I said he could rarely go 2or 3 months being nice, that was after he would disappear for months on end, then those 2 or 3 months upon his return he was So nice but then back to mean, it was daily or every 2 or 3 days he would gaslight, start a fight.. the longest he ever tried to get along was about 9 months to a yr at one of the points, of which was wonderful but in the end that he said was way too much effort for him as he truely wasn't, "happy." At that point he wanted to leave (again) & I SO just wanted him Gone.. it had turned into the whole thing just a big joke. Again I have never experienced this with another human...
I also always owned a car before I met him & during we had a vehicle but I can't even afford one now.. which is fine, I will get it figured out, all of this but the total of the destruction & what I have had to deal with (of which he so conveniently left all of it to me, divorce, bankruptcy, etc..).. has been very heavy of a cross & esp since I am disabled.
I think maybe that fact was extra + to a pychopath, let's pick on someone who could really be crushed if he (ex h Psychopath) left.. seems I read they do like the vulnerable & those that are kind (of which I am). I so do not like to hurt others but I am Extremely upfront in dealing with others.. I am not passive aggressive.. again, I think it's far better to be direct when able, with consideration.. but people appreciate that generally speaking & if they don't at least my conscious is clear that I am not into DRAMA or desirous of being suicidal or in any mindset for that affect! Anyways.. just more thoughts..
It is very recent that any goodness seems to be slipping from me as to the memories knowing that he never tried to work at this or stick it out.. it was all such a foresaken burden & waste .. to ex h Psychopath.
ugh.
oh well...

I read these posts and I have come to a conclusion - that Psychopaths make you act like them.
I was really suicidal in the relationship and after. But it wasn't ever a manipulation on my side - on his though - yes. He would once grab a knife and say he is going to kill himself now...
Such things literally blow your mind. You cannot think anymore.

Anyways, what I can remember very well are certain fights, where he would push me to the edge with his gaslighting and screaming at me, and I would tell him to just stop it and leave, and then he would always do sth really mean or say things that would make me freeze for a moment, coz I couldn't comprehend the evil that they were, and then he would leave me like this, totally damaged, with my brains all shattered and just go...
I would burst into tears and just try to connect it all and look for answers, but how do you do that when your mind is never gonna comprehend what they do! So I was getting more and more suicidal, and he just would not care. He just left me there to die! And he would not speak to me for some time, can you imagine that?
Normally people, when they say too much, because we all can lose it sometimes - we go and apologize! This is normal behavior... But Psychopath - no- in their case its all manipulation and they dont give a ... if you die.

Later though, he would convince me that he never wanted to be with me in the first place, and he stayed with me only because I "manipulated him"! Coz he was afraid that Id hurt myself...
Not to mention - these were MY exact words that I'd say to him after fights and him going drinking and getting into fights and making it look like he's gonna just go and drink himself to death.

NewBird, that is exactly so. That is how someone who worked in a secure unit, with psychopaths, described it to me.

The freezing, I've had that, you've had that, the therapist had that. Because what they do is all about the attack, constantly, all the time, unrelenting. What they want it for you not to be able to connect thoughts together, for you not to be able to connect mind and body, mind and physical action. So you can't think, you can't even move. That's how they get their advantage and how they keep their control over you.

When I was trying to describe how it was to my own counsellor, I said I was like one of those people in the film Alien, alive but barely conscious, and barely able to move as I was trapped in this gunge, which made it difficult for me to move and which kept me suspended in this half existence.

So, for me, as I worked it out, my recovery is all about the opposite of what he tried to do. Where he was all about disconnection and death, I would make my life about connection on every level. It might be a small thing, like the luxury of a complete train of thought from start to finish, or having good, strong friendships. Just being conscious and aware and present is all about connection and the opposite of what he tried to do

The one I'm struggling is, is connecting with my body. I'm really frightened of it (PTSD, IBS, panic attacks). But I'm working on it, and I will keep moving forwards, even if it's only one tiny step forwards in one month. I know I'm moving further and further away from him and everything that he represents.

