I can them 'dead fish eyes'.

Newbird,
Thank you for your thoughtful response. I am sorry it has taken me a week to respond. It isn't that I haven't been thinking about your words. In fact, I've been thinking about it a lot. Sometimes, it just gets too overwhelming to deal with. Maybe it is that I've moved into another stage of the grieving process. I spent many months in denial, fighting against it. Then, I sunk into hopelessness, dwelling on it, filled with woulda, shoulda, coulda.. regrets. I guess being with someone new, trying it out, gave me hope, but I didn't think that person was really right for me, so I just felt like I was using her to escape. And, you are probably right, that I needed that as part of the healing process. This week, I talked with my therapist and told her I thought I was depressed and that I would consider medication, but wasn't really fond of it. She phoned a doctor who she consults with, and, interestingly, without knowing anything about my case, he said that sometimes it is PTSD and that a person's adrenal glands are worn out. So, adrenal support may be just as effective as anti-depressants. This made utter sense to me. With a psychopath, it IS PTSD! I think the whole process of fighting to hold on to a sense of reality gets exhausting and may have just burnt me out. We all struggle to believe that what was real actually was real, that there was something genuine in the relationship with the psychopath. It is hard to accept that people aren't always who you think they are or that just because they say the right words, doesn't necessarily mean they have any meaning to them or hold the same meaning that they would have for us. Nothing prepares you for the reality of the psychopath. They are such good actors. Yet, in reality, they aren't actors at all. This is the most hurtful part of all. They really are focused on you, obsessed with you. But, like a child, once they find a new toy, they quickly abandon you for the next one. She even said those words to me, "You lost your hold on me." I never thought of love being something where one person had ahold of the other. It always seemed mutual, but the second she refocused her gaze on another, it quickly became mutual with him as well. Relationships with psychopaths move INCREDIBLY fast. They target you and move in and you don't even have time to think of what is happening. I read it once described as "psychophagic". They literally are feeding upon your energy, consuming you.

As I think of the naivity lost, I think of the story of the Velveteen Rabbit where a stuffed rabbit becomes real due to a boy's love. But then, the boy gets sick with scarlet fever and the rabbit is to be burned along with the other toys. The rabbit cries a real tear and a fairy turns it into a real rabbit permanently, saying, "Before you were only real for the boy, but now you can be real for everyone." I think I got so wrapped up in being real for the psychopath, being her "one and only", as she called me, I lost myself in that role. I was consumed with that image of being with her and couldn't imagine a real me outside of that role. So, now I am letting go of that, distancing myself from it, and trying to find the real me again, the one who used to wake up with joy in her heart. She isn't the same. A part of her soul has died. As you said, that pain may always stay with me, but it is possible to be happy again. Even if I now have seen and know a slice of life in others and in myself that I didn't want to see, that darkness, I think it is possible to find a happiness on the other side. Perhaps it will be a more informed happiness rather than the naive joy I had before. I am doing it, I am working on it. It is just a matter of continuing to find the energy to do so. Baby steps.

skybluepaint! I have and enormous respect for you for what you wrote here!
Remembering how I used to think of it all makes me feel ashamed! But then again, not only did I not have ANYONE who would understand, and was totally lost, I also had terrible people around me who wanted to use the situation.

Your attitude is great!


I still have moments of "doubt", even though it's been a long time now. And there is still a lawsuit in front of me. But do I miss the old me? Definitely not. I love my life now, more than ever (and I am a really life-loving person). I can see now how much damage the Psychopath did to my thinking, and seeing the world. I started living like him in some way. And it's a terrible life.

You are right about the part where you completely lose yourself in the relationship. They cut you off from your friends. The worst part is they don't do it by just saying "I don't want you to see him/her" - which would be easy to see as a manipulation. When I met with someone - the Psychopath sometimes wouldn't even need to say anything - from his look and his behavior I got the message to my subconsciousness "you will be punished for that". I can see it clearly now, and even though I got that feeling then - I couldn't really do anything... when I asked what's wrong he would deny it. But I knew in my gut that there was a lot wrong. And I just avoided this meetings (subconsiously I felt guilt). And soon, all my friends and family were gone from my life...

