I have been married to a psychopath for 20 years, involved with him since i was barely 17 years old, well over half my life. We have 6 children together. I have been away from him for 8 months. I have only just found this online support community, so specific to my situation. I have known always that something was wrong with him, but have JUST been able to say, he is a psychopath(i had considered this before, but i guess was in denial?) not fixable was too hard for me to bear. now that i am out, i can look more honestly at our relationship, at his patterns, and say unequivocally, YES, he is that sort of monster. And acknowledging that is so very painful for me, because i feel so stupid, i feel such a fool. half my life wasted. and my children? my God, what damage has been done to them, i am not even ready to face. i have left him so many times over the years, or he has left me, but always, i was duped into taking him back, even after 3 years of separation at one point! at this point, i want to become so grounded, so strong, so WISE, that i will never fall for it again. and i think maybe the best way to do that is to arm myself with knowledge, and begin the healing process.

My life is like a fuzzy memory, only bits and pieces of his abuse are clear, so much of it stuffed away, shelved in order to survive, to give my children the best i could give through the difficult times. and i feel like a shadow, a ghost to myself. who am i? i don't really know. i grew up with this man, how damaged am i? will i ever be whole? i don't know, and that scares me so much. at this point, i am really grieving all i have lost(of myself, the years), what could have been for me. how long will it take me to feel real, to feel sane? these are the questions that haunt me. i am not very present for my children right now, i know they need me, i am so numb these days, and my heart feels cold.

is there hope for me? will i come out the other side? can i salvage my life? is this self doubt all i have to look forward to? and will i ever sort out the memories? do i even want to????

Hi Bruised Orange, welcome to our community. In answer to your most pressing question, yes you can move forward, you have taken the first step in finding information and as you say acknowledgement.

I can assure you that you are not stupid nor a fool. The members here are very intelligent people who fell for the same type of situation, that is the power a Psychopath can have on a person. If I were to describe the most common profile of a victim is that they are kind caring people who want to believe the best. That is not the same as being stupid, it is a good trait, however that combined with a constant presence of a Psychopath in your life can lead a person to think that of themselves even though it isn't in fact true.

People can and have healed, I can't say it will be easy but it is possible. Many times writing about what went on will help to see how it all happened and in writing things can be very clear. Our community is very supportive and you are in the right place if you would like to begin your healing process.

I would like to suggest that when you think of the past be kind to yourself, you did not deserve or seek out this kind of pain. In healing yourself you can be in a better place to work with your children. Do they still have contact with him? What are their feelings about him? What were the first things that got you to thinking things weren't right? You need to get your strength so he doesn't return now that he has been gone for 8 months, you need time to heal and help your children.

When you are ready to tell your story we will be here to listen and help in anyway that we can. I hope you will find the answers to what you are seeking.

Di

Diane,
Thank you for the welcome, and kind words. As for contact with my children, not much. He did call a couple of weeks ago, which is the first time in about 6 months. It was our 11yo's birthday. i was shocked really, that he remembered, as he never did remember a birthday, and would always rely on me to let him know when birthdays were(although he never once went out and got a gift for any of the kids on his own). I found out later that our 19yo had contacted him, and suggested he call. It was a brief conversation, but set about all kinds of chain reactions, including the 11yo crying herself to sleep that night. She said she missed him so much. she said he was always good to her. a far cry from the relief we all felt when he first left. i know it is natural, and i know it is confusing for them. i don't know really how to handle it. my 19yo and 20yo went to visit him the next day. they said the visit went well. they have conflicted feelings about him as well. they do agree that their lives are better without him living in our home. my 17 year old can't stand him, never wants to see him again, and told me she doesn't think of him as her father. my 8 year old does not talk about him at all to me. my 6 year old says he misses him, and wants me to take him to see him, which i have not and will not do. so yes, there is some contact, but i do not encourage it at all. i have only recently read about NO CONTACT, which makes so much sense to me, and i intend to follow it.

