So my Grandfather has died this week. He is the only person that ever cared about me growing up. My psychopathic mother is putting together a service for him because she knows I will feel obligated to attend. I know that is the only reason she is doing this. So she can look good and make me look bad some how and cause me grief. She always said she just would let the city cremate her parents and she didn't care. Now she is pretending that she cares because I haven't seen her in 2 years and she can look good in front of a lot of people at church. I have had severe pain and acid burning my insides out all this week because of all the stress I am getting from this.

The service is this Saturday after church. I wish I could skip the whole thing because I am not ready to see my Mother. I don't know how to not let her bother me. I have my husband now who understands how she is and at least he will be with me. I just don't know what to say when the attack starts or how to handle it so I don't get so upset about it. She is going to cause a big emotional scene about me not talking to her for the past 2 years in front of all the church members and try to make me look like the horrible hateful daughter she says I am. She likes to take advantage of emotional situations to manipulate people. I don't want to feel bad when she is faking that she loves me if I try to ignore her, etc...

I don't know how to distance myself from her and not get sucked into her games again. I knew I couldn't avoid her forever but I was hoping to talk to an experienced psychologist first to learn how to develop a mental armor against her so 5 minutes with her doesn't cause me 3 weeks of mental anguish after then encounter. I don't feel like I will enjoy the service at all I can't express anything I feel about my Grandpa there because then I will be opening myself up emotionally for attack from my Mom. I feel like all I know how to do is be stern and try to shut off all my emotions so she doesn't hurt me so much. It never works 100% though. She may even get violent at this event. I am not certain how she will react but I know first she will try to make me look bad to get her way. When she doesn't get it I don't know what she will do.

I doubt she will get violent at church because then everyone there would see how she really is and I don't think she wants to do that, but who knows. I am just scared of what is going to happen and not looking forward to this. I don't want to be a mess because of this one incident. It would be nice if I could actually enjoy the time and think of my Grandpa. So I guess my question is how do I get some good mental/emotional armor? I don't want to feel so sick and have to shut myself down so emotionally and have to leave five minutes after I get there.

I want to know how to defend myself from her manipulations and not let it bother me. She always says something hurtful and makes you feel like you are a bad person and not good enough. I don't want to feel bad for not talking to my abusive mother. She uses the Bible a lot in her attacks. I am sure she will say I am being disrespectful and breaking the commandments since I don't call her and visit her, etc... She says that is how the evil children in the last days behave. So I guess I am one of them and won't be going to heaven.

hat is what I struggle with a lot. I don't want to see her because she is a psychopath and abusive but I want to know that I am doing the right thing. I don't want to feel like what if I am making a mistake and the words she says are true. She always says she has changed. She has finally let God into her heart and she is a new person. But you keep giving her chances and she is never changing. Just as evil as ever. As a christian though I feel bad to not give her chances.. The chances are so draining on me though and it controls and ruins my life. I feel great since I've been away from her. But how do I not let it bother me when I am forced to see her and how do I not feel bad about the decision I have made to not see her? Those are the only things I struggle with.

Hi Veronique,

My suggestion is that you do not attend the service, and my reasons are:

Funeral/memorial services are conducted and attended for the benefit of those left behind, you included. It would not be helpful to you to attend, rather it is causing you a lot of stress, therefore this service is not for your benefit.

1. You said that your grandfather is the only one that cared about you growing up. That says to me that all of the people attending the service did/do not care about you like your grandfather did. So, you are not going for their benefit, but more to honor your grandfather. As a grandmother of a wonderful child who is the victim of a psychopathic parent, I would want my child to stay away from a service that was being conducted as a means for that pyschopath to get into her head again. You grandfather is gone, and does not need your presence there.

2. You know why your mother is doing this, and you feel that she has influence over the others attending, so that she can make you look bad. She will try to make you look bad whether you go, or whether you don't go. So, keep yourself out of the snare of her web, and stay away.

3. As the experts, as well as so many on this site have said, the only way to deal with a psychopath is NO CONTACT. If you don't hear her false accusations against you, then you will not have to struggle with the evil things she says.

Please, protect yourself and stay away. That is what your grandfather would want - for you to be safe. That is what I want for my granddaughter, that is how I know.

Best wishes to you, and congratulations on staying away for 2 years. Don't let her lure you back.

Hi Veronique, concerned has expressed some very good things to think about. I would guess if your granddad could answer he would rather see you in peace than in the path of evil.

The passing of a loved one has a great deal of grief attached but can also be a celebration of the time you spent with him. Remember and reflect on the kindness he brought into your life. Expresing how we view the passing of a loved one is a very personal choice. If your mother prefers to put on a show and cause you pain, why go there. Hold your head up high, you have a right to grieve and celebrate the joy be brought into your life the way YOU choose, spend a quiet day in honoring and thinking about the fond memories and kindness he brought into you life and joy you brought to him in return. How about taking the day instead of heading into the path of evil to honor his memory your own way. Have a nice quiet day, away from the phones with your husband. Take a picnic basket and share the fond stories and your memories with you husband. You will for sure end the day the way it should be, not being crushed to a pulp, that is not how to honor your dearly departed granddad. You know what the outcome will be if you allow your mother to decide how you should honor his memory. Will she proabably gossip about you not being there, probably, but do what is in your heart. Share that time in your heart in his honor, I think he would want to keep you out of harms way even in spirit.

You have the choice to honor his memory and he will always be with you in your heart. Don't let that get stripped from you when you know you have the choice between peace and honoring his memory or walking into the grasp of your mom and her evil ways. It is truly all about her, I think respecting yourself and your memories sounds like the path to consider. Spending the day reflecting on your fondness and memories of his kindness sounds like a healthier choice.

He is in a peaceful place, I would guess he would like you to honor his memory in peace and fondness rather than the predicable outcome your mother and her drama will drag you into.

Di