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#1106 - 09/12/02 10:19 AM Re: My Story
Anonymous
Unregistered


Hi Cherie, thank you so for your kind words! Today is a bad day for me I can feel myself being pulled down into that endless pit of despair, and hopelessness. I am fighting tooth and nail to not be dragged down by the heavy shroud of depression. I think the longer you have been with one of these subhumans, in my case 25years, and 4 children, the oldest of which if you recall my story, he chased with a knife screaming he was going to cut his throat. Do you know what my son Damien said to this crackpot for him to pull his knife out? It was the words "You have never been a father to me anyway" Yes these truthful words brought this maniacs rage out. I guess the truth was too much to swallow.Even after all the years of unspeakable abuse towards me, when the P (Jeff} did that to our own son , I knew he was very capable of murder. Someone mentioned these guys fearlessness, I think that is wrong at least in his case. He is a big man 6"3 215lbs, but the only people he has been physical with has been me, at 5"5 110 lbs, and our oldest boy. So I would venture to say that they are spineless wimps who prey on the vulnerable. He has never gotten in an altercation with a man. After he spent one night in jail, he sent me a nasty letter saying I had ruined his life he was now part of the system. I do not know why but I did feel very guilty for being the one that made the call that put him in jail, for a big night. After we got together after this, he would have sex with me, but after if I went to hold his hand or kiss him , he wold pull away, and sneer, "You think I am going to hold your hand , or kiss you after you put me in jail" This just sent shock waves through me. The jail incident happend over a year ago, and he still says he will never forgive me or live with me because of that. Yet he comes by several times a week to spend the night and just play his sick games. I feel I am in limbo, continuing to see him just seems to prolong the agony. Why can' I let go of this bum. I mean I do not call or contact him, but he will not leave me alone. I always hold onto the dream that he will change, but my brain knows better. Please anything you might think that would help me get away from this monster, I feel I do not even want to get up in the morning anymore, but I refuse to let this loser do me in . Help! Love Mariann

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#1107 - 09/12/02 10:26 AM Re: My Story
Anonymous
Unregistered


Mariann, I'm so sorry for what you are going through.

I do not think there is any hope your husband will change.

The situation seems to be that now he has more control than ever because he doles himself out to you in little tantalizing pieces, contolling how much you get of what you want. This technique does serve to whet your desire for what is being withheld.

You can wrest your rightful control back by asking yourself whether or not you really want what is being withheld. What value is it you, really?

I would ask you, and you decide whether or not you want to respond, to describe your feelings for this man. Really I am asking you to examine your feelings, and if you wish to share with us, you will get some feedback, some reflection. This may help you to sort out your feelings.

I hope this will help.

kris

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#1108 - 09/12/02 11:15 AM Re: My Story
Anonymous
Unregistered


Hi Kris, as I had stated in my prior post the length of time 25 years, that I have been with Jeff makes it so much harder. He plasterd my nose onto the other side of my face two years into the marriage. Of course never taking the blame for anything he said I must of done it to myself with my elbow yea right. The hard thing Kris is his other side, we could sit and talk for hours ,and just enjoy being together, also we have a lot of physical chemistry. He is the only man I have been with since I have been 17, I have tried to just let it be sex and nothing else, but that is what always sucks me back in. I do not want to have sex with someone else at this point. XXXI He is like a robot in bed no passion or affection. I get the feeling that he does this to punish me, because what I really crave is the skin to skin contact and to feel I am loved, which he never says on purpose because he knows how much I want to hear it. Also the fact that he is my childrens father is another reason he is hard for me to let go. If he does not want to be a family why doesn't he just leave me alone. He has isolated me from all of my friends, and most of my family is fed up with my wishy washy ways with him for example always leting him back in my life. It should tell me something when my 6 year old daughter says to me mommy some day can we find a father who is good to us. The 8, 6, and 4 year old never say they miss him or want him back just the contrary. Not to mention my oldest boy feels betrayed by me when he sees I keep letting him come back into my life. So my fellings for him can range anywhere from wanting him physically, and missing him, to hating him and never wanting nothing to do with him again. It is when he puts on his nice act that makes me cave in. What is it I get from him well besides emotionless sex, someone to talk with , when he is decent and a man I have shared much history with I do not understand his hold over me. Here I am I was a professional horseback rider specializing in open jumping events which is seeing who can go over the highest jumps some over 6", at the fastest speed. I gave this vital part of my life up to because he made my life hell if I had to travel around the circuit of different shows. So Kris it seems that what I get from him is hardly worth the withering of my very spirit. Please I need to hear more from you guys to point out what kind of person I am letting control my life, I want to break free but still fell chained to him , this makes me very disappointed with myself. Thanks, Mariann


