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#10733 - 02/21/11 05:26 PM Re: Discovering Dad [Re: Dianne E.]
sinkler61 Offline
member

Registered: 02/12/11
Posts: 8
Yes, there was definitely a trigger. When my boyfriend and I decided to get married, my Dad came to us and asked us if we wanted to buy the house he was in. He wanted to live with an old girlfriend on the other coast. So, we agreed to buy the house at fair market value at the time. We lived there 3 years and spent all of our time and money repairing, remodeling, etc. It was cute as a bug when we got finished. My Dad and my brother never failed to criticize all the work we did.

In any case, during that 3 years, my Dad moved back to the area (having had a blow-out with his lady friend). He had spent all the money he made from the sale of the house on the mobile home that he and his lady friend had lived in. He said he just "gave it to her" when he left. I don't know if any of that was true. So, my husband and I purchased a mobile home (in a senior community) using our equity line of credit. Dad made rent payments which almost covered our line of credit payments.

Dad had lived in the mobile home we bought for about 1 year at which time my husband and I moved 4 hours north due to my job. Dad made my life hell when we moved - "You're leaving your father" and "I spoke to your mother last night (My Mom is dead) and she said she's sorry I sold you the house", etc. I carried a huge degree of guilt over all that and he played upon that. He uses my dead mother often to make me feel bad - telling me that he will tell her how I treated him when he sees her again.

Anyway, my brother lived 15 minutes away so it wasn't like I was leaving him alone. Dad also was still able to drive at that time at the time we moved.

Because of all the remodeling we had done as well as the real estate market at the time, we made a hefty profit on the sale of the house. We payed off the mobile home he was in so he didn't need to make any more rent payments to us. We carried a mortgage on the new home we had purchased. Still, my Dad made comment that "people" think we should have given him some of the money we made on the house. I felt we had done so by providing a nice mobile home that he could have stayed in for the rest of his life without paying any more than the year of rent payments he had given us previously. It's something I found out that he had told many people - of course, making us out to be the villians who he "gave" the house to and didn't give him any of the proceeds when we sold. He neglects to tell them about the mobile home he didn't have to pay for.....or all the work/time/money we spent on the house while we lived there.

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#10734 - 02/22/11 02:51 AM Re: Discovering Dad [Re: monty]
starry Offline
member

Registered: 01/06/11
Posts: 350
Originally Posted By: monty
Hey Starry,

If you want to live a healthy life you just have to let go move on and forgive or try to block it out, well its a theory anyway smile

Monty


'Hey' Monty

Sorry, but that's the second time you've told me I should be 'moving on', 'letting go', 'forgiving' and words to that effect.

I'm really rather angered and hurt by that. You either have absolutely no idea of the depth of my trauma, or you're brainwashed by your own psychopath into thinking that none of it is that bad.

Never heard anything so utterly preposterous, as instructing a multiple rape survivor to 'forgive' her rapist and get on with her life.

Last time I take time (and energy) to comment on your thread.

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#10735 - 02/22/11 01:57 PM Re: Discovering Dad [Re: starry]
Dianne E. Offline

Administrator
member

Registered: 11/15/02
Posts: 2788
Loc: United States
Starry, I sincerely apologize, I should have caught this the first time this came up. Your Mother Hen must have been asleep at the keyboard.


To avoid any confusion we all need to pay attention to the way our community presents and asks questions.

Terms of Service and Guidelines

•Information on personal experience and successful coping strategies are encouraged but it is not acceptable to dictate to other members, just to note what you found helpful.

If there are any questions or comments I am always available by email.

dianne@psychopath-research.com

dianne77@msn.com

Di

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#10736 - 02/22/11 03:02 PM Re: Discovering Dad [Re: Dianne E.]
starry Offline
member

Registered: 01/06/11
Posts: 350
Hi Dianne

No worries at all. It's actually something I've been working on with my OT (stating how I feel if someone has upset me and establishing a boundary to help me feel safe), so it's fine really smile

Thank you

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#10740 - 02/23/11 04:24 AM Re: Discovering Dad [Re: Dianne E.]
monty Offline
member

Registered: 02/13/11
Posts: 16

I wrote to my 17 year old step sister, this is what i have said to her as i feel i want to find out more,
reason 1 so i can hav the strenght and knowledge to confront Dad or a just reason to turn him away and
2 so that she feels i am willing and able to help.


