Well, I remember finding this forum months ago and meaning to type out my story, but I have a midterm tomorrow and I would like any help anyone can give me. I'll try to think of everything that could be relevant...and I apologize as I'm sure somewhere there is a thread already of a similar topic.

I have been in a relationship with him (let's call him S) for almost 4 years. We are long distance right now, after living together for a couple of years. He is in the military, a couple hours drive away from me. I tried to break up with him 2 nights ago, and he threatened to kill himself. He said he would text me pictures of his knife if I said I didn't believe him. He kept saying, "choose, right now, say yes, you will stay with me or I will kill myself right now, how hard is it to make this decision?"

I have never been one to take threats of suicide lightly. I have, many years ago, tried to commit suicide, once, and I have multiple friends who I've had to talk down, and friends who have tried, thankfully none that have been successful.

But as I was talking to one of my girlfriends about it, she says she doesn't believe he will do it, and I am aware that this is a manipulation tactic commonly used by people like this and frequently it is just to scare the other person into doing what they want.

So back to two nights ago, I told his platoon-mate (R) through text that I was worried S was going to hurt himself because I was trying to break up with him and he was threatening to. R goes to check on S while S is on the phone with me, and S shoos R away and says everything is fine. I told R I didn't want S to be kicked out of the army, but I didn't know what to do. He said, well I will check on him in the morning, but there is nothing I can do right now. So I told S that yes I would stay with him.

I also told him that he should realize I am only staying with him because of what he threatened. S said he didn't care as long as we were still together. For the last 2 days he is acting as if everything is normal and I keep telling him that I can't pretend everything is normal after what he has threatened and manipulated me in to.

I know what it is like to feel suicidal and I feel horribly guilty and awful about all of this. If he is not serious, I don't want a whole ton of crap to go down because I told the military police. I just want him out of my life. I am miserable...

But if he is even the tiniest bit serious, and I have not told anyone, I know it would not be my fault if he did something, but, wouldn't I be at fault for not telling someone who could do something about it? His life is not a risk I want to take...

Do I contact the military police? Do I contact his parents, who are about 3 hours away from him? Do I ask R to contact the military police? I don't know. My close friends I have told about this say that I should not tell anyone, break off all contact with S, and that he is straight-up definitely lying and will not do anything. But I don't know.

Thanks for taking the time to read.

Hi domdjo, welcome to our community.

From my own person perspective those that threaten suicide rarely carry it out. It is those that are depressed and don't speak of suicide that should be of more concern.

I have to agree with your friends, drop the guy like a hot rock. He is playing on your kindness, it is just a tactic to get you to stay with him. What would be the worst thing if he did commit suicide? It certainly wouldn't be your fault or anything you have done.

Personally I wouldn't report him or get involved, it could backfire on you if something should happen to his position, imagine how vile he will be if you are the one who gets him into a situation not of his liking.



I think your friends are giving you some very wise advise. Run and don't look back, this guy has red flags all over him.

Di

I get angry and sad reading things like this...It's such a terrible way of manipulating...

They are keeping themselves alive through our empathy
That's the Psychopath way of surviving.

And since they wouldn't care if we made a similar threat, I'm sure they are fine with doing this since they feel superior that they don't have this thing they think of as weakness; our humanity.

Having been in the army myself, it is extremely hard to commit suicide there if anyone wanted to. Surrounded by people 24/7, medically qualified personnel are always nearby as well. There are headcounts several times a day and depending on the unit, at night as well.

It's just manipulation.


Get out...just get out of this and let him go forever

I had such a difficult time dealing with the thought/knowledge that my dad was now hurting other people, and would continue to do so for the rest of his life. I felt I bore the responsibility for everything he did and it really weighed on me. It was one of the hardest things for me to come to terms with.

