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#11829 - 09/19/11 10:22 AM Re: Could do with some help. [Re: starry]
Dianne E. Offline

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Registered: 11/15/02
Posts: 2788
Loc: United States
How are you doing Starry?

My thoughts are with you.

Imo the book doesn't get into coping strategies, victims are the unheard of part of the equation as in life.

Di

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#11835 - 09/19/11 02:51 PM Re: Could do with some help. [Re: starry]
FreeBird Offline
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Registered: 08/24/11
Posts: 230
It doesn't give you coping strategies, but for me the best coping strategy is to REMEMBER. I sometimes look at the quotations at the beginning of each chapter just to remind myself. Or read a part.
For me coping is comprehending that this cute, vulnerable, beautiful "people" were really monsters in disguise.

It just reminded me of Memento - the movie. It kinda feels like it. You'd need a hundred tattoos all over you to remind you of the truth.

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#11839 - 09/19/11 04:25 PM Re: Could do with some help. [Re: FreeBird]
starry Offline
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Registered: 01/06/11
Posts: 350
I had a difficult day today. I went to the funeral of someone who has been a great mentor to me.

It was awful, my husband is away working at the moment, so couldn't go with me. I went on my own. My legs almost buckled underneath me when I got to the church doors. I sat on my own, at the back, despite knowing several of the people there. I didn't speak to anyone, and hardly anyone noticed I was there.

I couldn't sing and could barely hold the order of service my hands were shaking so much.

I was so out of it, I couldn't go to the wake afterwards. So I went to a bar and had a couple of shots.

This is the sort of thing I need help with. I just can't deal with overwhelming emotion. Well, I deal with it by cutting myself off and deliberately dissociating. Being able to alter my mind state in this way stops me feeling overwhelmed and helps me feel in control. But apparently the methods I use to zone myself out aren't very positive, and the whole zoning out isn't a positive thing either (according to the doctor I saw a couple of days ago).

I called the number the doctor recommended, and am on the waiting list for help. They're going to help teach me 'positive coping methods for stress'.

I think I need to be working on this constantly, considering where I'm starting from. It's not enough to work on it for a bit and then let it slide.

I'm so drained by this whole rollercoaster.

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#11840 - 09/19/11 04:44 PM Re: Could do with some help. [Re: starry]
Monroe Offline
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Registered: 09/12/11
Posts: 40
Well, Starry, for whatever it is worth...just because your friends and supporters here on this forum communicate virtually, it does not mean that we're not real people who really care about you. Because we are, and do.
_________________________
Monroe

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#11844 - 09/20/11 01:14 AM Re: Could do with some help. [Re: Monroe]
starry Offline
member

Registered: 01/06/11
Posts: 350
Thank you Monroe. It's such a relief to be here and be able to talk to you guys, because you get it.

NewBird, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to ignore your post. It was late when I wrote mine and I was vey tired.

Unfortunately the problem for me is that I remember too much, all the time, and can't seem to move the information to somewhere a little bit further back in my mind so that I can get on with the rest of my life. I have hypervigilance as a result of PTSD.

The doctor suggested that the hypersensitivity to other people (who they are, their characters, motivations and personal characteristics, which is always writ super large, billboard size for me) is something that allowed me to survive my dad, but isn't useful to me any more, at this point in my life.

To be honest, I'd be a bit scared of letting this one go, as it's what keeps me safe as far as I'm concerned. But I can see how it limits and narrows my life (I'm on constant alert when I'm with other people, observing, evaluating, scanning for the tiniest hint of threat). And I can understand how draining it is on me (if I go out an evening with my husband, and we meet some friends of his, it will take me a couple of days to process the information about them and go through the rollercoaster of emotions that always seems to accompany this sort of thing).

I never thought this was an aspect of hypervigilance (and therefore of PTSD), but I can see that it is now. And I can see why I need to zone myself out so much of the time as well.

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#11848 - 09/20/11 09:18 AM Re: Could do with some help. [Re: starry]
daddysproblem Offline
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Registered: 06/23/11
Posts: 99
starry,

I often have the same problem. That's why I wrote the post about emotional breakdowns.

I'm somewhat new to the realization about my dad and my family. I am the only family member who understands the situation and has been able to detach (for the most part). And I think it is my (yours too) hyper-sensitivity that enabled my survival. I became so in-tuned to my surroundings so that I could 'navigate' around them. And now I am understanding the side effects of this. My world is colored by my past.

I have not done this yet, but I think that maybe meditation can help - or something similar. There is something called EMDR that really makes sense to me. Our poor brains have been trained to be this way. And everything I read tells me that they can also be retrained. Diane has mentioned this woman (can't recall) who also has a technique.

Check out documentaryheaven.com and the documentary 'stress, portrait of a killer'. It doesn't really give coping skills, but it is a great explanation for what has happened to us. It helped me.

It's horrible to be so sad sometimes that you feel like your going to crumble.. I know. I try to follow what my 'healthy' friends do. They take walks or for me sometimes I'll watch easy tv. You know, if you're in a situation (like the funeral) leave, if you have to. No harm no foul. You need to protect yourself. I know that that can possibly be a new concept (it is for me) but it is the answer. When it gets bad, make it about you. Press the easy button if you can.. You don't have to stay in a situation that squeezes the life out of you.

It seems when I am able to do this.. and politely excuse myself. Time and focus on the present helps me - to see that it's over.. and I have MY OWN LIFE now...

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#12497 - 12/29/11 04:16 PM Re: Could do with some help. [Re: daddysproblem]
FreeBird Offline
member

Registered: 08/24/11
Posts: 230
Tomorrow the nightmares continues...
I feel so bad I cannot yet still tell you my story. Once it's all over (if ever) I will, I promise.

