Hi,
I wonder if any of you could give me some advice? I registered here a few months ago and had a thread about 'Psychopath Stepfather'. Talking to people was really helpful. Now I am once again fighting in what has been a 7 year battle with my step-father psychopath over a legal issue, and I really need some help/support/advice.

Briefly it's about something he wants me to sell him (a 'gift' from him, a share in a house) at a very low price, and not only does he want it from me at a bargain, he wants to rip me off and leave me in debt (too long to go into). I have been fighting this with the help of some family members, (including a lawyer who deals with psychopaths, who has been my greatest support) but my brother is firmly on his father (the Psychopaths) side.

The reason I continued fighting was
1) to prove a point - you have bullied me all my life, and you will no longer do so
2) no-one else in my family managed it, I was fighting for them as well, for all of us who he has screwed over and hurt
3) anger I suppose! I have serious anger issues with him and what he has done to my family and continues to do.
4) legally, that share is worth far more than he is trying to buy it for. He is trying to bully me into handing it over, and it's mine.

In the end (and on good advice from legal professionals) I have withdrawn my offer and he, of course, has gone into head-spinning feather-spitting rage mode. Sadly, this affects all of us. My brother and I are having problems now, he is going out with a close friend of mine (I introduced them) and now she is starting to believe the Psychopath and my brother (who parrots everything his father says, and has a capacity for denial that makes your eyes water). ) I am now subjected to a torrent of emails threatening to take me to court (which I ignore) and now angry and manipulative emails from my brother trying to get me to cave in. I have been advised to ignore, ignore, ignore. It seems to be driving him (the Psychopath) mental, but I feel we will never get anywhere. He will never stop, he really wants this share of the house back, and he will continue to use my brother against me, and now my friends, also threats of court, legal action and so on. And just the threat of Psychopathic rage for an indefinite period of time is enough to get anybody down!

So.... any advice, please?

- How do I deal with my brother, who I know is a victim, but shows some traits similar to his father? Do I back off from him as well? Do I have to sacrifice my relationship with him as well?
- How do I deal with my step father? Continue to ignore him?
- how do I deal with my friend? I have been very cold and distant since she made it fairly clear she has changed her opinion of me and is starting to believe the web of lies from my father and brother. Is there any point discussing it with her when she already sees me as the mad one?
- is there any point fighting a psychopath? I want to walk away but it's not so easy with this legal situation and family ties.

Thanks
C

hello cjp1,

welcome back. i had been following your posts and had wonder where you went off too. my story is pretty close to yours only it's my real dad and my mother (now with alzheimers) was completely his partner.. now dad and brother (similar to your brother) have suddenly put my mom in a home and left us (son and i) out of it completely - actually not allowing us any contact with the place. ==== this is just some background.

so, what to do? i hope to see more posts on this. this new turn of events.. his placing my mom in a home is another 'message' that 'wow' he has NO feelings except his own. He's not even an animal - he's a machine. And my brother has now taking over (seemlessly) my mothers old position - the complete partner. I've been so slowly accepting this. I guess I can do it in my brain but now my emotional core needs to catch up.

With these 'facts' what can I / you do? I really don't think anything.

Think how long it took for you to discover 'him'? And he was your father.. who really disappointed you. So will strangers ever 'see' him? It's doubtful. My dad is so skilled and slick at interpersonal relationships. Everyone loves him. (most everyone). He is in touch with the whole world from his grammar school to his new waitress. Knows everything about them. He doesn't 'care' but they don't know that. They think he does. And that's all that matters.

So - i don't think you'll ever be able to convince anyone of his defect.

Additionally, they can't be swayed. First off, my take on you is that you 'see' him and 'he' knows it. Once they know you know.. you're like a piece of glass in their skin. I always say, I couldn't coax him out of a burning building.

with that said.. my personal advise - for you.. for me... is to walk away and cut off communication to the best of your ability. if you can't do that.. at least don't try to negotiate. Letting go is the only true path to success and freedom.

my father is calling to give me updates on my moms status.. i'm nauseous from this - she was just an object for him that has lost it's value. he and my brother are now going through her things. what to do with what. and the scarry thing is (if it's true and they aren't lying) she's happy there. making friends (she never had her own life - for the last maybe 45 years.. did nothing without him.. with anyone else. not even her kids ). i'm still trying to figure out why i'm so disturbed.

the point is.. other people have NO value to a Psychopath except for their own ends. That's all. Think about it.. my Psychopath can look at his wife of 67 years through a window almost as if he's looking at a stranger. I'm so glad I'm not seeing this first hand.. but the truth is .. it keeps playing out it keeps playing out in my head.. my post should be the warning post of what happens if you stay a Psychopath.

Psychopaths and rage go hand in hand. Think about the extra rage of dealing with a Psychopath over a legal matter. Rage, they know all about it and thrive on projecting it on others so the first thing to consider is are you willing to go directly in front of their rage machine and pursue legal action even if you are "right".

I must say your question sent me back into the darkest part of my life and that was a corporate Psychopath within a major corporation, that I contracted with as a marketing consultant. The civil case is what area I would suspect any real estate wranglings would take place, we all know a Psychopath being Psychopaths will be lying and causing criminal actions but that will all be left out of the equation and, if the system worked like a breeze which I can assure you from personal experience it doesn't. I can't imagine what I went through having a clear cut civil case over the theft of my designs for a highly successful marketing program would have been extra crushing if it was a relative. My case was very clear cut, my designs that I created and owned the rights to were stolen. To give you the end first, I did prevail but at what costs?