My (very non interventionist) therapist told me time and time again that his actions were his responsibility and his alone. It was about the only piece of advice she ever gave me, as she liked me to work things out for myself. But yes, you are not responsible for his actions. Only he is ever responsible for his actions.

domdjo

I'm assuming you've also seen ASPD characteristics in your former boyfriend. If he is, in fact, a psychopath, he is definitely spinning a tale with his threats. Just a perceived means to an end. This comment he made seems so typical to me "I also told him that he should realize I am only staying with him because of what he threatened...S said he didn't care as long as we were still together". So, he's already lost you, but he still wants to be able to keep you in his distorted, controlled reality. He will not take his life, he just used the best "tool" that he had to keep you.

It will be hard to keep him away, possibly. And you may end up needing a restraining order (this is speculation on my part, admittedly). But I view his need to keep you in his sphere as the bigger problem going forward. He needs to move on, and that may be a challenge for you both.

My ASPD daughter has threatened suicide when she could not get what she wanted. Last time, she walked upstairs with a long carving knife. I just went up and got it. I didn't hide it, she just went about planning another approach to get what she wanted. I doubt she'll ever threaten suicide again soon, she knows I won't buy it. imo, if someone is capable of committing suicide, they are not a psychopath.

One thing I learnt also, is never to judge a psychopath by the standards of my own behaviour. They have another agenda entirely, not the one most (normal) people have.

So this really stood out for me:



To me, it seems that you're judging him by how you have felt in the past.

And I bet you he is more than aware of that and using it to try and enmesh you in his web.

When my girl didn't get her way...In retrospect I will say that all she wanted was very basic short term stuff and needs. I always wondered what she was after. It's getting apparent now. It was just food, shelter, sex and someone to take care of her and give validation. If I didn't give her attention or "love", she would go to extremes. Make drama, pretend she was sick or ill, start crying, start saying how bad I was treating her.... When I was busy with my own stuff, a few times she went and grabbed a knife and said "I can't live like this anymore...I'm gonna kill myself". Yes of course I got upset and it gained her attention. It was a last resort kind of thing.

I am starting to realize now that this was never "love". I am not sure if I can ever experience love. I don't know if I can let anybody get that close again...

WOW that's pretty much what ex h would say about me, but it is about as far from the truth as one could get. He said this about his ex before me as well. I was wife #3.
& I am NOT into drama.. AT ALL that is one reason I am OK single.. cause I do not like drama / would rather make sure things are orderly & not dramatic.. so good that he is no longer here = no drama! His life is constant drama.. I mean constant.

I waited my entire life to marry & was waiting on purpose & have a pension from when I worked so I didn't need anyone to care for me either physically or financially. I was Extremely & still am Very independent. In fact I am too much this way a lot of time.. He would say that all I wanted was sex, which I had to laugh & still do if it comes to mind because again I waited to near age 50 to marry & am very much able to control my, "being," as a single person! Again I waited to marry on purpose. Just as now I have had plenty of opportunities to date/ go steady even since he left but I am not healed enough .. it really doesn't appeal to me. My desire was to marry, for life & love... so I did that.. Anyways when he left he told me I just wanted him for sex.. I laughed & said I most certainly would not have married you.. as he didn't offer such to me on any regular basis & used it (withholding) as abusers do.. also with affection.

He constantly gaslighted.. to start fights.

I was very busy being domestic, & got out to vol & go to church & stayed very busy from the time I got up to time I went to bed, but he rarely went anywhere then he would blame me to say I held him back. I cannot tell you all how hard i tried in that marriage, I busted my.. & when I do think about the life I could have had with someone else, a man that did genuinely love & care about me..

He saw me as a drama queen or that is what I know he would tell others because he almost every other day would start huge fights then not speak to me for hours & at times days on end.
He left 6 times total. Up & moved, @ drop of hat & left me stuck with all the bills & I had no contact with him. All of this after we were married.

