Page 2 of 16 < 1 2 3 4 ... 15 16 >
Topic Options
#12131 - 10/30/11 12:53 PM Re: Depression and healing [Re: 1Healing]
1Healing Offline
member

Registered: 10/25/11
Posts: 87
Also, maybe if I can share this part with you all as I think you can relate to this.
When he first left I still had the good memories, as there were many because I was happy with him, it was he that was continually leaving/coming & going & seemingly at drop of hat be angry & leave. I guess it's like a void, because the longer he is gone the more I think about how horrible this all is. It's like all of the good doesn't matter because it did not matter to him, one bit.

I was very happy with him, I waited to marry & felt I had the one I was to be married to. But what is transpired now, all of the lies he told me, the promises unkept, this upheaval of my life, & that also I am vulnerable physically, to start over now at middle age is going to take yrs.

I do remember when he first left & my reading about narcissism & psychopathy. I know that I heard there are some that never recover. Too, when I saw my doctor probably 6 months after he had left, he looked at me above his glasses & I could tell he was concerned about what was ahead of me to have to deal with.

I guess it's almost like a shock value of, as grief/grieving there is that initial shock but now it's so real. How can a human be like this?

I spend a lot of time in prayer that I try to understand, not him, not to excuse what he did because there are no excuses. I don't care if he didn't want to be with me, but he could have made this decision early on, without helping to create debt he never intended to help pay on.
But he CHOSE to say these things, promises & apparent lies in the end. For what?
It's as if it was to hurt me & solely that. How can someone claim all of these things to spat on a person, leave them high & dry & laugh them away?

I meant nothing to this man & I guess that is what is hard to grasp. His words were empty. This whole thing was one sided that it only was meaningful to me. & now, I am even trying to make sense of that. It has amounted to.. debt, loss, struggle of which I could never have imagined.

Top
#12132 - 10/30/11 02:08 PM Re: Depression and healing [Re: 1Healing]
FreeBird Offline
member

Registered: 08/24/11
Posts: 230
1Healing, I am almost certain that Psychopaths get their kicks from hurting others. They just love to push others to their limits. I think they have fun watching people cry and hurt. Just like that.

Top
#12133 - 10/30/11 03:35 PM Re: Depression and healing [Re: FreeBird]
1Healing Offline
member

Registered: 10/25/11
Posts: 87
Definitely, I can tell many stories of his gaslighting & then him watching me pine for him to make up, to speak, the silent treatment he used was horrible, he would not ever allow us to get to an even keel.

He said at the last time he was with me, he had worked hard to, "keep it together," but then he couldn't do it anymore. Literally he would not try to get along.

YES, he enjoyed immensley, my hurting & especially if he did it. I am SURE he is THRIVING from what he did to me & how badly he did me. Probably he laughs about it a lot.

He will likely get mileage for a long time of the destruction he did, & in the name of JESUS is how he did it (claims of how we had this mission together & on & on & money spent, mine).



Originally Posted By: NewBird
1Healing, I am almost certain that Psychopaths get their kicks from hurting others. They just love to push others to their limits. I think they have fun watching people cry and hurt. Just like that.

Top
#12154 - 10/31/11 11:20 PM Re: Depression and healing [Re: FreeBird]
skybluepaint Offline
member

Registered: 02/05/11
Posts: 100
Newbird,
Nope, I haven't considered MJ. Not that I am against it per se, just that I already went through addictions to alcohol and nicotine, so don't want to add anything else to the mix. Fortunately, I've been sober for 5 months, but I still smoke, although am cutting back. I think probably the best 'addiction' right now to have would be exercise. That is the one I need the most, and it is also a mood booster.

Top
#12155 - 10/31/11 11:38 PM Re: Depression and healing [Re: 1Healing]
skybluepaint Offline
member

Registered: 02/05/11
Posts: 100
1Healing,

I feel your pain. I, too, am starting over at middle age and it is made all the more difficult by having been with the psychopath because they leave you in such a low place it is hard to get up from.