The average civil suit can take up to 5 years+ on the average. There is a lot of confusion when people think, oh I'll get an attorney on contingency, not so fast, yes on one hand the attorney will gain a huge % of any settlement if they take your case on that basis. The catch is that you have to provide a trust fund of any out of pocket expenses this attorney occurs, depositions, picking up their pencil to make a note practically so now you enter the battle grounds to move forward with a civil suit. However now you have to factor in the mental anguish and destruction against the $ benefit.

If the average civil suit can and mostly does take up to 5 years can you put a value on that amount and see if it makes sense? I was lucky, I got bashed to the cement and luckily they weren't a family member because I can only dream of the extra horror. Now you have the pitting of other family members, the emails, the phone calls. At least with this Psychopath corporate person they weren't my family and I endured an experience that I would have to say ranks up there with the darkest years of my life. I concluded that in the end, I didn't really "win". I could have used those 5 years not being driven out of my mind with the lies etc. and made 10X the money.

Fortunately that is why hind sight is important to keep in mind and sharing what I would have done in hindsight I hope will help. With a family in the mix I can only magnify what happened to me would be so much higher crazy making, downright horrifying event it would be, I can't calculate how much worse it could have been. Really in the end it is all about money and protecting your rights? Are you really trading off your sanity for $.....???

So let's say you have % interest in this property which has a $ value of X. If you knew that dealing with this for the next 5 years+ might just wreck your own sanity, what is the trade off for your sanity I think is the big question.

We know how a Psychopath is going to operate. Attorneys operate on a premise of delay, delay, delay, so no matter what you can pretty much on the low side know you are in for a battle that will be a minimum of 5 years based on statistics and your anxiety is at it's highest and you will be fending off relatives, pushing your attorneys and the only result is you might be the one who will come out the other end more than likely crazy If you think dealing with them is crazy now, try on some track shoes to battle them over $.

What is the value of your sanity is the only thing I can ask. We can safely figure you are looking at a 5+ battle with a Psychopath over X amount of $.

I have asked myself that question for 15 years now. Would I do it all over again. Because it is clearly called the past because that just is what the word is and life doesn't have do overs I can only take from the experience lessons learned by surviving it. In my heart of hearts I would have spared myself of the quest for rights and $ equation knowing what it was like during those 5 years it took for me with a clear cut case, just like you clearly own a portion of this property Personally knowing what I now know about how Psychopaths and the legal system in general works, I wouldn't charge into the battle, no I would walk away.

It wasn't worth proving I was right even though after 5 years of pure hell I "won" and forced them to finally settle, I could have done a lot better things during those years which were the darkest years in my life, I can safely say, I would take back my sanity and walked from the $ and protecting my design rights.

We can only answer these questions for our selves with as much information to weigh any situation in life. We know and can only even think it will be worse case scenario over some property than a person can imagine when your opposition is a Psychopath. And if you win this property which clearly I can read from your post that is rightfully yours, will you really win?, you have the added twist that this is a family member so the horror lives on at full strength. If you "win" you will still be tied to this horror show. You will still be a player in this sick web of characters until when? The real estate market isn't exactly booming.

They will be doing what they do best and destroying you in the process or you could decide all that has some value and go to battle over this property. I would caution you to a very well thought out plan. If you think dealing with them now is horrific beyond any comprehension, get your helmet on the ride is just starting.

Now it is about information gathering to decide what to do next, only you can decide that. What is it going to cost in $, sanity and time and for what amount is that worth going after? Maybe a good old pros and con list is in order.

Perhaps making and writing down that simple list may help guide your decision. In rating the pros and cons I would ask myself the pro or con of what I know and can calculate also what it will do to my sanity. How much is at stake, if the property is worth millions then one could lay out a good argument that going into battle with a Psychopath at least you would know your opponent. Are you grounded enough with the proper boundaries to still be standing after 5 + years? Are there better things you could be doing with your time for the next 5+ years? Would dealing with accelerated evil for 5 years be a pro or a con? I am sure you get the picture, it would be interesting to lay out the pros and cons in dealing with a Psychopath that is a relative in a business dealings for our community.

Think they are raging mad now, they will thrive on the challenge of a fight and destruction.

Di

Hi daddysproblem,
Thanks for the reply, and I remember talking with you before, I had read some more of your posts as well. Since I was on here I made the decision to move countries, back from Spain to the UK, so have been really busy with the move! And dealing with all this... Yes, Daddy strikes just as my entire life is up in the air, moving house, job-hunting, leaving my friends and my own house behind... but I have a lot of support here.

I found your comments very interesting - you say your brother has taken over your mother's role as complete partner, that really struck me - my bro (and even my friend who is now dating him commented on this) has a creepily 'close' relationship with his father. He reminds me of the Manchurian candidate. You say you have intellectually accepted this and are catching up emotionally - I can relate to that. I'm sorry to hear about your own personal Hell and wish you strength to cope with it. I would love my brother to open his eyes but I doubt he ever will. My Mum hangs onto this hope, and what complicates this more is she wants us both to get on, which is natural. But with the Psychopath in the way, our relationship is severely strained.

I agree that there's very little one can do. In a way that's encouraging! Thanks for the comments about letting go and not trying to convince everyone, I am stepping right back from my friend, she has chosen not to be unbiased, and let's face it, that's not an option when dealing with a psychopath. I think you're right, I should step back and stop trying to convince her it's there, it's behind her! And it's really evil! It's like being the only one to see the monster, it's scary, like a horror film. But I should stop it. It took me years to work it out, so how's she going to do it in a few months? But it still hurts, after all those years of being close friends.

You are right that he knows I know him. The last time I saw him (a couple of years ago, after 5 or 6 years out of contact) he could not look me in the eye, stammered, was extremely uncomfortable around me. For the first time in a life-time I fronted up to him, I stared him down, and it was an amazing feeling after being subtly bullied for so long. So, he's intimidated by me, but still wants to crush me!....

