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#1266 - 02/13/03 09:06 AM Re: My Story
mindy Offline
member

Registered: 01/16/06
Posts: 34
Rick,

I visited the web site regarding Malignant Self Love, Narcissism Revisited. Thank you. I believe my ex is an N to the core. I believe that there is a huge difference between the 2 disorders. I also believe that Narcissists don't have a concience or at least don't allow themselves to feel any guilt. If they did, they wouldn't hurt people like they do. I am his target because I have always seen through him, I threaten his very existence! He has never been able to get his narcisstic supply from me. I have always hated him and he knows it and can't stand it.

I feel so relieved to have been able pin point his behavior. I hope you will be able to do the same. I can now teach my kids about his disorder and explain why he does and says the things that he does (when they get older of course).

Pin pointing your P is very helpfull in being able to know how to deal with them. It's definately worth exploring.

Take care,

Mindy

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#1267 - 06/04/03 04:12 PM Re: My Story [Re: mindy]
Dianne E. Offline

Administrator
member

Registered: 11/15/02
Posts: 2788
Loc: United States
Moving this up so that new members have a place to introduce themselves and tell us about the situation that they are in.

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#1268 - 07/22/03 11:48 AM Re: My Story [Re: Dianne E.]
Dianne E. Offline

Administrator
member

Registered: 11/15/02
Posts: 2788
Loc: United States
Hi Sandi, welcome to the forum. I am moving this to include it with this thread.

Sandi
(member)
07/16/03 05:36 AM

Hi all,

I am new here, but after reading your stories I felt compelled to tell my own. My ex (P) and I were "married" for 5 years and 4 days. The relationship was sprinkled with adultery, lies, financial hardships and oh my God...DRAMA! But from the outside I had a relationship all my friends envied. I had poetry, music, limosines, parties and grandiose shows of affection and expressions of love. At the time I thought it was the greatest love of my life. It was also my biggest nightmare.

As our realtionship progressed I became more and more obsessed with making him happy....being what he wanted me to be. Through his adultery I found myself further and further isolated as he intentionally targeted my closest friends as conquests. Through it all I took responsibility for his behavior (eventually) and forgave him. Each time it ate away more and more of my individuality. I found myself constantly worrying over my own behavior and my own failings in the relationship.

On our 5th wedding anniversary he picked me up in a limo....complete with roses and champagne. Over dinner he expressed his undying love for me...and his incredible luck to be with me. We toasted to the next 5 years. I was in love all over again and basking in the glow of his adoration.

4 days later he awoke, dressed and packed for a 3 day business trip. I dropped him off at the airport myself. Later that day I stopped to pull money out of the ATM only to discover the account was empty. (Here I will cut to the chase) He had changed his identity, wiped out my bank accounts and moved on to his next victim with as many of my valuables as he could could carry. Over the next 3 months I discovered nothing I had ever known about him was true. (Except his family) Even the name he gave me was a variation of his real name. There was no record we had ever been married, or that he had ever existed. I learned from his Brother that he had been diagnosed a narcissistic psychopath in 1991....and I was victim number 9. I was completely devastated. I didn't think I could go on without him. My friends had me on a suicide watch (they returned to my life upon his exit) and I sought therapy. I started reading everything I could get my hands on about his "condition". Throughout the next year and a half he continued to call....telling me he loved me....telling me I had misinterpreted what had happened and he had not "really" left me. In the beginning I would listen, wanting to believe him, but eventually I understood they were further attempts to manipulate me.

I worried that I would not be able to turn him away if he suddenly appeared in my doorway. I knew I was vunerable to his incredible charm. So I got a restraining order against him. I knew I was free from him when he called the last time. I was in the kitchen cooking dinner when the phone rang. It was him. He talked for a few minutes and I aws interested in the new version of "How everything is really OK between us" when he said something that made me start laughing uncontrollably. In a low voice he half whispered "Don't forget to lock your door, Sandi"

I started laughing so hard I had to put the phone down! No matter how I tried to get myself under control it made me laugh harder. Finally I pulled myself together and picked up the receiver. To my surprise he was still there. This made me laugh all over again. (shorter this time) When I again picked up the phone he asked angrily "What's so damn funny?!" I replied "Yes, Phil ... I lock my doors. But now I lock the bad people OUTSIDE!" To which I laughed and hung up the phone. I must have laughed for 30 minutes. He never called again.

I was finally free...both internally and externally.