I agree it is hard to grasp that all those words were just words to them and meant nothing. All those seemingly happy moments suddenly feel one-sided. Six months after she'd left, she was looking at pictures of us, called me on the phone and asked, "Were we happy?" It hurts. It really, really hurts.

I think because their words are so carefully constructed, you actually believe them more than most people. They seem to be so upright, faithful. But, those words are just constructions to them. When I asked why she was still saying she couldn't wait to see me (when she had already started seeing someone else), she said, "Because I thought it was what you wanted to hear." It is unfathomable for most of us to even imagine saying something like that!

Psychopaths are such good chameleons that it really is like having a relationship with yourself, because they play the part you want them to for as long as they feel you are of use to them. And you fall in love with that image of this seemingly perfect person. That is hard to let go of.

You will heal. You will find a way to pick up the pieces of yourself and stitch them back together into an even better you. I have to believe that for myself, for all of us.

Top
#12156 - 11/01/11 06:08 AM Re: Depression and healing [Re: skybluepaint]
FreeBird Offline
member

Registered: 08/24/11
Posts: 230
"Because I thought it was what you wanted to hear."

OMG, flashback, flashback!
This is exactly what my Psychopath used to say!
And later on, when things fell apart and he was doing his "revenge" part on me - he would say it all the time just to make me feel guilty about it - like "you made me be so nice to you, you FORCED me to say this to you, I had to" and other blablabla like that.

This is really a mind-killer...


Healing is a terrible time... All you can really do is accept it. Accept all the pain, the grief and so on.
Good news is - if you don't give up hope - one day you will be reborn, a brand new person, and 10times happier than you'd ever been.

On one hand such an experience is really heartbreaking and life-breaking, but if you learn from it, gain from it, you grow much stronger and at the end you become this perfect version of yourself, that can enjoy life like never. I'd always been very optimistic, but what's happening now is almost unbelievable. I can enjoy life like never before.
Maybe just going through such a terrible hell on earth makes you value life more after surviving it.
The only thing is to never give up, never give in to the manipulation, and continue with what your heart tells you you should do.

Top
#12160 - 11/01/11 10:17 AM Re: Depression and healing [Re: skybluepaint]
1Healing Offline
member

Registered: 10/25/11
Posts: 87
Thank you skyblue. I do know healing is possible & I am still very at peace in my spirit, surprisingly. I have taken time to heal. I have been asked out by guys, 4 & a few more that were interested not bragging but only to say that I am not a desparate woman, nor was I before meeting this person. I am choosing as well to take the time to get myself together before becoming closely involved with opposite sex/ if I do. I don't have any interest in remarriage or even dating again. could see some closer friends once I get things together but still a ways off. For now I have a few women I can talk with, friends, who seem to know me & see my goodness. I can be authentic & that is helpful in healing.

I am at a stuck place & have made some calls in last few days here to possibly get more help. There are few services for disabled in this town that amount to anything. There are signs on doors but they don't have good follow through. The aged have wonderful services here, this town does have a multitude of resources, also for those 55 & older. I seem to be following through the cracks in each of the areas. I almost qualify for help! Too, I have enough income from when I worked to sustain me barely but not enough to pay for help/or qualify for assistance! So right now I am really stuck & having fallen so far down because of this with ex h it is very devastating. I know I can pick myself up, have done it before, there are not many options. BUT it takes time.

I told myself early on when he left that I was prepared mentally for whatever may arise. I knew that because of the magnitude of what occured in this that I could fall with no supports & worse case scenerio. I would say I am about at that place! I am smiling because what else is there? He could steal my spirit but wouldn't that be the goal? It seems to me..

I know trying to comprehend why he did what he did is pointless. The overwhelming anger does come in particular when I am dealing with the courts. This has been ongoing since he left & as I mentioned, he merely packed his belongings in teh course of a few hours, a few phone calls & he was gone,out of my life, leaving me thousands of dollars in debt & to deal with that & divorce, as a disabled middle aged woman without any intent to help! THAT is hard to swallow, still & it seems to reverberate in my mind/heart/soul. How could he?