I will think carefully about your advice, thanks. I am trying to walk away, but this damn house deal keeps us tied, and in a way he's been stringing this out when it is solvable, in order to maintain contact and continue to screw with me, that's my take. Even my solicitor said he is impossible to deal with, flies off into needless hysterical 'emotion' and will not get on and resolve matters, when they are fairly simple. I can see clearly now how much he enjoys the fighting, the distress, the anger etc.

I'm sorry about your family being so tied up in this, and your mother. I understand your nausea when he contacts you and obviously doesn't care about her. Contact with mine makes me feel sick as well. Like you, I will have to try and put this behind me, but I know what you mean - it plays on my mind all the time, it is crippling me in some discreet way, poisoning my life, taking up far too much space and energy.

Oh well, keep trying and good luck! I'm here to talk if and when you want to. I'll check up on here more often now I'm more settled.
x
C

Hi Dianne,
Thanks as always for your prompt reply and for your comments. Sorry to have thrown you back into the stress of the court case! I'd hate to send anyone back there.... I know what it's like. I have to point out here, I talked about it a little before when I was posting, this has, in fact, been going on for 7 years now already. Before I thought I was pretty close to resolution, however, a few months later, more complications have arisen and negotiations have now collapsed completely. So I appreciate the comments about holding onto your hat, it hasn't even started yet, but I am still standing (just) after 7 years!

I totally agree with you - my sanity is not worth any price. I started fighting this 7 years ago defiant and strong, sure it was the right thing to do. Now, after the energy-sapping experience, distress, nastiness, etc, and still we have got nowhere, I am beginning to regret ever having started it. However, on principle I don't want him to walk all over me, as he always did when I was a child. The other thing is, I have been supported by a legal professional, a family member, who has lots of experience dealing with Psychopaths and did, in fact, alert me to his condition, which has helped me enormously, and he has always encouraged me to stand my ground and not hand over my share for nothing. He has also promised to support me, and so far has done so. My mother is also behind me 100%, and agrees that I should withdraw the offer, and just hold onto it until he dies.

I find that it's a no-win situation, really. Of course, I don't want more years of hassle and hell, but my only option in that case is to give it to him for nothing and allow him to bully me once again. That way I would at least be free of him, but that's what he wants, to grind me down until I give up. The other option, ignoring him, and keeping my share, is no solution either, really, as he will continue to do everything he can to cause problems and upset me, and I will be legally tied to him all his life. I agree with you, it is a horrible, pointless, wearying situation, I thought we had a way out, and now we are back precisely nowhere. I have been advised (by someone who knows how to handle Psychopaths) to let him rage, let him manipulate, let him wind himself up to a frenzy, and just ignore it all. Now he is threatening to take me to court etc etc, but he has never taken anyone to court in his life, it's all hot air. He would not dare call me on the phone, as in a weird way he is intimidated by me now. He can only send emails which I can store in a folder and ignore.

I think ignoring is the way to walk away. This is the conclusion I am coming to now. Handing it over or selling it really cheap may leave me liable for a massive tax bill I don't have the money to pay. There's little he can do to me really that he hasn't already done. But like I said, the more I read here, the more I am convinced that there is no way to negotiate with a Psychopath, you can never win, and it's not worth damaging and wearying myself further with this. So for the moment I have to conclude that I just walk away and stop trying to sort it our logically or legally.

I shall think carefully about your comments, thank you. For now I am ignoring any contact/angry letter/emails/attempts to drag my brother into it.

Thanks again for the support and advice. It must be very hard for you to talk about this after so long dealing with it yourself.
x
C

Hi, sorry for taking so long to reply. I am willing to answer any questions, not to worry, some good came out of it, the forum which started sideways, I discovered who I was dealing with by starting the forum out of curiosity about Psychopaths. I learned my neutral zone. I doubt we only have one run in with a Psychopath in our lifetime because there have been no studies about how many are in the general population. The figures have never been updated since the early prison studies so I have a hard time grasping it is only 1 - 3%.

That is the pattern, when you start to think it is almost over something always comes up.

I have been thinking about your position being part owner of the property. I would ask your attorney what your liabilities are, who knows what could happen and if your name is on the deed you might just go down with the ship. If someone were to get injured at the property and sue, if they don't pay the taxes, the list goes on. I am very concerned about what your legal exposure might be. In your case it is something to really add into the equation. How vulnerable are you legally by having your name on the deed?

A wise member here posted, sometimes winning means walking away.

Di

Hi Dianne,
Thanks for your further thoughts about my situation. I have checked with my solicitor what my liabilities are, I completely agree with you about being liable potentially for financial shenanigans he is responsible for, this is something that has worried me all along - I don't want to be on the same deeds as him for anything, as he always creates debt, problems, fraudulent situations etc. I also agree that sometimes it is better to walk away, it takes more strength than fighting. However, if I hand over my share now I could still be liable for a huge tax bill, as it will look to the tax authorities like a scam among the family. I feel I have no option but to insist he buys my share and cover me for my tax liabilities, and I am following the advice of my family member who is the legal professional. On his advice I am ignoring the communications from my stepfather unless they are prepared to continue with the offer on my terms. Today I've received another email, this time mentioning money again (among the threats, legal nonsense and serious attempts at manipulation). I am waiting for more advice from my legal help, and am going to try and resolve this by selling up. My stepfather is now attempting to appear the reasonable, hurt party, who has always had my best interests at heart all along etc etc.... It is very interesting, he is trying to get me to meet up with him to discuss the legal issues. I say interesting because it appears to me to be a typical psychopath trick. There is no way I am meeting up with him so he can try and bully me, co-erce me, or intimidate me. He knows everything else he is trying is not working, as I have stood firm and not engaged in the mud-slinging, etc. I think the best thing to do now is to sit tight and wait and see, the tone of his latest communication suggests to me that he is desperate now, trying every tactic he can think of.

