Finished,

I read posts that I had never read before. In one you sounded disapointed that your brother was somewhat critical instead of being comforting and understanding. My sister criticized me and almost hysterically but by doing so she took me out of the world of P#1. With P2 she warned me and criticized me again but once again she did help me by doing so; sibling's critics morph sometimes both into safety blankets and into eyes openers. Since I suspected P2 was a P, she told me: "if you really thing he is one, forget it, you don't have my blessing." I don't know how your brother were but probably like mine, "move on kind of attitude." But that is OK, they wish us the best.

Finsihed I forgot this.

Remember we when through a lot to understand and sometimes I forget our brothers hasn't.

>>"move on kind of attitude."<<

hopeful,
I had a family member just today, say to me "to just let it go". This same family member has said that to me before. For the most part I just try not to discuss it with people that don't understand. I agree they just want the best for us. I have had people say to me "Oh just let it blow over, don't think another thing about it". Yeah, right!! LOL

Betterway

Betterway

>>I am so happy for you. I will be praying for you. Would the job take you out of the same city? Would you be doing the same type of work?<<

Thank you so much! I will still be working here and in the same line of work. It is such a wonderful job opportunity and another way for my sense of dignity to be restored.

You know Betterway, when I started updating my resume, I surprised myself as how much it helped my self esteem. I looked at some of the things I have accomplished over these past years (in spite of all I have been through with P#2) and I felt proud of myself. Even though I have been in such a fog and reeling and rocking from all I have been through, I have still managed to succeed in other areas of my life. And when I interviewed, I was so confident of my ability to do the job. . .honest. . .I surprised myself!!! Pleasantly for a change LOL.

In the past I have asked P#2 to use his influence to speak a word of recommendation on my behalf. This time, I didn't even TELL him about ANY of my plans. He knows I am looking for another job, but did not tell him about this particular one. Actually, Betterway, I have found out that he has sabotaged me more than once on some very good opportunities I have had. . .(didn't want to take ANY chances this time). One time,(okay more than once LOL) caught him in an out and out lie (surprise. . .) when I was getting ready to make a carreer change. It was pretty great how I handled it. Went to the person he had told me that said something negative in regard to what I was doing. Did it immediately. Found out the person didn't even KNOW what I was talking about. . .and. . .even wished me well in my new endeavor which did not materalize because he took it to a higher level and sabotaged it completely. Didn't find that part out till MUCH later.

>>He always knew where I was coming from, and supported me on everything. I could do no wrong. He took all my insecurities and threw them out the window. Built me up to knock me down later.<<<

Me too!!

I was like "Wonder Woman". . . until. . .he had hooked me and was done with me. And then. . .I was only good for what I could contribute to his bottomline or whatever he needed me for. And. . .I, zombied out, was there at his beck and call. Tramua bonded! to the max. . .the max!

>>Tried small talk, and he turned it around to say something mean, in a jokingly kinda way. Just another attack on my spirit.<<

These are the kind of things that help propell me and keep me in action to RUN. . .GET AWAY. . .and STAY AWAY. . .!!! I found myself after that mean comment feeling so dimished. Valueless. . .unimportant. A person that you could say anything to and it is okay. . .a buffoon. . .the person to have a good laugh at behind their back. I am coming to realize, I am better than that. Before, I was NUMB. He could say these things and I felt the pain but thought I was being to sensitive. Now I know, it is designed to kill my spirit.

We are not going to let them do that to us Betterway and all my friends here on the forum. We are worth more than that. We deserve to be treated with dignity and respect! We have been treated dispiciably but we are picking ourselves up! We are strong, smart and resiliant women! A gift, not to be treated like a worthless peice of trash. No more! No more! We have what it takes, I know we do. Look what we have been through and survived! It is amazing as I think of it and read the stories posted here. We are remarkable and we are making progress. Everyday! Somedays better, somedays worse but progress is being made. I see it here and I feel it in myself.

We are growing my dear forum friends. . .and healing!

Blessings!
finished

Hi Betrayed!!

>> Probably next time you see him he'll be nice as pie, to soften you up for the next time.<<

You're absolutely right!

Called me about an hour later. . .nice, nice, nice! Said we'll have to do lunch sometime next week (yeh. . uhhuh. . .right. . .). . .WRONG!!! But I just said, (sweetly) "yes that will be nice". I know it was just the "makeup" for his rudeness to absolve himself of whatever. I know he has no intention of following up on that. He had to know that was so unkind in front of his employees.

No matter. . .I'm moving on.

>>BUT usually I remember to throw it right back at them. Its so hard to have your guard up all the time.<<

You know Betrayed, that is a skill that I just never learned. Most people I deal with don't do this to me. I'm usually not even aware until afterward that I have been zinged. I am trying to be more aware these days though. Just so I can maintain my self respect in my own way.

>>Let's hope you get that new job, and you won't have to deal with this idiot ever again.<<

Love that Betrayed!!! LOL. . .my sentiments exactly.

