Hello Forum,
I'm calling in to let you know I am OK and still here and moving slowly forward with this thing. Its all taking so much longer than I would have thought but thats OK because I want to make a good and thorough job of healing. For this last 20 yrs to be worthwhile I want the next 20 to be REALLY good. And my kids to be in good shape. These are the 2 things I want and to achieve these I need to make a thorough recovery myself. I want my kids to be able to work it all out for themselves, their lives, so I need to equip them, somehow not poison them, and to be real myself, a bit of a tricky balance sometimes. Two of my kids are showings signs of stress/distress at present so I'm giving that some time and focus too. There is a lot of deep contemplation going on here. I have found a counsellor and tho he doesn't understand about psychopaths, we have found a way to work. It is not about her but about me and where I am. He treats me with respect. I think he is getting a little insight as well, as we go along. PTSD is moving along too. I am not sleeping nearly as well as I always have, - wake up sometimes several times with shock - alarm/horrors - adrenaline rushing through my body and the shock or horror that woke me has disappeared in a flash before I know it. I am taking it that this is my subconscious coming nearer the surface so this is good. It is funny to wake up like this and there not be any apparent immediate cause!
I dont want to take too much attention here and I am aware there are lots of new members been posting, I cant address you all but I feel for you, I admire you - your guts, stamina and above all your humanness which has survived!
I am very grateful, Di & all, for this place where I can express myself and you acceptance. - Newboy.

Hi Newboy, always great to hear about where you are. Even though the therapist is not up on Psychopaths if I might make a suggestion he should be able to help you with boundary issues. Having clear boundaries and navigating through life can be a bit less tricky. It teaches us to not just go along with things but be clear about what our boundaries are. For example one boundary I have is that I don't engage in any hostile arguments or conversations in someones home or in life in general (I call it my no abuse boundary), for example if another guest walks up and starts in, I politely excuse myself from the person, say something to the hostess about I have to leave and how much I have enjoyed being there and don't mention the negative person. I have the same policy in my own home, for example I had an upset neighbor and when she was in my home and got upset toward me over something crazy, I just asked her to leave that I don't accept that kind of behavior in my own home. That in a nutshell is what boundaries are all about.

It used to happen here at the forum when on rare occasions I had to ban a person, I would always receive a hateful name calling email, I decided that I don't dish out abuse and I don't take it so I no longer will even open the email. They can say what they want but my boundary is that I don't have to read it.

Another small example if I am out walking my dogs and another person tries to approach me with their dog, I cross the street and if they don't get the message I tell them to stay back. I don't risk their dog attacking mine, it happened once when the owner said, oh my dog is really nice, not exactly correct when the dog moved in to attack. Now I just do it out of protection and having clear boundaries, do some people get ticked, sure, do I care, no, my boundary is my boundary and they have the choice to accept it or get upset, it has no impact on me which route they choose to behave.

The best expression I learned after a meditation during the Q & A, I asked Cheri what to say when someone comes up and starts launching into a negative conversation, I just say, oh, if I were in your shoes I would probably feel the same way and then I get away. I am not in their shoes so it is just a method to escape their hostile energy.

I don't dish out abuse and I don't engage in it even if the person is speaking in an abusive manner about someone else.

Since you mentioned nightmares you might try being in silence and surrounding yourself in peace before you drop off to sleep. A full night sleep is critical for our brains to rewire and helps with depression, I saw an interesting UTube video about that and will look for it.

Di

Newboy, it's always good to hear where you're at. Your determination, compassion and courage are very inspiring.

Di, thank you so much for sharing about boundaries. I really struggle with this one. I know on the odd occasion when I get it right, because it feels very calm and like I have a lot of space around me. But most of the time I let people trample right into my space and I feel crushed.

Hi Starry, I used to let people trample me also. When I lived in a central location people would just stop by unannounced and not even bother to inquire if it was a good time. I got some practice saying, hi, nice to see you would love to invite you in but I am busy. You feel empowered and it is important to protect your space. Same with the phone, if I am busy even watching a movie there is no law saying I have to answer it, even if I am not doing anything and just don't feel like being disturbed.

The first couple of times you do it I know it will be hard but it is easy for me now. By making life on your terms you will find your mind can be clearer and not keep being invaded.

I remember when I used to go to the local coffee house and my girls and I would be sitting there strangers would walk up and say hi to them because they loved people and were very friendly. On occasion they started to launch into a story (I listened to a couple then set a boundary) and tell me some dreadful story how their dog got killed or whatever. So then I learned when they started with a story, I just politely stopped them and asked them if the story had a happy ending and when they said no, I told them I have rescued animals my entire life and seen a lot of pain in my life so I would prefer to not hear their story. Why should I hear something horrible from a stranger when all I was doing was sitting there enjoying my time with my dogs and having my coffee. I am sorry they had a painful experience but really that is something they should share with a friend.

Life is tough enough without getting dumped on. People who are strangers will just sometimes say some horrible negative things and I just don't need to hear about it.

Di