The whole of it was a JOKE. to him.. I had SO MUCH before as to friends & stability.. People loved talking with me & sought me out.. He I know would tell everyone he comes in contact with I was desperate & married him as such. Like I say the whole of it was insane. He also told people he took care of me, which was a lie. I did the cooking, cleaning & the bulk of all in the house that had to be done. He took out trash & swept once a month, at times he did laundry.. that was shared. I did most all of the cooking & dishes, tidying up around the house.. I LIKED doing it. I also Loved being married & sharing a life with someone I loved. What sickens me to no end is that this man never ever appreciated me & to him I was merely a cutout, paperlike 2 dimensional. So the crap he told me for so long .. about how all of these dreams we would share & on & on was again a Lie. He never put the consistent effort into it.
My own crying /tears was oftentimes because he was angry & would not speak.. for hours/ days.. would leave, over & over.. so I had to continually restart my life/married/single/married/ he would do this back & forth.

To even hear the story from me is like there are two different planets one is speaking from.. I was happy, even though he was at home a lot/ most all of the time.. I still wanted to stay married & work through all of these things. When he got mad I would ask if we could discuss.. he never wanted to work on or through anything.

I have no idea who you are James whatsoever.. it doesn't matter to me in a literal sense..
but just hearing what you say.. not knowing your situation, it makes my stomach upset because ex h would say all of these things about me when he is the one that was ongoing & always upset with me.

Why in the world he ever stayed with me from the beginning I have no idea because seriously ? the person wasted 5 yrs of my life, hands down. I had so much more before we met. In every way. I continue to grow in my life.. I am very happy alone as in I have no intention of being with another man.. as I waited my entire life to marry.. I am a very strong woman with many interests & motivated to continue staying busy & get my life together.. but to have him walk away as if I was a 0 to him is the most insulting experience I have ever had. EVER. I can tell you without a doubt the men I dated before him would say nice things about me & for yrs would continue to seek me out.. in fact I have one now that called yet today & ongoing, he was getting serious & I have known him a long time.. I put distance there.. I am in no way desparate..

The drama queen part I know he would say about me which also I find humurous.. as I am very much into fitness/health, staying busy as able.. I am college educated. He does not have a high school diploma, though his IQ is high.. he was on disability & didnt' vol & rarely went anywhere.. & would say he was taking care of me.. no, those that know me said distinctly that I was caring for him.. hands down.

& they also said how lazy he was.. & dangerous because of what he did to me & in total.
I volunteered, did housework, was happy, exercised, ate healthy.. went to church.. amidst being dumped by him on a regular basis, my husband.. who treated me by far worse that I could ever imagine any human being treating me or anyone. I really am mistified by it all. I don't care, I don't have any ANY good feelings in hindsight about it.. because it was all one sided..

I truely wished he had not been in my life. Although I loved him (even though he would say he never loved me back / but to my face it was different so was all the other stuff he said to my face then other stories to other people).. what was the point? I wasted 5 yrs. when I could have been with another man.

I can think of other men that I would have loved & loved me back in a much more easy & fruitful relationship/marriage.. I have dated some nice looking men (to me nice looking).
I know I never picked up a knife.. so I can't relate to what you are describing with the woman you talk about.. as to threatening.. with all I went thru it is a miracle I didn't commit suicide, many a woman that would have been thru that would have.

One night it was way below zero & I asked him if I could wake him up if I got too cold, the power was out.. he said no.. then proceeded to get angry with me. I was terified.. I had no ability to get help that night if I had needed it.. those were the scenerios I dealt with continually with him or being stuck on a plane, me & my wheelchair across country to go to?

It was INSANITY. TOTAL INSANITY. but yet he would want to come back.. do it all again...
to leave saying he wasn't happy. The whole thing was a game. Start to finish.

My friends that I do have & before this person.. we have our lives, boundaries, interests, there is no drama.. IF there is on a RARE occassion it's dealt with maturely & no big deal.. there are no big breaks in my friendships with others, family.. we all get along well. Nothing is perfect or ever will be. That's ok.

At least I have that part of my life back again. The rest which was absolutely destroyed as to prior friendships I had before we met, many of those I do not have back.. so the destruction from what happened because this man had no intention of being there with me.. till death do you part was a joke to him.. as he goes thru many wives...
I'm not sure about your relationship with the woman you were with...
In all honesty I don't think well at all of the person I was married to .. there is no character at all in him because of what he did to me. If I hadn't wanted to be with someone I would walk away.. easy enough.
I'm fine alone. been alone most of my life but for dating steady at times & moreso earlier on.. but friendships ARE important to me, consistancy, my faith, loving those that are in my life & taking good care of myself that I am able to do so.

