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#9935 - 08/13/10 02:32 PM Re: Red Flags [Re: Violet]
Dianne E. Offline

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Registered: 11/15/02
Posts: 2788
Loc: United States
Hi, HeWontGoAway welcome to the forum.

It never hurts to start calling attorneys in your area and asking if they have handled any cases involving a Psychopath, when you hit on one, most all attorneys will give you a free 15 minute consultation. If the attorney feels right, just ask if perhaps he/she could help you on a pro bono case. The worse they can say is no.

I agree with Violet, I would have to say the most common situation facing a victim/survivor and the court system is that by the time an attorney is retained or in court, the victim can come across as the crazy one while the Psychopath is as cool as can be. It is only a natural response from the pain and torture but it does give the cool calm, lying Psychopath an advantage point.

How did you come to the point that you knew what you were dealing with?, was there a moment in time you spotted the first red flag?

Di

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#9946 - 08/16/10 02:07 PM Re: Red Flags [Re: He_won't_go_away]
bluebird Offline
member

Registered: 06/19/10
Posts: 21
Hi HeWon'tGoAway,

I had written a long post to you a few days ago, but unfortunately it vanished into the ether. I'll try to write more later, but I just wanted to check in and see how you're doing. Hope all is well.

bluebird

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#10043 - 10/01/10 08:45 AM Re: Red Flags [Re: bluebird]
Violet Offline
member

Registered: 07/08/10
Posts: 105
Red Flag:

Heard a story about a man on the news recently: 23 children by 14 different women, owes over $500,000 in back child support! Something about this story seems to be screaming PSYCHOPATH!

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#10153 - 10/20/10 02:14 AM Re: Red Flags [Re: Violet]
ghdfans2010 Offline
member

Registered: 07/13/10
Posts: 2
We fought constantly mainly because I wouldn't back down. Back then I just attributed it to the fact that we were both just two stubborn people. Well I lost that job and so did he because we were dating and don't you know the bosses daughter wanted him oh so bad. We lost the apartment, and ended up moving in with his aunt. Now by this time he was always ranting about how much he hated my family and every time I would talk to any of them let alone go see one I would here about it for days and get attitude. Not to mention he had began throwing things I had told him about my past in my fast constantly. Now the changes that were taking place were really starting to make me mad at that by this time, but for some reason I didn't leave like I normally would have.GHD

I ended up not associating with anyone after a while that I had known before I met him cause if I did he would talk crap about how bad my previous life was even though I didn't see anything wrong with it. It got where his family were the only people I could talk to with out catching crap and they were just as bad as him. So I would not only have to defend myself against him but against his family also and the things he'd twisted and said to them about me. Cause don't ya know he was always the victim. Every girl he had ever been with had done him wrong, everyone he ever new had done him wrong, including his family which he manipulated to a tee also, especially his mom. Every time I would try to leave him which was a quite often the first few years something would happen and I'd be the bad guy. He even kidnapped my cat one time when I tried to leave him and ran off with her, knowing how much I loved her because I had had her for years before I met him. Later he would joke about that like it was a sign of affection.

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#10155 - 10/20/10 09:33 AM Re: Red Flags [Re: ghdfans2010]
Dianne E. Offline

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Registered: 11/15/02
Posts: 2788
Loc: United States
Hi ghdfans2010, welcome to the forum. I am sad to hear your story. It sure fits the pattern of isolation and gathering information to use against a person later. Not backing down must have made for some very tense moments. Did he ever strike you or just come close or act like he was?

I hope you are starting to rebuild your life. Did your family know what was going on and tried to speak with you or did they just stay silent to protect you?

I am glad you found us here, there are many posts here and when you are ready to tell more of your story we are here to listen and validate. If you don't find a thread that suits your situation please start a new one.

I can only envision being a pet person myself having someone evil person run off with one of my own, not to minimize your personal time of extreme fear and isolation. Not knowing single person to turn to must be a horror beyond horrors.