Thank you for your help and support, I really appreciate it. I also had other comments which were very helpful - about not being able to sway other peoples' opinions, and just having to let it go when it comes to putting my side of the story across.

Anyway, I'll keep you posted. I have a couple of other questions which I will ask later on when the immediate problems are sorted - about counselling and professional help, as I feel I need some.

Thanks again,
C

I also have to say sth in this topic. As I also have this legal issue with my Psychopath.
He has tried literally everything to make me look crazy. And whats terrible is that people believe him, he is so convincing.
What I have learned though is that what he makes up about me is EXACTLY what he is like. I mean, he (maybe even thinks so, being a Psychopath) convinces everyone that I am what he really is. He probably sees it his eyes - he thinks Im gonna do what he would do in my place.

So in some way it is good - coz he is very predictable. He is still trying to manipulate me. And I just won't let him now, no matter what.

This whole thing scares me, coz his rage will surely burst soon. Luckily I have a great friend who supports me and can calm me down whenever I feel stressed again. He also encourages me to do everything I can, and really helps me. I don't think I could do it without him.

I feel really scared of what's coming, but it scares me even more to let go. It's just something I'm gonna do, no matter what the consequences. Coz it's not important for me to even win this case. What's important for me to show not him, but myself and others, that I will never take this abuse. And neither should they.


I see it as a "you cannot lose" situation. I have nothing to lose. And everything to gain.

BTW: if I win, and there's financial compensation, I'm giving part of it, probably half of it to the friend who helped me so much.

Newbird, I hope things get worked through for you (with the legal esp) soon.

My lawyer told me that ex h still owes me the $ he never paid as it is considered my property. My bankruptcy apparently has nothing to do with what he owes as to wiping that out on his part, it will be ongoing that he does owe me. I don't plan to at least for now going after him for it, as we all know getting anything out of them is pretty much a waste of time. He took me to the cleaners as this HUGE debt was accumulated with him in the coming & going & property that ended up I took a tremendous loss on (virtually worth almost nothing), it was something I could not get sold on my own as it was not to where I could get to it (had to do everything via the phone) & it tooks months & so much time to get rid of. It was continual spending (when together) of which was all on me to pay (in the end) & nothing at all monetarily to show for it.

I truely do not understand him at all as everything he told me from his mouth (dreams, promises, so much talk) on his part amounted to nothing. It is as if his words are empty. He is typical Psychopath. It will take yrs to recover if I ever do.

Hello to the newbies.

Hi Newbird,
Thanks for writing to me, haven't been looking on here for a few days - working and also been in a bit of a slump due to Stepfather's latest abusive emails, and threats to take me to court. Sometimes I can cope with it, sometimes it sends me into a weird state for a couple of days - extremely tired and down, completely drained. Anyway, better now!
Sorry to hear you are in a similar legal nightmare. I found your comments really interesting about projection - my stepfather does exactly the same thing: what he accuses me/anyone else of is exactly what he is/ he does. Exactly. So, like you say, it's quite a good way to 'read' him, just look at the accusations and that's what he's thinking/doing/planning. My mother worked this out years ago. I might even go back to his latest vile ranting and have dispassionate look throught to give me some clues what he's about to do/is thinking!...

I also agree with you about not giving up, about the argument not being about the money or winning, it's about not being bullied and abused this one last time. This is why I am finding this situation so confusing - part of me doesn't want to give up no matter what, it's a principle, I have to stand up for myself after a lifetime of being trampled on, but another part of me realises how exhausting it is to fight and how much it has damaged me. I would really like a solution to this, as I am finding it really hard to think of this continuing indefinitely for the next X number of years, and the effect it will have on me. Of course, his opinion of me/treatment of me will never change, but once this is resolved I am no longer tied to him legally and can walk away. I don't seem able to feel the same way as you though - that I have nothing to lose. I feel as though I am already losing (my close friend's opinion of me, my brother, my own peace of mind, to name a few things). Hopefully I will come to the same conclusion soon - that I am winning. I felt that way for along time, but we are now almost 7 years on, and I feel pretty weary and ground down by it.

I'm glad you have some close friends supporting you, I think it's so important to have someone who believes you and supports you. I really hope it goes well for you. I understand what you mean about feeling scared, my stepfather's outbursts scare me (not him exactly, but the nature of the bile, the anger, the sheer nastiness of his rage and not knowing how long he will be in this state. It's hard coming to terms with knowing someone hates you that much and would go to any lengths to destroy/defame you).
Hang in there!
X
C

cjp1 - when I look at it - it's like this:
you wrote you are loosing your close friends' opinion on you - well for me, if they don't want to even check his "version" as they call it with me - I don't give a damn about this friends. And it doesn't matter that I've known them for years. They do not deserve to even talk to me!
They just DO NOT care.

No sane person will believe the Psychopaths story once they hear the truth. Some people just don't wanna hear the truth, but that's their choice. My choice is to call them weak losers, and laugh at their behavior. Living in a lie is comfortable, but it's still living in a lie.

So, for me, of course, I am scared, sometimes I have doubts and second thoughts. But overall I know I am doing the right choice. I am following my heart, and it has never led me astray. I owe this to everyone else who is/was in this situation and I owe this to myself. Coz, had I listened to my inner voice, my heart in the first place, this would've never happened. So I don't see any other way.

Even if I lose, even if everyone believes him and call me crazy. I don't care, coz it doesn't matter. I know the truth and will never ever let him tell a lie again and do nothing about it.


