And so the answer is, children learn to deal with it in the only way they know how, and that's to lessen pain by not having anything to hurt. I don't even know what to say (perhaps there is little to say), i'm trying to imagine what it would be like to be a child and to grow into an adult, as you have done, with a legacy of a toxic parent. But I just can't begin to have an idea of what kind of deep pain that would cause. I can only begin to scratch the surface of understanding when I think about how all the experiences in my childhood have carried through to my life now, and how difficult it is to accept and heal from some things. How sometimes it feels like a losing battle; that some things just can't be undone. How difficult it is sometimes to take small steps forward and decide the life you want to live without the legacy of negative experiences effecting your future behaviour and thoughts. I imagine this experience would be 70% amplified in a case of growing up with a toxic parent. We deserved to be loved and respected by our parents. A childhood without it, is like trying to build a house without the bricks. Only when we're old enough can we start rebuilding our own house. It's hard for everyone, but for those with toxic parents, there are more challenges and more pain to work through.

It is truly amazing that some children survive their childhoods, some of whom make great strides in their life. It is truly amazing that you survived and are here to talk about your experiences today.

~

I can try and empathise with why you would find it difficult to keep your door shut (I may be wrong, but i've had difficulties with emotional boundaries, not sure if you mean that, feel free to correct me). Does it change anything to see your soul room as a sacred space? as your own sacred space?

It's a beautiful metaphor too. As much as it seems a painful thing.

Hi all,

my first post so if I write something that has to be edited, I appologise in advance. my lightbulb moment was yesterday, quite a few hours after I had another row with Psychopath (my husband). he is away at the moment, so I feel a bit braver standing up to him on the end of a phone, I can relate to so many of your experiences, and I wonder why I had to spend nearly 20 years married to this person, and let him get away with so much, but his obsession with transvestites and hard core gay porn (or any porn) is just too much.( I should have left five years into our marriage after finding out he "kept" two of his girlfriends - that I know of, not knowing if he had made the right decision getting married - I know..... you couldn't make it up).

he's got numerous profiles on different transexuals/transgender/crossdresser dating sites as an admirer, from what I've learned recently he has been advertising in national newsapers ( I am monitoring his activity on the net and someone who made contact after seeing his profile on one of the sites recognised him). He is in conatct with a number of them sending them sexually explicit email (eye watering material), god only knows what they say on the phone to each other, and then they arrange meetings. he is everything to everyone always telling me that "you tell people what they want to hear".

When asked why he did it he said it was because as a professional ( he is a forensic, clinical psychologist and he also specialises in gender reassingnment) he has to find out as much as possible to make him understand more about their mental state and how best to help them. He is also a member of the APA( although is not practising in the USA). All his patients speak very highly of him, apparently he has been doing an oustanding job, feeds his giant and enormous ( is it ginormous?) ego.
the row mentioned above was about him telling me how he wants to try again, etc...right after making arrangements through email to spend the weekend with one of his crossdressing friends (restaurant and a concert or play, or just a drink ...you know the usual stuff)

the problem I have now is that he is due back home in the next week or so, we've got two children ( that he mentally abused on and off, more on than off but the kids are very forgiving), and he said to me on the phone he is going to find out who is been feeding me all this c**Psychopath information, and whoever it is he's going to make sure he/she pays for it). He is unpredictable ( aren't they all), I have not spoken to anyone, family or friends - the only friend I have is HIM, he's transfered all the money and properties we have in his name, rented a deposit box (bank) and left everything private and personal (including all my jewelry ) in there.

so I am not quite sure what to do, but finding out about this mental condition, helps me cope with the actual situation a lot better, as before I use to torment myself by asking why he is doing it ( I still do a bit... if I am honest)over and over again. I am numb with pain.

hope i didn't bore you to tears, thanks for reading.
em

not sure whether to press the post button or not, scared to death,but i'm sure diane will sort it out.

em-ma, thank you for posting and reaching out. It's incredibly brave of you to do so.

