Hi all,

I have written a few times... read quite alot... but am wondering if anyone has advice. I am from [location removed]. Here we have to wait a year for divorce and my year is coming up. My Psychopath. and I were married only under 3 months when he decided not to come home for 2 wkends in a row (works away all week), in a nutshell. I have only a few secs here so I will very much condense.

I am thankful to the core of my soul that this 'marriage' was short-lived. His mask really fell off just about immediately after 'Ido' and it was clear to me and due to the nature of his work, it was an easy marriage to take him up on his angry 'file for divorce' the first time he said it and keep him out of my house (tidy pre-nup at work). I knew it was bs on his end, but once I told my children and some friends, the line was drawn and I had clear strength to do the seeming impossible and keep him away. It helped immeasurably that he worked away, otherwise his influence would surely have overpowered me.

In a nutshell, he owes me money, over 10,000. The real pricetag is closer to 20, but we had agreed it was the lower price. He, of course, refuses to pay and spins it all in his head that he doesn't actually owe me the money. I don't know if anyone has experience in fighting and winning in a divorce over a sum of this amount. There are no children or property involved... any involvement with him and my heart pulls in his direction again. Like a spell (he has all the markings of a Psychopath. very clearly - charming as they come and all the rest). I don't know if I can withstand... I am almost 'home-free' and have healed alot in this year... he messes with my head and heart so easily... he wrote me a few days ago wondering if it would be quick and painless, or did he need to prepare for a fight. I know also he would quit work, do whatever he 'had' to to avoid paying me... but just signing a divorce seems almost cowardly to me for the damage racked up in the short period of time I knew him, honestly... sigh... I don't know. I wish he would honour me and of course he will not. Even a portion would work for me, but it's a huge chunk in the whole for me to swallow. I let it go, feel OK then it slams me again and decision time is here. Any advice or thoughts would b appreciated. My heart hurts today.

Hi Lisejade,

I am sorry that you are out of the 10K. That really sucks. You mentioned in the past that your lawyer is a good friend of yours. The lawyer told you it was not worth your time to pursue, and I am inclined to agree. Lawsuits are very expensive. The repeated exposure to him in depositions, court, etc. is just not worth it. You mentioned that he had previous problems with the law. That makes it highly unlikely that he would honor a court order to repay you. A judgment in your favor would feel wonderful, but after that, what are the chances that he would actually pay on it? You would only be making yourself sick each day to have a judgment against him that he would inevitably refuse to honor.

You mentioned that you had a tight prenup. How very wise of you! As frustrating as it is, at least he didn't drain you of everything! Part of the healing process from the pain of a psychopath involves letting go. In your case, you are letting go of 10K. In my case, I am letting go of a father for my child. A tough price to pay in both of our cases. But, in the end, it is worth it. You can not put a price on freedom from a psychopath.

You will make it through this. Fall back on your friends and your children. Take it one day at a time. We are here with you in spirit. And we are very, very rich in spirit!

Hi lisejade, the short answer is no, the likelihood of him paying is about ZERO. Several times, you have mentioned he still has his spell over you. These spells are common, that is how they operate to get what they want.

Let’s say your friend the attorney takes the case, you will have to pay any out of pocket fees etc., The last thing that should happen would be to stay in contact and trust me this 10K will cost you dearly in more ways than you can imagine.

No one wants to just lose their money but in cases like this, it is not a wise or safe plan to work from. Your kids have been through enough it will have an impact on them. There will always be a reason and another sob story why he cannot pay you back; do you really want to hear that?

The fact that you got a pre nup is a huge bonus on your side, be proud of yourself for that he could have easily wiped you out in a heartbeat and be on to the next woman.

If you don't mind you mentioned that the mask dropped right after saying I do, what was the cause of it and did he go back and forth emotionally to get the money? What was his reason for needing the $.

I would love to be encouraging but am trying to be in a light you maybe aren’t ready to hear, please don't put yourself or your kids through any more. Feeling twinges for him suggests you might consider no contact at all and only communicate via the attorney for the divorce. In all the time and money it would take you to get the 10K back you could have earned more and in reality the odds of getting a dime from him just is not there. Better to get out of his focus and commue onication, let your attorney speak for you.


Try making a list of all the great things that happened in those three months then list how it made you feel? Is he that great of a catch to keep getting your heart tugged on? Any contact is bad contact and will only harm you.

Cut and run is my 2 cents. Psychopaths are evil, why get in a dispute, and get more of his evil energy?

I can guarantee you will get that, challenging a Psychopath is not a wise move. No matter how you slice this he will win by torturing you and never for a second do I think you will get anything but more heartache. Money isn't worth the risky position you will and are putting yourself in by staying in contact. Next he will want to come over to talk in peson and you could eihter fall into his clutches again or have more front row viewing of evil.