But I guess, it is a war. And, like in every war, everybody loses. And I will have to sacrifice a lot, to (if at all) gain very little. But it's OK. Coz if in a few years there's at least one tear less shed in this world by someone else because of this person, it was totally worth it.

How do I deal with psychopath rage?

Turn round and walk away.

What they want is a reaction, any kind of reaction (fear, anger, the desire to defend oneself against an untruth...). They provoke and push, and keep pushing, and can sniff it out and latch on to it. Then you're caught in their trap.

I've been on the receiving end of all sorts of rages from my dad. A lot of which made me scared for my life. They are masters of fear and manipulating fear. Explicit fear ('do this and I'll kill you') and implicit fear ('I'd better not do that as I know it'll make him angry').

But you know what? I don't care. I don't care about him, his 'version', his world. Like I don't care if people don't believe me. That's their problem. Exactly as you said, NewBird.

Yes, I agree, it's like a war. But they want you to engage in this way. A war is a confrontation. It has sides, winners and losers.

I'm not doing that. I'm not engaging in that way. They're not hooking me and eliciting any negativity from me that way.

Any casualty that comes my way I will, of course, extend a helping hand to, listen, empathise, accept validate. But it's not about the psychopath at that point. They get indifference from me. It's about the other casualty and about the relationship we have. It's about all the positive qualities they have shown: strength, courage, the desire to live, communication, friendship, love.

That's where I'm at with all of this at the moment.

I hope I haven't offended anyone. I do understand about fear and anger, the desire for revenge...all those things and more. I really do. And I would never dismiss anyone who felt those things. I would give them all my time and all my listening and try to meet them exactly at where they're at. Those things are really important, because after that psychopathic fog and the disconnection from your own feelings that has been part of the whole survival mechanism of dealing with a psychopath, anger and the desire for revenge are signs of reconnecting with your own feelings. They are signs that you feel there has been an injustice done to you. And that's a very great thing indeed.

But I feel that it's not the end of the story. I feel that there is a way to change all that energy into something which doesn't cause harm to the individual, something that doesn't corrode and obsess, but something which is positive that, very importantly, still manages to tap into that huge drive and energy that there is with anger and the desire for revenge.

Hope someone can find some of that helpful.

I would never consider dealing with a Psychopath as a revenge.
It's nothing more than not letting a big scary animal bite you again and bite others.

I don't think I would be able to experience "revenge" as such, I would say this behavior and certain feelings connected are typical only of Psychopaths and similar ppl.

When I think about it like this - would I want revenge on him? No, hell no. If he was dying in the streets I wouldn't care, but I still wouldn't want to be the cause of any pain.

As for now, I only do what is right - me giving in and letting go is exactly what he wants now, because if he loses this battle and there's much probability that he will - he will lose it all. Then it is over for him (I'll describe my story and the case here once it's all over, sorry to be so vague for now). So I just cannot step back. There is no turning back.

Hope I didn't upset or offend you. I wasn't my intention.

*it* wasn't my intention. Sorry

not at all. I just wrote my thoughts on that coz what you wrote made me wonder for a moment. Which is good:)

I am most glad to have a stable mind, finally. I am 100% sure of all of the decisions I make, and ready to take 100% of the responsibility. That's a great feeling after such a hell!

Thank you. That's a big relief to know that.

It sounds like you're in a good place. It's really exciting to feel you can make your own decisions again

Thanks for the comments, Newbird.

I haven't been on here for a while, busy with job interviews and trying to get my head round the latest.
I thought about what you said about a friend not being a real friend if they won't even hear your side of the story, and I have to agree. I have not contacted my 'friend' since she seems to have made up her mind and found me guilty of being the crazy one. It has also helped to have it repeated that there is nothing you can do to persuade someone of the truth, just leave it. So I have just decided to leave it, and it has actually helped. She can think what she likes. I know the truth, and my close friends and important people know it. I think you're right, she doesn't actually care. So neither will I. This could be a misconception, but there'll have to be a lot of explaining for me to feel otherwise.

Negotiations have now come to a collapse, now I am just being sent insulting, personal character assassinations by email. (by my stepfather's partner). Unfortunately, some of the information in them appears to have come from confidences I shared with her. I have since decided not to have any more contact with any of them, and that makes me feel better. I can't solve the legal situation just now, so will have to work on keeping my distance and blocking the emotional force of the attacks. And I'll be a lot more careful who I discuss this with in future.

Thanks again for the support and comments
x
cjp

On some level they honestly believe their own lies and, in another sense, they have an extremely loose relationship with the truth. This goes some way to explaining why they are so damn persuasive to both the people around them and to themselves.

It's as if they lack some form of cohesive self-identity and so invent one that is perfect, grandiose, and blameless and they stick to this fiction no matter what. In their mind they are not to blame - you are - no matter how horrible the things are that they did to you they will never accept responsibility and say sorry. Never!

From my experience - If you try to break this fiction or undermine it then you end up in the firing line. This fiction is what holds their identity together and it's what they spend their time nurturing and fighting for.






It becomes a bit like an information mine field where the psychopath preps and manipulates those around you who they have access to for information about you.

It has been interesting for me to note that the mask of sanity seems to slip a little when they are left in the dark about what you, the victim, are thinking and doing because they cease to be able to get inside your skin and accurately judge what is motivating you.

From what I have experienced - when the victim moves on they change as a person but the abuser still sees their victim as the same person they once were. If you say nothing and have no contact then their actions begin to seem stranger and stranger as they cling to the same old tricks whilst wondering why things aren’t working like they used to.

For me this was a big turning point - A huge light bulb went on and I realised just how deluded and sad my father was. It all still hurts though...

