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#1116 - 10/30/02 04:09 PM Re: My Story
Anonymous
Unregistered


Robert, I just want to express that my heart goes out to you. I am glad you found our forum, and I hope you will continue to come and read and learn and discuss your issues with your sister's sad circumstances, and seek support, as you may need.

kris

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#1117 - 12/05/02 10:01 AM Re: My Story
Anonymous
Unregistered


This is my first post on this site, but not the first visit. I've been reading this forum since about September, and, i can say with others, that it saved my sanity.
I don't have time to say much now - but many thanks to all the people who clarified the craziness. I was "bitten" twice by a P. I know the saying "Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me"....but with a P it's not that simple. And there was 18 years in between!! Eighteen years ago i had no idea what he was. Unfortunately, this past spring and summer I got to find out the real answer. I had thought dreams do come true when he called me up again late last winter. I should explain that we are (and always were) 1300 miles apart (thank God for that - the story might have been longer). Anyway, I'll have to post again. I had had no idea that these kinds of "people" are out there among us - and we're loving, living, sleeping with them. Well, I'll post more later. Thanks to all until then.

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#1118 - 12/05/02 01:21 PM Re: My Story
Dianne E. Offline

Administrator
member

Registered: 11/15/02
Posts: 2788
Loc: United States
Hi P-PROOF, welcome to the forum. I will look forward to reading more of your story when you are ready.

Di

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#1119 - 12/07/02 12:38 PM Re: My Story [Re: Dianne E.]
Dianne E. Offline

Administrator
member

Registered: 11/15/02
Posts: 2788
Loc: United States
debadoux

12/06/02 11:04 AM
Finally people who know what I have known

I have been looking for someone I can talk to about this mental illness who will believe me and not call me crazy!Plan to talk here everyday and seek advice and help through this forum! Deb


Dianne E.
12/06/02 11:51 AM

Re: Finally people who know what I have known

Hi debadoux, welcome to the forum. I will move this to "My Story" and when you are ready you can post.

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#1120 - 12/10/02 12:13 PM Re: My Story [Re: Dianne E.]
Dianne E. Offline

Administrator
member

Registered: 11/15/02
Posts: 2788
Loc: United States
P-PROOF
(member)
12/10/02 10:05 AM

I'll start to post my story today. First I'd like to say that I know my story isn't as horrible as some of you have gone through - and I can thank God for that. And truly wish I could help any and all people out there somehow not to have to go through any of a P's perpetrations, and if they are now involved to GET OUT. I have been reading on this forum since Sept., learning and validating what I have experienced, however. I guess I need to give some, hopefully, concise background info. on myself. I tell myself I'm old enough to have known better, but alas that doesn't count for much with a P, and it also depends on you yourself and where you are (or not) in your life. I'm at the half century mark - and when I look back on my life so far - the relationships with the opposite sex are very much less than ideal. I was brought up with the typical 1950's mentality - women get married and ride off into the sunset, and maybe they work a little while as a secretary/nurse/teacher (traditional female roles) beforehand, before their REAL LIFE begins with a man.
So consequently, I hadn't developed my own life before looking. For years my one focus was to find Mr. Right.
The Mr. Rights turned out to be married (and lying about getting divorced), or unavailable otherwise (as in alcoholic). The P came along 18 years ago, just as I was learning for the first time about alcoholism and co-alcholics (me). That was the beginning of my real education in life and I was astounded to find out about that disease, and like with the P, learned all I could and began the journey of examining my life and self-discovery, and my contributions and why (low self esteem, etc.) into these dysfunctional relationships. Add clinical depression for years into the mix and the picture isn't pretty. Twenty years ago the breakthroughs in treating and recognizing and validating depression were unfortunately not out there yet. That part has since responded to treatment, but getting involved with "bad men" doesn't help.

