My OT has been trying to get me to reconnect with myself, both physically and emotionally.

Now, let me say straight away that my place of survival and safety is all about disconnection from myself. I know what that place is all about, and although I may not like it, it's a neutral place and a place of safety.

Now, I get what my OT was trying to do and why. The question I'm left with is that I now find the world a very confusing place. I feel disappointed, hurt and let down by people the whole time. It's exhausting. I don't really like what I see very much.

I'm in the process of being made redundant from a job that I've done for many years, which I've loved, in which I thought I was valued and respected. But it seems that people are just out for themselves, and nobody has shown any concern for how I am, or how I am coping (very badly, as it is).

Is this sort of disillusion normal?

Hi Starry, what you are describing sounds like a very natural think to do when you have had so much suffering in your life.

When things go nutty around me, like someone getting ticked off for who knows what reason, I just go into my neutral position, no response, just keep going and nod or whatever but don't get sucked in. I think to learn to go into a neutral place is the safest place, not reverting to what you had to do in order to survive as a child.

In a work environment it is best to not get close to people in the sense that they know your business because it can be harmful if they spread gossip or jump to conclusions. So if they see you behave a certain way they don't jump to some conclusion that it has anything to do with what you might have told them in private. For example we can all be down at times but if people know you have issues with that you might just be innocently thinking or doing something else and they leap to the conclusion that something is wrong with you.

What used to bother me with this one person I knew if I told her how I was feeling about something painful was that the next time I saw her she would bring immediately bring up the subject and I felt like I was being interrogated about it, I had either moved on or didn't want to relive it. As we wander through life having just a couple close friends is better than a mob who really don't care when it comes down to it.

There is a wide gap between disconnecting and being neutral. I don't think you are delusional and am not sure why you would think that about yourself. You are a very kind, caring person who needs to decide who to let into your life and how to protect your boundaries.

I had my head bashed to the cement in a work environment and was left with the same feelings, but in the end that is just how others choose to see things. We don't have to accept their views but be mindful of our own. In that neutral space. I wish them no ill, I am just neutral.

Di

Someone explained to me once that there are two concentric circles. One is the emotional mind and one is the rational mind. Where they join in the middle is called the wise mind. It is really hard to get to that place, the wise mind where you have the emotions and yet can still think rationally about things. I think we all tend to occupy one of the two extremes, emotional or rational, depending on the circumstances. Another good phrase I learned is, "Stop! Step back!" In other words, stop, evaluate the situation, let your emotions cool off a bit, and then take action.

I think everybody is disillusioned with work at some point. You expect your employer to have clear guidelines for your job and if you do it well, you expect to be appreciated for your contributions. But that isn't always the case. Sometimes, no matter what you do, for financial reasons, as in the company is struggling to stay afloat, or personality issues, they simply don't like you or have their own political agenda in the company and you are standing in the way of that, you may either be bullied out of your position or directly fired. I have experienced the bullying, where, no matter what you do, no matter how hard you work, you are constantly criticized or people try to maneuver around you. That is way worse than being fired outright, because you continue to put your mental energy into doing things right and overcoming the problems. But it ends up a bit like being with a psychopath, no matter what you do, you are always seen as the problem. I think the most important thing is to know when to leave. And also, to realize that if they don't need or want you, it is THEIR loss. You have to respect yourself. There is another place where your talents can and will be valued and appreciated.

Hi, funny you should mention our two sides, I just received Cheri's latest book (What You Practice is What You Have) and here is what it says to find our center and be able to "hear" that inner voice:

In There is Nothing Wrong With You, (her other book) the primary practice tool is a recording of “reassurances”.

Reassurances are true statements made by one’s mentor, or center (you). The statements are meant to solidify the relationship between the human being (you) and the wise, compassionate awareness (the “centered you”) that is available to encourage and support us through life when we turn our attention to it.

In this book, the primary practice tool for learning to direct attention is another recording in which the mentor process expands. This recording may include your reassurances, but that is not the primary purpose. Here is how to take the next step:

In your own voice,
make a recording that reminds you
of everything you need to remember
so that you can make
the choices you know
you need to make,
from center,
to have the life you know
is possible for you.

You can get a small recorder for under $20 at Radio Shack or wherever. Wal-Mart has a nifty one for around 20 online. If you want a tiny hand held one they are more but this one looks fine.

Wal-Mart recorder

I noticed at Radio Shack they have one of those recording machines that records your calls when you pick up the phone, they were $20 years ago but now only $8, it in store only but if you do a search for: Phone Cassette Recorder - if anyone has someone calling them and getting crazy, ask me how to use it because I used one years ago and it was quite effective because I couldn't write as fast as they were going and stay focused so a police officer friend told me what to do.

Di

Wow, thank you for your replies. A lot to think about in them...




I guess what I was meaning was dissociating. I call that my neutral place, although it's not really a neutral place, it's a place of disappearance and absence.





This seems more like being assertive. I would like this to be my default neutral place.





I'm learning this. There have been a couple of occasions in the past years where I've thought about sharing with a couple of people, but something stopped me. And now I'm glad I didn't say anything, really very glad. I feel a lot safer not having shared.





