Hi! I'm James. I am new here.

I am still looking for the truth. I am looking for answers.

I do not know what she was.But this is my story. I am very curious. I wanted to know the reality which I never will. Go easy, I am new here,and this is long even I tried to make it short... Here it is;



Hi,

I want to tell my story and hear some opinions...

I have so many questions left unanswered. I was living together with, and I think in love with a girl who just destroyed me.

The whole story is very long and I'll try to keep it short. I asked her times and times again, what did she want from me? I clearly didn't want to marry her, I didn't give her any money although she was unemployed...I seemingly didn't have materialistic value for her at all, and that's why I don't understand. After reading and researching online, it may appear she may be a socio/psychopath...I really don't know though at this time.

She stayed with me for some days in the start, after I met her. We liked each other and she was a fun person to be with. When I asked her to leave the 3rd or 4th time she had been at my place, that's when it started.
There was trouble at her place and she needed a place to stay some extra days...and then some more some more...

There were warning signs...but I couldn't leave her as she quickly became pregnant...we agreed to keep the baby, also as abortion is illegal where I live...we were sweet talking about boy or girl, names, where to move to start a family and so on...
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Then she about 4-5months in...she came home from a trip and we hugged and kissed...I wanted to look at her belly and reached to lift up her shirt..she denied me to do it...I asked her "Oh me god...Did you?"...she said "sorry" in a monotone voice...
...
I completely broke down and fell straight to the floor. in agony...after a while..I lit a candle and sat down in front of the window, cried my heart out for the entire night and informed my mom what had happened, that I wasnt gonna be a father after all...

I got a plane ticket for the next day and packed all my things..I was due to leave in a couple of hours...then she said "If I told you something now, would you believe me?"..."Probably not...what do you have to say?"... "The baby is still alive"...she explained how she had regret what she was about to do, and told them to stop before they could take it away..."Really?...why didn't you say anything and let me out of the pain??"..she said "I didn't know what to say, you were impossible to talk to....I only wanted to make a joke for you"...

She would get angry sometimes during arguments...she hit me on multiple occasions with fists and objects (doesn't hurt physically but annoying)...she would break my things...tear down the curtains...when I asked her why, after every time she did something unacceptable....it was always "I didn't do anything wrong. I only did that because you pushed me to do it"...now I'm not perfect and I made mistakes...but she always said never did she anything wrong...she would say "Look how nice I am to you. And this is what you make me do?"...those types of things


She knew how much I was looking forward to becoming a father. On 2 different occasions, she ran into the kitchen and came back with the biggest knife we had there...pulled up her shirt and screamed "I'm gonna kill myself and the baby" while holding the knife towards her stomach..this messed me up pretty bad
She liked to say how "bad" other people were...I said I believed no one is really bad, everyone is a little bit of both...she would lie about anything even the most pointless...she would say she went to another coffeshop when she had been at starbucks...she would pretend she was her friend/sister/someone else texting me from another number (this was very obvious to figure out because same spelling mistakes and wording)...the littlest things...I couldn't work it out...when I asked her why she lied to me, she would answer "I never lied to you, you are the one who is always lying to me" even I am more honest than what's smart...she was incredibly jealous and constantly worried about me liking someone else...

I suspected she wasn't pregnant after all when she was almost due...she had a sizable stomach but nowhere near what it was supposed to be from seing other pregnant girls...she had always denied to go to check ups...she didn't like it and they weren't necessary, "she could take care of herself"...this tortured me always and I thought of any way I could take her there...to see if everything was ok...

She would tell me with enthusiasm on a daily basis; "ouch! wow, the baby is moving!" and I would go to feel..."It stopped...maybe later"...she would tell me it was about time I started buying baby bottles and the necessary things, some clothes...and say that we should decide on a name soon..it feels so weird now...