I just wanted to say that eventually it DOES stop hurting. Eventually you will SEE them for what they are and they will not have any more power over you. Don't punish yourself for being "stupid", "forgiving" or "naive". Rejoice in the fact you have that to give. Take heart in the fact that you CAN grieve, that you CAN feel. Because they will forever be closed off from everyone and will never know either sorrow or joy. And yet you.....will love again....and be loved in return.

I am not saying it has left me without scars. I am still hyper sensitive to lies from men I meet. I have not yet (after 3 years) found another man to love. But I know I will. I know you will too.

Sandi

betterway
(member)
07/16/03 07:51 AM

Hi Sandi,

Welcome to the forum and thank you for sharing your story.

>>Take heart in the fact that you CAN grieve, that you CAN feel. <<

That is what I needed to hear today. At times I feel so numb to feelings. When reading what you wrote it reminded me of how I did have feelings, lots of them, I have so much compassion, I have a big heart, I use to care about people (now Im suspicious of everybodies motives). Then came P. He made my world shine. Then he took my feelings, my caring heart, my friendship and stomped all over them and crushed my spirit. I am in recovery now - with No Contact- and I know I will feel again. He may have taken the good away for awhile but he can't have it forever. I also know that I feel so much empathy and love for the people I meet that really share from their heart and know what the real pain is of dealing with a P.

Nice to have you here on the forum, Sandi.

betterway

recovery
(member)
07/16/03 07:56 AM

Hi Sandi

Everytime it takes my breath away about how alike they are these Ps. I agree that there is life after P and that is wonderful. But the ties that bind to my P is our child and the knowledge that although she is safe just now - she might not be in the future. I want him unmasked - but ofcourse the harder I tried to prove my case the more he could portray me as a ranting !$%$£$% - people might believe one affair, even 2 or 3 consecutive but 2 or 3 simultaneously, well it was easier to go with the P. So we moved.

That is why I am an avid reader here - to get clues on how to best protect. I am pretty much in the future but with an eye glancing back - just in case.

But I agree that when you finally get the measure of the P and realise the one you loved does not exist - then the sense of freedom is phenomenal!

best of luck

recovery

finished
(member)
07/16/03 03:19 PM

Hi Sandi,

Thank you so much for sharing your story. The threads of similarity are too much to ignore. They all really do seem to follow the same pattern.

Yesterday when P#2 called at first it was work related, then his voice went low and seductive and he asked what I was doing that afternoon. There was no mistaking what he meant. Fortunately, I had plans but the fact that I responded to it was shocking to myself! When I hung up I felt violated and yucky.

>>I worried that I would not be able to turn him away if he suddenly appeared in my doorway. I knew I was vunerable to his incredible charm.<<

I hear that!!! I was caught totally off guard. It has been 10 months since I was "with" him last. It was a NIGHTMARE that has taken me months to get over and am STILL working on getting over. I was shocked at my automatic response. Like I said, I'm more vulnerable than I think to him. . .still.

I posted an article on another thread by Dr. Sam Vaknin. He is a Narcissist. It so mirrors what you described. It is a very interesting read.

http://www.suite101.com/article.cfm/9128/102150

>>I just wanted to say that eventually it DOES stop hurting. Eventually you will SEE them for what they are and they will not have any more power over you. Don't punish yourself for being "stupid", "forgiving" or "naive". Rejoice in the fact you have that to give. Take heart in the fact that you CAN grieve, that you CAN feel. Because they will forever be closed off from everyone and will never know either sorrow or joy. And yet you.....will love again....and be loved in return.<<

I am finding that to be true in my life as well Sandi. It feels good to open my heart again. I only do that with people I KNOW are safe right now though.

Again. . .thank you so much for sharing. I am so glad you joined us :-).
finished

dusty
(member)
07/16/03 04:02 P

Sandi:

Welcome to the forum. So many read this link, but not enough, for their own well intentioned reasons, tell their story.........we/i understand why. it is so scary...and heartbreaking and exhausting/unbelievable.

thanku for sharing............

