So I've seen my Psychopath again.
It is still so hard. I am glad I can see him now for what he truly is. I am no longer charmed by him. And oh my god! Does he look awful! I cannot believe I ever fell for him in the first place.
And the eyes, there really is nothing there. I'd always notice them, but back the I didn't know. I couldn't understand:/
This is such a significant moment for you! The spell is broken. And it's broken for ever now. You're free.
I realized this sad thing that if you ever get in a fight with a Psychopath, you already lost. If you play by your rules, he will smash you. And to act like he does - Ive tried to be cold blooded but it just wont work. I cannot do this. I am unable to harm somebody...
I want so much to believe that this is right and it makes sense... But the world seems to have chosen to protect them, and not us... It is so sad.
You don't have
to be cold blooded, you don't have
to harm anyone, not even them. The most important thing is to be true to yourself. I know that it gets lost with people like them, so it's a case of finding who you are again, tapping into those things that made you you before you met them, and also of finding new qualities and of nurturing the qualities you would like
What we have which is much stronger than them, is courage, hope, compassion, the desire to communicate and to make the world a better place. And these are infinitely stronger than what they peddle.
And of course I've felt really sad ever since I saw him, had to listen to his lies, his accusations again and again... I try not to talk to him but it only makes him go harder on me... And I'm alone in this.
Yes, because they'll keep trying, again and again and again, raising the stakes every time, until they get some kind of reaction from you. That's the game they play. They'll use anything and anyone to get that reaction from you.
When my dad felt I was slipping away from him he went crazy on me (although he wasn't being crazy, he knew what he was doing). He tried everything
he knew to get a reaction from me, but it was too late by then. And after I gave him none at all, he dropped me quicker than you could possibly imagine. It was like from one day to the next.
But you're not alone. We're all here for you.
I haven't even cried this time. But I can feel all the sadness in my heart and how it;s getting me down. I cannot cry though. It's weird. Maybe its yet another phase, where I can finally slowly let go of all of this.
Weird thing is, I don't even know what Im sad about... If I knew I could deal with it.
I'm busy with stuff so I haven't even had a chance to slow down and think about, which is good and bad. Bad, because maybe this would help. All I can feel now is indifference towards him but a really strong sadness inside.
Maybe this post will help me. I hope so. I cannot waste more time on this, really.
I think you've moved into another phase of healing, I really do. You are indifferent to him, so the focus is back on you now (which is something that they are all about manipulating, the focus from
them). But you've gained control again, and the focus is back on you. You have given yourself the space and time to get in touch with another aspect of your feelings, which is grief. I guess what you are grieving for is the loss of many things: the loss of who you were, your beliefs and your expectations of the world.
With my grief also came the most tremendous feeling of compassion. Compassion for myself, for having struggled though and come out the other side, but compassion for other people too, even when they are being negative and destructive to me. Not to say that I tolerate that, because I don't now. If you're going to be negative and hurtful I'm keeping you on the very periphery of my life so what you say and do can't affect me. But that doesn't mean to say I don't feel compassion for what has brought you to this point of negativity.
I think beyond grief and compassion lies a tremendous joy and happiness.
So please keep going. I know how much of a difficult journey this is, but the rewards are incredible and very much worth it.