Hi SonOfaPsychopath,

Thank you for your comments. I agree with your points, and have been thinking and working out a way to block this from affecting me at the moment. Turning my back has been very powerful. My stepfather is retaliating so vindictively because he still sees me as the child he used to have control over, and is trying to attack my sense of self, like you say, get under my skin in order to continue to exert control. He can't bear the fact that he can't control me at the moment, and I realise the only way to protect myself is to break all contact and stop fighting. I am beginning to think this legal battle (7 years now) has no conclusion, and cannot be resolved. He may even have been playing with me all this time to provoke and carry on fighting, with no intention of resolving it. Either way I have stepped back and am not involving myself in the endless mind-reading and second-guessing. I am trying not to care what he does next, which tactic he tries next, how he tries to hurt and belittle me next, because the only thing I have control over is choosing how I respond, or choosing not to respond at all. At the moment not responding seems to be working.

You are right - he is sticking with his conviction/fiction that he is the wounded party, the victim, the abandoned and wronged father, while I am the unstable, vindictive, bitter daughter. It is like dealing with a shouting baby, I once read a description of psychopaths as toddlers having a tantrum in an adult body. His rage is the fury of a child who has been denied its own way. His grandiose sense of dominance and respectability and total control over his family is cracking around him. It is shocking how much real hate and poison he has and directs toward me and other non-compliant members of the family, while my obedient brother is lauded as the 'good son'. I feel sorry for my brother, he's a smart guy but he has a very short memory. Like you say, I am in the full force of the firing line right now, as I have dared to defy my stepfather.

I realise my stepfather must not have access to any personal information about me, then he is unable to attack me and try to bring me down. Sometimes it feels profoundly tiring to have to carry this around, like an addiction, a monkey on your back wherever you go. But this is what he wants- to drain me and follow me wherever I go. I am working on learning to leave him behind. When I walk around he is with me inside my head, criticising me at every turn, it is very hard to clear him from my head a lot of the time. He is very dangerous to be around and I think I must avoid him at all costs, and that includes thinking/talking about him. I don't want him to win. I don't want to become the litany of failure as a person he has always attributed to me. I'd hate to prove him right.

So, working on it. But thanks for the comments; it helps to discuss this sometimes with people who have had similar experiences, and let's face it, not many people have. I wouldn't wish this on anyone.
x
C

I think it is exactly so. For as long as you are involved in any way with him, he is in your life and will try and engage and provoke your feelings.



His opinion of you (and his opinions in general), as much as he has tried to make it the most important thing in your life, really is of no value or importance to you. It's your opinion and your views that are the most important here. And by stepping back and not getting involved in the mind reading and second guessing, you are putting the focus back on yourself.




I have this too. When I feel him in my head, or hear his voice, I imagine myself shrinking him in size until he's like a pinhead, or turning the volume on his voice down until he's on mute.




I think this is still an element of the conflict scenario they try and set up: the win/lose scenario.

What I felt has really worked for me, is just turning my back, walking away, not getting involved, not caring what he says (because his words and opinions have no power over me. They're just that, words and opinions, and from someone whose opinion I don't value at all). All things you have done too.

But what I've found has really worked for me was a change in mindset. There is no win or lose scenario. There is just me, doing what I want with my life, making what I want out of it.

I'm not saying it's a bed of roses, I still have to cope with all the PTSD stuff, but somehow the frustration of that is gone. I think I've learnt to live with the symptoms, and be able to give myself whatever it is that I need to make things OK, and be safe in the knowledge that they will pass.

I feel a great strength from your posts, especially this last one. His opinion of you really has no value to you, merely because you do not respect his opinion. As much as he tries to demand that respect, and take it from you, that respect is really yours to give. You can choose to give that respect to someone and how to give it (give it slowly, give it quickly) or to withhold it completely.

Hi cjp1,

I think that one of the hardest/most important things to do is not to beat yourself about anything. Your thoughts will go where they want to and in time you’ll think about things in a different way.

I’m starting to.

SOP

Hi Starry,

Thanks so much for your post, your words really helped and encouraged me. I have felt so much more peace and freedom recently, following your advice, turning my back and not allowing him to demand my attention/respect/reaction. You're right - what he thinks and says are only opinions and words, they do not have to affect me in any way. I don't know why this has sunk in only now, but it has been a great step forward for me.

I love your suggestion about shrinking him to the size of a pinhead! Or turning the volume down. I find visualisations like this really useful, and will use that one in future when I hear his voice in my head. Luckily he hasn't been around much lately, what a relief, but his particular form of mind control does crop up fairly regularly. I shall be vigilant, on the lookout for it, and try and learn one of those techniques.

I have also been thinking about what you said about the win/lose, conflict scenario that he has created, and you are right. I seem to be stuck in this rut - a battle to the death, a battle of wills, it has, for a long time, felt like me or him, and it's felt like he's been winning. I agree, I have to go even further and make this just about me. My life and my decisions are mine, not about some endless fight to prove him wrong. It is such a tempting trap to fall into when someone has spent so much time and energy discrediting you and trying to bring you down. It makes you want to prove them wrong, to conquer them, to shut them up. But I have been thinking a lot about what you said. It doesn't matter whether I 'beat' him or disappoint him. What matters is that I do what I feel to be right for me. I am, very slowly, learning to let go of all these things that have been stressing me during the legal fighting. He can't legally do anything to me at the moment, despite his threats, all he can do is send me the occasional email or ranting letter, and I have resolved not to read them, and have told him this by email. So now all that remains is to get on with my life and look to the future, not the past.