Di

Personally I would sit on a corner at a busy street with a hat begging for money, that way I would have a better chance of getting some.

Thank-you Violet. I forgot that I wrote something about this before. My thinking right now is whether or not to roll it in the conditions of divorce... my lawyer was referring to taking him to a small claims court or not... still the same concept, I suppose in the end... it is a shame that there seems to be little recourse in making a judgement stick, ie. go to jail if you don't pay - but then there's all the energy expended.... In the case of a man like this being an influence on your/ his child, I hear you... it's a no-brainer if you can get him to somehow back away and a bigger deal by far than any amount of cash. For sure. Thanks for writing. The whole experience has been surreal.... so helpful to read of others' stories, thoughts and struggles!

Thanks Diane.

Big sigh. What a bad dream. I hate not making a statement of fact about this. I hear you, and I doubt I will do anything but arrange the most benign divorce and have him sign - or not - here, after 1 year, you dont even need a sig, if one party says it's over, it's over. You just have to wait out that 1 year.

When we got married, his inner rage really came out in all its glory. He just tried much less harder to contain himself, and almost instantly! It was startling and scary. I began to experience this incredible almost living thing inside him that seemed to hate women. All of a sudden I began feeling a clear agenda that if I said blue, it was red. I began to feel his clear agenda of sabotage, his core was fully against me. In spite of the fact that we were still really enjoying ourselves alot of the time, laughing together and, apparently, very much in sinc in every obvious way. But his deep truth was in charge of him, and running the show, I felt it almost immediately. So part of me stood back and took mental notes, while the rest of me engaged. When he finally snapped, I was ready.

There had obviously been some signs pre-marriage, but his schtik was all about getting married and all tension, difficulties, etc... would simply melt away! Don't you know. There had been some, apparently outside, pressures that were out of our control bringing stress on both of us, or so I thought, pre-marriage. After, I began to think that trouble followed him because HE was trouble! Karma was biting him left, right and center, and I was feeling his natural consequences by association.... that was the spiritual pic I was beginning to feel.

The money - well, he had all kinds of reasons and ways of conning me. I was so crazy about him, I was a bit stupid financially. I think he tried to get far more from me, actually, I did pretty well with the efforts extended on his end. And it was not that he never spent anything, but the picture, post-marriage, was quickly emerging that he was being chintzy with his and spending mine like a drunken sailor on his last leave. All the while posing as the big man on campus. I am not going into greater detail because of google and some fear - however remote - that he would find me on here.

I am sad. It helps me to read these posts, because I did not give the time for him to come out full boar. I firmly believe he is Psychopath. but he was just warming up to the real potential of awfulness when we split. It is all so recent and I enjoyed his company on those many good days like no one before him.

It is always good to rememer the good times.........however when you are having a happy time it is with a ticking time bomb and just a shell, not a real person.

The "good side" will not outweigh the ugly and evil. It would only escalate. Please, you are not stupid for giving him the money, it is how they operate and can con a squirrel out of their only peanut.

If you were to continue to be in contact I would guess you would get both the ugly and "nice" side, remember the "nice" side is because he wants something, it is all about him.

It is lucky you are in an area that one year and no signature and it's over.

Di

I agree with Violet and Dianne - don't sue. The more you get involved with him, even in a lawsuit, the more he will end up manipulating you. And I think manipulation is an end in itself to these people. They manipulate even when it ends up harming them as much as others. That's what makes them so dangerous and so impossible to handle them. Normal self-interest doesn't really apply to them, at least not consistently.

It's incredibly weird and painful to think that someone who can seem so likable is really just a painted shell, and I think it's the need to try and find the humanity we are sure must be there that keeps us going back and trying to engage.

Thanks so much everyone! Elvie, that was spot on, I gotta say. Exactly true - the manipulation an end in itself. In spite of shooting himself in the proverbial foot. It did amaze me that one so intelligent and talented as this individual could destroy all in his wake in a moment, himself included, truthfully!! Good point, and good to remember. Yes it is tough to believe that not a shred exists of the 'real boy', not in any sense that you or I could salvage. I believe in God and that He is the only one capable of sorting out the truth vs fiction here - but what rules in the here and now is one raging, spoiled, badly-behaved brat. On a good day. And that is all there is in the end.

Don't ever hope or depend on seeing that money.

I have spent, over the past 13 years, maybe 50 grand or more on my ex-Psychopath.

I could care or less about the money. I'm just happy that he is long gone, preying on someone else (I used to think it was my fault and that I should save these victims).

I'd rather have my health, not crying, not worrying, not wondering, not trying to solve the riddle of his life and pick apart the lies, make sense of the things that don't make sense, etc. etc.

No Contact. Leave it be. It will suck but you and I both know that it will be easier for you to regain your finances rather than dwell on what that evil SOB owes you.