Anyway, 18 yrs. ago, as I said, I had just learned that my boyfriend of five yrs. was an alcoholic and what that meant. I was told to run like hell from that. Well, I did - right into a P. The P happened to be here in my state from another state 1300 miles away. I was going to college part time (have since earned that degree - but took 15 yrs!). Naturally, I was depressed, lonely, and ready for something new to replace the alcoholic. This guy happened to be from the south, and since I had always loved the south and anything to do with it - I met him and immediately felt like I'd known him forever - like he had walked into my kitchen and been my friend for the last 20 years! I also knew he was only here for less than 2 weeks and I figured I'd just enjoy the diversion of meeting some new people (others had accompanied him). Well, he (obviously now) made me his "target". I've always been a shy person, not outgoing, and could never figure out why one of my girlfriends could sleep with a man she just met- I thought that was stupid and unthinkable - since I generally needed to get to know someone for a long, long time, and gradually develop a relationship to that point. Not so with the P!!!! He said all the right things, I was hurting and vulnerable anyway - and I hate to say it but I figured I'll never see him again - what the hell?!? (to be continued)..

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#1121 - 12/10/02 12:15 PM Re: My Story [Re: Dianne E.]
Dianne E. Offline

Administrator
member

Registered: 11/15/02
Posts: 2788
Loc: United States
P-PROOF
(member)
12/10/02 12:04 PM

(continued from previous post....)
This P was so charming, southern, sweet, down-home - we could relate on so many things - rural life, farming, peace and quiet in the country, etc. - I felt so "at home", and as I said we ended up in bed in a flash one night after he "walked me home". Since it was 18 yrs. ago, I'm not sure when I found out he was married. As I said earlier, I was hurting from the end of an alcoholic relationship,and this guy was SO NICE TO ME. He was just so sweet, he ended up meeting my parents, it was just so wonderful having him around, when we weren't working. He ended up confiding that he was married, but it was on the "skids", that he'd got married way too young, had two kids, and wished he'd met me before. He advised that marriage was alright when you were too old to do anything else!!! And to wait for when the "right" one came along. There were other co-workers who were with him also - and after meeting a couple of his hard-drinking, crude buddies - well they just made him seem more of a saint and he pointed that out too - esp. the fact that he didn't drink, or smoke - just lived a "clean" life - with the wrong woman. After he left, I was glad we'd met, but thought that was the end of it. He took my mind off the former boyfriend. I later was rather apalled at myself for having "jumped into bed" so quickly, but what was done was done - and hopefully I'd made a southern contact - because I did, and still do, love the south.

I thought that was it. About a week later he called and said he didn't know what was happening, but he couldn't get me off his mind - he wanted to know what I'd done to him.
I have to admit I felt the same way - he made all the northern men I'd known pale in comparison. They didn't know how to treat a lady right. He opened car doors, was ready and willing to help anybody anytime, and so polite. Compare that to the fast-paced, impersonal rat-race life of congested northern sub/urban areas, where if you are friendly to someone - they think you're going to assault them. So here he was - calling me. It wasn't long before he was calling me EVERY DAY AND TELLING ME HE LOVED ME. The next thing I knew we were making plans for me to fly down there - he just had to see me. So that's what I did. I was mesmerized and "in love" with this person - I'd found Mr. Right and right where I wanted to live. His marriage was all but over, and it then looked like he was being transferred and told me his wife would not go with him. The only thing that stood in his way were his kids - he loved them and didn't want to lose them, but he wanted me so bad. I ended up flying down there, he put me up in a motel (because he had to work and his wife and he weren't split up yet), and he ended up flying up here about a month later. I wrote him letter upon letter upon letter (to a P.O. Box somewhere). And he called EVERY DAY OF MY LIFE JUST TO SAY HE LOVED ME.

