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#10521 - 01/12/11 01:29 AM please, advice, any referral
wendy Offline
member

Registered: 01/09/11
Posts: 25
Hello.
I've just posted s my child safe? hardly anyone understands'.
My son counts the days until it's saturday and he can see his psychopath dad again. All I can do is smile, there is nothing wrong with my son's feelings, but there is with his dad. And I can't tell him and he wouldn't want to hear anyway. His dad is grooming him, all this affection is completely faked.

I wish I were wrong. At least here, at this forum, I don't have to defend myself, explain that I don't nurse grudges etc but am plain serious, a wiser person. Nobodys seems to hear or really take it serious. The childcounsellor is kind and perhaps believes me, but whatever the truth, as long as the kid is happy I & everyone should lay low and not CREATE problems by behaving unnatural, creating fear or suspicion. Of course i agree with all that. I want to be a fearless, loving and levelheaded mom.

His dad is conning everyone and using his girlfriend for it. Suddenly he is the ideal father. No one I talk to understands the extent of his condition, that he cannot change into a fatherfigure, amend his ways. (Except the other woman with whom he cheated me, who is now my best friend, she has been abused and used as bad as me.) I find that I can't speak, to counsellors, to my child. And I really do know what I'm talking about and my intentions are 100% good. I WISH I were mistaken, being wrong about this would be worth being completely ridiculous! At least on this site you know what I'm talking about and I don't have to be defensive all the time.

I'm very worried about my child, there is nothing I can do but sit back and watch, the dad has as much rights as i have concerning the clild and i really don't expect the investigation to show anything. The dad even convinced the police of his innocence!

Does anybody have experience with having to let your child go to it's psychopath parent, being unable to warn and protect your child, the way the people who are supposed to help, counsellors, don't understand EVEN if they are perfectly willing to believe you.


Edited by wendy (01/13/11 04:09 AM)

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#10524 - 01/12/11 12:27 PM Re: please, advice, any referral [Re: wendy]
Dianne E. Offline

Administrator
member

Registered: 11/15/02
Posts: 2789
Loc: United States
Hi Wendy, welcome to the forum.

I was just checking out some nanny cams for anyone who can install one to gather evidence. It is important to know the laws of your state/country. From what I understand most states do not allow recording on the phone without the other parties permission. There are a few states that do. I am quite sure that a hidden camera can be used in the home.

I checked out Amazon and searched under "nanny cam" and spy cameras. It would be wonderful to plant something to get further evidence, no idea if a person can put one in someone elses home but even in your own home it would document what the child is really saying about visits with "dad" and can't clam up with authorities.

Di

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#10526 - 01/12/11 05:17 PM Re: please, advice, any referral [Re: Dianne E.]
wendy Offline
member

Registered: 01/09/11
Posts: 25
Thank you.
Yes, that would be wonderful. There is no way I could do anything like that outside of my own home. My mom brought me a dictaphone, which I wanted to use before the courtruling, when the dad took the kid from school for lunch once a week and I stubbornly stuck along with them on these outings. (Our son was always happy when I turned up again.) But I couldn't use it very well. And at home I just don't know when he'll decide to say anything. But I did turn the telephone speaker on every time he spoke to his dad that way.

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#10530 - 01/13/11 01:32 PM Re: please, advice, any referral [Re: wendy]
Dianne E. Offline

Administrator
member

Registered: 11/15/02
Posts: 2789
Loc: United States
Hi, you would want the comments to be in the entire conversation so there is no indication anything was done to prod or influence what your son says. For example if you were to only record your son with those specific comments the entire conversation needs to be there also. I would give it a try, I suspect any tapes required wouldn't be expensive and maybe the ones you can log onto your computer to view and hear could be easily stored. I would check into the ones you can see from your PC and how they get stored.

Di

Outside of the home could be illegal but in your home to my knowledge isn't.

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#10531 - 01/13/11 02:06 PM Re: please, advice, any referral [Re: Dianne E.]
wendy Offline
member

Registered: 01/09/11
Posts: 25
that's true, the context is just as important that way.

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#10532 - 01/13/11 08:22 PM Re: please, advice, any referral [Re: wendy]
Dianne E. Offline

Administrator
member

Registered: 11/15/02
Posts: 2789
Loc: United States
Hi, check out www.ebay.com search for spy cam, hidden camera, spy camera, wireless nanny cam

Try to not buy directly from anyone located in China.

They have models that have great reception through walls etc. and feed into a VCR. I would think wireless would work the best but check it out, the prices weren't high and with ebay you have a guarantee return policy. You can also ask the seller questions and they usually answer quite quickly.

There are cable extensions that can hook up to other TV's.

Di

In context he would have nothing to dispute, now there are experts who can verify you didn't tamper with the tape. I would gather up more information than just a time or two to show the pattern and I would think your son would have some different comments each time. Does your son talk about the visit with his father when he returns home or does it come out gradually?

Check the laws where you live, I believe inside your own home is fair game.

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#10533 - 01/14/11 10:36 AM Re: please, advice, any referral [Re: Dianne E.]
Dianne E. Offline

Administrator
member

Registered: 11/15/02
Posts: 2789
Loc: United States
Just another thought, if you hook up the cam to record a at TV connection, put it in your bedroom and get your son another TV so he won't notice anything. If he sees you have a VCR or whatever he would naturally be more interested in watching cable or someting like DirecTV.

Another question to find out is if he is speaking to his father on the phone in your home would that be legal even though you would only be recording info in your home, here are some links to review:

However, an appellate court has ruled that using a hidden video camera in a private place does violate the statute. California v. Gibbons, 215 Cal. App. 3d 1204 (Cal. Ct. App. 1989). It is not a crime to take notes during a conversation or later summarize or disclose ones recollection of a communication. People v. Wyrick, 77 Cal. App. 3d 903 (Cal. Ct. App. 1978).

