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#13995 - 10/28/12 07:23 AM Re: General Discussion - Part TWO [Re: Mug42Long]
brave Offline
member

Registered: 10/27/12
Posts: 34
My brother luckily lives in another country. I've heard of him being called a Psychopath. I am not sure what is up with him.

Was very violent towards me in my teens. The sad part is he was encouraged by my mother, and she participated as well. The violence got so bad I feared dying. I was threatened with weapons. My mother found a hand gun one day and instead of bringing it to the police she tossed it in a bush somewhere. Or so she says. She told me the story as sort of a "see look I was trying to protect you."

Lying. It's an important ingredient here. Going to great extents to cover ones tracks to the point that I have felt stalked.

Threats with hospitalizing you, was a major part of my teen years. I remember getting beaten and having to run away to avoid "the psych ward"

My brother has a knack for screwing people over, either for attention, fun, or money. Probably a combination of all three.

There is more. I discuss these details with a counsellor and have decided that these won't be shared publicly.

I've made a clean break from my family. Mother is moving several miles away. I've left behind several items for her to sell because she feels so taken advantage.

I was actually living there. There was an argument and I found myself walking 12 miles home. She thought this was funny. But then I left and left everything that she could hold some kind of attachment over.

The other part is I think she spent exorbitant amounts of money that was supposed to be mine. She told me once I was getting 50k inheretance, but since we were rotten children, my grandmother allowed her all the control over the money. Or so she says. I never know if the truth comes out of this woman.

There were other concerns for my safety that I worried about- can't get into- still discussing in therapy, and I'll never know the truth.

I'm sort of the wayward black sheep of the family. Some of them know about the abuse but don't know the actual depths of it, and overlook it to a great extent, and act as if I am to blame. I feel like I am labelled a crook. I've been told at family gatherings; I'm told I am horrible to my mother. I am told that it's impressive how I can show up with the kind of smear I've worn in my family (thief, liar). I am punished with this "truth" while if anyone bothered to listen to the actual truth they'd have to stop and really think, or care, and I guess that's hard. Why disrupt the status quo?

But I am separated from them and I am still here.

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#13997 - 10/28/12 06:35 PM Re: General Discussion - Part TWO [Re: brave]
Dianne E. Offline

Administrator
member

Registered: 11/15/02
Posts: 2788
Loc: United States
Hi brave, welcome to our community. While it is sad to not have a family I hope you can establish a family or friends who will support and respect you.

It is quite common for Psychopaths to convince others that they are the victims and you are the bad person. It is really a shame that people don't make their own decisions and are so ready to accept lies but unfortunately that is how life is.

It is quite encouraging that you are at a distance from them and I hope if you need support in healing from the years of abuse at their hands we can be here for you.

Di

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#15464 - 07/04/13 01:14 AM Re: General Discussion - Part TWO [Re: Mug42Long]
xela007 Offline
member

Registered: 06/13/13
Posts: 134
Originally Posted By: Mug42Long
It's funny how they aren't interested in learning anything...

My Psychopath mother has mats all around her house, on the step, three in the dining room, etc.
She is elderly and the lady who assesses their homes, to help them cope living at home told her to get rid of them.

My mother isn't having someone tell her what to have in her house!
A few weeks later she fell on one and was badly hurt. Months later, I visited and tripped on one and nearly went through the dining room window.

I wondered why a mother would not remove the dangerous mats after the person they are suppposed to love nearly had a bad accident.
If my daughter had tripped and nearly went through a window, that mat would be in that bin so fast!

That was before I realised she was a Psychopath. It makes sense now. wink


It's not even close to being funny, this is such a reality. They cannot learn from their mistakes and I will tell you why. Normal people that have conscience sense fear in a certain way, while psychopaths do not sense fear (even if they do, they do it in a totally different way (which is not fear in fact). Your mother is not even close to being afraid of falling again, she doesn't have that "sensor" of fear.

Our psychopath has no fear at all - he took some risks that ended him up loosing house (that was bought out of money made conning people anyway. Lost all his life savings and ended up in depression, an alcoholic - that was when he severely started affecting us (the family) and that was sort of light bulb moment. When asked he so ignorant and sometimes even ironic, when asked if he cares or how he feels about the things he's done, it's always about him anyway and never about how much pain he has instilled in us.

Speaking of mats - our psychopath never cleans his room, his room is a complete mess, almost rotting literally, there are things all over the place, dirt, empty condom boxes pills you name it (they're ll there on the floor, he doesn't care. He never cleans the house, he never washes dishes he never does anything "States that he has more important things to do".

Xe
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#15964 - 08/22/13 03:27 PM Re: General Discussion - Part TWO [Re: Dianne E.]
brave Offline
member

Registered: 10/27/12
Posts: 34


I gave up on having a mom

Disowning parents

I found this articles useful in helping me not feel alone. I personally found the discussion useful on the mommyish site.