I decided to finally try to confirm my suspicions...our bathroom had a leak so I often turned off the valve for the toilet water flow...I got up before her and made sure there was no water so she couldn't flush...which was normal at the time..she woke up eventually and went to the bathroom...I went in there after and got a urine sample from there...I went to the pharmacy and got 2 pregnancy tests. I went to a public restroom and did what was needed...then... They were negative as suspected...but I felt terrible that this was the truth....

I got back home and just looked at her and ignored her until she asked what was wrong..she said "What is wrong with you?"..."Are you really pregnant" I asked..."Yes, I promise. I don't know why my stomach is a little bit small..." I laid the 2 tests out...I said "Those are negative...how could you lie to me for months about this? Why?"..."I am really pregnant. How did you do get this test? You are crazy"..."I got it at the drugstore. I took your urine from the toilet...you didn't flush"..."No way. I flushed. That wasn't my pee. That was yours"
After a while, she finally admitted the charade and said she miscarried while we were having a heated arguement a few months before, and that it was all my fault, "You killed our baby"...obviously that was impossible...another malicious lie...

Looking back, there was this one time when I was sleepy and lying on the bed. She was sitting next to me watching tv, nothing special, it was a normal good day. I turned to looked at her...she turned her head straight at me...the eyes were darker than anything I've seen...it was like all black. I immediately jumped back. It was like staring straight into an abyss. It felt like the soul was telling me "You are nothing". I was never afraid of her until I saw that look. She quickly said "What's wrong, you're scaring me", by now the eyes were back to normal..."I saw something in your eyes...I don't know what it was"..."It was nothing. You didn't see anything in my eyes". I never saw that before or since.

After all this and this type of behavior I just cannot figure this out. It makes no sense that someone would behave like this with seemingly nothing to gain...I told her right away that if she wanted money she should find another guy, I don't give away money...but it isn't what she wanted. I never knew what she wanted from me.
She fits most of the characteristics I've read about. She never had any remorse for any of her actions. She never apologized after treating me bad or making major lies. She had stolen from me sometimes but always denied doing it. She never seemed to feel bad about doing wrong. When I asked "How could you do something like that?" she would sometimes say "Because I have a good reason." or "How can you be such a cold liar?"..."Don't judge me as a liar. I'm not. Maybe I have a reason you do not know"


But what I can say is we did have an emotional connection...which psychopaths can't have??? she did the superficial fake smiling happy fun persona a lot...but yes we would connect during deep conversation and intercourse...she can't have faked that...she would be able to cry and feel hurt if I said something wrong to her, be joyful and super happy when I made her feel good...when she felt bad, she would try to drag me down as well...I asked her why...the answer was "I only want you to feel what I feel".
She probably didn't care about my well-being much, but she did care about attention and wanting me to love her...I'm not sure what that makes her

I would like to read stories from people having dealt with female psychopaths..I'm just trying to figure everything out and understand why...is she just a girl who likes to take advantage of people... am I nuts...I was totally blind when in this relationship, yet my gut feeling suggested a lot was going on, I just denied it and wanted everything to be real.

Thank you for reading. Can anyone relate to something like this?

-James

Hi James, welcome to our community, sorry for taking so long to respond.

They "say" there are less female Psychopaths in the world but since there is no concrete idea about how many there are out there I personally think there are just as many women. Maybe I am biased because I was slugged to the concrete by a female Psychopath.

Since lying is their stock in trade I would have to venture to guess that she never ever was pregnant. I know how you looked forward to being a father but if you read some of the many stories here about women who did indeed have children with a Psychopath partner you might look at this in a new light and be happy she wasn't pregnant. In no way do I mean to make this sound cruel but you would have been tied to her for the rest of your life if a child were involved. Think of the anguish of a child in the equation with her at the helm.

Naturally we can't diagnose her but I think you are in the right place to talk about things. By talking and getting support we can help you get past this and be armed with information so that you don't fall for another one in your lifetime, at least on an intimate basis.

I am sure you must be wondering why you, well, it equates to they pick really nice, caring and understanding people to victimize. Don't let her harden and take that away from you. Somewhere out there when you have healed first life will turn itself the right side up for you in any future relationships. This encounter and horror can protect you in the future.