The next thing I knew he was transferred and ready to make the split with the wife. I started making plans to move and he described the area we'd be going to. But things didn't move all that fast - and he didn't want to lose the kids but he was sure wife wouldn't move with him. I flew down there again a couple months later and this time I remember that I'd come home crying. This time I stayed with him in his new area, in a hotel/apt. and that's as far as I got. He took me nowhere and quite frankly, when I came home and people asked me what I'd done or seen - I could only say the hotel ceiling. But I was in love, and it was going to work out, I'd wait forever. By this time he still didn't know if his wife would follow him to the new area, but he was also talking about staying until the kids were out of school, and then we'd be together. He knew if she found out about me, she'd keep the kids from him. So that was only a couple years and I'd wait forever if need be. AND HE CALLED EVERY DAY TO SAY HE LOVED ME, WITH THE EXCEPTION OF A COUPLE TIMES. Then one day, about a year later, a day went by, another day, then more days - without a phone call, then a couple weeks. I panicked. Thought he'd been killed, hurt, whatever. He'd never gone this long without calling me. I wrote and wrote and wrote and wrote. No answer. In desperation I called his home number and he would pick up and say promptly "you have the wrong number". Pretty soon - he just hung up altogether. I'd plead "Please don't hang up - just tell me what's wrong. That's all I want to know". He had stopped all contact and wouldn't even give the decency of an explanation, a "go to heck", whatever - this from a person who had called me as I said - EVERY DAY FOR ALMOST A YEAR! Finally, the letters started coming back - unopened - return to sender - refused. He wouldn't even read them - but he was obviously getting them! I was sick - it was unexplainable. At that point all I wanted was, not even an explanation, but to be told to "drop dead" - anything - just to HEAR SOMETHING - SOME ACKNOWLEDGEMENT THAT WE REALLY HAD KNOWN EACH OTHER - SOME ACKNOWLEDGEMENT THAT I HAD EXISTED TO HIM.

In the next to the last desperate act I wrote a scathing letter to his father - hoping for reply. Nothing. Finally, I resorted to calling his father's home and telling him who I was and asking if the guy was alive or dead?!? Yes, he was very much alive, but I should realize he was such a "family man" and wouldn't leave them.

Then FINALLY - I did get a call from him. He asked me why I called his wife? I yelled that I didn't call his wife - NOT EVER - and furthermore, if I really wanted to be with him after his kids were out - I wouldn't shoot myself in the foot like that - I would not, did not, would never call his wife or do anything like that - that he should know me better than that!!! He pretty much just said "Oh" and that was that. (Remorselessness!!!) I hung up the phone and years went by. I had at least thought the guy would remain a friend. That first time was devastating - and I spent many, many months recovering from that hurt - since I had built our relationship into something that would actually be on-going, that he and I would get married, that it was so powerful the love we had.

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#1122 - 12/10/02 01:06 PM Re: My Story [Re: Dianne E.]
Anonymous
Unregistered


