Hi. I am new here - found this site trying to gain understanding of my husband and why he acts the way he does. We have been married for 18 years - he was physically abusive to our 3 children for years and I asked him to leave our family in 2006 to get help or not to bother coming back - he saw a psychologist and after 6 months I was stupid enough to allow him into our family again. The physical abuse did stop but the verbal and emotional increased. I don't know why I stayed - counselling has helped me realise it was not love but I still question why I found it so hard to walk away. In August 2010 I found out he had been having an affair for years - different women on and off. His excuse was - who would blame me...you didn't give me enough sex and you were a %$@@#! wife!! His latest affair he has been with since March 2010 - she rang me and told me that he said I destroyed his life and that we were no longer married (he forgot to tell me that).

I asked for a divorce and moved with the 3 children. My 2 daughters aged 11 and 15 no longer want anything to do with him. They tried at first but just 2 months after we discovered his betrayal, lies and affairs he introduced them to his new girlfriend - she told them she loved them and was going to adopt them. My youngest was horrified that she heard them having sex - it made me physically ill to hear that. They both told my kids that I had mental problems and told so many lies it was ridiculous - the girls are tired of his abuse and drama and want nothing more to do with him (at least for now).

My 13 year old son sees him every 2nd weekend and loves his dad but is so unhappy and is acting out towards his sisters and me. All he ever wanted was his Dad's attention - now he has it plus $$$$ worth of gifts and the promise of an exciting new life with him and his girlfriend. At this stage my husband has left all of the children in my care so he can work a job that pays exceptionally good money - he wants to buy a house - renting like I do is not good enough. We had to sell our home for nearly half of it's value as my husband, a licenced builder, never put any of the renovations through council - they were all illegal. The reason my husband gave for the affairs was that when we got married (18 years ago) I told him I would make him the happiest man alive - ramblings of a young girl in love - apparently I failed and now I deserve all the punishment I get.

I apparently betrayed our marriage vows and I am a liar and self-centered because of this. The names he calls me are disgusting...I had to look them up online they were just horrid - I am also a worthless piece of dirt and a bad mother, his emails are full of swearing and abuse and he also verbally abused our 15 year old daughter when she tried to stand up to him. I am being accused of poisioning the children and stopping the girls from seeing him - I have neither forced them or stopped them. Mediation is not possible as 2 individual organisations have ruled it out due to the years of physical abuse that was recorded with the police and child safety.

The children and I are in domestic violence counselling. I struggle with so much guilt as he blames me for everything - he uses everything against me..my family, my christian beliefs - it is so hard to try and move on and my head is spinning - I still feel like I am in shock, I lost 19 kg in 2 months with the amount of grief and emotional pain the betrayal and years of lies did to my heart and my mind - he tells me that my blubbering is a sign of a mental illness. I cannot co-parent with this man but how can I escape - we have children together. He is also an uncontrolled diabetic - for 15 years he has refused to care for his health. As a type 1 diabetic he requires insulin, diet control etc yet he refuses to see a professional as he does not like the way they talk to him, he has had diabetic hypo's so many times and the children and I have learnt to look after him.

When he has a hypo he actually has seizures and can become so enraged - a few years ago the ambulance officers called the police to handcuff him and take him to hospital. Most of the time his blood sugar levels run up to 30 or higher - the acceptable BSL level is around 6-7 for a diabetic. His kidneys are now damaged and he could be facing dialysis - he blames me saying that the reason he did not care for himself was because he would rather have died than be married to me - why did he stay? Why did I? None of his family believe me even though they witnessed the abuse - they also call me a liar and want nothing to do with me. I have a great family but it is so hard to imagine that I still have 6 months before I can divorce and even then - will I ever be truly free. How does one deal with this - nothing makes sense - my marriage seems like a lie, I still struggle not to feel guilt and I am so tired of defending myself against him. Any suggestions would be appreciated.

Grace

Hallo Grace

I'm really sorry for everything that you went through, and are still going through. It sounds truly horrendous.

The constant lies on all sorts of levels, the passing of all responsibility to other people and the out and out aggressive blaming other people...they all sound really familiar to me, because my dad is like this.

One of the hardest things I've found has been to build my own narrative of what happened. One which ties together all my own thoughts and feelings. It's been difficult to do on various levels, but principally because my dad doesn't admit any other version of events other than his own. My dad won't even admit the possibility of another version, because he doesn't believe that it has a right to exist.

Indeed, he would set out to crush and destroy any other version because he thinks that another version would threaten to destroy him. So it's a power struggle really. A power struggle about whose version has a right to exist, with him using everything he can think of, and stopping at nothing, to get the upper hand.

It's also been hard to build my own narrative because so much of my focus was on him. To survive (and to try and deflect the worst of the abuse) I had to learn to read his every move...even the tiniest one. I'm guessing you'll be familiar with this, if you're having counselling for domestic violence. My own thoughts and feelings had to be completely marginalized. So, in my counselling I've been focussing on those.