Dusty

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#1269 - 07/22/03 11:55 PM Re: My Story [Re: Dianne E.]
Anonymous
Unregistered


Sandi,

Welcome to the forum. Your story, while chilling and unsettling, was written in such a succint, levelheaded manner that it is clear you are..well...clear! The trials and tribulations of your experience, the deceipt, the pain and anguish is familiar territory for most of us on here.
Bravo to you for dealing with it in such a healthy way.
I, too, had the tables turned on me though not as dramatically as yours. I'm curious, though. Were you close to his family throughout your "marriage"? And if so, it must have been distressing to you that they chose not to share this information with you earlier.
Yes, I will agree with you that time makes it all better... and distance certainly plays a major part in that. Still, I have those brief moments that play with my heartstrings when I least expect it. Still, I do know now that my P is not capable of having a normal, feeling, empathetic relationship.

Rick

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#1270 - 07/25/03 05:11 PM Re: My Story - Part One
Marie Offline
member

Registered: 04/09/06
Posts: 7
What a great forum! Itís such a comfort to see that others have gone through what I have. As I write this Iím still under his grip and I hate myself for it, and Iím aware that Iím not seeing things quite clearly yet, but here goes:

Iím 18 and heís 19. In the scheme of things--what with people marrying psychopaths and having their lives completely ruined--this summer fling of mine isnít a big deal. Itís just so hard for me to accept that I have to let him go.

We went to high school together and we talked then, but we werenít really friends. He was a petty thief at age 13, had a reputation of accepting sexual favors from any girl at any time (he was a self-styled "pimp"), and had more charisma than a politician--he was our class president, in fact. I was fascinated by his bad-boy mystique, and there was never a dull moment of conversation with him. He and I kept in touch through freshman year in college. He was a heavy drinker and had a stint as a cocaine addict, during which time he offered to pay me (with money AND sex) to write his term papers. I declined. Iíve noticed that his code of ethics can be reduced more or less to an "ends justify the means" philosophy.

Somewhere Iíd read about sociopathy and had concluded that my friend was probably a sociopath. When one day he told me heíd just gone to the doctor and was now "certifiably insane," I expected sociopathy to be the diagnosis--but no, he was bipolar. Later, though, after weíd dated and the entire thing fell apart before my eyes, I asked him if he was a sociopath and he informed me that he was a borderline psychopath. "I like within the bounds of this reality but under the backdrop of my own reality," he said. "Iíve completely flipped my lid! The drugs are just a cover for it. But my psychiatrist is convinced I can never be dangerous, because I feel guilt for my actions." Interestingly, however, he claimed to feel guilt for "being bad because I know itís not what Iím supposed to do," which shocked me: Shouldnít the reason for the guilt be the pain of the people he steps on?

Our dating relationship (a "summer romance," as he called it) began after the end of freshman year, lasted for a measly three weeks, and was initiated completely by him. I look back on the entire episode as a whirl-wind of drugs and alcohol. The both of us were always under the influence of something. He moved fast; he told me he loved me two weeks into it, and I, the fool, believed it. According to him, heíd had enough of his "pimpiní lifestyle" and was ready to settle down and work for real intimacy with me, because I was a special girl and we understood one another. I was disturbed when he told me he couldnít for the life of him remember when his last relationship was or who it had been with, but I consigned this thought to the same forbidden place Iíd sent the nagging voice that whispered, "Sociopath! Stay away!" Denial is a beautiful thing.

There were many red flags. The road to destruction was riddled with broken promises, about which I never confronted him. The truth is, I was and still am completely enamored of him and was willing to put up with all the unreturned phone calls and broken plans in the world if it meant I could continue to enjoy his company, because I enjoyed his company very much. I craved him, and I mistook the craving for love.

Suddenly, he flat out stopped calling me, answering my calls, or returning my messages. I was utterly confused. On our last date, Iíd told him I loved him--I really believed that he was the love of my life--and heíd said wistfully, "If only weíd known about this in high school"; the whole night had been perfect, in my opinion. I find it very interesting that he dropped me immediately after he got an avowal of love out of me. For a few days Iíd convinced myself heíd lost his cell phone which contained my phone number (denial is a beautiful thing) but that explanation couldnít hold water for long. If he loved me (which he DID, or so he said), why didnít he e-mail me? Why didnít he ring my doorbell?

Ten days later I confronted him via IM. Heíd needed to be "a recluse" for a little, he said, and had left me a voicemail the week before. As to the supposed contents of this mysterious vanishing voicemail, Iíve not a clue. He promised to call me later that night so that we could go out--although I was furious, I gave him the benefit of the doubt yet again and agreed to see him! The call never came. "Psychopath," I fumed and berated myself for my blindness. It was the only explanation I could think of for his behavior. I vowed to throw him into my mental dustbin.