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#15974 - 08/23/13 12:08 AM Re: General Discussion - Part TWO [Re: ]
xela007 Offline
member

Registered: 06/13/13
Posts: 134
Originally Posted By: heartbroken
No. Telling a psychopath that they have wounded you is like telling a thief what a good thief he is. Psychopaths are very aware of right and wrong. They know what they have done, but they just don't care (they lack empathy). They are quick to shed fake tears and give you lies about how sorry they are, but you will find that they immediately reinjure. Then, you feel confused (that is called gaslighting-research this). The only time speaking about "psychopath" is helpful is when you are trying to emotionally understand it all (and even then do it with safe people. Psychopaths could make Hollywood actors look like they don't know how to act. Psychopaths can out act Hollywood. They are seared in heart and conscience, and masters of charming strangers or those who are not part of their family). So, set your boundaries and stick to them. Don't bother discussions or reasons. Their brains can't do it. To reason with a psychopath is to describe what you see to a blind person-won't work.


Couldn't have said it better - I would add something though...

Telling a psychopath that his ways are evil and that he is just that a PSYCHOPATH

is like telling anyone else that their personality is not a good one.

A psychopath has been, is, and will be a psychopath, it's their personality and what represents them. You can't change them, they'll probably pretend to be the Mr. Nice guy for a while and then they'll quickly return to their psychopathic ways.

They do know right from wrong, but they enjoy their way of being, they'll never admit to doing something this is why they'll always fabricate lies, distort the reality for their own benefit.


Edited by xela007 (08/23/13 12:11 AM)
_________________________
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#15983 - 08/24/13 08:21 AM Re: General Discussion - Part TWO [Re: xela007]
Bunnyshy Offline
member

Registered: 08/22/13
Posts: 11
Hi all,


My mom is a psychopath. She was and still is so cold and distant. My dad, sister and I are empathetic doormats. We have no "man" in our house because she is "above" my dad. She makes us feel sick and we avoid her the best we can. She never wants any of us to do well so she looks better. My sister and I have anxiety panic disorder. We are agoraphobic. My sis cannot drive further than a mile from home. It's like we are crippled and she loves it. She has everyone else make decisions and then rips it apart. No accountability. She's a genius! Don't feel bad about your situation. I have it too. We need to heal the best we can. Keep pressing forward wink

Just got rid I'd psychopath boyfriend ironically. (In depression and healing forum)

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#16025 - 09/06/13 10:09 AM Re: General Discussion - Part TWO [Re: xela007]
daddysproblem Offline
member

Registered: 06/23/11
Posts: 99
Xe,

I disagree. The Psychopath has such a myopic view of the world and the people in their lives. They have no negative view of themselves. I believe that is why they are so dangerous. They couldn't conform if they really tried. If they do it's an act. They are far superior (in their minds eye) When you confide in them how they have negatively impacted you, all they are experiencing is that 'again' your criticizing them. You - the crazy one, the unbalanced one, the lesser one really... "There she/he goes again!"

This is why their lies are such a challenge for non-Psychopath's. To them they aren't lying. When my daddy-Psychopath recounts situations that became 'memorable' such as the last time he saw one of his children for example - it goes something like this: " I was just having a conversation.. normal as reading the paper ... no harm at all... actually having a nice time, as i do with all the people who love me..(and they do)...and all of sudden, from out of nowhere, billy exploded into a rage.. as he always does, billy has always had lots of rage..."

In his eyes... i know this 1 million % .. in his eyes he is superior and perfect. Anyone who doesn't see that and worship him.. has a real problem. They're just sick.

When they use someones weakness, it's just instinctual. Not planned. They gravitate towards those that are useful. Like flies... No thought. And when the other person becomes a problem they discard them. Like trash.

I think we all interact somewhat instinctively.. we don't really 'think' about what we like - or - dislike ... but we are able to. To reflect. To take responsibility. To experience how what we do impacts others by seeing their response. Feel some empathy sometimes, some compassion, maybe regret.. or pride...

But I think the Psychopath is in a constant state of ... sucking life off of others. They have no 'real' true self.

That's my view.. it's what I am sure of with my Psychopath.

It's why i stay away. It's the most horrifying interaction in the world. to have a father who only uses you. and your whole entire family.

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#16026 - 09/06/13 10:39 AM Re: General Discussion - Part TWO [Re: daddysproblem]
crocodile Offline
member

Registered: 04/25/13
Posts: 329
Originally Posted By: daddysproblem
Xe,

I disagree. The Psychopath has such a myopic view of the world and the people in their lives. They have no negative view of themselves. I believe that is why they are so dangerous. They couldn't conform if they really tried. If they do it's an act. They are far superior (in their minds eye) When you confide in them how they have negatively impacted you, all they are experiencing is that 'again' your criticizing them. You - the crazy one, the unbalanced one, the lesser one really... "There she/he goes again!"
(...)
In his eyes... i know this 1 million % .. in his eyes he is superior and perfect. Anyone who doesn't see that and worship him.. has a real problem. They're just sick.
When they use someones weakness, it's just instinctual. Not planned. They gravitate towards those that are useful. Like flies... No thought. And when the other person becomes a problem they discard them. Like trash.
I think we all interact somewhat instinctively.. we don't really 'think' about what we like - or - dislike ... but we are able to. To reflect. To take responsibility. To experience how what we do impacts others by seeing their response. Feel some empathy sometimes, some compassion, maybe regret... or pride...
But I think the Psychopath is in a constant state of ... sucking life off of others. They have no 'real' true self.

