughter, after not seeing her for 18 ys... he made a huge 'play' for her heart. She took her time was naturally reticent, but he wore her down with appearances of normality thru 'me'. Almost as soon as we left, within a couple of months, he essentially dropped her like a hot potato. In that time, her only known and loved step-dad who had been her best parent growing up, was sadly and tragically killed. I see from what I know that he has dropped her and she is broken. A lovely, sensitive girl, that her mother, whatever her faults, kept her away from dad as long as she could, but obviously has plenty of problems of her own - mother and daughter are in slim contact at the moment. So she is left all alone in the ashes of her hear, hopes and dreams of longing for her daddy.

I pray for her, and hope, for her sake, he stays far away, long enough for her to fully get it. She is very smart and has had some counseling, I hope she is able to see it.

Ohhh...he must have had a purpose in mind for contacting her and then found she didn't have what he was looking for. And using you as a cover, to show normality.....all so familiar...
And you don't know whether she understands, or if her mother does..
How did you find out so...fast!!! (Or else, I'm just slow.)
How are you now?

Instead of asking how you found out, I could have read your posts, which is what I did, and again, I see another person speaking the same sentences I do. It is so weird, how can these psychopath people be so similar...and once you see, almost dependable in their one-dimensionality and predictability (if you are so lucky that that particular psychopath isn't terribly intelligent, or else sufficiently worn down by drink and drugs).
It still is mind-boggling to me and I'll never get used to this. Or get used to people's disbelief, eventhough I was there myself. Well, you know, and I can't add anything new to this forum.
"Wow' is all I can reply to your posts.
I am so lucky (funny, how things turn out, couldn't have dreamed it at the time) that the psychopath's other woman is now my best friend. It is a great relief for us to go over it endlessly, till it is dissolved. She was his 'wallet".

Thanks Wendy. I have been using my own brain on high alert and thinking of all ways I can to keep abreast of him - until I am divorced. I am trying to be balanced in all this, not obsessive, but I feel I know him VERY well now, and seeing his patterns helps to keep me focused. I am left, like everyone, wondering what if anything was true about our 'amazing' connection. I was married under 3 months before the split and feel like I was separated while still a honeymooner! surreal, even by psychopathic standards, I'm thinking. His ability to be heartless to his lovely daughter is very, very, very grounding for me.

It takes a lot of time to get over such heartlessness. Maybe you could call it obsessive, the way my friend and I keep going over all these things that keep coming up, but it does help us and gradually the subject is losing hold over our emotions. (I can't get away from him entirely, because of my son.) I wouldn't call it obsessive, but necessary. And it is all so fresh, so recent for you! It's hard that you still have a divorce to deal with. That is still a lot of connection to deal with.
Being trampled upon was painful for me at the time, but still familiar. Realising who he really was (nobody there really) frightened me and until I got away (I planned my escape carefully and had to calculate one step ahead of him) I was terribly scared all of the time and I had no idea I'd succeed. My fear is replaced by DISGUST when I see him, when he takes/brings our son. I live in another town with my son, luckily.
I don't know if there is any way to accept or understand such a person. All I know is: get away.
I got out because I knew him very well too. His behaviour and speech seemed irrational and contradictory, but at last I understood that he followed a very strict logic, albeit not mine, and that he followed it with inhuman absoluteness, without any ambivalence, and his predictability saved me. He watched my every move, but still I became completely invisible to him, by just shutting up and giving him no clues about myself, and I even managed to surprise him when I did get out. I beat him at his own game. I turned everything that had hurt me so bad to my advantage. Like f.e. suddenly it suited me perfectly that he was spending time with another woman etc. etc. But when I read your story, I'm afraid the psychopath you are dealing with is alot more intelligent. Still: you know him well and you know his limits, so you have the knowledge necessary to save yourself.

It is so good to chat! Writing has long been a good venue for me to express myself - never more now. First off, please accept my apologies if I sounded like I was labeling you in any way obsessive - truly, I was not. Tho remarkable alike in many characteristics, all humans are different and all 'encounters of the third kind' ; ) are unique! I am far too self-focused these days to begin to label another person dealing with one of these nightmares, in truth! I have enough to sort out for myself. (Tho writing is good, there are elements of communication lacking, as in body language, context and knowledge of a person, so writing is limited as a full communication tool).

I do think I at times can be obsessive. But it probably for me has more to do with the fact that I miss the persona he gave me, we were in the 'honeymoon' and I grieve that I am here, where, in truth, I am. Divorce is certainly not an option, but still strangely, not easy either! The imminence of going there now, soon I can file, has resurged some of my sense of loss and grief over the whole sorry mess and the charm-bag he presented to me. What was real? I dunno. I'd love to write more, but am running out the door, just wanted to clear that up. It takes time and rumination to begin to put this all in some kind of focus.