State by State Rulings
http://www.rcfp.org/taping/states.htmlhttp://www.google.com/search?q=Can+we+Tape&rls=com.microsoft:en-us&ie=UTF-8&oe=UTF-8&startIndex=&startPage=1

Google:
Conversation recording laws
Can we tape

From what I gather it is okay in the home, however they suggest you contact the local Attorney General for definite guidelines.

If you son communicates via the Internet a wireless device to network the computers might work as an additional plan.

Di

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#10534 - 01/14/11 03:45 PM Re: please, advice, any referral [Re: Dianne E.]
wendy Offline
member

Registered: 01/09/11
Posts: 25
Thanks alot. Right now I wouldn't be able to 'catch" anything that way, though I might in future. On some days he speaks 1 sentence about his dad- and that can be anywhere, on his bike to school. Or else on the toilet. I never ask questions, he hates that. He won't be had by indirect roundabout questions either and only replies with ' don't know'. He only gives what he considers innocent facts and by now understands that those sexual facts aren't innocent. At the time I tried questioning him a few times about that (telling him that nice secrets are nice to keep, but sad ones make you sadder, because I'm his mom I have to help, that's what I'm there for etc. etc.) but he acted upset, cornered, insisting angrily that IT was too difficult to talk about and admitting only that he had a nice secret with dad and also once that his dad told him not to talk about it. (His dad often made me and his other friend feel exclusively loved by insisting on secrecy.)

The only thing, practically, I've been able to do is alert everybody involved. My son had his counselling intake completed before the weekly visits to his dad, the counselling itself started at the same time as these weekly visits. I've asked his teacher whether he seems to be happy, she thought so, and would she please be watchful if she sees him start to behave differently. When he came back the weekend before last and behaved odd (slapped me in my face as soon as he got back from his dad) I wrote everything he said and did as accurately and factually as I could and handed it over to his counseller before his next visit. I'll do that each time.

He is such a sensitive little guy! Before the courtruling I went to lunch with him and his dad every week. I was always careful not to speak about any details in our life, because I'd get it back later twisted into some offence later - and I was surprised to find that our son was even better at skirting around everything, so good he must have understood. In general, he does not speak about anything sad and tries so hard to prove that his tears are caused by the wind and that he's never sad, that I really don't believe him. I can see very well what he feels, even though I don't know waht causes these feelings.

The way he informs me without compromising his loyalty is so sweet! Today he said our house is a chickenpen. That's his dad's word for my house, he knows this house from years ago. Then he told me the name of a friend from his class who said so. And then he asked me to guess which of the things he said wasn't true. I told him it was true that somebody said that but it was'nt true that that friend of his said that because that friend dosn't think up such things. He was very pleased that I got it right. There is only one person in my son's life who would use that word that way.

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#10552 - 01/20/11 09:53 AM Re: please, advice, any referral [Re: wendy]
Violet Offline
member

Registered: 07/08/10
Posts: 105
Wendy,

What does your child's counselor say about the allegations of sexual abuse? How are these being addressed? It is such a potentially damaging situation. Is this a private counselor? One with experience in the area of sexual abuse or psychopathy? Is it only a school counselor? I am concerned that you are not being taken seriously?

What does the counselor say about your son denying his feelings of sadness? Is that being addressed in therapy? My daughter has also denied her tears when she was sad over her father. She told me it was her allergies. She also told me that her eyes were watering because I was combing out the tangles in her hair.

I wish I could tell you otherwise, but our children have indeed picked up many of their behaviors from us. Do you acknowledge your own sadness and disappointment about your ex? Do you acknowledge it in front of your son? Painting a pretty picture of their dad, and denying your own feelings in front of our kids, does nothing to help them. This I know, because I did it for years.

How did the psychopath get off the hook in regards to the investigation with the authorities? Please continue to post so that we may try offer you more suggestions and advice.

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#10564 - 01/21/11 11:51 AM Re: please, advice, any referral [Re: starry]
Violet Offline
member

Registered: 07/08/10
Posts: 105
Starry,

You don't need to feel panicky if a previous post has been removed. The moderator for this forum will pull posts and put them under a different topic, or thread. She does this so that the various topics are properly organized and easier to access. If some of your posts (or mine) have been removed, they will most likely reappear under a different thread within a few days. Try to be patient as their is only one moderator for this forum. She does her best to keep things organized, and that requires some fine tuning from time to time. Rest assured, if there is ever an issue with the content of your posts, she will contact you directly to let you know about it. Also, if you have a specific question for her, you should be able to email her directly through the forum. She is usually good about responding quickly.

My reply to you regarding housework will likely be up again soon under a different thread. In the meantime, you can check out some of my other posts. You can do this by pulling up any of my posts, then in the upper left hand corner, left click on my name that is underlined in blue. A small box will pop up under my name with four options. Click on the bottom option, which is "View Posts." It should list all of my posts, in order by the date. It puts ten posts on the screen at a time, after the first ten you will need to click to the next page for the next set of ten.

I have found that there are certain people who you may "click" with better on the forum than others. This sense of connection might be based on similarities amons our experiences with the psychopaths, similarities in the way we recover from emotional pain, or perhaps just a common way of thinking. Anyways, if you found that particular post that I sent you informative or inspirational, than maybe you should check out some of the other stuff I posted about. All of it will not apply to your particular situation, but perhaps you can find some comfort or understanding in some of my other posts.

Good luck on your healing journey! Be patient, and breathe slowly....

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