Well said.. To me this is one way I think to tell a N too is they have nothing good to say about their, "vicims." When I was with ex h I was happy, I felt he was his real self with me, but it was like it could not maintain, he would Have to be mad, start fights, gaslight, silent treatment, then discard.
I remember when he would do this, getting mad at me, I would ask him to talk it out, if we could try to work through whatever issue/s .. he would not deny me access to him/ he enjoyed the hate/ the arguing.. I hated it, I would beg him to stop being mean to me.. it was just NUTS... CRAZY CRAZY STUFF! it was like he LOVED seeing me hurting.. the whole time was like this.. he'd be nice one or two days then bam/ he would be mad & wouldn't speak for hours, & it was about ridiculous things (a movie, something I would say & he did't like & I am nice person so it was not like I was mean to him.. but just my tone of voice or something then he would cut me off access to him/ rage & silent treatment.. I am SO GLAD to be away from that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!).
It is a game. I guess maybe this is what I need to keep hearing /reminding self. I did see if/feel it when he was with me, that it was like he did love me, but he would not allow the love to continue, often more than 1 day was insufficient before igniting some arguement.
I would tell him I loved him/try to give him hugs, ask him to please work things through with me ... never, it was like he was filled with hate/anger, possessed really.. he would block the love I was trying to show him.. this is how it went, always/ongoing with him.
Everytime things would calm down & we were getting into a routine then he would move out. He never allowed stabilization.
That is what was so different than others I have known. There have been a few at times I have been able to see upfront that they have this nature & I avoid them.. but it was like this side he would hide, then when with him/ all hell broke loose & yes it's a game.
Ariela, I can't imagine someone saying all men rape women.. I know it's good to be cautious to make sure & set boundaries when dating (or I would consider that healthy).. most men I have dated have been sweethearts.. it may not have worked out but that's why I waited to marry. It's just that I had no idea this person I was with didn't want to get along.
As to anger ongoing, I think the only anger I feel as to sustained is at ex h Psychopath. Others don't make me angry very easily. Sometimes I am hurt by something a person does, but it fades very quickly. This is the difference too with Psychopaths, they don't allow the love to flourish, the block it, they don't want it.. they say they do but when you love them/ then they set up road blocks.
It hasn't changed my basic nature/ I love people & badly want to heal from this (nightmare), but it will take me time. I've never had a problem with being an angry person.. maybe too nice sometimes that I need to not care as much/ but my anger is at him & how he kept coming back to me then leaving & he took no responsibility for the debt created in our marriage (which mostly was to set back up each time/ flights back & forth when he would send me away or postage to send my belongings across country/ etc etc.. it was expensive in re living/ & plans we had to get debt paid off.. all of it on my lap in the end).
What bothers me too A Lot is that this internet is one of my resources left, & I think he tries to track me at places & comes against me at times .. I'm not sure why because he hated me so much, why he would want anything to do with me ever again. He drives, I'm sure he's back with his ex (though he told me that he believed in the bible & from what he told me unless I cheated on him he would not be free to remarry / that or if I died).. so it seems to me that ALL he cares about is that his needs are met.
He would lie at the drop of a hat/ about me, to get what he wanted..
I did love thes man, I wanted it to work, I tried so hard, he would ruin & block AT EVERY TURN.
To me that has to be what hell is like. To be him, & hate ..... it seems like that is what he is attracted to? it will take a VERY long time for my life to mend. Can't relate to the anger other than at him.
When he left I tried to imagine about the worse case scenerio & it's pretty much been that...
I guess to I am not one to bandaid my life, I could be with another guy.. have had opportunities but I really want to heal & please God.
I guess it just blows my mind (totally) why he wanted anything to do with me ever.. his lies of other half/ a mission from God/till death do you part/ I will never be with another woman/ I would never leave you stuck with the debt/ I will protect you/ trust me/ LOL
next yr, things should be better..
I'm hitting bottom / there's only one way to go from here!
Why the hate?
It took me ages to find some kind of explanation. This one works for me. There might be others though.
We feel it very personally, partly because we have to deal with the effects of it all (emotional, physical, financial and so on).
But really, all that hate they feel is all about them. They feel deeply unworthy, hideous, monstrous. So they hide it with that super inflated, all powerful ego.
They also feel they have no real 'self'. So they hide that with the endless series of facades they show to people and the world.
All that is projected outwards, onto other people. Innocent people, bystanders almost, who end up getting caught up in all of that (because the psychopath draws them in, very deliberately and with great calculation).
It's not really about us, but it's all about them. And we end up covered in their bile and vomit.
Once I latched onto this train of thought, I felt really free of my dad. Hope you find some strength in that explanation.