A week or so later, as I was still coming to terms with the nightmare, I was out driving and there he was in the oncoming traffic. He gave me a huge grin which I couldnít help but return, such was my disbelief that he had the audacity to smile at me. I later confronted him on IM again and received what was essentially an apology: "I donít want you to hate me, I really did have feelings for you, I just canít control myself, donít hate the entire male population on account of my actions," etc. etc. He still instant messages me, and just the other day he said he wanted me to use him as my "sex toy," that he still loves me even if I hate him, and that heíd call me so that we could get together. (He never called.) I hate myself for it, but Iím so tempted to take him up on his offer; I probably would if heíd just stick to his word for once and call me to make plans. His magnetism is unlike anything Iíve ever encountered and it overshadows my resentment over everything always having to be on HIS terms, according to HIS timeline.

Thanks for reading!

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#1271 - 07/25/03 05:40 PM Re: My Story - Part One [Re: Marie]
Dianne E. Offline

Administrator
member

Registered: 11/15/02
Posts: 2788
Loc: United States
Hi Marie, welcome to the forum. I am sure as you read the posts here that most victims have a NO contact rule when it comes to being with Psychopaths.

Di

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#1272 - 07/25/03 10:39 PM Re: My Story - Part One [Re: Marie]
Anonymous
Unregistered


I'm a bipolar and though during a manic phase or hypomanic phase a bipolar may come accross as a sociopath it is completely different. Bipolars cycle, too, it's true. But bipolar start by getting kind of revved up, rapid speech, t hey think they know everything, they become grandiose, extremely charming. Bipolars are not cold, they are self centered in the manic phase. When the mania subsides they will usually become depressed. The two diagnosis may be comorbic.
My bipolar P interestingly was never blue when depressed, only unable to function, uanble to get out of bed, feeling physical symptoms but never sad.

This guy whatever he is is trouble. Don't get all involved in the riddle of the sob. He's just an sob and unlikely to change. If on top of that he's a bipolar forget it. I spent 20 years with mine. Follow the general idea. No contact. That has worked for me.

Recovery starts I think when you finally become convinced that there is no hope for this person. That they are not going to change. Like other abusive relationships, the chances of getting hooked in a cycle of abuse diminish considerably if at the first sign of abuse you decamp. Once you are stuck with the P, he'll play you like a piano and you will become so debilitated and confused you'll find it hard to leave. You will eventually also lose your perspective of reality and start accepting the P's version of reality, which is a self serving set of rationalizations to cover up what he is trying to do for himself against you best interests.

Remember what you see is a mirage. This great guy is inextricably intertwined with a sh*t who will drain you, use you and eventually discard you. You are not a real person to him. This is an internal construct he canot make.

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#1273 - 08/29/03 07:29 AM Re: My Story - Part One
Anonymous
Unregistered


Hi

First I'd like to say thanks to Di and everyone else involved for an unbelievably great website. It has helped so much to know that other people have also felt the things that I have felt and been as dumb as I was! I can at last start seeing myself as a sane and normal person who just happens to have had a particularly lousy experience. It feels like coming home!

I'll try to keep my story short, but it is so complicated - as it usually is when dealing with a P. But perhaps at the beginning, I should say that it all happened a long time ago; that I have come a long way down the road of recovery, but hope that being able to share with all you wonderful people will help me finally to become a whole person.

I first met my P when I was 17 and he was 20. We were the greatest of friends; he was extremely intelligent and charming and made me laugh a lot. I adored him. Even then, he could be incredibly irresponsible and drank too much, but this was all part of his charm. At 18 I had a 'fling' with him and realised I was in love. It didn't last long, and he didn't bother to contact me again. Over the next 9 years he would occasionally pitch up, take me out, sleep with me, give me a great time - and disappear again. I was never able to feel anything serious for another man, as they were all overshadowed by this 'wonderful' person who I loved so very much. However, I tried to have other relationships and by age 27 had a beautiful 3 year old daughter and was living a happy and stable life as a single mum. Then P descended on me again, but this was a different P. His parents had died, he was utterly alone in the world, he had been in the army and 'seen terrible things' which, he said, had left him in deep depression. He was drinking heavily and now had his own business which was financially on the rocks - although he initially told me it was doing well. Well, sucker here just could not resist diving in and trying to sort out his life for him. Within 3 weeks we were engaged; I had given notice at work and had begun organising to move to the town where he lived. I packed him off to the doctor (yes I was a bossy managing cow) who diagnosed a nervous breakdown and put him on tablets. I was told I should keep all worry and stress away from him, so I immediately took on the books and admin for his business, paid outstanding bills, took on the household expenses and the running of the household, and everything else that could possibly be a stress to poor P. Our sex life was pretty poor; he was always either too drunk or too stressed or too something. I had a vague feeling that all was not right in the way he reacted with young boys, but put that thought out of my mind as it was just an incredible suspicion to have of such a nice person as P. He could be violent and very abusive when drunk, both to me and other people, but always said he was so very sorry the next morning when he was sober. I had been living with him for perhaps 3 months when the episode which still blows my mind took place. We had a girl living in the cottage - she was very likely a P as well, but not sure on that. She shared meals with us etc and had a small daughter just a little older than mine.