Edited by Dianne_E (09/12/02 12:26 PM)

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#1109 - 09/12/02 12:21 PM Re: My Story
Anonymous
Unregistered


Hi Mariann,

Sorry you are having such a bad day and hard time sorting things out. I wonder, have you done any reading on the subject of psychopathy? Have you read Dr. Hare's book, Without Conscience? Reading and learning about psychopaths has been a huge help to me.

Cherie

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#1110 - 09/12/02 01:15 PM Re: My Story
Anonymous
Unregistered


Mariann,

I understand...the other side. I was married to mine for 30 years, and I left exactly one year ago. I had those things you describe...children, history, we too could talk for hours and enjoy just being together, and chemistry...yes. It's so so hard to withdraw from something that is so much a part of you. And I also know the guilt you stuff down for not doing it, for continuing the relationship. One of the ways I think we longterm abuse victims do that is by not sharing with others how bad the bad stuff really is. We don't want to admit it. We don't really even want to know it ourselves. So you have taken a very big step by talking about this. I see it as a sign that you are moving past the denial that many of us got stuck for years, decades.

I hear in your words how much you desperately want to get him out of your life and out of your children's lives. I know how hard it is for a mother to speak of the pain her children are suffering over something the mother can do smething about. The fact that you speak of it shows a bravery, a boldness, a laying of the cards on the table, almost like pushing yourself through a door you don't want to go through. Overruling yourself.

I can tell you, from experience, when you get to this point, your fear of the loss and pain of going through that door is greater than the reality of what the loss and pain will be. You want him out of your life more than you want the small comforts of his companionship. I think you've already done alot of the grieving.

You're on your way out, Mariann, out of hell. It really is better on the other side of that door. I promise you.

kris

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#1111 - 10/15/02 11:39 AM Re: My Story
Anonymous
Unregistered


heligan
(member)
10/05/02 11:55 AM

My story the short version

This is copied from Tim Fields website on bullying where I posted it, He sent me an email which contained details of this site so I doubt he will mind.

Female. Private sector.

I was bullied in a fish factory on a Scottish island. It's the kind of job that has a high turnover of staff in any case and is the perfect setting for a bully. No-one in these places really wants to make a career of it, and it attracts a lot of young easily-led people.

My bully was a sociopath, very charming and he had the rest of the other girls on my line, eating out of his hand. He had a tendency to go from table to table telling jokes and spreading gossip. A little here a little there, let everyone join the dots; think they had worked it out for themselves.

The girl I worker near had health problems, and he didn't like her, I stood up for her; that was my first mistake. I openly said he was being mean to her when she was ill.

Then I became vulnerable, my boyfriend (very short term boyfriend, but I was serious for the first time in a decade) died, and I was now in a position he could kick me. To start with he feigned support, accompanying me home after the funeral, and coming on to me the next morning!! I said no, and it didn't seem to have turned nasty.. you just can't tell with a sociopath.

He spread lies about me from the next day, and I got no support from my workmates, as in his version I had made sexual advances on the night of the funeral, which made me sound like a ...

I made excuses until I finally had to admit what was happening, but I was not myself at the time I was trying to cope with a grief no-one understood and the hostility seemed the easiest thing to sort out.

I begged him to stop, God it was pathetic.. I should have gone straight to the bosses, but it is nearly always too late by the time you figure out what is happening. You are well and truly discredited before you realise what is happening.

It was not just in work that I was targeted by his gang of eager recruits; they would shout at me on the street to keep away from this man, telling me he wasn't interested.