(cont. once again) In telling "My Story" I forgot (senior moments?!) some crucial P details. In my first go-around with him 18 yrs. ago - he had confided some now-typical P stories. I didn't mean to say he said he was living a "clean life" with the wrong woman - which in so many words he did say - but he had confided different affairs he had over the years - because he was married to the wrong woman. (And he seemed proud of all these other women - wow, what a stud he was), but of course, I was the RIGHT WOMAN, AT LAST!! He even told me about a child he had with another woman. How he came home one day, and saw both the mistress' and wife's car in the driveway - and he couldn't back out. So he just went in and there they were - crying. His main comment about that was "I guess my wife couldn't take a joke" (which he was often saying about me - wondering if his wife was ready for another joke?!). But he was a good father, and provided for the baby, and told me about the gifts he gave her, etc. etc. He didn't shirk his responsibility!! I guess it was shortly after that he had a vasectomy (practically a carte blanche in the affair dept., huh?). But of course, he told me how he had been scheduled for that prior to the "other woman" getting pregnant - how he was in the doctor's office that day - and the doctor got called out on an emergency - and well, wasn't long after that he got the "other woman" pregnant - and it wouldn't have happened if the doctor hadn't been called away!!!! (The fault always lies with someone else!!).
This P did hold a full time job for many years and was somewhat of a workaholic (according to him) - and I do believe he was recognized and applauded in his field. I often asked him how he had time for other women and he said it was a because of the job - out on a management tract all day - alone - and sometimes you'd stumble on a woman recreating - and he'd help her out!! He didn't have to go into an office all day - but then when he did go into the main office - he was doing the secretaries there too!!
(How many red flags does a person need?! what was I thinking?! - That I was his true love, that's what - otherwise why would a person call you every day and tell you they loved you?!?) But I digress.....
So the ending or I should say "nonending" of that affair in time - was devastating and took me a long time to get over - I swore I'd never look at another man - and I basically threw myself into my studies and really did avoid males except as friends (but then you find out that platonic male-female friendships are few and far between!). I'm still learning that!
So I heard nothing from the P, until eight years later - just one day there he is on the phone. Out of the blue!
Says he's working in the state next door - would love to come see me. And have I gotten married yet, do I have a boyfriend? I said "No and sort of". I said hesitantly, "yeah, come visit - BUT ONLY AS A FRIEND!". By this time - I'd got over the pain - but had not forgotten. So he shows up on my doorstep. I open the door - he's his charming self - flies into my arms, takes my hand and starts leading me to the bedroom. I said "Whoa! - I'm seeing someone else". He attempts to change my mind. Oh just once for old time sake. I asked also if he was still married and how ___ was? Yes, he was still married, but gee it was so good to see me. He tries again - and again I said "no way". He simply wanted to have sex - that was it. He thought I'd give in - but I was so proud of myself - and I didn't. He just left. He had driven probably 4 hours and he just up and left. No talking, nothing - just in the door and "let's go to bed". I had chalked him up to just wanting sex and that was all he ever wanted. And I said "No".
I didn't hear from him again until about another eight years (what is this an eight-year cycle?) - and that brings us to early 2002.
Meanwhile, in between - I'd finished my degree, had sworn off men pretty much until that was finished in the late 1990's, and then started dating again. I don't really go out "looking" and pretty much rely on someone else making a first move somewhere somehow (which at this pt. are getting few and far between). First guy was a good friend of some friends - but I soon found out he was an alcoholic and of course, got out of that pretty quick, but not without a few crazy, hurtful times. I was proud of myself for recognizing it - I have learned something!!! (to be continued)

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#1123 - 12/10/02 11:06 PM Re: My Story
Anonymous
Unregistered


Hi P-Proof. Welcome to the forum. Thank you for sharing, I get so much out of each and every post of peoples experiences with a P. All of our experiences are different , but so much the same. I don't know about everyone else, but I am waiting with bated breath for the continuence of your story. But please only when you are ready. Take your time. You've written so much today, you must be exhausted. You know, after reading these stories, and my own experiences and many, too many stories from friends over the years, you sit and wonder are any men capable of loving commited intimate relationships. Friendships they seem to do fine at. But the other kind, well??? Feeling jaded today.

Betrayed


Edited by betrayed (12/10/02 11:14 PM)

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#1124 - 12/11/02 06:26 AM Re: My Story
Anonymous
Unregistered


P-proof
Same as Betrayed, welcome to the forum. I have waited to comment on posts because of waiting for the next one. You must feel relieved to have encounter this forum. I feel that among all the information I found on P, this the most helpful.

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#1125 - 12/11/02 07:49 AM Re: My Story
Anonymous
Unregistered


Hi Betrayed and Hopefull...thank you for your responses to my story. And I should say validation too - just by acknowledging me.
I do feel exhausted - and wonder why?! But after re-living the stuff through writing - well, it's exhausting. I'm almost finished with my documentation of him this past summer and it's over 30 single spaced pages so far!! I just don't want to forget a single detail - so I don't make the mistake of "forgetting" again. I call myself P-Proof - hoping that I truly am - a double meaning there - proof that he was a P, and Proof as in "bullet proof" now.
Even after reading the few books out there on P's, this site is still the best place by far to come for help. I wish there were support groups in person for us - but I don't know of any. Yes, I hear and speak "jaded", when it comes to men. There are some good ones I guess, somewhere, but most of the ones I run into who are not P's are, at best, spoiled, self-centered, and go through the world feeling they're entitled to women waiting on them and doing for them. Well, I will continue with the next (and final) chapter of my P soon. Meanwhile - thank you for reading and writing. Be good to yourselves!!!

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