One evening I was cooking and they were chatting. I walked through and they were giggling and smirking. They handed me a drink and would not share the joke with me. It took many years and a good psychologist before I managed to remember the subsequent events of that evening. All I could remember the next day, after that point, was sitting down with them after supper, and laughing hysterically about a stupid very un-funny joke I had made - and the next thing I remembered it was dawn and I was sitting in the bathroom with a loaded rifle in my hands, pointing to my head, and P was bursting through the door. I had absolutely no idea what I was doing with the rifle or what had happened the previous evening. P was in a furious temper and told me that I had been running around outside through the bushes with my daughter and a carving knife threatening to cut her throat.I was in a real state, hardly able to walk, sore all over, and bleeding. I found it impossible to believe that I could have done anything like that. I asked my little girl later in the morning if I had taken her outside in the night; she said yes. My heart just sank and I felt completely broken. I asked if I had hurt her and she said no. I was too devastated to even ask or say any more about it. I blocked it out of my mind and refused to think about it.

Of course, what I only realised much, much later - 15 years later, when under counselling - was that they had spiked my drink with something bad, probably LSD. Later, when I got the memories back, it turned out that I had not touched my daughter - the house we lived in was an old fashioned one with the loo in a small building outside the main house, and I had taken her to the loo in the middle of the night - hence the 'yes' when I asked if we went outside. But for 15 years I believed I was mad; that there was a violent and evil person inside me that could come out any time.

P reinforced the idea that I was mad - it suited him and his manipulative ways, and also provided a great cover if I ever found out the truth about him and spoke to anyone about it. 'Oh, that's just one of my wife's stories; she's not quite right in the head' kind of thing. I became a total non-person; was completely controlled and manipulated by P and would do anything for him. The next five years are a blur. I remember very little about them. I had none of my own friends or family in that town; no-one I could confide in.

Eventually, with the help of some amazingly good friends I subsequently made, I was able to find the strength to leave him, although I truly believe I would have gone back to him time and time again, if it was not for the next disgusting event in the saga. My nephew, by now aged 16, confided in me that P had abused him when he was 10 or 11 years old. I later found out that he had abused my other nephew as well - who in turn grew to be an abuser and abused my daughter when she was about 7 and he was around 14. All the vague fears I had had over the years, and our lack of sex life, now made sense. It had always been 'my fault' that he did not want to sleep with me - I had been bad, or I was ugly and unwomanlike, or other more personal insults. But all the time it was just simply that I was not his type - he liked boys.

Well, that is my story. In the intervening years I have moved away from the town where he lived, got the boys and my daughter into counselling, and gone for counselling myself. I am now (mostly) human again - much more so since reading your website! Still suffer from PTSD to some extent, and have flashbacks to that awful night when they drugged my drink and the world went crazy. But (Ok I am a real dumbo) I never realised that he was a psychopath until the other day when I asked my counsellor why he should have done that, and she said it was because he was a psychopath. She read through with me the signs by which a psychopath is recognised - there were 7 of them and he scored 7 out of 7. I have since done some research on the net, and came to your website. I can really bond with what all of you are saying. Thanks so much all of you!

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#1274 - 08/29/03 08:57 AM Re: My Story - Part One
Dianne E. Offline

Administrator
member

Registered: 11/15/02
Posts: 2788
Loc: United States
Hi Ali, welcome to the forum. There isn't a charge for the words you type so feel free to join in wherever you are comfortable.

Di

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#1275 - 09/02/03 04:02 AM Re: My Story - Part One
Anonymous
Unregistered


does having to sleep with a knife under the bed on occasion constitute me living with a p?

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