Hi there!

I'm new to this forum. Reading stories of others helped me a lot in starting to understand what happened to me the last years. I also wanted to share my story and ask some advice on how to deal with the rather scary dad of my little baby boy...

Two years ago I met a man, fell in love, after half a year I broke up with him...and one month later found out to be pregnant. I tried for him to be involved with my baby son - it was the worst mistake of my life. He now sues me to get custody and unsupervised visiting rights. I am extremely worried, because I finally woke up from his brainwashing and realized what has been going on the last 2 years. A psychiatrist I spoke to called my ex "sadistic" and "psychopath"..and I am fully convinced he is, he fits all traits.

I was hoping someone here had this brilliant idea on how I can protect myself and my son...any advice is welcome:
*How do I get myself back on my feet asap? I'm exhausted, traumatized and terrified but need strength to protect us. Nobody seems to know how to help.
*How do I find out his real goals? Is my son just a means to control me, or primary victim as well? How do I know if he just likes to scare me, or really wants to f.e. kidnap or sexually abuse my son, or make me have an accident so he can have full custody?
*I'm not sure whether to wish for a good outcome of the court case, or to run and hide, or find some other way to deal with him??

Many bizar things have happened since I know him, always in a covert and calm way. He is a master at creating an atmosphere of fear. I strongly fear for my son. He pretends to love him but acts weird when alone with us, f.e.
*"Accidently" doing things wrong or hurting him with a mean grin towards me.
*Always wanted him naked in bed, "sexual" looks towards him, strange remarks.
*Threatened to kidnap my son, or i could have an accident so he gets sole custody. I'd better hand him over right away, for he'd get him anyway, he said.
*He wanted my son to become severely ill, so I would not manage and he could have more power. My son DID get ill (stomach) with him around all the time, and better when he was gone, but this could have been coincidence.
*He said he has many ways and people to keep track of what we're doing. Personal things (photos of son, diaries) are disappearing from my house.

I refused to let him visit my son anymore. My ex now is suing me for custody and unsupervised visiting, and has a huge chance of winning in court. I have people supporting me, also professionals, but no proof at all. Some little proof I had "disappeared". I found a lawyer, but someone drove into her with a car at night and left her unconscious on the streets, she's recovering (hope it was an accident). I called a second lawyer - my ex apparently found out and called her just one day before me. Now going for a third.

My ex is intelligent, has money, technical knowledge, a good job in an international organization and some "scary" friends there. The relationship with his family seems weird, he seems traumatized/abused himself. He has many girls he toys with and then dumps.. but with me he seems much more focused and revengeful and determined to break me.

I feel like I've ended up in some thriller movie, especially when writing it down like this, it all seems very surreal.

Anyone with good advices? Thanks!!!!

Welcome to the forum dear!
What you describe here is traumatizing... My heart goes to you and your little son.

Fighting a Psychopath. is a terrible thing. Especially that you used to have a relationship with this person.
It's really hard to even try and understand what goes on in a psychopathic mind. I don't think a normal person can ever comprehend it.

Being in the middle of a court case with my ex Psychopath. myself I can only assure you - you are doing the right thing! And don't worry that no one understands - they will in time. At least some. And Im sure you will find people who have had to do with Psychopaths themselves - they will be willing to help. At the end of it all - as dark as it may seem, much more people are loving and caring.

The important thing is to stay sane, and think calm. And this is hard to do.
ABSOLUTELY NO CONTACT! Anyone will tell you this. You have to understand that ANY kind of contact with a Psychopath. weakens you. You have to act like a b... towards him. It is hard and it sucks but there is no other way.

Think of him as of an animal - that wants to bite you. You wouldn't try to reason with it, would you? You wouldn't try to understand it's intentions, right? Same goes for Psychopaths. They are animals.


Knowing what he wants to do is almost impossible. He probably doesn't know himself (for a long run) - he just wants to "kick" you somehow.

As much as it hurts me to write this - even if he doesn't hurt your boy, he will definitely hurt his mind. Do everything you can to protect your son. Running away is not an option. You have to fight, it doesn't matter what happens, the important thing is to stand up and tell the truth.