i can't really say when i first started thinking things weren't right. well before i married him, but i ignored my feelings. so many years, and its just a train wreck. not long before i left him(threw him out) i came home one day, and found a handwriting workbook, that belonged to one of my daughters. he had supposedly been helping her. and i saw in his handwriting 'Happiness is a warm gun'. he had asked her to copy this! I felt so sick and scared inside. and i have no idea what sort of 'lecture' accompanied this handwriting lesson.

he calmly told me, around the same time, that he would bash my skull in with a hammer if he thought he could get away with it, but that i wasn't worth the jail time. also that he hoped wild dogs would drag my body down the street while the children watched. this he said in front of our young children.

always best foot forward in front of others, my friends, his coworkers, complete strangers. he could turn the charm on and off on a dime. the older kids and i talked recently about his 'salesman' voice, which always appeared when he spoke to others, or answered the phone.

recently, i have found out he has two other children, maybe there are more, from two different women, conceived during our marriage. one of these women i have spoken to. she tells me that he promised her the moon, told her he couldn't wait to get her pregnant, and then one day just disappeared from her life. i told her to consider herself lucky.

this could go on and on, and i will share more as i do believe that sharing this stuff will be healing for me. it is hard though. i have never talked about this stuff before.

i am so glad to have found this community.

I'm so, so sorry for all the pain that has brought you here.

My dad, he's the psychopath. I always thought I was an only child. Then I discovered a half brother, then a half sister (the result of my dad raping his own sister while he was still very, very young). Then more half siblings. I think he's been married 6 times in all. Divorced? Probably not. It's all very confusing. Every time some new piece of information surfaces I feel like I have to re-write my history.

Please don't feel stupid. You're not.

Starry,
Thanks for your response. I know what you mean. Through all the years, and all the lies, and i knew there were many, he always said, i will always be faithful to you, and i actually believed him! i never doubted that for a second. i wonder what else he has kept me in the dark about, i wonder how else i will need to rewrite my history. rework how i think about things. like a puzzle, fitting the pieces together. i am sure there is plenty that i will never know, and i don't need to or want to, really.

i hope my children can heal as well. i don't know how much to share with my grown children, it may all be too raw for them just yet. they may have to come to this on their own.

It's a weird feeling, isn't it? It's like you know all the answers already. The answers are sort of hovering in your half consciousness, in a sort of fog, but not connected to each other, or even to a train of thought. I think this is because people like these won't let you connect thoughts, or make a train of thought. It's all about severing with them. It's in their interests, after all, to render you as incapable of a train of thought as they can, so they can keep you in a state of suspended animation, if you like.

The more I found out about my dad, the less I was surprised in a way. It all fitted with the scraps of information I had. Most of all, it all fitted with the gut feelings I had had.

I got to a stage where I didn't need to dig any further, where I don't need to find out any more information. I mean, I know there is a lot more out there, but I know enough now. And it's become about me now, rather than him.

Yes! I don't feel like i need to dig, although a part of me is curious, i don't see it as doing me any good To dig.

about the severed thoughts: this really spoke to me. i have always been left feeling so confused after one of our "conversations" which amounted little more to him ranting, or lecturing. he would use metaphors that made absolutely no sense, and i would try to figure them out, or even ask him what he meant, and i never got a straight answer. after the verbal vomit, i would try to sort it out in private, and i would not be able to remember half of what he said. this is part of what i am trying to sort through now.

I think a person can review what happened in order to sort out the puzzle if it brings you back to who you really are and then can accept that none of it was the truth. By review, I agree if digging into every detail can harm you and keep you stuck in the past perhaps just some reflections to see the dynamics so you can discover the real you. Rediscover the good, honest kind person you are and treat yourself with kindness. Talk about how you feel and how growth will help you and at the same time your children will be able to see the real you by removing your conflicts by whatever form works for you. Sometimes digging helps some and others have their own approach, whatever will let you shine through.

Your children will notice the shift and hopefully follow your lead.

I guess the bottom line is to say what you feel and we can support whatever direction you take to recover yourself and provide the role model they need.


Di