If I had not been steady in my attempts before I met him & grounded in my own life I would question my sanity. But I feel that I was very clear in my dating attempts, I didn't get close quickly, I had a well rounded life & many acquaintances & some closer friends. I was at a point I was willing/wanting to marry & felt that I had met the man of who he claimed to be, my other half.. it all seemed wonderful & even then I kept him at a distance for nearly a yr until I felt I had a grasp of things & enough surity of his sincerity (was I ever wrong!).

From that point, he upheaveled my life continually. There were many moves when he was angry, he would pack my bags & send me away or leave.

What I come to in all of this, is that I do need to talk about it. I have so tippy toed around & I am homebound for most part, in particular during colder months & still trying to get the help/assistance I am needing to get regrounded. I would say at this point it is worse case scenerio.

Another thing that baffles me to no end is his idea that I am jealous/ or jealous of him. I, when I dated was not a jealous person. I had dated steady & the men I was with were very affectionate/loving souls. I did date a few jerks over the yrs., but even still I could say in all cases they had their goodness too & I talked readily about that. This though seems different to me, there is maliciousness & devastation that caused to my life which was completely uncalled for.

I am in a vulnerable class (disabled) & I would let him know how serious it was if he would move me & then leave me stranded. When he as leaving he would laugh & snicker as he would know how upset I was that he was doing this to me again. I used to beg him not to go. I realized after enough times it was pointless. I think I would ask him not to do this when he did later on but it was always in vain. His words how he would never leave or never upset our lives again were always empty.

It absolutely blows my mind how he could have said all he did to me & then wipe the slate clean & destroy me, in a very real sense, physically my previous existance. If he had paid on the debt the courts told him to pay, if he had done the work of the divorce, as to paper & the courts (I saw what amtd to 2 mths of what I paid on the debt in 1 & 1/2 yrs of my healing with this debt).. it was the reason listed by my attorney as to my bankruptcy as if he had paid on what he owed I would not have had to file. Attorney told me he still owes me that money & that it is considered my property.

I think he laughs at me all the time & would never have a nice word about me. That he would come into my life & over & over & spat me out as he did..

I also believe in God's Healing, but I would say it is my own healing I am most concerned with now. I am in survival mode & will be for some time to come. I still have God & His Protection but it is that my struggles which are real to me have increased greatly. I had many acquaintances & friends before, was living in a safe place of which I could function given my limitation, now I am dealing with divorce, bankruptcy & less services also due to a poor economy, my access to healing (resources) is very limited.

He has to destroy, what he had... his past is always wiped out, negated..

Top
#12161 - 11/01/11 10:27 AM Re: Depression and healing [Re: skybluepaint]
1Healing Offline
member

Registered: 10/25/11
Posts: 87
I agree that exercise is wonderful way to relieve stress. I am into healthy eating, exercise. I spend 1 -2 hrs a day exercising.. there are a lot of natural ways to help with healing.. something I have been into a long time. I met far more friends at a health club than at a bar (of which I did go in my late teens/early 20's)! A glass of wine or a beer does have health benefits but indulgence I would say I too stick w/ exercise & maybe downing a small glass of apple cider vinegar.. lol. Exercise, healthy foods, prayer.. all positive ways of working at healing. The social supports will take me longer to get atop of due to my limited access. So that is where my cross lies. The exh seems to move from town to town, person to person. Also, before I met this man & even during our time together I had involvements outside the home. The strain of what I am going through has caused at times gaps in my access out & the financial strains as well are burdensome. I trust in GOD. He'll Take Care of me as He Has & Does. Heck I think in all of this all we do have sometimes is our spirit, all else can be crushed by the magnitude of the losses.

I do feel for my family who are concerned for me & about me, my folks are elderly now, my siblings have very busy lives. But it's been hard on all of us, when one member of the family goes through so much it strains everyone. I have no idea what this man is/was as to his intent but it is far cry from what he said it would be & ended up.

