Does anyone feel they have become a little more psychopathic since being involved with a psychopath, similar to how in fiction someone becomes a vampire after being bitten by a vampire?

I feel like I've picked up the words and speech patterns of the psychopath. Perhaps not the bizarre combination of words that made no sense, but the characteristic cold, callous biting direct, calculated speech. I also feel infected with her apathetic attitude. I have a general lack of nervousness or neurotic manifestations, am selfish, focused on my own needs, and don't feel as empathetic or concerned for others.

Some of these things are considered 'healthy'. I am more in touch with my feelings, but am not guided entirely by my emotions like I used to be. I can stop, step back, think and rationally make decisions. I choose when to give of myself. My therapist even called this wise and insightful. Prioritizing myself, trying to put myself back together again, especially after having been through that bad experience, isn't really being selfish, is it?

But some of the other things are probably not so healthy. Case in point.. After moving home, away from the psychopath, I met an old college acquaintance who quickly became interested in me. I wasn't really interested in her, but I figured maybe a few dates would help me get the psychopath off my mind. So, we dated for several weeks. She obviously wants more. I see her falling for me, but I could care less about her and yet continue in the game. I start to engage in some superficial, poorly integrated sex, but can't go through with it, not because I care about hurting her, but because I was never really attracted to her in the first place. And I cut it off rather coldly, callously. In fact, I just felt relieved to get out of it. In the end, she called me 'selfish'.

I know that she isn't the right one, and I did do the right thing by cutting it off before allowing her to get more emotionally involved. So, yes, I guess I do have a smidge of empathy. But I also know the reason I even bothered trying with her was to get a little ego boost, try something different, try to find some hope.

Yet I worry there is no hope, that maybe a part of me, that innocence, loving naively with all my heart as I did with the psychopath, has died. I doubt that I will love in that over-the-top frantic frenzied intensity ever again. As the therapist said, sometimes we confuse intensity for intimacy, and I think that is true, particularly in a relationship with a psychopath. What intimacy there was, was probably the trauma bond, her playing victim and me always helping. Maybe mature love is actually more cold, calculating. You have more of an idea what you want, and you look for that. But, since you have needs, you use people until the right one comes along. Maybe that is a sick, twisted psychopathic way to look at it.

I feel like the psychopath changed me for better and for worse.

skybluepaint, what you've described here is no different from what I felt after leaving.
It is natural, I guess. The crazy sick bond, the depressing feeling of loosing something you will never get again.

But as I look back on it - I realize few things:
1. The feeling of loosing the "love of your life" isn't as much it, as it is realizing that you are loosing some "innocence" - the ability to love in a naive way (and thats the best way!), to love truly without, as you mentioned your own needs. You know, instinctively, that it just doesn't work. You lose faith in humanity, you begin to question everyone around you...
Part of this is good, as you are literally clearing the air around you, you start to see who your true friends are. But this hurts like nothing else! You have to admit that the world is a f... up place, and people can be beasts. And you know that to deal with those beasts, you will need to act like them. So a part of you, the loving, naive, good part is dying. That's what hurts.

2. You need to be selfish now. And it sucks, coz people like us - we feel good only when we are strong and healthy and can GIVE to others. Or at least share our joy, and happiness, and love for life. Now you are in a deep hole, and you need help. You need exactly people like YOU and ME to help you. Unfortunately there aren't many. Most people turn their heads, and tell you to forget about it. This is sick. I think they are really weak. And such weak people can't help you. What you need is someone who will at least listen. Actually that's all they can do now, maybe some can understand, but listening is enough. And some people can't even do that... it's sad. And those are the people you used to help so much. It hurts too.

3. You have needs as you said, so you "use" others. In my case it was kinda true too. I did things I would't normally do. But looking back now I feel completely emotionally disconnected, and I do not feel remorse. That was what I needed to heal. I wasn't myself back then. I don't regret it, but I know I may have hurt some people with it, and it wasn't something I would do normally (I broke some rules of mine). But if it wasn't for it, I would never heal. And I wasn't able to think clearly back then.
I also felt bad back then. Although I didn't hurt people directly like in your case. But it's the same pattern.

4. Once you are past that phase, you come back to life again, I have literally never been happier than now. Even with all this pain, that will, Im sure, forever stay with me, I can still be happy. And I don't need anyone around me now. And I can see how my optimism, and joy are spreading around and how people love me for who I am. I am back to normal, even though I still have moments of memories of "that" time. I used to cry about it, but now, I just look back and see how wrong it was. How devastated I was.

It is important to stay true to yourself, and listen to yourself.

This lesson has also taught me how to live life - always look for happiness. If you wake up in the morning with a smile, even when you're alone, and can't wait to do what you're about to do - that's true happiness. If you don't - look for things and people who will make you feel that way. The pursue is never finished. You will change, life will. You need to constantly go on, and change is a part of life. Sometimes for good, sometimes for worse. But it pushed you forward. It makes you grow. The more you trip the better you know how to fall down.