From what ive been told Dad has been accused of inapropriate touching. He denys this then again why wouldnt he, its not something you would be proud of if you had done it. He isnt going to go around saying yes i did and lock me up please.
He claims it is part of his interpritation of a bond between father and daughter, cuddling, tickling etc, no doulbt if his version is untrue this would be upsetting to the victim. Hence my concern that i will upset you. Your mum has asked if they can move here, but my guess is dad asked her too, they find the farm to hard to run with her being unwell.
I said that you and ... could come here. He didnt seem keen on that idea. Possibly because that would limit his options or possibly to do with what you might tell me.
Then if you did i wouldnt have to deal with dad, selfish of me. I feel obliged to love and care for him as he is my father but i find him like a teenager and hard work sometimes, that he doesnt in my mind mature or grow as he gets older, just stays the same, like a 20 year old.
Anyway, big concern is you Your sisters and mum,
Dad is able to look after himself if he had to, but if convicted and you mum passes away from the cancer ..... will become a foster child, i would like to see you all stay close, together, you ....... and.,,,,, and if i could your mum, obviously this has ramifications,
you could stand up to dad and say you will never accept certain behaviour, move back and make sure he towed the line.
my guess is it to late for that,
or you wait until mum if passes away if she did (this is an asumption that the cancer will resurface, if it was actually cured in the first place, i suspect not) I know its not nice to talk about but it has to be thought through and talked about
So if you were already together in a loving home, .... would be placed with you in that home if dad was deemed unsuitable as a role model. That is also why i offered you to come here.
Im sure Others would have .... but i have my own doulbts about if that is the best for anyone.

You act very mature and grown up, perhaps through dad given a false ego, you are still young, you arnt the best at everything, you are normal, dad from my memory is always so proud of his family makes us all feel like we are better than average, any way what im trying to say is dont be sure you know what you are doing and processing in your head, you need counciling and guidance to make decisions
I know there is alot to think about and lots going on, your only young and i guess dealing with some tough issues so no matter what happens i want you to know that even thought you may end up estranged from dad i am here for you.
If you were here i would put your interests first. You would face leaving all your friends behind and starting a fresh yourself. I suggest you talk to a councilor about this email so you are able to address all that i have writen with objective advice, no matter what happens you can call me any time, text or ask for my help

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#10741 - 02/23/11 05:09 AM Re: Discovering Dad [Re: starry]
monty Offline
member

Registered: 02/13/11
Posts: 16
Firstly the start of the responce is titled "Hey Starry", the rest is not directly below that title!!!
Secondly taking things out of context can always lead to offence if YOU wish it to.
For instance Monty
"if you let him in you would be foolish." now i am a fool
"I agree you are nieve" now im nieve
"you're brainwashed by your own psychopath" now i am brainwashed by my pet phsycopath

The context could be percieved as offensive or as more direct than my GENERALISED obersvation on my life, on why I had chosen to let go of my anger towards my friends under line my friends hint hint, "my" as written my theory, what helped me!!!!. The conversation was about friends and family chosing sides not you choosing to forgive a multiple rapist i have absolutly NO knowledge of. Yes you can read it your way if you wish to, but if you actually read it you get its full CONTEXT
You may well be upset, but doe that give you the right to lash out and find fault with people obviously dealing with there own issues, it maybe in your eyes a trivial crisis. But my email was written with polite, positive intent, me giving you my time to say hey, this helped me! Not you must do as i say! And to make it a tool of wrong and evil is hurtful and abusive yourself. Yes i said twisting peoples words makes you abusive yourself!
Yes im am anoyed at your note and that you are so bitter when i have done nothing but be kind, perhaps not intelegent as i havent had to deal with this stuff before and of course im nieve and foolish so this wont help either, but kind and you being obviously so consumed with bitterness, (perhaps quite justifiably) are better not to make posts!
Pish posh

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#10743 - 02/23/11 12:48 PM Re: Discovering Dad [Re: monty]
mouton22 Offline
member

Registered: 12/03/10
Posts: 35

Dear Starry and Monty,

I have read all your posts and feel for both of you. We are a community of survivors searching for answers to questions that have plagued our lives for a long time. Sometimes that search gets frustrating as we uncover truths that make us uncomfortable.