I swear I can feel a cold blade running through my heart whenever this nightmare comes back. I finally get what everyone means by "just letting go". But I can't. At least not yet.
I am blessed to have the support, which brings out the last of the force I still have in me.

I cannot express but you guys mean the world at times like this. Not because you understand, or not judge or support, but because you tell the TRUTH.

Keep your hands crossed for me tomorrow. Wherever you are, whoever you are.

Thank you.


Edited by NewBird (12/29/11 04:16 PM)

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#12498 - 12/29/11 05:09 PM Re: Could do with some help. [Re: FreeBird]
starry Offline
member

Registered: 01/06/11
Posts: 350
All crossed for you.

When the time is right for you, it will happen. We will be there for you. Until then, we are here for you.

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#12507 - 01/04/12 04:20 PM Re: Could do with some help. [Re: starry]
FreeBird Offline
member

Registered: 08/24/11
Posts: 230
So I've seen my Psychopath again.
It is still so hard. I am glad I can see him now for what he truly is. I am no longer charmed by him. And oh my god! Does he look awful! I cannot believe I ever fell for him in the first place.
And the eyes, there really is nothing there. I'd always notice them, but back the I didn't know. I couldn't understand:/

I realized this sad thing that if you ever get in a fight with a Psychopath, you already lost. If you play by your rules, he will smash you. And to act like he does - Ive tried to be cold blooded but it just wont work. I cannot do this. I am unable to harm somebody...
I want so much to believe that this is right and it makes sense... But the world seems to have chosen to protect them, and not us... It is so sad.

And of course I've felt really sad ever since I saw him, had to listen to his lies, his accusations again and again... I try not to talk to him but it only makes him go harder on me... And I'm alone in this.

I haven't even cried this time. But I can feel all the sadness in my heart and how it;s getting me down. I cannot cry though. It's weird. Maybe its yet another phase, where I can finally slowly let go of all of this.
Weird thing is, I don't even know what Im sad about... If I knew I could deal with it.

I'm busy with stuff so I haven't even had a chance to slow down and think about, which is good and bad. Bad, because maybe this would help. All I can feel now is indifference towards him but a really strong sadness inside.

Maybe this post will help me. I hope so. I cannot waste more time on this, really.

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#12508 - 01/05/12 04:55 AM Re: Could do with some help. [Re: FreeBird]
starry Offline
member

Registered: 01/06/11
Posts: 350
Originally Posted By: NewBird
So I've seen my Psychopath again.
It is still so hard. I am glad I can see him now for what he truly is. I am no longer charmed by him. And oh my god! Does he look awful! I cannot believe I ever fell for him in the first place.
And the eyes, there really is nothing there. I'd always notice them, but back the I didn't know. I couldn't understand:/


This is such a significant moment for you! The spell is broken. And it's broken for ever now. You're free.


Originally Posted By: NewBird

I realized this sad thing that if you ever get in a fight with a Psychopath, you already lost. If you play by your rules, he will smash you. And to act like he does - Ive tried to be cold blooded but it just wont work. I cannot do this. I am unable to harm somebody...
I want so much to believe that this is right and it makes sense... But the world seems to have chosen to protect them, and not us... It is so sad.


You don't have to be cold blooded, you don't have to harm anyone, not even them. The most important thing is to be true to yourself. I know that it gets lost with people like them, so it's a case of finding who you are again, tapping into those things that made you you before you met them, and also of finding new qualities and of nurturing the qualities you would like to have.

What we have which is much stronger than them, is courage, hope, compassion, the desire to communicate and to make the world a better place. And these are infinitely stronger than what they peddle.

Originally Posted By: NewBird

And of course I've felt really sad ever since I saw him, had to listen to his lies, his accusations again and again... I try not to talk to him but it only makes him go harder on me... And I'm alone in this.


Yes, because they'll keep trying, again and again and again, raising the stakes every time, until they get some kind of reaction from you. That's the game they play. They'll use anything and anyone to get that reaction from you.

When my dad felt I was slipping away from him he went crazy on me (although he wasn't being crazy, he knew what he was doing). He tried everything he knew to get a reaction from me, but it was too late by then. And after I gave him none at all, he dropped me quicker than you could possibly imagine. It was like from one day to the next.

But you're not alone. We're all here for you.

Originally Posted By: NewBird

I haven't even cried this time. But I can feel all the sadness in my heart and how it;s getting me down. I cannot cry though. It's weird. Maybe its yet another phase, where I can finally slowly let go of all of this.
Weird thing is, I don't even know what Im sad about... If I knew I could deal with it.

I'm busy with stuff so I haven't even had a chance to slow down and think about, which is good and bad. Bad, because maybe this would help. All I can feel now is indifference towards him but a really strong sadness inside.

Maybe this post will help me. I hope so. I cannot waste more time on this, really.


I think you've moved into another phase of healing, I really do. You are indifferent to him, so the focus is back on you now (which is something that they are all about manipulating, the focus from you onto them). But you've gained control again, and the focus is back on you. You have given yourself the space and time to get in touch with another aspect of your feelings, which is grief. I guess what you are grieving for is the loss of many things: the loss of who you were, your beliefs and your expectations of the world.

With my grief also came the most tremendous feeling of compassion. Compassion for myself, for having struggled though and come out the other side, but compassion for other people too, even when they are being negative and destructive to me. Not to say that I tolerate that, because I don't now. If you're going to be negative and hurtful I'm keeping you on the very periphery of my life so what you say and do can't affect me. But that doesn't mean to say I don't feel compassion for what has brought you to this point of negativity.

I think beyond grief and compassion lies a tremendous joy and happiness.

So please keep going. I know how much of a difficult journey this is, but the rewards are incredible and very much worth it.

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