The most sickening part.. to me.. is to spend all that time with someone who feined one thing then turned it into a nightmare.. of which he would not own any part of it.. There was NOTHING good to him about me, or the experience.. NOTHING. Now to sit with that, from being married to a psychopath is very difficult to swallow. I meant nothing to him. NOTHING. That's pretty tough to digest.

I'll live.. I'm doing ok considering, waited my entire life to marry & now divorced, bankrupt & disabled...
At least there are those that do love me & care & I have my own life.. which is what it was before him.. jsut that now I am totally broke & starting over... I'll be ok (without Mr. DRAMA KING!!!).
He wouldn't allow stability in our lives if someone paid him.. or he would have walked with that money too.. LOL
ugh.

Good day all..

I do think it's terrible about how your girlfriend faked the pregnancy..

I remember once I thought I was pregnant when we were married & when I told him, I got pregnancy test, I was excited. Even disabled & middle aged I was thrilled that maybe I was pregnant with my husband's child.. I knew it wouldn't be easy but early on we talked about the what if's / he was game for any & all at the start, he had so many ideas/ dreams we shared.. in the beginning..

but then when I told him & he did believe that I was, he had a melt down & thought he was going to have a nervoud breakdown, he got down on his hands & knees shaking.. he was so distraught.. I was joyous thinking, I am married & we will get through this, I was ok. Most certainly I would not have wanted to loose the baby.. I waited my whole life to marry on purpose that I was commited to making it a good marriage, even if we were pregnant. He had this meltdown & I had a feeling if I had been pregnant, I found out later I wasn't, that he would never have been able to deal with it. Of course I am sure of that now.. because he couldn't stay with me more than a # of months at a time without bolting. The whole thing was about him..
He never would stay long enough for us to work through anything. It is very typical psychopath/ malignant narcissistic behavior.

I remember too how I tried so hard all the time to make him happy.. I kept thinking maybe if I did this he would finally relax, be happy, stick around.. of course I was trying to take care of myself & my house when he wasn't here too & the bills & all I did before we met & now after.. but I did want the marriage.
What blows my mind again is how I really wanted all these things & was in it over 100% of myself.. but he NEVER WAS. EVER. He always had one foot out the door. Even my family says, he didn't have any intention of sticking around.. in hindsight.. it was a game to him. Just a game. He went away all the time, life is a game in his mind. Anyways, like I say, to me, it's just bizarre to have someone invest so much of my life & marry me to then in hindsight think I was just a looser. Heck even I was happy with him as to loving him & wanted to be married to him & would not have left him.. but to him, I was just a big looser, joke, nobody that he never loved. go figure.
Heck to know that I meant 0 to him? I am finally coming to grips with all of this too.
That I am realizing there is nothing to reminisce about really.. it was pretty much a waste of my time.
A person doesn't mean anything to a psychopath that is why they keep on moving on...
people are expendable.. Thank goodness he is gone now for good out of my life. The door is finally closed.
Now at least I do have people around me that are there for me & me them, no drama, just life, which is no picnic but that's ok. I am at peace, as I was & still am...
I cannot even imagine being him.. he would say I am a jealous person & I laugh to myself in that too.. jealous of what? no, I am happy, at peace, inspite of it all. Just wish he had not come around frankly to waste my time.. to have him do what he did to me.. I have no good thoughts about him.. not now.
why did he even come into my life. Iwish they would have a sign on themselves because their intent is not to stay.. am I ever paying a price for my mistake (marrying him). Like I say I was happy with him..
he was NEVER happy.. so he says.. thank goodness no drama King in my life anymore!
There is a God!

One more comment..I do like to write (he ... ex h Psychopath ) said I would write a book, well I did but only 1/2 of his prophetic came to pass as it never got published, it was our story, took me 3 yrs to write & a lot of work on my part, which I loved doing & was so excited about it all.. for what reason now I have no clue.. it was our story, of which is NOT.