I agree. Sure, they can also do it on purpose but a lot of damage is just side effects. Use, abuse, discard. They do not think about they impact on others because why should they. And even better sometimes: they try to fix YOU. Mine was like that: he constantly told me I'm too emotional, I feel too much etc. I sometimes think he was really trying to make me more like him and then he was probably disappointed how useless and miserable I was, just like the rest of the damn humanity. And he has given me so much and tried to make me to be like him. I don't think he really knows why he did all the things he did - some yes, for fun (oh, the game) and for usefulness (I would have done anything for him) and for feeling like a damn hero and saviour but I am not sure how much of it he is aware of and how much was just his impulses.

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#16033 - 09/09/13 01:56 PM Re: General Discussion - Part TWO [Re: crocodile]
summer24 Offline
member

Registered: 09/08/13
Posts: 1
Reading posts on this site have brought me the comfort of knowing that I am not alone. It saddens me too. I wish that there weren't so many tragic memories due to close relationships with psychopaths. I found this site last night.

My stepfather is a psychopath. I have cut all ties to him. However, my mom still has a relationship with him. Although I regularly request that she doesn't share what he is doing, she still ends up telling me some of the things that he does to manipulate and be mean. My youngest sibling has health problems and can't work and lives with mom. I am glad they have each other to help deal with my stepfather. He is gone enough that they do get breaks. The idea of cutting myself completely off from family seems incongruent to me. I love my mom and siblings. I just find ways to handle the contact and lessen contact as necessary.

It is hard to balance an adult life where I want to grow and learn to trust more and still have connections to the messed up home life that reminds me of my childhood. I want to help support my mom and youngest sibling as is reasonable without getting sucked into the mental hell that I fight with memories.

Lately, I have been learning to live my life in sections of 15 minutes. You can do so much in 15 minutes. I set the timer. When I feel like my life is out of control and I can't get anything done, I pick one thing to do, set the timer and get started. After 15 minutes I can see what I accomplished and know that I will be able to do more that day.

It seems to me that an aftermath impact of growing up with someone so manipulative, is anger and inner chaos. Even if my outer life looks fine, I feel the craziness inside.

As I use the timer and get things done, I remind myself that I am fine. I can take breaks. The life I have before me is manageable.

My current life is fairly smooth. I work at teaching myself each day to see the world with less dread and mistrust. It seems like I have parallel worlds. The one created by being told I was worthless and bad and abused in so many unexpected ways. I can still see through those eyes. Then, if I take the time, I can be in the world where good things happen and I am capable. I sometimes remind myself to switch mental gears while in a situation, on the phone etc. I am grateful when I can stay in my capable adult state for hours. When I slip into the personal hell of feelings of worthlessness etc., I self-soothe by reminding myself of the good relationships I am capable of sustaining, the accomplishments I have and my commitment to continue to grow.

Anyway, this site gives me a place to remind me that there are real reasons that I struggle. I am not weak, too-sensitive or over-emotional. I am an adult that grew up being abused by a psychopath and at times neglected by the other parent while living close to the financial edge. I have a good adult life now and will continue to manage memories and emotions. As much as I wish they would leave me completely, a memory can pop-up in strange places. Also, I can feel distrust of people quite quickly without a logical reason. The great news is that I am not settling and continue to work on developing my social reactions and skills.

In regards to the last comment about intention and side effects of psychopathic behavior, I am not sure. It seems like my stepdad enjoyed hurting others and liked to control. However, it could have been under the motive of use, abuse and discard. I am sure it depends on person and situation.

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#16034 - 09/09/13 03:02 PM Re: General Discussion - Part TWO [Re: summer24]
crocodile Offline
member

Registered: 04/25/13
Posts: 329
Originally Posted By: summer24

In regards to the last comment about intention and side effects of psychopathic behavior, I am not sure. It seems like my stepdad enjoyed hurting others and liked to control. However, it could have been under the motive of use, abuse and discard. I am sure it depends on person and situation.

I'm sure they can do both. I don't believe they are mindless creatures incapable of insight but also not evil superminds constantly plotting against you. They are for most part like other people, they just are unable to incorporate the regard for others into their world. I know there is something of a power ride when you're able to manipulate someone but most people don't do that or at least not when it hurts the person. The Psychopath does not have the brake before they do something that hurt another person nor the mechanism to feel shitty about it afterwards. And I think they're kind of fascinated with others' capability to feel emotions - that's something they don't understand and experience themselves.

I remember my Psychopath once told me that he feels too little while I feel too much. He constantly tried to make me feel less but I also felt like he's sucking the emotions out of me, like they fill some void in him. They are supposed to be under aroused at all times and an emotionally charged situation is what may give him a kick which normal people don't need because they have inner feelings. I would really like to know how they think and how much they can feel but there is now way to know because you can't tell when they're lying to you.

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