Di

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#11099 - 05/15/11 10:10 AM Re: Red Flags [Re: Anonymous]
gullablegull Offline
member

Registered: 06/30/10
Posts: 4
I just wonder how all of you are overcoming your experiences with your Psychopaths? I've been in therapy for a year now, and it's not helping really. All it has done for me, is validate me, and I now understand that I was a married to a bipolar narcissist Psychopath 2nd time, a n Psychopath 1st time, and that my own father was a narcissist Psychopath. Admittedly, it has put pieces together of a long and complicated puzzle I call my life. However, I've seen three drs. One made a dx of cptsd the first time we met. Another is for meds, and one that I started seeing upon separation on 2nd husband. I seriously need help with the CPTSD, and have found no one that does psychotherapy and EMDR, or neurobiofeedback anywhere. I'm not the same person I was, and am now a single mother for the first time too. I want so badly to be my old self, have back my confidence, for I have been a stay at home mom/wife for over 24 years. I just can't seem to get it together....I shake and tremble, even my voice quivers, and sometimes i tremble so badly my teeth chatter. My med dr says I'm addicted to xanax, but I don't do much at all, and she's forgotten that this is how I was before I started xanax. How long does it take you guys, or is this what I am for the rest of my life? I have focus/concentration problems, memory problems big time, don't trust anyone I meet, and yet I still have to battle the Psychopath in court over the divorce, the fraudulent mortgages, fraudulent prenup, and everything else I was totally unaware of, including the affair. I'm now estranged from family, for they did more harm than good. Any advice would be so appreciated...........I'm Christian, but my intrusive thoughts often interfere with my prayers. Has anyone else had these kind of symptoms from the psychopath aftermath?

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#11102 - 05/16/11 09:14 AM Re: Red Flags [Re: gullablegull]
Dianne E. Offline

Administrator
member

Registered: 11/15/02
Posts: 2788
Loc: United States
Hi, welcome to our community.

I will be back in the next couple of hours so will be sure to answer some of your questions. Some of the other members may be along in the meantime.

Di

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#11104 - 05/17/11 04:11 PM Re: Red Flags [Re: gullablegull]
Dianne E. Offline

Administrator
member

Registered: 11/15/02
Posts: 2788
Loc: United States
Hi, sorry it took so long to get back to you. It is hard to be very specific without some more detail, your path does indeed sound unfortunately familiar. Since you are in court issues etc. now is a very critical time for you to not be taken to the cleaners so to speak. Remember he has no conscience and your "outside" and "inside" appearance has to be intact to take on these challenge

Would you be willing to discuss in more detail so that we can assist with more specific suggestions? I would be glad to open a thread for you or you are more than encouraged to also, the more specific the title the better responses.

Knowing more about your stages will help others walking in your shoes speak from their own experience. I am glad you have been validated but getting information from others who have had first hand experiene can make all the difference in the world.

I will be checking back often to see which way you choose to proceed.

Di

I am always available by email if you need help with a title or any other ideas how we can proceed.

dianne@psychopath-research.com
dianne77@msn.com

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#11106 - 05/18/11 02:38 PM Re: Red Flags [Re: gullablegull]
cjp1 Offline
member

Registered: 04/28/11
Posts: 34
Hi gullablegull,
I am also new here on the forum and learning a lot. I was just reading your post and something you said about shaking violently struck home. Far too long a story to recount again (some of it's in a thread called 'Psychopath Stepfather') but I was brought up by a psychopath, though my mother was and is a wonderful woman. Unfortunately I still have to deal with him, as I am in an ongoing legal battle with him over a portion of a property. He is suing this battle to drain my psychologically and meddle with the relationship I have with my brother. The other evening I had to mail him with a letter from my lawyer, and though I had done 20 mins yoga to be calm and collected before I sat down, as soon as I sat down and opened my mail to write to him I started to shake violently, and suddenly went ice cold. (This is May, and I live in Madrid...!) Every time over the last couple of years when I have had to deal with him, or open an abusive mail from him, I start to shake, my teeth chattering and my heart racing. So yes, I can associate with that. I also sometimes get an instant migraine when I know I am about to receive another of his rage episodes, though I must say, fighting back bit by bit, and getting stronger and less of a victim is quelling these symptoms a little. I have even been able, a couple of years ago, to 'front up to him' and look him in the eye defiantly, and not feel afraid of him any more. In fact, he is now more intimidated by me, in a way, than I am by him, although I am always wary that he is a dangerous, poisonous, slippery character and not to be trusted.

I also have focus and concentration problems, would say that I have relied on non-prescription substances for years, 'recreationally', have been a heavy drinker, a smoker, and use food to calm myself, so the fact you are taking a lot of medication doesn't surprise me. It seems to be common among survivors of this type of abuse. I wouldn't know how to advise you, I am also here looking for advice, but I don't think the way you feel is for ever. The only example i can give you is of my mother, who was married to him, and though she has gone through eating disorders, instability, depression, a suicide attempt, and addictive behaviour, is now a glowing, healthy, calm, strong person. So it can be done. And she suffered years of abuse from him.