It take time and it takes patience and in your case, it is extremely hard not to give up, but it eventually pays off.
I thought the case was lost, but it turned out in the most unexpected moment, that it isn't, and he will pay for what he did.

Describe everything you wrote here in court. Talk about psychopathy. Tell them how you fear for your son.
They will consider that. And sooner or later, your Psychopath. will make a mistake (they just do, like in my case). Just wait for it. From then on, it's easy.


I hope you will find this forum at least a little comforting if not helpful.

Dear NewBird,

Thanks for your kind response!!

You're right, it's hard sometimes to not give up. I have already quit all contact. I know he will hurt my child one way or another if he gets the chance. It just feels strange that the police and courts probably will not protect us, but instead will help him get more power to abuse my child. But I will do everything in my power to protect my baby boy.

So, thanks for your supporting words, they are welcome and appreciated. I am so happy in your case it turned around well for you, that's wonderful to hear!

Marinde, and NewBird

Isn't it more important to understand his history and any arrest, judgement, or constraining order, etc. information than to understand his goals? We all struggle trying to figure what our psychopaths' motivations are, it can drive you crazy and get you nowhere - but frustrated, exhausted. But for your purposes now, which I think is to ensure he does not win the custody and unsupervised visiting case, any past "dirt" you can dig up on him would be valuable to the judge. You don't need I private eye/detective, I don't think, but you will need to hire a specialist. I've seen these professionals referred to as criminal background check investigators. Google it.

I'm sure he will use whatever he has at his disposal to discredit you. Be a better chess player, to use Dianne's (I think) analogy. I would be surprised if he has managed to stay out of trouble all this time.

Hi marinde, welcome to our community.

Monroe, very true, I would be digging dirt until I dug a tunnel to China;) If there is an area where the child gets picked up, i.e. you entryway etc. I would have cameras that I could legally record what takes place, you might have the odds in your favor and he could snap and there you go you have it all on film. If he is coming by at odd times, get a camera to face your front porch so if you open the door it will record any interaction. I would take a part time job at McDonald's to pay for the cameras, nothing would stop me. You can get some pretty decent ones for under $50 with audio.

People think only pedophiles molest children not true, Psychopaths don't have to be a pedophile but will abuse their own children, just like someone too high on drugs or booze. Psychopaths are capable and will sexually abuse children. Once they get them (your children) isolated by starting sharing secrets to keep from you then you will no longer be able to get much information out of your child.

You need to become a private detective, take notes in a book that you keep records in. Make it a book so that the pages are all intact and don't skip lines. That way no one can say you went back and edited things, that is what inventors do. You can pick up those composition books at any store for under $1.

Get out the shovel and start digging is what I would advise as Monroe says, find the dirt and get it on record.

Di

Clearly this was a non socialized Psychopath father but the harm to the child is what is important to drive him to such an extreme.


Click here for story:
Psychopath Father drives son too far

What a story! It hits home for many of us. Can't say much until the story unfolds. It is heartbreaking.

Planetchildren

Hi Marinde:

I would check your local domestic violence and stalking laws. Immediately.

It's been a while since I've posted here...had quite a tough time.. but: thanks for your replies.

I also would like to share some happy news, which might give hope to others in similar cases: I have WON the first "battle round" in court - even without hard evidence.

My ex was asking for extensive visiting rights for our 1 year old son, including sleepovers. I was convinced I would lose, but his lack of self-knowledge turned against him!

In short: he stated that he was a great dad, everything went perfectly well and I suddenly turned hostile for no reason. I stated that I searched for ways to involve him but turned ill and dead scared by his behaviour towards me and my son. His lawyer only knew about him being perfect, so was suprised and did not have a real smooth answer. She started with "he's such a great person" but had to move down to "he realises the mum is the most important person in his son's life, he unwillingly had a negative influence, and is willing to accept psychological help and supervised visiting to rebuild trust".

And the judge even decided: NO visits for the next 5 months and extensive research first to see if he is allowed any visiting at all.

He might well turn things upsidedown again with smooth talking or revenge or scary tricks, but for now: at least 5 "safe" months for my son, some time to recover and become a stronger mum again, and a little bit of hope for the future!