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#12068 - 10/22/11 04:39 PM When a parent is a Psychopath
Dianne E. Offline

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Registered: 11/15/02
Posts: 2788
Loc: United States
What happens to the children? Children raised by Psychopaths have few if any happy memories of being raised by one. I can only imagine in a lifetime how many Psychopaths have multiple affairs, children get into the mix. Who is the voice for those children that we as a community have shared stories due to concern for their welfare? No one deserves to be raised by a Psychopath, the children are victims also.

Hopefully this will be a place to exchange tips and ways to ensure the rights of the children. If you were in a relationship with a Psychopath or have children in your immediate family being raised by someone you can identify as a Psychopath, children are at great risk.

How do you work within the system to help get the children away from a known Psychopath?

When the split happens the children are often stretched in all directions. Children have the right to a happy and healthy home.

What can we do to get them out of the custody of a Psychopathic parent? We can only see a bleak future if we don't all start this conversation and perhaps by sharing something that has worked or not worked can be shared to take a stand and fight for the rights of the children.


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#12074 - 10/23/11 03:00 PM Re: When a parent is a Psychopath [Re: Dianne E.]
Akeso Offline
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Registered: 07/22/11
Posts: 26
I can only pray my estranged H isn't one. I sometimes wonder in the time he has her on weekends if he's teaching her bad habits, like how to manipulate and defy me! Maybe it's just ingrained in her already and is just the age, but I'll never know. A psychotherapist told me my FIL was a sadist, based on what I told her. H also has sadistic traits. I now have an eagle-eye on my daughter and push her to be emotional, as I read that the mental health part is passed on from the father. I am extremely emotional and she is much less than me. I encourage her to sleep with teddy (she does now) and other "feeling" things but again, children are selfish till about age 6 or 7 I think. I hope that the times he has her he is remembering how I was with her and is being a good father, rather than his terrible role models, and I think she would tell me if he weren't. I've told her she's too little for "big secrets" which are only for adults. She's happy to go and see him but has said to me "I don't like going to daddy's. Don't tell him that though." Who knows, she could be manipulating me though!
I have also told her that if anyone (he or MIL for instance, who has NPD in my opinion) tries to say something isn't so when it is, to call them on it. For instance she had a cold and they both said she didn't. So I right away said to her that she knew she had one, right? I mean I reinforce things to make sure she stays firmly in Kansas, so to speak.

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#12075 - 10/23/11 03:05 PM Re: When a parent is a Psychopath [Re: Akeso]
Akeso Offline
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Registered: 07/22/11
Posts: 26
What I meant there was I don't want her to start doubting herself, what she sees, hears, feels, etc. She's very self-assured at the moment.
Also regarding her aggression, it's been nearly a daily battle. Like we are at war. Just like it was with her father. He treated me like the enemy and my armor went up almost as soon as he came home. It's exhausting and very disheartening as she is so unlikeable when she's like that. I fear it'll turn into that defiant disorder (she is extremely defiant) but again, hope it's just the young age and I also counter it by being very loving and talking to her, reading bedtime stories, etc.

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#12084 - 10/25/11 12:01 PM Re: When a parent is a Psychopath [Re: Akeso]
Dianne E. Offline

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Registered: 11/15/02
Posts: 2788
Loc: United States
Hi Akeso, please forgive my lack of response earlier. I have had some issues so will be back later to answer you.

Di

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#12085 - 10/25/11 01:41 PM Re: When a parent is a Psychopath [Re: Dianne E.]
Akeso Offline
member

Registered: 07/22/11
Posts: 26
Di hon take your time, sorry you are having issues, I am STILL WAITING for answers 3 months after my bombshell. Of course I will let you know as soon as I do, but at the moment things seem to be okay, at least in that department.

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#12205 - 11/05/11 05:33 AM Re: When a parent is a Psychopath [Re: Akeso]
Joanna Offline
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Registered: 11/04/11
Posts: 2
Hi Akeso. I empathise with you. I am in the same situation with my granddaughter. I am so worried that she will be scarred for life. I don't think you can MAKE a psychopath, apparently it is actually a malfunction in the brain. My granddaughter asked me when she was about 5 "Am I like my mom"? When I told her "no" she said "good". But I worry she can be damaged. What can we do to make people, particularly courts and doctors, more aware?
Keep on fighting the good fight Akeso.

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#12207 - 11/05/11 03:06 PM Re: When a parent is a Psychopath [Re: Joanna]
Akeso Offline
member

Registered: 07/22/11
Posts: 26
Hi Joanne, thank you for your kind words. I've read and been told that the kids figure it out themselves, they don't need the healthy parent to bad mouth the unhealthy one, and in fact that can even push them to defend the unhealthy one. I'm afraid of trauma bonding also. As you know, these types are very charming and magnetic personalities, fun to be around (if you're not the scapegoat), etc. My girl feels safe with me. As long as your granddaughter has a safe haven (you), hopefully she'll be okay. As for courts and lawyers, I'm facing the same situation, it's luck I think when it comes to lawyers, to find one that understands. But courts are another story, at least where I am. All the best to you too.