Unfortunately I recently befriended (or was selected by) another psychopathic character. He was a friend for a few years, and recently I worked him out, and began to draw parallels with my step father's behaviour. By this time he had started stalking me, had interfered in a close relationship, and several friendships, and was leading me to have panic attacks until I got a handle on what was going on and why he was making me so stressed. I terminated the friendship pretty quickly! Consequently I have withdrawn a lot, I used to be a really sociable person with a massive crowd of people around me, in and out of my house, and the last few months have been very isolated and untrusting, apart from with close friends. I can see where you're coming from with the not trusting anyone, as I am having a phase like that as well. However, I think you learn, and learn, and learn, and yes, we may make the same mistake again, but not necessarily. This time as soon as the scales fell from my eyes I got rid of this person from my life and closed the door firmly. I hope I will see the next one coming. I am certainly learning about 'red flags' for example.

All I can say is, hang in there, and keep coming on here and asking/talking/reading, as you'll find it really helpful. Everyone here seems extremely supportive and can give you good advice. If you want to chat/mail, just post me. I check every few days at the moment.
Good luck, and don't lose heart. The change in me over the past few years is incredible, as it is in my mother, so there's hope for everyone.
Cjp

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#11107 - 05/18/11 03:24 PM Re: Red Flags [Re: Anonymous]
cjp1 Offline
member

Registered: 04/28/11
Posts: 34
Dear Cherie and Kris, and all others who have posted here about red flags,

I am just reading some of your comments, and am struck by how many common traits one can recognise when dealing with a psychopath. I particularly picked up on the theme of destruction, possession and attempted erasure of identity.

My stepfather was/is an expert at this. Let me give you an example. I barely know what I looked like as a child, because I have no childhood pictures. When he and my mother divorced he took all the family albums, probably because she wanted them and he knew it would hurt her, and then carelessly lost them all during a move - he was always extremely dismissive of other people's possessions. (this was in the days before digital!) This may seem a small thing but it made me feel diminished, as if he was trying to erase all traces of who I was. My mum has one or two photos of me as a kid, and there is nothing else to remind me of who I was when little. He also took childhood objects with sentimental value, for example a cuckoo clock I loved as a child, that also got lost in one of the frequent moves, when he didn't pay storage fees for personal things.

He once borrowed my mother's sports car which had been a gift from her parents for her 21st birthday. It had her portfolio of art work from college in it, obviously precious to her. He borrowed it to go to work, and when he came back he had sold it, with her things inside. When challenged he brushed it off.

On a more weird note, as he is a gay man, and has, since my mother, been with male partners, it seems he also saw my boyfriends, when I was an adolescent and young woman, as possessions to take from me. Even though they may not have been gay, he was extremely competitive with me, and would always try to 'take' them from me. Even if nothing happened, he tried to convince me they were gay really. It seems pathetic and laughable now, but as a confused young woman with plenty of issues about self-confidence and need for love/approval and so on, it was really bewildering.

He knew my biological father before he died,, and when I asked him about him once, he even tried to stake a claim on him, remarking (probably falsely anyway) that he too was gay, and that my stepfather liked his boyfriend. I am currently in a legal battle with him, and sadly my brother (his biological son) is still totally controlled by him and defends him hysterically - going along with the argument I read here earlier about others not sticking up for you as a victim, belittling you, telling you that you are 'negative, hysterical, unforgiving' and so on, but that's another discussion. What I am trying to say is that he is now also trying to take my brother from me. My other brother died young a few years ago, tragically, and as I now have only one sibling left, my stepfather is hard at work finishing his master plan which seems to be alienating my brother from me and my mother.

I don't want this to sound like self-pity, but I believe on one level my decision not to have children is probably linked to him as well, not trusting any man enough to have long-term or close relationships, and not wanting to pass on this legacy of neurosis and confusion to anyone else. So you could say in a way he has also taken that from me.

So it seems like possession and destruction are very potent themes.

I totally agree that as this is a topic that is little understood, it is very important to share these observations and encourage research and open-ness, and above all, support for victims, so that others in future won't have to go through what any of us have. I wouldn't wish this on anyone but I would love to be able to help someone else who is going through something similar. When I was at the worst of it there was no-one to help my mother or myself.

And I love your comment that he may feel he has a right to destroy you but he can't, because he doesn't own you any more. This is my greatest triumph. I see him very rarely, and only once since opening my eyes to his nature. And he was extremely uncomfortable that I was defiant but cool, stood tall and eyeballed him, in fact he had to look away and back down. So they may destroy and take, but we can re-create and take it back. And the best revenge is to move on and prosper, to be happy and strong, out of their reach, and not even caring what happens to them or what they think, because they hate that, and they can't take it away from you once you have broken their spell.
Thanks for your insights and strength,
cjp

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