But we must NEVER attack one another (either knowingly or unknowingly) because we are all on the same team and our solidarity is vital to our collective strength.

All over the world, revolutions are occurring. People are rising up against the psychopaths who have ruled without compassion. Even in America, there are political psychopaths who are trying to destroy unions and ultimately divide the United States of America. Most of us on these message boards are struggling with the divisive, diabolical psychopaths in our families, work places, among our friends, and in our neighborhoods. We are from every nation, from every creed, of every race and gender. We need to uphold one another...not upset each other. Speaking the truth (as we see it and have experienced it) is very crucial to our healing.

But sometimes in the heat of the moment, while responding to a post, we might be too bold in our comments and it rubs somebody the wrong way. Keyboard communication prevents us from looking into someone's eyes and realizing he/she meant no harm in what was said. You both strike me as kind, caring people and your postings are very valuable to this community. Thanks so much for your contributions.


Hugs to both of you,
Mouton

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#10744 - 02/23/11 01:42 PM Re: Discovering Dad [Re: Dianne E.]
sinkler61 Offline
member

Registered: 02/12/11
Posts: 8
Is it common for a psychopath's target to have doubts about their assessment from time to time? What I mean is, although I know in my heart, soul, and gut that my Dad is a psychopath, I have doubts sometimes and go back to thinking it's just me - that there is something wrong with me......

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#10745 - 02/23/11 05:46 PM Re: Discovering Dad [Re: sinkler61]
monty Offline
member

Registered: 02/13/11
Posts: 16
Money and power has a similar theme to it with your dad and mine, there is an element of similarity at times. I have said before, we can all use emotion to paint a picture to suit our situation that is in our mind the events that unfolded. Your version of the motorhome, house sale will be different to his, does that make you a phsycopath? I think not, but i dont know for sure, i ? myself too, I think its more the use of emotion as a tool, white lies, twisting of the truth to maniplulte emotion all around you, using his so called friends opinions (that were probably impartial and said nothing) to make you feel guilt. Its these behaiviours that makes in my opinion the difference between normal and Phsycopath from what i am reading it reinforces that opinion.
The thing i noticed with my dad is i saw it from a child, i grew to accept it, if i want to be part of a family, see my mother, have christmas's at home, sunday dinner I had to accept that morally i didnt like my father, i loathed aspects of his behaviour, but going against it was distructive to everyone else, the family unit, once mum died we all just stopped being a family, my sister never saw her dad as shallow until she was 30, it devistated her, it still haunts her daily.
I do struggle with the concept of mine also being classed as a phsycopath, but the more i learn the more i feel he always was, has been. We all self doulbt, you are normal.
My dad has still managed to create some great things, do some special things in this world, but always greed or hunger for more destroys it, i used to always think he just risked more than most, took huge chances that made him brave or foolish unevolved or greedy.
So given that he is one, will always be does that make him evil, or just unhealthy to be around intolerable to a degree.
I think it would be nicer to think he is mentally unevolved, child like, dangerious no doulbt, but i supose it depends on you ability to see the risks and block them. hmm food for thought.

In answer to your question, we are all growing, learning, nobody is perfect, having the ability to question yourself is a wonderful asset, you will grow and learn faster with an open mind, you not normal your above average smile

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#10746 - 02/23/11 06:36 PM Re: Discovering Dad [Re: monty]
Dianne E. Offline

Administrator
member

Registered: 11/15/02
Posts: 2788
Loc: United States
Thanks Mouton, it is important for our community to keep with the tone of how we addres the issues at hand. The forum is here for the community and working things out is very healthy.

I hope we can use this as a learning experience.

I have never tried to play a heavy hand but the guidelines were well thought out to make our community a safe and informative place to share and heal.

If there is any further info needed please refer to the Terms of Service which clearly outlines our approach to provide a healthy environment for our members who are posting and reading.

Enough said, if anything is unclear please email me directly so this conversation can move forward.

Di

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