You ask 'I wonder why I had to spend nearly 20 years married to this person, and let him get away with so much...'. I'd say neither of those things were choices that were freely made by you. Psychopaths have the most incredible ability to pull you towards them and enmesh you in their lives. Before you know it you're trapped in a sticky web and the more you move (and maybe even struggle) the more enmeshed you end up getting.

starry! You put it perfectly! Those people have total control over our lives. I think it is IMPOSSIBLE to actually get out of such a relationship without the help of others. Maybe that's why Ps want to deprive us all of our friendships, they know it's the only way to control us. My Psychopath went almost crazy when, after another brake up - and getting back together - I told him - no more, set up the rules, started seeing people again... What he started doing when he saw he was losing control... that was a total brainwashing, and not even mine, his! He would change ALL of the stories, all the facts 180degrees... and make me believe its all true... sick bastard!

Yes, and depriving someone of outside contact (especially friends) makes it very easy to manipulate and control that person's reality. Without any outside perspective you can convince someone of anything at all, and you can make them do pretty much anything.

Other proven techniques include sleep deprivation and the deprivation of food and drink.

My dad was a master at these. He would deprive me of food and drink for days and days and days (the longest time I remember was 2 weeks without food). One woman was 70 pounds when she finally escaped from him.

I suspect a lot of psychopaths use these techniques. They're very, very, very effective.

Exactly!
And they are just perfect in using your subconsciousness - my Psychopath would just make comments about my friends (especially male friends, who I have a lot of), you could always see that he is pissed off when I talked about someone or went to see someone (and it made me feel this kind of emotion - like I knew inside that he was gonna remember that and do something bad to me "in return") - he would scream at me afterwards and make me feel like a slut (he never used the word though, but you know). He would then apologize. This was a nightmare. And you subconsciously feel that you can't deal with that, so you just do what is the easiest - get rid of situations like these - for me it was losing contact with these people (and he also made me believe they were bad people coz they did this or that - he was always saying sth like: "Look what X did! How could he do it! He is such a liar..." etc.).

I still can't understand how they make us believe all this... I guess you never control your subconsciousness that well to be able to spot what someone is doing to you. You just react. And when you don't know how to react anymore... that's where you get lost. That's where they win - pushing you over the edge.

thanks starry.

I would also add the fact the he was paranoid about me talking on the phone, he always had the impression that we were talking about him, although I use to say to him: sorry but even you are not that important that we have to talk about you all the time.

he would listen to my phone calls, to friends and family and not only, monitor what I was saying, and slowly without me realising he had pushed everyone away, and he's the only one left to talk to, to ask for advice and so on. on the other side when he answered his calls all i needed was a certain look and I would leave the room.

and one more thing he is such a flirt, in person, on the phone, in emails, he is wonderful, but I suppose i'm only stating the obvious.

em

Hi Em, Welcome to our community. We have to help you figure out a way to get your hands on the $ and get him out of you and your children's life.

Fitting career for him.



We cry for your pain, nothing you say would bore any of us here. How can we help you get your power and money to escape him? You will need a pit bull of an attorney to find his money trail and hopefully we can help advise you to be safe. Please do not tell him you are onto him or call him a Psychopath, act like everything is just great, don't let on that you are awake and know the truth. Start a journal and write down all his "dirty" laundry. I assume he is still living with you and your children? If so you need advise on how to cover up your trail for your online activities and can help you with that. Pretend you are the greatest actress on earth and do NOT confront anything or let him know what you know.

If you would like I think it would be a good idea to open a discussion thread so we can huddle with you to get you away from him and not end up flat broke in the process. Let me know and I'll open up one, if you have a specific title (threads with more specific titles will get you more focused attention) just let me know. I'll move you posts and comments to the new discussion thread.

Di

Thank you Dianne.


Today has been a better day than usual, it's most probably down to the fact that he's away and I only have to listen to his lies just a few times a day when he phones.
I don't want anything from him just the kids, my books and freedom, money is his God, it wouldn't be very wise to even go there. Besides he's in not very good health ( good enough though to do what he's doing, but long term he's going to need the money more than me ) although I am aware the children will have to be provided for, I hope he'll see sense and help the kids and if not I'll manage somehow, I just got to get out of this relationship, I feel I can do it one step at a time.

Thanks again for offering to huddle with me to get me away from him, and for listening and the advice given. Having googled psychopath and coming across this forum , reading some of the other members stories helped enormously in looking at the situation from a different angle, it's got a name, it's there I have to deal with it.

I'll probably pop back for some more advice, and keep you up to date with the progress i'm making.

emma