>>Hi Finished. Welcome back!!! <<

Thanks (((Betrayed))). . .it is good to be back!
Finished

>>It depends on how much time they have invested with you and how much the target continues interaction with them. Plus how much their hidden agendas for you were frustrated. And some will just drop you immediately and move on to the next one.<<

P#2 is SO proud and arrogant. He would not lower himself to chase me. He stays in touch but distantly, inconsistently and somewhat impersonally but nonetheless continues to stay in touch. I am fortunate that way. Unfortunately, he does take up space in my head and my thoughts. I'm working on that though. When I find myself obsessing these days, I catch myself and say stop it! Then I turn my thoughts somewhere else. Sounds easy? It's not! It's work! One of these days Betrayed. . .he will be just a passing thought.

>>It depends on how much time they have invested with you and how much the target continues interaction with them. Plus how much their hidden agendas for you were frustrated. And some will just drop you immediately and move on to the next one.<<

Almost nine years now that I have been hooked on this P. But he would be WAY to proud to pursue me Betrayed. (Thank You God. . .)

finished

Oh Hopeful :-)

>>I have to remind myself, aloof, no response, disengage, detach. I should have that advice before. Probably we should open a discussion folder on immediate advices. <<

That is so good!!! I know for certain sure it always catches me by surprise. I'm usually not aware I've been "hit" until way after. Then I think. . .hey. . .I just got stabbed. I felt it but wasn't aware until later.

Thank you for your encouragement on my job pursuit. I'm also "hopeful" :-)

finished

Hopeful. . .

>> I don't know how your brother were but probably like mine, "move on kind of attitude." But that is
OK, they wish us the best.<<

Thank you for that. I have had lots of mixed feelings about my family since this had happened. I have discovered there are some family dynamics that I was not aware of that have been helpful to know. But Hopeful, I sure don't want to harbor bad feelings toward my brother.

I was in some counseling with DVIS on Wednesday and the counselor did help me untangle some stuff. She told me my brother was probably angry with me for being in that position. That it was about him and how this had affected him and caused him discomfort. There has been so many lessons for me in this P experience. The entire trauma had brought up more than just one issue. I feel like I am dealing with about four major areas. Sometimes overwhelming but fortunately I have alot of support with my groups and this forum right now. I feel so blessed that way. I don't know where I would be right now if I had not "accidently" stumbled across this forum shortly after all hell broke loose. Betrayed encouraged me to go to DVIS and where ever else I could go to get help. Somedays (like today) I feel fragile but mostly I feel strong and empowered because I'm working hard to learn and understand myself and what I have been dealling with.

It's the only way out for me! I appreciate your posts Hopeful. . .

finished

Betterway!

>>I have had people say to me "Oh just let it blow over, don't think another thing about it". Yeah, right!! LOL <<

Boy do you got that right! Don't we wish it were that easy. . .

After P moves into our psyche it's not that simple anymore. We are brainwashed, shocked, reeling, rocking. I felt like I was blindfolded and spun in every direction while others looked on and entertained themselves by watching me helplessly try to find my way out.

My brother really did not understand. I thought he did but he didn't. Just another thing I have had to accept. He did not recognize or acknowledge that I was a target (victim). He blamed me.

I am finding my "voice" these days. I haven't been able to say it yet but one day I will be able to tell him I am learning how not to ever be a "victim" again cause that's what I'm doing. It was equally as devestating to me as the assault by P#2 to hear his voice accuse me. I NEVER EVER felt more shame put on me than that night. I have had to work through alot (as we all have :-). . .)

I appreciated your comments on that. It helps so much to post our feelings. It helps make it clear in my own head and heart what I'm feeling.

Appreciatively
finished

>>He stays in touch but distantly, inconsistently and somewhat impersonally but nonetheless continues to stay in touch. I am fortunate that way. Unfortunately, he does take up space in my head and my thoughts.<<

ditto, finished. The P. is actually helping me to detach by staying somewhat in contact. Sounds silly uhh. But, I couldn't do it cold turkey, I tried. As I see and talk to the P. even less I feel like I'm not as confused. I am working so hard on breaking those emotional ties. The P. told me when I started working at home, that even if I didn't come back to the office, I needed to get away and get my head clear. He was right about that.

The P. calls me up and says, "whats going on, why don't you call me as much anymore". I say I'm just busy working and going Christmas shopping. Wouldn't he just be shocked if he really knew what I was doing. That I am learning about what he has done to me. I am getting stronger, and he will have no more control over me. That is my goal, has been my goal for a year. It is hard hard work. I do feel like I am getting further along then I have in the past with my goal.

I found my thoughts straying today, thinking well maybe he is just narsicistic and there is hope for him. As if I could somehow handle narsicism better than a P. I'm learning to talk myself out of those kinds of thoughts. I have to remind myself regularly of this last year. I was an absolute mess. Like you said in another post, you were at his beck and call. That's me. He treated me so badly, and I kept going back for more.

Somebody mentioned reading about trauma bonding. Does anybody know a good book I can read about it?

betterway