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#12482 - 12/23/11 09:17 PM Re: When a parent is a Psychopath [Re: Dianne E.]
supermomx3 Offline
member

Registered: 12/22/11
Posts: 1
Loc: B.C. Canada
Hi,

I am new to this site, just found it a couple of days ago. I am so thankful that I found it and can maybe get some help and advice.

My daughter is now 4, her father is one of those.......

She started having visitations with him when she was 15 months old after a lengthy court battle. It was hard as I am sure you all know.

As she has aged her behavior has gotten to be what I like to call "expressive" that is I can always tell when she has had a good weekend with him by her behavior towards myself, her siblings and her step dad when she comes home.

She started to have some behavioral issues as well as some on going health issues, so a visit to the pediatrician warranted a call from the Dr. to social services. That of course panned out to nothing, a whole lot of wasted time and effort on my part as well as theirs because he was sweet and charming and talked his way out of.

I have a great relationship with his mother and step father, they don't talk to him and have a restraining order against him at the moment.

My question to all the parents out there who have children with a psychopath, is how do you comfort your child and explain things to them at a level they can understand when they come home after having a bad weekend, which was full of lies and "brainwashing" and manipulating, and if there is anyone out there who has older children who have gone through this did your child eventually tell the other parent to Psychopath-OFF? I am hoping against hope that as my daughter gets older and realizes more things on her own that she will do this with her father and tell him to take a hike, but I am also very afraid that by the time she is old enough to do this she will have had so much time being brainwashed by him that she may decided to leave us ( her family) and go with him.

Any thoughts or input anyone has would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you.

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#12483 - 12/24/11 12:29 AM Re: When a parent is a Psychopath [Re: supermomx3]
planetchildren Offline
member

Registered: 08/10/11
Posts: 46
Oh, I really hate to hear that for your daughter. I have a teenage grandson that is being raised by a Psychopath mother. The manipulation is so confusing for the children. He has been lied to since he was a baby. I just wait for the day for him to admit the truth to himself.

Just keep the lines of communication open without badmouthing her dad. Allow her to express herself to you. The psychopath is good at getting children to keep quiet about things. They want to be the most important person in the child's life. They want the child to depend only on them and adore them for all they will do for that child. They want to be a hero to the child. They will even make the other parent appear to be doing harm to the Psychopath.

This may not be realistic, but I believe the only real way to protect the children is to get them far away from the psychopathic parent. I don't think think a psychopath will ever have the child's best interest in mind. I don't think they are capable of loving even their own children.

The only thing I can tell you is not to feel guilty about keeping her away from the psychopath. It is in her own best interest. That is the best thing you can do for her.

1. Keep her talking. Don't let her shut down.
2. Keep her away as much as possible.
3. Don't try to play his games.
4. Let her know how much you love her often.
5. Let her know that she can trust you always.

These are things you will need to enforce more than in a normal situation.

And no, my grandson does not see his mother in a bad light. He defends her to the end. He has even cut off visitation with my family and his dad.


Good luck!!!

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#12505 - 01/03/12 05:35 PM Re: When a parent is a Psychopath [Re: planetchildren]
marinde Offline
member

Registered: 09/19/11
Posts: 58
Hi,

I am sad to read about your situations..I wish you and your (grand)children a lot of strength and love. Planetchildren I am sad to hear that you have lost contact with your grandson. I wish when he grows up to be an adult, he finds a way to free himself from her. Supermom, I really hope your daughter will see through him one day and tell him OFF.

I am sorry, I am still in an "earlier stage" so don't have much of an advice for you. For now, I've managed to keep my son away from my ex for some more months, which I am really happy and grateful about. He is just 1 year old. But it's temporarily, I fear the day that they will do research and my ex will present to them as the most perfect dad they've ever seen and grant him visitation rights.

When I read your stories, I admire the strength you have in dealing with this. I was wondering.. do you succeed in being a good parent yourself in a situation like this? How? If I can't keep my ex away, I at least want to offer my son the most loving situation in my own home. But I feel that I am often so incredibly scared, already now, that I can't be the mum I wish to be for my son. And I can see he picks up that I'm tense. Let alone if I have to send him to his creepy father every week or so. I really do admire you for coping with this in such a good way.

And I, too, am interested in how to talk with your small child about this and how to prevent them from shutting down...I will have a chat about this with a woman who managed to free her daughter from her ex. Will let you know if she has some good advice.

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