I tried to talk to a supervisor, but he told me (lets call him Jeff) was a nice guy, and I should talk to him outside work. The supervisor was a nice bloke and I really don't think he knew what Jeff was, what was really happening. I told him that I had tried, and it only seemed to make things worse; he twisted everything, the supervisor agreed to talk to him (off the record). In the end though after a day of pondering it I decided that the damage Jeff would perceive I had done to his ego, was unlikely to get him to stop.

So I went around to talk to him, and he was charm itself. Like a fool I believed him; I guess because I wanted to. What he took, to be more than a peck on the cheek of gratitude, took me down a road of... do I reject him again or just do IT and hope to God, he is not messing about!

I was not exactly against the idea of oblivion at the time, I drank myself into it most nights, it would be true to say grief had turned me into a moron. So, I thought what the hell, but it was a big mistake as I found I couldn't go through with it. So I had rejected him AGAIN, and although I tried to explain; by the next day the lies had started again. Once again I had thrown myself at him, and I could hardly deny I everything, as I had gone a fair way (down the road to hell) with the man.

I left the job in the end, but I made a right old stink before I did, sent him solicitors letters and told the bosses... But he is still there and I am in the process of trying not to lose my home.

I did get another job after I left, very fast, but my health was bad as the stress and most of the on-hold grief started to come out.. so I was a basket case (depression) in my new job...and finally lost that too.

It is probably worth people who have left a job due to bullying to stop awhile, get a Drs line and let the stress come out without affecting their next job. It was definitely a mistake for me, I thought I was strong enough to just move on, that is not really realistic.

Because you know, what people are, after you have been bullied, and not just the sociopath but the rest...like sheep they follow, like sheep, (not caring, sensitive, good people).

It is sad, and it is frightening, it explains Bosnia and the Holocaust; it seems to me that most people love to get stuck in, to have an enemy, they just love it...where is the empathy, where is the humanity???


kris
(member)
10/06/02 10:21 AM

Re: My story the short version [re: heligan]

heligan, I am so sorry about the death of your boyfriend, and this disgusting bullying episode you relate.

I have been witness to, and victim of, a number of similar incidents in my life. All of the ones I was victim of were perpetrated against me by my psychopathic husband. Most of those I witnessed in which others were the victims were probably also psychopath perpetrated.

I have never been able to get even a slight "piece" of understanding, on a gut level, how people can do this, be this way, what they get out of it. It's nauseating.

In my last 2 years with my husband, he turned our new community against me. I was well and truly ostracized, though I had done nothing the slightest bit wrong. He did it because he wanted to dump me, and marry a young girl on the staff there, and I was sick, and without money, and he couldn't very well throw me in the street without making it look right and noble, saving his own soul sort of thing. He didn't get the girl, then wanted me to stay with him after all. I tried to make it all right, at first, because I didn't see any choices for me. But it was pure hell, and part of that was the community continuing to treat me like a bad smell.

I asked Psychopath to explain to me (since I figured he would know) how it was that entire communities would gang up on the innocent victim, in a situation, and align themselves with the perpetrator of the crime. He was pleased to be of help. He explained that people are completely selfish, and are only concerned with their own power and popularity in the group. They will always align themselves with the winner, not the loser (the winner being the perp, the loser being the perp's victim).

This view of things totally sickens me. But I have seen it happen in life, again and again. And yes, look at Bosnia and the Holocaust. However. I do believe good is more powerful than evil. Whenever I have been a position of power, in a group, and this happens to a weaker member of the group, I have rallied the group to gather round the victim in support, and everyone has rallied. Unfortunately, the person who appeals to the group's higher nature has to be viewed as powerful for this to work. It also doesn't mean that the right thing will happen. But it means everything in the world to the victim that somebody cared.

How are you doing now, heligan?

kris


heligan
(member)
10/06/02 02:07 PM
Re: My story the short version [re: kris]

Thanks for your reply. Im much better now it has been almost five years since the whole thing started, you find a way to cope in the end.
The eczema (the health problems I mentioned) is still with me though, I am on incapacity benefit because although I can keep it under control, I have to live a very careful life to do that.