Anyways in regards to drama.. I am allergic to this frankly as I have spent a good part of my life single it is NOT easy to remain single in fact it for me is much more difficult by far than my marriage because it is continual work to get out to be with others, make healthy friendships of which one can rely upon & vice versa.. it is hard work, well worth it but to have a well rounded life is with effort & time consuming, single! SO, the drama part I really don't get. I avoid it like the plague when I see others doing so. My degree is in the area of human services & I do like people but I also understand importance of boundaries. Closeness takes time to build & effort to maintain.

Psychopaths get close very quickly, they burn hot right away & with promising the world.. it is heaven for a bit.. then the reality comes crashing down when you are in, with them, the pull out all stops to cause pain, disorder... chaos. The LOVE drama. That is what really did spin my head totally. I believed he was sincere & eventually I gave my heart but it was nearly a yr before I felt commited. Then from that point the tables turned & it was this continual drama of his not being happy, sending me away, wanting me back.. PLEASE......... even online as I am at home a lot yet (my ability to get out is limited as transportation is not great & went up in cost & I am not at the moment greatly accessible to a lot of people.. so still rebuilding from the damage done)..
the drama stuff is a WASTE OF TIME in my mind. I am very Christian & love The Lord & would rather spend time in prayer than frivilous mind games with people... I appreciate sincerity, I volunteer, go to church when able & have visitors here at home & close to family.. When I start seeing games, I pull back, observe & am fully ready to detach & let go. With psychopaths they make sure to have you, "in," before the games begin.. then they are like a cat with a mouse..

The subject is suicide, I was suicidal when I was with ex h, particularly toward the end when he would go hours on end wihtout speaking & it was so frequent, every other day oftentimes, he could rarely go 2 or 3 months being nice, that is honeymoon stage, then it was game time, he would not get along .......THAT is what I avoid at all costs with people the game players & there are plenty.. some cannot stand to be alone & they will try to lure a person in to toy with them, screw with their brain.. The people that were & are now in my life are those that expect things of me, for me to be an adult, act like one, have my interests, take care of myself, if I need help then ask for help, & I am never allowed to overlean on ... because they love me they expect things of me, they are OK saying so, & I am as well. There are CLEAR BOUNDARIES...

The DRAMA is not acceptable to me.. it is not part of any healthy friendship. SURE if a person needs to talk & is sincerely having a difficult time & working toward doing what they can that is perfectly understandable & one in a supportive friendship is there for them... that is normal/healthy!!! But those that use illegal drugs, get drunk to fix their problems, the folks that seek to bandaid rather than work on being healthy, whatever that is.. for themselves & loved ones.. this drama stuff is for the birds.. anyone that is into it really I don't hang with any length of time, I am ok alone if need be as there are many that really do get it, being responsible, loving, genuine friends.

Even suicide.. there are suicide hotlines. .. one can call or get help.
When I hurt, because of ex h Psychopaths continual fighting, gaslighting, leaving, that was hilarious to him... absolutely a joke.

Even now.. if I mention to my folks I can see them shudder.. I know they are thankful he is gone. He was dangerous that he didn't care one bit about me, my welfare, my happiness.

I was SO happy with him.. I LOVED being married & to him & waited my entire life to do so.
But to even talk about it anymore it is becoming a waste of my time.. in many ways..
I meant nothing to him. nothing.
SO DRAMA... ditch it.. LOL.. what a WASTE OF TIME.

I talk about what happened at a place like this because that is what it is for. He is psychopath & this is a place I talk about psychopaths. I do pay close attention though to drama. There are a lot of people out there that are game players.. it is a big waste of time.

When I have a request or desire/need I share it.. but w/ psychopath ex h every request nearly of his time, or attention, in appropriate not interuptive times, was intrusion, insult, reason for arguement, DRAMA. He would NOT get along, ever. It was a GAME. I have never experienced this with another human.. the ones that even appear to be this way before him & after, I avoid like a plague.

My time is more precious & those that I love's is too.