If you click on the name of any member you can read their posts. Perhaps if you read some of the stories by people who are in the middle of custody or trying to raise a child with a Psychopath you will see that perhaps things have worked out in your favor.

There is nothing that you did wrong, you just got in the hooks of evil. We all want to think the best of people and cut them some slack. A Psychopath isn't wired that way and will never change. There may be a time down the road that she might return because many times they do but you will need to be prepared for what to do next. No contact of any time even if she shows up at your door pleading she will behave better. She won't and she can't, in their own minds they are the victims.

If you are comfortable, how did you meet her? It sounds like you set up some boundaries over money but she kept invading your boundaries by continuing to stay at your place etc.



This is a very common reaction. You think back to the "good" times and try to recapture them, it was all an illusion, they are great actors. They cannot love anyone but themselves.

Di

Hi and thanks a lot for your reply Diane..

I am here to try to understand, and to see what others have been going through.
I grew up with a father who had been harshly abused as a child. Every time he did even just a small mistake, such as forgetting to do something or not finding a tool his father asked for, he would get beaten. While he probably wasn't a psychopath (?), he was incapable of empathy and very judgmental and controlling. He only talks negative of other people and family and children, how they've become nothing, how useless they are and how they just wasted their life. He meant well in his "teachings" but was unable to realize the damage nor ever change.

Perhaps my history with my dad had such an impact on me that I would almost naturally attract an abusive person.

She was my first real girlfriend. I had briefly been with 2 women before. One of them was rather weird and I cut her off after I woke up to, seriously, 111 unanswered calls and 30something text messages. After I cut her off, all I got was insults and malice, but I suppose that is normal after a "break up" in most cases.




I was out with friends in a nightclub/disco in a high end place. I wasn't that talkative this night and had difficulties approaching women. My friend Daniel said to me "Hey man, look to your right" and there was this charming, cute, shy tiny woman giggling and looking at me.
I went over and talked to her, we flirted and got along well and got her number. A friend of her tried to drag her away btw, saying what I later found out was "He is too young, don't waste your time". I disarmed/befriended her friend though and so things were ok.
We texted and met up in another party place the next day. We got along really well and I suggested we went to her place as I wanted to see how she lived (and my place was bit of a mess at that moment and didn't want to bring her there).

I stayed with her for 2 nights and we had lots of fun. She would do nice things for me already. She would buy me food and treat me real nice, have her cousin cook for us, etc. It was all a lot of fun.

A few days later she texted she wanted to see me and I said OK come to my place. She had asked me what my favourite food was already, I had said "I love a good beef steak". When she came, she brought a container of food and said she cooked for me and wanted me to try her dish. It was beef steak, and a good one. The spell was set....

Hi James

I think my daughter is a psychopath, my story is here on the Forum.

Your former (I assume she is entirely out of your life) girlfriend's behavior fits what I've read (and experienced) about psychopaths. You may want to read "Without a Conscience" to get a more complete picture of the attributes. I expect you will recognize other behaviors...

In a way, you may consider yourself fortunate to have had the relationship that you did. I'm not diminishing the pain of your experience at all - I would have been numb for some time. But a psychopath has the capacity to inflict considerable and lasting damage (I now know from other contributors here), and you now have the capacity to recognize the traits. We don't want to go through life distrusting people who come into our lives - we would give up so much. We can still assume the best in people we meet, but just be aware.

My daughter is undergoing psychological testing, which will be completed finally this afternoon. Very few people on this Forum, if any, have had the opportunity to have their "Psychopath" assessed. Your girlfriend would never have agreed to it, as example, and it is expensive. Insurance not helpful, too. And then, many Psychopaths have misled and manipulated their psychologists and therapists. In fact, it can serve as an opportunity to hone their skills. Our psychologist, I believe and hope, is experienced and honing in on an accurate diagnosis. I told him at the outset that I wanted to know who I was dealing with, answered his questions, but did not try to impose any of my predispositions. So it will be interesting and valuable for me if he has been able to see through the clutter and smokescreens. I don't know why my daughter agreed to this, she may have wanted a challenge...