I'm really glad you're getting some help and support, and I'm glad you found this place too. I've had so much help from the others on here, who really do understand.

Grace,

You will make it through this tough time. You endured 18 years married to a monster, the worst is behind you. It will take time to heal from the damage that this unhealthy man has caused, but healing and peace will follow. It is excellent to hear that you are in counseling with your children for the domestic violence. Give yourself a big pat on the back for the efforts you have been making to fix this horrible situation. You have moved away with your children so they no longer have to endure or witness anymore of his abusive behavior. That is a huge step in the right direction. Counseling should definitely help everyone sort through their feelings and begin to establish healthy boundaries.

Try to be patient as frustrating as it is. Important changes take time. Your daughters are still young teens. They still have many years ahead of them to grow and develope their minds in a healthier environment. It seems that they have a pretty clear idea of the reality of the situation, and I would think it is healthy that they choose not to be around him with all of his drama. Will he fight to see them? Or do you think he won't pursue a relationship with them anymore? Based on the information you have given, I wonder if it is actually better for everyone if he just stays away?

It must be very frustrating watching your son run to him. Try to trust that your son will learn and form his own opinions about his Dad when he is ready. I KNOW that it sucks, but sometimes children are more at peace with the truth when they realize it for themselves. Your son may appear to be satisfied with the material bribery that his father is offering, but children are very smart. I am sure he has not forgotten the years of torment. Do you expect your soon-to-be-ex-husband to fight for custody of the children?

You mentioned that there are police reports documenting his violence in the past. Keep copies of those, and continue to document the things that he says to the children, etc. It sounds like he has been playing a good game of pointing the finger at you, causing you to question and doubt yourself. Not uncommon if he is a psychopath. Keeping things written down will help you keep things in perspective, and it may come in handy if custody ever becomes an issue.

It sounds like he is using his health to manipulate you and your children. Shame on him for being a grown man that does not take care of himself. How unfair that you and your children have been forced to care for him and be witness to the seizures etc. All because he is too irresponsible to take care of his health. Psychopaths tend to run their bodies into the ground with poor health, substance abuse etc. I hope you are not feeling responsibility or guilt over this.

You ask, why did you stay. Try not to beat yourself up. You did the best you could. Coming from a Christian background, you tried to tough it out. You tried to be a good wife and a good mother. You tried to stick out your marriage for the sake of your family, for your children. You were blessed with the wisdom to realize that is was not healthy. You gave it the best effort that you could, and you endured years of mistreatment. Try not to blame yourself, you had the courage to move on when it got unbearable. Be grateful for that. Some people never have the strength to leave.

You said nothing makes sense. It is not uncommon to feel that way when you leave a psychopath. The world they live in is very skewed. It takes time to sort out reality from all of the bullshit that they have been cooking up for years. Counseling is going to help you sort through everything and you will be able to make healthy conclusions towards peace.

You will truly be free from this pain. It will just take time. You have removed yourself from his constant toxic presence. You are getting counseling for yourself and your children. Trust the process, and just take one day at a time.

You mentioned that his family wants nothing to do with you. That may be a blessing in disguise. If they are not acknowledging the abuse that your family endured, than they are likely toxic as well. Do they want nothing to do with your children either? Were you or your children ever close with them? You mentioned that mediation is not an option based on two individual organizations and the recorded abuse. Can you tell us anymore specifics about that? How long have you been separated from him, and how much longer until your divorce is final? Please don't feel pressured to respond to any of my questions unless you are comfortable. I ask them so that I may offer you more specific advice.

Take care Grace.

Yes you just escaped a psychopath. From what I read, he fits into many of the characteristics/symptoms of one. Your story inspired me to not ever look back of what could still be for my future, and my childrens. The lack of conscious and cruelness are obvious.

Take your children and run. Your girls obviously have a good head on their shoulder, just like my 10 year old daughter who doesn't want anything to do with her Psychopath biological father. My son, who is 9, on the other hand, is iffy to me. But I have done the No Contact and my son hasn't even mentioned his father (so hopefully I caught it before they were bonded).

Don't worry about his family. Let them get burned by him, especially if you tried to warn them. Don't let the words they say about you affect you, and nobody knows you better than you. You know what happened. If you hear those stories or lies about you, just smile and say of course he said that and laugh at the person gossiping for being so ignorant. They really don't have a clue.

Good luck. Your story inspires me to stay strong and never go back to my ex-Psychopath. I'm 8 months pregnant by him and want to protect this baby at all cost. I probably won't pursue child support, etc b/c I don't want him in her life. My other 2 kids know the type of person he is so no worries there.

Keep healing, the detox process is the hardest (I'm still going through it even though I was over it a few years ago and got back with my ex-Psychopath after years of begging me). You are stronger, healthier and smarter than your ex or his other flings/prey will ever be. You survived, be proud