Its not just chemicals, stress is a bad thing, too. I recently thought about dating again and got a three week period of eczema.... so I guess that means Im allergic to men now..lol...

But I am starting to relent a bit in my views of the human race, which I suppose is a vital lie I need to tell myself, inorder to be able to have friends etc... I know there is good out there and I have to be somewhat open for that reason.

I do know though that I will never forget and the slightest idea that I am being manipulated sets off alarm bells, that is not something I ever want to lose.

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#1112 - 10/28/02 04:32 PM Re: My Story
Anonymous
Unregistered


This is my first post..but I am looking for suggestions. My sister is married to a p. Two years ago August her took over her brain. In that time, he moved her 3000 miles from her family. He spent all of her retirement (she is 36), tens of thousands of dollars, he drove her to a suicide attempt after 8 months of marriage, he changed her first name because he did not like it, would not let her curl her hair, wear make-up and now they have joined the Mormon Church. She also started smoking cigarettes (good Mormon) and he had her on Anti-depressants. He has supposedly had MS, a light case of Emphysema, which is why they needed to move to Florida from California, and now proclaims to have Parkinson's (he is 35). He owes tens of thousands in Child support to a previous wife. He has been married three times. He controls my sister and now she is in contact with nobody except that she now takes my parent's calls every couple of weeks. She won't listen to anybody...and she lashes out if anyone says anything negative about her p. She thinks he has changed, but he hasn't. She has gone from the sweetest person in the world to a very evil and nasty person. I am very frightened for her. He fits the P's characteristics about 100% (Dr. Hare). They are so far in debt right now. He has had 10 jobs in 2 years, and it is always somebody elses fault. He is also taking advantage of the LDS church for jobs and money and favors. He takes advantage of everyone. She did not even contact her parents on their 50th wedding anniversary because "he" was not invited. Then we did not hear from her for 5 months. They have used the "F" word to my parents. She has always had the most wonderful relationship with Mom and Dad until he came along. She left her "p" shortly after the suicide attempt but he had her back, turning on everyone in no time. I am running out of patience with them. I know she is in a cult-like situation, but I am not sure what else I can do. We miss her terribly and worry about her. She has become "him" in a way. She has also had multiple jobs, four or five in the past 10 months. She said something about sexual discrimination in her job (which lasted 60 days). It is the "p" putting things in her head. She has no friends anymore, no money, her acting and signing career is probably over because of him. I am trying to be patient, but it is so difficult. Thanks for listening.

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#1113 - 10/28/02 10:39 PM Re: My Story
Anonymous
Unregistered


Hi Robert,

You got that right, this is exactly like a one on one cult. Captive Hearts, Captive Minds is a great book that explains the dynamics of these relationships. As for deprogramming from one, that's pretty hard. She has to get herself out. You can literally pull them out of it, but likely she will go back.
Over the years, I have tried to help many girlfriends, with no success. Even explaining the power dynamics to them, it never helped.
The only advise I have is to be there for her, if and when she gets out. Keep in contact with her, and be very non -judgemental. Otherwise it will work against you. You can't control her behavior, only your own. You can choose to go on the rollercoaster ride with her, and drag yourself down with her, by worrying and stressing yourself out. Or you can let go and let god.

Betrayed

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#1114 - 10/29/02 07:01 AM Re: My Story
Anonymous
Unregistered


Hello Robert, welcome to the forum. I am saddened to hear about your sister. I think Betrayed is giving you some good advice. It must be very difficult to sit on the side lines while her life is in shambles.

Di

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#1115 - 10/30/02 03:00 PM Re: My Story
Anonymous
Unregistered


Thanks very much Betrayed. It sounds like great advice. I have been studying a lot about psychopaths and this guy is not physically dangerous, but is so destructive. I haven't spoken to my sister in a year, since she turned all everyone she loved. It is best not to challenge her or her "p" husband. An psychologist specializing in personality disorders told me, "She is not herself anymore, she will come running home and she will get better over time". That gives me such hope. I only hope our parents can see her come back some day.

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