Thanks for sharing your experience. I know you came looking for answers, and I hope you get some clarity. But you also help people here - some who can not contribute - better understand their own situations. And maybe recognize their experiences as what they really are. The psychopath has a unique ability to make the "problem" yours, instead of something they created.

For what it's worth...

The last time I talked to her, things didn't turn out too great. She had promised to meet me somewhere to talk and give back something she had stolen from me (my laptop). I said I didn't want to see her if she didn't give back what was rightfully mine, right away. She lied again and didn't have it. She said she had given it to the security guard because it was heavy to carry. I went right over and talked to them, no, she only was carrying a purse...I just left and let it go, even she was following me down the street screaming at me.
About a week ago, I sent her an email.
I said I was sorry if I ever said something that hurt her feelings (I might have done this and taken after her a couple times...), that I didn't mean it and said her the best wishes in life and hoped she could find happiness in the future and the life she really wants. That I wasn't angry anymore and we'd just go our seperate ways.

This was one of the emails she wrote back (the other one was very long and full of personal BS that I deleted it right away):


...I'm not offended by these words and projections I never could relate to...I just think it's sad....

Monroe, thank you for sharing. I will read your story. I am also curious to her age. Will you share the results? I'll find the thread..

I agree that this can be an invaluable learning experience to have gone through...it's just...I trusted this woman with everything...my deepest secrets, my weaknesses and my strenghts..which she only used against me when the time was right.
She has a daughter. The father ran away before birth (can you see why? but still..) and she was struggling very hard as a single mom. After hearing about this and how she felt abandoned, I wanted to redeem her of that and show her that not all men are alike, and be there for her and do my part - whatever it would take - even it would be really hard for me.
I wanted to accept her for who she was and said she could always be herself with me and share anything, I would never judge...

I'm numb now..it's been a couple months since initial break up, she's still trying to contact me in an aggressive manner, but not as much...I predict I'll get some "I still love you..I never had anyone like you" soon...I suspect she might have another victim going on. I have messaged her guy-friends on facebook and also let her family know what she's done and capable of. Surely if confronted by this, she'll use her manipulative skills and turn it all around to look innocent, that I'm the horrible guy (which I have been second guessing some times) and so on...so I don't know what use it is...I just hope no one has to experience this...it scars and can damage character. I know I'm reduced by this, but will get back stronger and wiser soon.

-James

James, just one thought about what you wrote I wanted to share. And keep in mind that my experience is limited, so pls. take with a grain of salt... You wrote " I have messaged her guy-friends on facebook and also let her family know what she's done and capable of."

I'm not sue it's worth it to expose her to her circle of family and "friends". Even with your knowledge of her, you have no duty or obligation to share your experiences with them, forewarn them, etc. My gut reaction is that it may be best for you to just walk away, don't turn around to look. And yes, she will use what you wrote against you. Again, just my gut not knowing the situtaion(s). Can you just let her go?

^^Yes, and I do realize it might make me look bad - however we didn't share common friends nor strong family ties. She is super pissed that I informed them and says she's lost friends because of that... I also put up a blog so that any potential guys who google her name, will find that and can email me if they have questions.

Note, I only wish she could be happy and really hope she might be someday...and live in harmony with the world...she has way more enemies than friends, and sometimes blurted out plots to hurt someone she didn't like. I always told her, even you feel bad or someone did bad to you, the good act is to either ignore them or be nice. If you do good things, you will receive good things in return. Bad acts only leads to misery. She didn't understand what I meant about this...
I just want to spare anyone if possible..or if she'll ever change I hope she can have a nice family life...but not like this now...