And when the Psychopath leaves, he doesn't just leave. He shakes your world to the very core. Then you are left with no life (coz you lived his/her life), unable to live, bleeding, broken, dead inside, totally lost... And the Psychopath. goes telling everyone how crazy and mean you are, what a victim he is...
This is unbearable.


I really have little strength left for telling people what a Psychopath is. They don't want to believe... Just like we once didn't.
I guess you have to go through this to understand it...

I have noticed that I have picked up some of those traits and it started when I was in the revenge stage, and started sleeping around. I realized really quick how awful that made me feel. But I have picked up the trick of using people and being a type of parasite - hard to keep in check.

Hi Jewels.. I think that's not uncommon..

I remember when I was about 30, I made this conscious decision when I had my come to Jesus moment...
to take care of me & not engage in unhealthy relationships ever again.. it's over 20 yrs post that time & I was very solid in that mindset when I met Psychopath.. I think oftentimes people do tend to do this/ what you are saying.. because people need people! I've found a lot of comfort in avoiding the easy route, it's harder at first & sometimes for yrs at a time when there is loss of any significance.. but working on myself to keep the boundaries, developing interests & keeping my compass in check (moral compass) it does help.
It's that time with self, solitude knowing that one is worthwhile, loved & loving / beginning & centering on (God) & self then outward...
It's the place of peace in self that is so important..
I love having solid same sex friendships of which I can depend on. I know they say a spouse is to be a best friend.. ideally that is so, & I loved my now ex h Psychopath.. BUT .. that was short lived, 5 yrs in total..
so fornow I am going back to my friends/ as supports.. & keeping the boundaries in ck minus ex h Psychopath!
Too, I am clear in my mind that he was never really a friend.. cause my friends would never ever pull the stunts he did, with his leaving & disconnecting for months at a time.. that was NO friend. ever.
Friends are there consistantly with boundaries & in love.. there is no perfect..
Life is about growth.. centering & loving, self & then outward.. I have found great peace in my faith.

I want to love at all times, as I feel that I need to do, in myself.. today I feel that even for Psychopath, because that is who I am..I think it's what he was attracted to in me & with me, that part of myself.

He is highly intelligent as many Psychopaths are, their IQ is high but the brain is only so big & if one part is over developed (ie the amydala for instance).. then there is another part that suffers & there are deficits & larger parts to the Psychopaths brains so they say or this is common & most assuredly I would say that is true with ex h Psychopath. I think he will be forever in search of love, the one, etc., even though I was that person for a bit in his mind but that was not good enough for him.. as there is no perfect.

My own self I feel that I love easily, not saying I am stupid but that I feel love for others.. & empathy which is what he struggles with..
well on with my day..

I don't think it's so much as it rubbing off, but your mind "going on a break" as a defense mechanism. You went through a huge shock, and it might have been bad enough that, in an attempt to protect you, your brain sort of numbed you so that you couldn't really feel anything anymore. When you go through a traumatic or extremely stressful situation, the emotional/empathetic parts of your brain kind of go on vacation.

I have major depression and, whenever it gets really severe, I suddenly detach and go numb. When this happens, I can barely feel any emotion unless it's very powerful - not even empathy, although I can still feel it for animals for some reason. This happened when I reported the psychopath to the police...I was hysterical for two days, but then I was overcome by numbness for weeks until it "healed."

The loss of emotion is very scary. I was scared that I had "become" a psychopath; people say I have a big heart, but when I detach, I couldn't care less about others. Thankfully, this is temporary and happens very rarely.

Right, it's not rubbing off Mion. Purely a human, maybe self-defensive reaction. Your words reminded me of a car accident I was in. And fully recovered from.

Sorry to hear about your bouts with depression, and thanks for joining the Forum.