Top
#12176 - 11/02/11 11:31 PM Re: Depression and healing [Re: skybluepaint]
blueheron Offline
member

Registered: 10/14/11
Posts: 84
Originally Posted By: skybluepaint
We need to ruminate, to figure it out, so that we can move on. So, I gave myself permission to do so. The problem with having had a relationship is that we may never figure it out, because they don't obey the laws of civilized society.


Skybluepaint, I think my husband and I are there with you. The ruminating has gone on for several months now, because we cannot figure out what on earth would make a relative behave in such a way. I am beginning to think there is no "why" except that our psychopath is greedy and they're just removing obstacles; right now that's us. That sure doesn't keep us from feeling absolutely sick about it, though.

I hope you will continue to do your due diligence and find some natural alternatives for your depression. I have also tried Prozac and a few other Rx things, but didn't care to feel that separated from the world. At the moment, an old tricyclic antidepressant is doing a decent job. Before that, St. John's Wort helped for quite a while, along with a few thousand mgs of fish oil. Those are the most economical natural helps; there's also SAMe, GABA, certain amino acids, etc. Note there are caveats for any remedy you consider. (I'm a natural healing bug and will always try that route first before giving in to pharmaceuticals. :-)

Wishing you well.
blue heron

Top
#12178 - 11/03/11 03:41 AM Re: Depression and healing [Re: blueheron]
1Healing Offline
member

Registered: 10/25/11
Posts: 87
One thing I try doing with those that are currently part of my life of which Psychopath is ex h so I am not in contact with him, but in re family members or friends when things come up/ or differences which occur on occassion. I try to detach. I may have a disagreement or vice versa that arises & I may ruminate or think about/ why did this happen & feel frustrated but I try so hard to detach from, the idea of, situation, person of which there were/are expectations of, to find a new way to think about it. I guess it's like the natural healing, lol, in a way, being creative to find solutions. Part of me at times wants to say, ok if only, "you," had done this & why did, you do that, mostly I say it inside (ruminating) but only for a bit.. I try hard when possible to detach & say, ok, they are doing this or that / or have decided to think about a situation as they do (if there is a disagreement of which on occassion, maybe a few times a yr, with family for instance, as happens when close.. (I realize marriage is a bit more complicated).. but I do find answers in my own world, & try so hard not to burden others or even with my thoughts or would be expectations of, because they have their own lives/ world, of which I do too, or should/ working on, ongoing...
I think my family tends to work in this manner where we are supportive of each other yet we also expect each person to have the boundaries & framework,soul, mind, body, of which to carry out in adult fashion, life.

Something that ex h did not seem to be able to do was allow for the anger, although he seemed easily angered at me regularly, anger in general, meaning a back & forth discussion of feelings, ideas, thoughts in an attempt that there would be a solution, did not exist.
It was merely, his anger, his unhappiness of which ruled.

This part is highly confusing to me, as an adult & human being, because I was raised that it's ok to have feelings, disagree & ultimately find solutions, come back together sharing that which one has in common & not in a preconcieved notion but genuine, love.

Before I met my now ex h who happens to be Psychopath, I really did not understand the gap, mindset, innerworkings of those with such differences to get along, work through in life. Maybe I was sheltered (by God) from this nightmare prior, I don't know. But it has removed a veil in a way, the highs & lows of the Psychopath, which are extreme.

I have family members of varying personalities as do most all of us with family of size & where one lives close to them... but this was an eye opener & my own physical fortress of which I worked hard to build on this earth, is more spiritual & I see the forces, good vs. evil, so clear. The armor is (God), daily, battle, which before I didn't see so clear.
Before Psychopath ex h, who wanted so badly to knock down that fortress (walls/shelter/everything as it was before), did just that, handsdown. I pick up my cross, put on The Armor of God, & fight. I wasn't aware I don't even think what the battle was, in a clear sense, but since my life is pretty much destroyed as it was before (literal) that is my calling. What else is there?
This whole experience, it's a good thing that the, "natural," healing methods are there & those that aren't (the other help that is offered & accepted when/as needed), because I think that the forces of this Psychopath manifest in life, to pull the energies from. The battle & in the world as it is, good vs. evil.

Top
Page 2 of 16 < 1 2 3 4 ... 15 16 >