I will let her go, the only hard part is all the questions I'll never get answer to - things I really cared about - was she ever pregnant, did she have a plan from the start, was the good times and feelings we shared ever real...and so on. I have always been able to handle the cold hard truth...but even now if I asked her "Did you steal my laptop?" she would say "No, I did not" even there were 15-20 witnesses seeing her run away with it into a taxi. When caught in a blatant lie, it was always deny, it was ridiculous to have my intelligence insulted, time after time, when I knew how obvious things were
No guilt, no remorse, no apologies. The funny things is she would always say a quick "sorry" when accidently dropping a coin to the floor or if I bumped into her slightly and meaningless things. However after I found out she had deceived me into thinking she threw away her old sim-card and didn't have contact with other exes/suitors, when she verbally abused me saying the worst, when she broke plates and glasses, there was never any sorry.
"You pushed me to do those things. It was your fault"

I'm well in the healing process but it was just a couple of days ago I started to think...she's unable to control this, she couldn't help but lying. She was pretending/faking too much. There were too many false compliments (I have self-insight and know of my shortcomings, in a confident way). Like "wow, that's such a nice sweater. It makes you look so good" when it's an old worn out piece of clothing I was only wearing because the other stuff was in the laundry.

So I'm reliving some thoughts and experiences while posting here. I'll be able to let go.. my friends and family are on the other side of the world, so I haven't been able to talk to someone about my experiences in person yet.

Thank you for reading and understanding...

-James

Another interesting observation I made;
She was never scared or intimidated. Early in the relationship when she absolutely refused to leave my place and really I saw this wasn't a girl I wanted to be with, I tried everything. Nothing worked of calm sweet talk or "If you don't leave, I'll have to call security...please let's do this the easy way, I know you have family in the city so you have somewhere to go". I'm about 2.5x her size, 6'3", and she would never be scared. Instead of being frightened I was gonna become violent, which sadly is what I tried to do at one point as last resort, she would rather scream insults at me and hit me as hard as she could.

I tried to get security to get her out of my place as well. To this when they arrived, she would lay down in the middle of the floor, completely naked, and play unconscious.

I'm an educated medic, so I went to do first aid on her to make sure she was alright. When we examine unconscious people, at one point we check for disability when suspicious of possible damage to the head/brain. The way we do this when they are not responding at all, is to give a firm pinch&twist on the inner side of thigh where there are plenty of nerves, or to rub the middle of the chest with knuckles.
This is to get a response of how comatose they are. Having done this tons of times in the army, not a single person has been able to fake this or ignore the pain (even when they were supposed to during practice). Even dead drunk persons who have passed out will give a response.
Not her. She didn't move a muscle. Didn't twitch even her eyelids. Absolutely no sign.

The determination of this person when she wanted something, was truly fascinating. Alright think I should do something productive or fun instead of dwelling on this. Cheers guys..

-James

James, you wrote "I also put up a blog so that any potential guys who google her name, will find that and can email me if they have questions". Seriously, James?

I would agree that you are well into the healing process based on that, but being vindictive with a psychopath in this manner can be very dangerous, you must know this. She can absolutely hurt you (physically, otherwise), James, and she may. My Psychopath always gets the last word, always...

You did not ask for my advice, but I feel strongly that you should remove the disparaging blog, and completely move on. Remember that a psychopath has no conscience. And ask yourself what you gain from humiliating this woman, other than personal satisfaction of getting even. Let her future boyfriends figure her out on their own, imo, it's really not your job.

Yes I understand what you are saying. But what purpose does that serve them? To go through the same experience? She has improved now and learned a lot from experimenting with me, because I almost always stood up to her manipulations. Except the ones which exploited my true desires and weaknesses. I wouldn't budge and give in to for example donating money or buying her something she really wanted. Because I had firm beliefs and boundaries on that.
I worked a lot on myself the past few years, my integrity and self worth - knowing how to avoid getting exploited by people. Developing stronger integrity, confidence and becoming a better man. So what if she finds a weaker (sadly, nicer) man with less dignity? I lost about 70% of my net worth while with her. I can't put words as to how or why. I just wasn't able to work nor think clearly. I have a decently profitable job online but at times I felt so drained I couldn't do it, or her subtle attention seeking drew me away and devastated my efficiency. It really is hard to put into words and explain. Obviously, I might have been weaker than I expected to be. Self insight is hard.