Again, thank you for your advice and for talking to me about this, it is helping me immensely. FInally we have a phase where I feel free and strong and resolute! I have been so down recently, the last couple of years, and there have been a lot of major life changes, a lot of added stress from his continual psychological attacks, but things are paying off- I have passed an interview, I have a new job training coming up, I have resolved a lot of issues from my move back to the UK, and the future is looking positive.

Here's to hanging on to that and learning to walk away!
Cjp

Hi SOP,
Thanks for your comment.
You're right, I don't know how, but things are starting to change, I am beginning to think and feel differently - free, independent, calm, and for once, strong. I am trying to let go of all the stress of fighting with him, and even get past the anger and hatred I sometimes feel for him. I would like to arrive at a place where I feel nothing about him. I suspect this may take a lot more time and work. But I am making such progress recently, instead of thinking all the time about the past and the negative effects of his presence in my life, I am starting once more to look at the future, and all its possibilities. I read a great quote from the Dalai Lama the other day:
'Appreciate how rare are your circumstances and potential in this world, take joy in that and use it to your advantage.'

That really spoke to me. Instead of focusing on the negative things about being brought up by this monster, I am learning to look at how unusual that makes me, what special insights, sensitivity, and skills that gives me. And to see what is really there in me - strength, creativity, dynamism, etc, rather than see the things my stepfather always tried to point out that in fact, are not there, they are just constructs of his control and destructive methods of manipulation. For a long time he had me believing I am the things he says I am - weak, neurotic, childish, irresponsible, a victim etc. I am none of these things, I am what i decide to be, not what he attributes to me.

Realising these things recently has been great, I feel really free of him for the first time in a long time. He cannot hurt me or continue to harm me unless I allow him to. I do have the inner strength to keep him at bay.

Thanks for writing me. You seem to be coping very well, good for you.
cjp

Wow, this is incredible...a real epiphany!!! And on so many different levels too!! I feel this is a real turning point for you, after so many years.

Can I ask you something? Will you make an effort to consciously remember this feeling? And also everything associated with it (physical feeling)? And also to try and protect this feeling?

My way of doing it is to enfold it/me in a big velvet cape. My cape is so well imagined it is almost real to me: it wraps round me many times, it reaches down to the ground, it has a big hood that comes right over my face...). Anything that wants to cause that feeling I have harm, or damage it in some way, does not get through the cape. It just slides off. The bad feeling is not mirrored back to the other person (so that they receive no energy from me at all, just indifference). If things get difficult for you, either with him or with other negative people, just wrap your cape around yourself and you will be safe and warm.

I wanted to say people who survive life with a psychopath are incredibly strong and resourceful. This is what shines through to me. They/we have a connection to and desire for life (and all that that brings with it) which is much stronger than a psychopath's will to destroy.

Exactly Starry!

I feel that, not the experience itself, but the aftermath, where I had to find who real friends are, and saw the sides of some ppl that I never thought I would see... this has made me stronger, more patient, more confident about myself. This is a lesson that has built be as I am now, and without it, I'd still be this innocent, but stupid person. The world is full of evil, but now, I feel I can comprehend it, and deal with it. It is this great feeling of "nothing can do me harm" coz I know better.
It was worth the wait. Definietely!

Hi Starry,
Thanks for your words of encouragement. I had been doing a similar visualisation to the one you suggested, with the cape, but in my mind I have been dressed in a white space-suit, with a big glass bubble helmet. Perfectly sealed, so it doesn't matter what is thrown at me, it can't penetrate and can't alter the peaceful state I have worked hard to achieve. Nothing gets in, nothing can attack me or alter me from outside, I am in control of how I regulate things in here. It seems to be working. I am aware, as you say, that there will be times I will feel my comfort-zone out of kilter, and I am going to try and hold onto this feeling of calm and strength.

I totally agree with you - like the quotation from the Dalai Lama - appreciate how weird you are, use it and be happy about it! (And also with what Newbird was saying) Dealing with a psychopath makes you strong, gives you levels of perception most people don't have, and an insight into human nature and evil. Once you are free it also gives you the capacity to delight in life and all good things, all the joy there is to be had. I suppose it's a yin/yang kind of thing - you can't fully appreciate the good, until you've tasted the bad, the really, really bad. And despite the terrible damage they inflict on us, we can escape from them, and we can go on to be stronger and more grounded after that.

Thanks again for your support
cjp

Hi Guys,
Just a little update...
I come back from a few days away at a training course for a new job, which would be starting next year (freelance, long story), but a really great opportunity and something I am really positive and excited about. While away I have received a solicitor's letter from my stepfather claiming that he (the solicitor) is instructed by my stepfather that I owe him money (an amount he has decided, no proof, of course) and that he is prepared to waive this fee if I hand over my share of the property (the one we have been legally fighting over) for nothing. Otherwise he will start court proceedings against me.

I say, bring it on.....

I wanted to record it here because I have had a different response to the usual one, and I think that's due to a change of heart, and thanks to some very good advice from you people. There was of course, until I had opened it, the initial tension and nausea but as soon as I read it I thought 'oh well, stupid old fool. He thinks he can scare me into doing what he has been trying to get me to do all along, sign over something for nothing. Transparent, pathetic, and a cheap shot.' He has no real threat in there, just 'I'll take you to court if you continue to disobey me'. Ok, take me to court, then....

I agree with previous comments here - he can't hurt me unless I allow him to. I have cut off all information to him now, not in contact with my brother, my 'friend' his girlfriend, so he doesn't even know I have been away for a job training, and have a new job coming up. he continues to treat me as though I am a frightened, malleable child, going on the knowledge he used to have of me, of the person I was before. Well, I'm not her any more, and he has no idea who he is trying to push around any more. He must be finding it very frustrating that I am not doing exactly as he wants and predicts.