Newbird,

Yes, it is crazy the gaslighting.. I remember how he would start arguements or upset me to point that I would break (cry or whatever) because of his stupid arguing which was continual.. since it's harder for me to get out, I do & can but it's not as easy as me just jumping in car, when we were together that depended on weather & etc.. so I so wanted to be able to leave .. often he would leave & for hours on end, of course not to mention the months that he would disappear (we were married too which was INSANE)..

& yes, normal people get upset when there are arguements but normal people CARE that the other is hurting, even if they take a break, for a bit to cool off... they come back to make sure everything is alright & try to work at whatever the problem is but that is true a psychopath LIKES IT to see others suffer.. it would make him happy when I was upset at him for gaslighting/ being mad, etc., that gave him a charge.. whatever made me really hurt or upset he did that much more which is NOT NORMAL.

The very fact I was alive I think bothered him a lot of times.. My suicidal ideation at times which was mostly at the end of it as I was so tired of the games after nearly 5 yrs of his b.s. .. I didn't understand why it was so difficult for him to get along. I have never before or since met anyone like this.

There are people that are more difficult in their desire to get along but I'd never met a soul so intent on keeping things upset to that degree.

Too I guess I am thinking that I really didn't want to kill myself as such but I wanted to die badly toward the end of his being with me because the pain of his being angry with me all the time, which like I say for normal people there are disagreements & upsets at times but most work on whatever it is... to get along better.. not in some sordid attempt to cause more pain.
Before he left the last time I was convinced that he had absolutely no desire to work at our marriage. I knew I had done eveything humanly possible, I would ask to give him a hug, I would tell him 100 times I loved him & I wanted things to work, I would give him time to cool off & ask that we talk about whatever it was.. nothing worked. I exercised, ate healthy, vol, went to church, prayed daily, loved being domestic & caring for & about us.. what more was there to do? I was game for whatever to get things right but when he was right there to make sure that he would be mad at me regularly/ start arguements for no partiuclar reason, leave on a regular basis for months at a time without letting me know where he was or contacting...

sticking me with all of the bills during these times & then afterwards in total.. I mean really..
I finally got it toward the end, it did click that this person had NO intention of wanting us to work.
It was fruitless & pointless.

When he left for the last time, I told him he was worthless.. I was so disgusted at him & how he was leaving me in the debt (again) & how he never tried.. the whole thing to him was a joke, my life, our life together, just a joke. SO.. I really can't imagine someone in that situation that we go thru in these things with Psychopaths wouldn't be suicidal at least the thought of wanting to die.
I can't remember saying it to him at least on more than or two occassions, I may have said that I wanted to die, but not that I would kill myself .. I am Christian & suicide is a sin so I would not actively pursue suicide.. BUT.. oh my gosh.. I think you all know what I am trying to say.. it is so overwhelming that the idea of death is more tollerable than to live with someone that refuses to be amicable & get along.

What you say Newbird, I do know that at times I would try to dish out to him what he did to me but that always backfired. So it was pointless.. He could be a jerk ongoing.. & of course I was not someone who could pick up & take off for lengths of time.. I didn't have anywhere to go.. as to moving or leaving for months on end!
My friends I had prior, I lost contact with over the months & months of his sending me away.. when he left for last time I did see some that were wanting to reconnect.. but I lost touch with many that I never did try to reconnect with. It is still painful, the aftermath & I feel I am working yet on the repairing of my life in an overall sense. To regain what I lost is not easy..if I weren't disabled it would be far easier..
but still.. I know there are stories too where a person looses so much & whether it's working fulltime, disabled, whatever the reason it's hard to start over!
He seems allergic to the hard work, constancy which is a normal part of anything worthwhile, he seems to get his charge in keeping things offbalance..

Mine self-injured but never made an actual attempt. Its a game they play to for sympathy and attention