I care about the well being of my neighbor. I am fine with dying now (and I realize it sounds weird/emo), because I have experienced everything I wanted in life already, so self safety isn't that important. Males don't know about abusive women. They hear phrases like "all womens are psycho, deal with it" which is retarded. Women are emotional and different from men, yes, and it can be challenging to deal with. But not like this. I am pretty sure this is one of the reasons female Psychopath aren't reported. And another reason is that some men are wussies that wouldn't imagine deflating their ego admitting they were being used as a tool by a woman. Because that's how society views it.

If I posted my thread in another forum, the responses I would get would be;
"Lol grow up loser"
"Does your vagina hurt now?"
"Just be a man you fkin emo"
"Grow a pair"
"You must be terrible dealing with relationships. I suggest you become a hermit"

And so on. Those were improvised but probably accurate.


-I will add I was warned. On 1 or 2 occasions by outsiders. Problem was, they struck me as people with low credibility. I might elaborate further later. When confronted she would say "What? They are just gossiping. It is what they do. You believe them over me? You don't even know them" and things like that. Sadly, they were right.

Thanks Monroe.

-James

Diane;

If you are reading this.
I am looking for blogs or articles/posts from psychopaths/ASPDs who know/realize what they are. I cannot PM. I am extremely interested in viewpoints of these different humans. Hopefully honestly, yet I expect naturally even in an anonymous blog they would probably exaggerate/lie or be grandiose about themselves/their worldview. In any case, it would be super interesting. I don't want to read the psychoanalyzed version of being a psychopath. I want it first hand. I want to hear it from the source.

Any such knowledge or links that are confirmed or appear genuine, PM me or post here. Not looking for biased interviews in general. I'm looking for actual thought processes and world views of ASPDs. How they feel in everyday life, what they want to achieve, the uncensored material.

Hi James,

First I must agree with Monroe about blasting her information online. When someone is in the "honeymoon" stage things will fall of deaf ears and give them more of the victim image that they live by. You will not have any gain but more reminders of your terrible relationship. You said that people tried to warn you to no avail.

There are forums out there who allow Psychopaths to post. There is also a group of self proclaimed Narcissists online. We don't give out links to other forums. I had to make this decision many years ago since this was the first online support group, we do our own thing. Some forums encourage people to name the Psychopath in the life with their actual name and photos, we don't operate that way. Same reason we don't allow Psychopaths to post here. What could you possible extract from a person who lies as easily as they breathe? I no longer even read their emails when they challenge being banned because they claim to be a Psychopath. I have no interest in communicating with evil. I doubt anyone in our community would appreciate being overrun with a bunch of self proclaimed Psychopaths or having any communication from them or with them.

I hope you will think about your position for telling the world about her. If you continue you will only be keeping yourself on her radar screen.

She may not be your size but she is still to be considered dangerous so why keep in her range of target?

Seeking revenge may sound like a good idea but consider who you are up against. Will the time and energy help you to heal?

I understand and can feel your pain from your posts and we are here to support you, only you can make the decision to pursue any revenge against her. I have never seen or heard that tactic works, it only keeps a person stuck in a cycle of evil.

I am sure there are many men who are in your situation that read because you can tell by the views vs. the posts, that is why the forum is open for anyone, registered or not to read. You are getting your message out by your posts and for that we are are thankful because your words reach a wide audience.

Talk to us, take out your frustrations but please try and think about the implications of "exposing her".

Di

Please try to understand. This isn't revenge...it's attempted prevention. I can tell you reacted strong, and likely with good reason. I understand she is who she is, and will possibly always be that way. If there was anything I wanted for her, it was for her to be happy and to be "cleansed", live a magnificent fulfilling life. I used to love this woman, I tried to understand her and I felt sorry for her. I wanted to show her the way to happiness isn't through malicious actions. But being good natured in a true way. I have never been able to see the world in black and white. I didn't use to believe in "evil" people, merely that they have a reason for being the way they are, whether from society or childhood, something that happened - someone that taught them in a wrong way...I just see gray zones. I don't believe in saints, - people aren't perfect. Even great, positive, influential people have their dark side....maybe this is why I felt so much affection for my Psychopath...I tried to see all her good sides, and to show her that by being her genuine self and a person with good intentions, the world would love her back. I guess I was wrong...