Thank you. I really struggle with this. Recently I've started saying 'no' to people at work (in a non-confrontational way) and it's caused all sorts of temper tantrums. Truth is, I've given pretty much everything to this job for many years. I've gone way beyond the terms of my job description. Not to say I've not given that willingly, I have, I really have. But I just pulled back a bit over the past few months, and people have really rebelled against that. I think they came to expect an arm and a leg from me. I guess I feel disillusioned because I received no thanks at all for giving my arm and a leg, and even got hassle from some people for pulling back slightly. Lesson learned.

I like this. I shall try and keep this in mind.





We're all being made redundant...the place where I work is being closed. Sorry, I should have made that clearer.

I feel like I've been trying to cope with everyone else's emotional journey, as well as trying to deal with my own. It's been exhausting.

I'm very tuned in to 'the vibe'. It's my survival mechanism, to immediately get where everyone is at (and adjust my behaviour accordingly). I'm always on alert, and the emotional radar is always cranked up to the max. It's very finely tuned. My survival depends on it. If I get it wrong I might end up in a really dangerous situation. That's what I learnt from being with my dad.





Yes, I have been in similar situations. Also sexually harassed at work quite badly...very triggering.





The strange thing is I'm sure that the person who has made all the cuts, resulting in our department being closed, is a psychopath.





Yes, I agree. And now I feel it's time to leave. I've felt it for the past couple of weeks, and that's one of the things that's made me so ill.

Today is my last day. I will walk round the building one last time, hand back my keys and walk away. I know I'm not going to cry (already done that, a lot). And I will know that that is one chapter of my life finished.





My husband has been suggesting I use this opportunity to focus on myself: some rest and then work on my own business (I've also been self employed for many years, but it's taken a back burner to my main job).

I would also like to try and concentrate on getting fit, losing a little weight and learning to look after the house. I don't mean that in a sexist, housewife, way. Just taking some pride in our house and keeping on top of the housework.

How does all of that sound?

Di, I'll reply to your other post a bit later. Pretty tired now, and need to think about getting up to go to work.

Starry,
I hope you are enjoying your newfound freedom from your old workplace. It sounds like, because you were tuned into the vibes of others, that you were bearing not only the emotional toll on yourself, but also the emotions of others. As I worked with a naturopathic healer who released trapped emotions, he told me that we can trap the emotions of others, not only our own. For example, he told me that I had trapped my mother's emotion of grief at age 5. That was without me ever having said anything to him about the fact my mother had lost a loved one when I was young! It made sense that I had witnessed her grieving and probably a part of that was trapped somewhere in me, but it was also rather surprising. It also makes sense now to me why Dianne said that she shields herself from negativity, not allowing it in her home or even on a dog walk. The emotions of others are pretty powerful things and I guess that we have to be careful and guard ourselves against how much we let in.

I do think the energy levels of others affect us, like we begin to vibrate on whatever level they are vibrating on. That is probably how I got involved with a psychopath, I was at a low place, she sensed it, and took advantage of it. It does worry me now, too, because I know I am not vibrating at a good place. Like you, I am starting over, spending time rethinking career, and working on weight issues. Yet, with all of the extra time from not working, I am still so stuck in and traumatized with reliving the psychopathic experience, trying to figure it out, that I have more time to ruminate about it which isn't a good thing. Its like I am in this state of inertia, wanting to make positive changes for myself now that I have the time, yet being in such a negative place mentally. Fortunately, my friends have put up with me, but I know it takes an emotional toll on them as well and they just want me to be the happy person I once was. She just seems lost. I'm going back to counseling in a week, so perhaps that will help. All I want to ask the counselor is how I can remove these thoughts. Life would be so much easier if we could simply cut that chunk of brain out with thoughts of the psychopath, so that we could move happily on with our lives!

I think your plan sounds good. My only advice would be to guard yourself emotionally from the emotions of other former coworkers who may be searching for support now that they are without jobs. Simply tell them that you are busy working on your own business. And, with too much time on yourself, try to avoid getting stuck in the past. Continue to work toward your goals. Working, dealing with other office personalities and problems, can be hard. Not working, and having to deal with your own problems sometimes is even harder.

Good luck!

That's exactly it, exactly!

I must have come to the same realization while you were typing.

My survival mechanism was all about tuning into 'the vibe'. It became super sensitive, because it was a case of life and death. My dad told me he would kill me if I didn't behave, and showed me what he would use. All these years on, I still can't be in the room with the things he showed me....my knees just turn to jelly, completely.

Anyway, yes, I got it yesterday. Because of this, I feel like I soak up all the emotion others are giving out. And it ends up being magnified.

Obviously, this can have its advantages, but I've just been through a huge lesson in the negative aspects of it.

Thank you for helping me get to this point. Now that I know, I can start to take measures to change things

Di, thank you for your suggestion.

Unfortunately, things like recordings of my voice, video recordings and photographs are really triggering for me. They take me back to the moments when I had to split off from myself during the assaults.

I think my dad was aware of this, of my self defence mechanism, and would try and do anything he could to bring me back into the room, back into myself, back into the present moment and what to he was doing to me and to how it was making me feel. That was the real battleground between us.

I still don't understand how someone could be so cruel, so deliberately cruel.