There is no reason, not to listen to your heart and intuition. They actually truly know, what you want to become.

NewBird, I agree with everything you said.

Just like to add something small to that to maybe give another perspective to the poster. Since you were so overwhelmed in your relationship with the psychopath and had such very little control, perhaps you were looking for a relationship where you didn't feel even close to being overwhelmed and felt that you had all the control? Not for the reason of exploiting someone else, but for the reason of trying to right the balance of what was done to you?

And yes, I'm absolutely paranoid of 'having been infected'.

I have an uncanny ability to 'see' people straight away, see them stripped of all their defences and see into the core of their soul if you like. It absolutely terrifies me, as I'm pretty sure that this is how my dad operates. But in my case I needed to learn how to do it for self preservation, I needed to understand pretty quickly how much of a threat that person was going to be to me. I would never use it to gain an advantage over someone, or to hurt them.

I was discussing a mutual business acquaintance with someone I know, who I have become friends with (otherwise we wouldn't have had the conversation we had). I have only been in the same room as this mutual business acquaintance three times, and only talked to her (beyond saying hello) once.

This mutual business acquaintance has caused a lot of upset to a lot of people in the last few months. She's very passive aggressive, very bullying (including towards myself). There are a few things in what she's done which have been quite triggering to me, but really, compared to my dad, she's a bit scattergun in her approach. She's not really hitting out at any one person in particular, but more the world at large.

So I described what I thought motivated this mutual business acquaintance to my friend, in a completely stripped down way. My friend was a bit taken aback, in a 'how do you know that?' kind of way. But it seemed obvious to me. My friend then told me she thought I was very insightful, very in touch with 'core' and one of the most compassionate people she had ever met. I really cling to that last part, as it makes me different from my dad.

I am also sad about the loss of innocence. I am one of those people who obviously trusted too much (but that's what love is - you have to take risks), and am still appalled that these paper monsters (as I recently dubbed at least my N MIL, because they're fake/no substance and inhuman) actually exist. I've never come across people like this and feel really "worldly" that I've been forced to learn so much about it as it's so close to home. It is a nightmare for me, as I suppose it is for everyone.
I sort of say to myself though (probably because I'm too stupid to change, LOL) that I cannot be anything but what I am. I will NOT become one of them or like them, although it scares the bejeezus out of me that I am sometimes too harsh with my daughter. She's very little. But I am stressed and coping with a really stressful situation and unfortunately I do take it out on her sometimes. I have negative thoughts (of what happened to me or what I would say to him) and then she behaves badly and I over-react and she's bewildered. THAT really bothers me. So the effect of being with someone so negative has rub off in that sense, which really saddens me and makes me feel bitter too.
But I have gone more in the other direction and actually started going to church nearly every Sunday, I read my daughter a kid's bible so she knows the stories and gets to know Jesus (and thus, LOVE), do things to help people more... my husband said I had a big heart, and he did everything to make it small and black, like the Grinch! I want to make sure it stays big, if not bigger. I will not, or try not to let what happened to me or us (me and DD) affect how I am with people, although I guess I will be more guarded and alert.
Speaking of alert, STARRY, could you, or do you know anyone on here that could tell a psychopath from a photo? My husband said he could tell "an alcoholic" by looking at his eyes and I wonder now if he meant someone... different. Anyway I have a couple of pictures that really bother me. I wonder if the eyes are devoid of emotion. Maybe you have to know the person. But they just seem kind of creepy to me. Obviously I can't post them, but privately...

Akeso, I dont think it was that much a TRUST, as a simple "he cannot be SUCH a monster" thinking - which is normal with Psychopaths. No human can imagine how Psychopaths think and operate, just as a Psychopath cannot understand a human.

After what my Psychopath did to me, I actually believed for a while that I am the one who is crazy and he is the good guy, and everyone around are LIKE him, and that I have too big a heart, you might say... This is what they do to people...


As for the eyes - they're glassy, emotionless. Quite easy to recognize. Snake's eyes, I would call them.

Yes I've seen those glazed eyes on one occasion but I was wondering about the "all-the-time" eyes. Psychopaths I read can spot each other quite easily. Obviously I'm not that good at reading the eyes since I married the guy!

Nobody's good at recognizing a Psychopath.
Sometimes it takes months to see the red flags. It's coz they play such perfect human beings... the exact opposite of what they are.
I am getting paranoid coz I see Psychopaths everywhere, everyone I meet who is really nice - I consider she/he might be a Psychopath.

The stare is very characteristic. But it's not the only thing. The behavior tells everything. The problem is, you need to see it from the outside, and thats not happening in the relationship.

But watching the persons behavior towards other people is very helpful. I could see my Psychopath behave totally different with others and with me.
If only I'd known then...:/

I know what you mean. I was cautious before psychopath but now I am ultra cautious when it comes to letting people close.

YES, that one!
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