Hi James,



I think being able to love like you did isn't necessarily wrong in the slightest way, just the wrong person. They are predators and skilled at manipulation beyond what a rational person can imagine. Without a conscience all bets are off in regards to what they might do. Revenge is really their motive, that is why it sometimes is best to step out of the range of revenge knowing that Psychopaths all love the revenge part.

I know your intentions are based in goodness to advise others about her but I am concerned to what it might do to you in the process. Maybe this is one of those things we can contemplate more clearly what our actions should be when we have healed first. You have a voice, it is a matter of how you choose to use it.

Di

Thanks for being so understanding, Diane. I could tell my story to a hundred random people. They wouldn't understand. They would say it is normal for women to be somewhat dramatic, that I was weak and let her walk all over me. It was just strange...

There were times, probably about 5 of them, when I was taking a break and having brief moments of clarity...in my mind, I was thinking "OK what is this, really. This is quite clear. She's been using me all along. It is obvious. She's constantly lying and disrespecting my personal space. She has an agenda. This is obvious, I have to get out. For my own sake".
Somehow, she sensed this I think every time I was thinking like this. She would say "Hey, what are you doing? I'm worried about you. Don't think too much. If you think too much, you will go crazy. It's not good". She would either say that or start feigning being sick. It is strange. The perception of these people, they are so good sometimes at interpreting body language and knowing what the other person is about...

When I woke up today...I felt pretty bad. I went to take a shower, and thoughts struck me..."Maybe I'm just projecting it all onto her. Maybe I'm the psychopath. Maybe I'm the wrong doer?" it was so twisted. I know I have mistakes and sometimes I feel resentful and capable of prejudice and if I'm angry I might say something bad. It became so twisted. My inner voice was saying "You are exaggerating. This is normal. Maybe you are the evil one".

I just don't get it. I can't understand having pure malicious intentions. What is the point? There is nothing rational about it. I am a thinking person and I have seen a lot of different parts in the world. I just don't believe in true evil.
It is however dawning upon me now...slowly...the feeling is weird. That it was all pretend. Pretend every day, all the time. The stories were never real. Every time we were apart and she said she went to "visit her sister", I'm about 85% sure she did something else...

I'm writing a bit long responses..I am drinking rather frequently lately. I started remembering stories and conversations we had.
I particularly remembered two

I am a humorous guy and I'm quite open minded. We were at a concert together and I asked her "So. Have you ever had someone propose to you?" - "Yes. 3 times (lie but probably once). I remember my ex Ian. He really loved me. It was strange. I didn't care about him that much but he was rich.... I remember when we were having sex. He would tell me he loved me. I didn't feel the same way. It was funny, sometimes when we were making love, he had tears in his eyes
She said this in a way of bragging. I didn't think much of it then and laughed it off together with her.

Another time. This is a little freaky...
She was always asking for us to take a picture together when we were in an amusement park. I don't care for pictures at all, and I said "What's the point. We are together right now enjoying, that's what matters. I don't want an overpriced picture". She would say "Well actually I like pictures. I have pictures of all my exes" - "Really? I thought once you ended a relationship, the first thing you wanted was to move on and forget about them." - "Remember when you were in my place the first night together? Over my bed there, I had pictures of all my exes. 6 of them" - "Really? Like some kind of trophy? Haha...well if you are bringing someone there, if they see that they are gonna freak out" - "Yes, my neighbor said they were gonna think I'm crazy. So when you visited my place, I took them down" - "Heh, you're such a freak". The conversation went like that, and I didn't really think of it at all.

Till I realized now, she keeps trophies of her victims. Take care I'm a bit drunk and rambling a bit...