My final thought was 'yes, Happy Christmas to you too, you old *****!' Nice thing to do. send someone a threatening letter ten days before Christmas. Just shows you what a nasty, pathetic character he is.

Starry - I am using my 'protection' technique as well- the tightness around the chest and the racing heart was calmed, as I opened the letter, by imagining myself in my tightly sealed space-suit! He can't get in, he can't hurt me, he can't stress me, and he certainly can't ruin my Christmas!

Take care, All, thanks for the support
x
Cjp

kudos to you cjp1. i love this post.

having written different posts i'm not sure what i've said or not.. so just want to say that after my father has finally verbalized that he is at WAR with me and me finally seeing that has been our true dynamic my entire life (tough stuff to fully digest - but i'm getting there), i have blocked his calls. if he calls all he gets is a message and he can't leave a message. this way he can't barge into my emotional space.

letting go and seeing others, as yourself, letting go. it's so healing. and encouraging.

i feel that just by being on this site and sharing with each other allows us all to break free of the hold of these alien beings.

i'm not sure about the imagery - i'll see about this. the possibility is very slight that he will find another way to contact me. the phone is his BEST friend. he's on it all day. but if he does contact me somehow.. i will try this. usually i do a weird disconnect when i speak to him.. but i end up with major stress afterwards. so i will try this.

again.. awesome cjp1... i feel like everyone on here are team members... we can revel in each others successes and use that to propel us forward.. not backwards.

thanks again. oh and screw him you're FREE

I think the weird disconnect is two different things.

From one perspective it's what they try to do to people, lots of different types of disconnect. The thinking-feeling one being one of the main ones. Because if you disconnect, if you can't connect your feelings with your thoughts, they can always talk you round, talk you into things, stop you from doing what you really want to do. It's a way of breaking you down.

From another perspective, the weird disconnect is also way of protecting yourself. It's something that has kept you safe (in the past). I've definitely done it, and sometimes revert to it if I'm feeling very overwhelmed. When I was with my dad I lost entire days and days to the disconnect.

The downside of this is that you're not present, you're not in yourself. You're absent.

The imagery (bell jar, space suit, velvet cape) is a very powerful way of creating the protective space around your physical self rather than retreating into and then away from yourself. It's a very proactive assertion of your space (physical, emotional) rather than a defence mechanism you're forced into using when your back is to the wall. And it's a very powerful way of remaining connected to yourself and your processes.

The more you use it, the easier it gets and the more powerful it feels.

I use it a lot now. And I started using it with negative people too. I don't want their negativity near me, I don't want their negativity to touch my soul. And it feels great. I used to feel constantly overwhelmed by people, suffocated, claustrophobic almost. Now things are much easier.

Yep,
I find imagining myself in this sealed space-suit seems to work for me. I even imagine the bubble around my head, which means I can't hear him, I can hear my own breathing instead, odd, I know, but it makes me feel safe and protected. I imagine everything is covered and sealed off from him- hands, feet, every part of me, so there's no way he can get in, no way his poisonous aura can seep inside and disturb me, it doesn't matter what he throws at me, he can turn a flamethrower on me, gas me, shoot weapons at me, whatever, it just bounces off the suit. I am in my own totally sealed off micro-climate, my own life support system, and he can't get in. I know it sounds really strange, but it works. Like I said, when I got the registered solicitor's letter my heart started to beat really fast and I got a tightening in my chest, a sick feeling, then I just retreated into my space suit and focused on breathing and on feeling calm. It took some doing but I had to just focus on it - These are only words, words on paper, that are the rantings of a foolish and sick old man who isn't getting his own way.

SoP I know where you are coming from - my stepfather also has made it very clear that we are at war. The last time I saw him in person he used words to that effect, 'there needs to be peace between you and I.' There never will be, only distance. As much as possible. There is no peace anywhere in his vicinity or in any of the people he holds close. I am sorry that yours calls you on the phone, I at least have the luck that he won't call me, and he doesn't live in the same city. He can only try and get at me through letters, emails, and via my brother. But I totally know what you mean when you say contact upsets your emotional equilibrium, it does mine as well, even distant, written things.

But down with these weird, alien tricks! We can fight back, we have powerful tools and tricks as well. It's the strangest kind of mind-game: they only have the power we allow them to have. It's only sinking in now, after years and years of being like the walking dead, believing myself to be so damaged by him that there was no coming back. It's not true. They have as much power as we give them. True they are dangerous and manipulative, they catch us out, catch us off guard and hurt us, but we can always wake up again, connect again, and get stronger. Like I said in my last post, I'm an adult now, I don't need to be afraid of him any more. It sucks to realise the person you looked up to as your father did not love you, despite your loving him, and that he was in fact at war with you, an enemy of your soul from the very start. It's a hard thing to come to terms with, that someone abused your innocence and screwed with you at such a young age. But that doesn't define you, does it? It's just what happened in the past, in a time we had no choice and no control. But we do now.

Anyway, I'm starting to ramble....
Every day it becomes clearer to me: no contact, not even messages and letters, no information running between me and him, so he has no idea who I am or what is going on in my life, no contact with anyone in his circle so the smear campaign is kept contained. And if that means my brother as well, then it means him as well. I have to protect myself. I am also using that 'thought-stopping' tactic I read about: no thinking about him (well, obsessing or getting sucked into negative thought-spirals.) I catch myself doing it and just repeat in my head really firmly 'STOP!' and re-tune my thoughts to something positive. That's all. It's time for his influence and poison to STOP affecting me. I am fighting back with indifference, which is by far my most powerful weapon, and wow, is it empowering and liberating, like you said.

Must got to bed!
x
cjp

What an amazing post cjp. So much strength and so inspiring as well.

Thank you for sharing