I want to help my sister leave her mentally and possibly physically abusive husband. He is controlling and manipulative, telling her that he is going to change every time she is close to leaving him. I do not get to see her often because he basically keeps her as a prisoner. He tells her that her family is evil and that they do not care for her. He even accused my parents of talking bad about him. He needs to be center of attention, and if he is not he will try to make it that way. He has no job, his accuse is that he watches their one year old son while my sister is at work. She can not do anything without his permission. She cant even drive her own car.

He has done many malicious acts towards her and my family. He tests us to see what he can get away with, then usually after he gets caught he tells her that he is going to change. He told me that he was going to "rip me a new one". And when I relaid that message to my sister she just brushed it off and told me people have flaws... This is not the sister that I remember. I have only seen her 10 days out of this whole year and she lives 10 minutes away from my house.

She told me that she cant leave him because he has evidence against her. He has a recording of her sobbing and saying that she "just wants to die". He tells her everyday before she goes to work that he is going to leave and take their son with him. He takes her phone away from her and wont give it back. When she caught him lying to her, he locked her out of her house and told her that she needs to apologize.

Right now he is in the process of changing and my sister believes him again. My parents are fed up and feel powerless against the situation. Not to mention that my parents are also helping my sister financially, while he sits on his ass.
I want to try to talk to her privately. She needs a wake-up call and more will power to leave his vile insidious ass.
Any suggestions?

Oh God, serenity, this is soooo familiar.
He is a psycho, no doubt about that.
Her believing him is no odd too, it's typical.

I'd suggest some serious action. Being with a Psychopath is an addicion, and like every addicion, the person in question cannot beat it alone. The first thing you should do is get some good knowledge about psychopaths. Read every article, get a book if you can. And read about the victims, and Psychopaths techniques of manipulation. Then show it all to your sister, talk to her. First you need to make her feel secure. She is probably going through hell of manipulation there, and a total loss of dignity, she will not want to talk about it coz she is ashamed and probably thinks that no one will understand what she's going through. She needs to learn that there are milions of people who went or still go through the same. You might show her this forum. You will need to convince her that what is going on with her is totally normal. Even the smartest psychologists get deceived and manipulated by psychopats. The only way to get out is to admit that this is an abuse, and then take action to stop this abuse.

Whatever you do it is not gonna be easy. I know people who still stay in this sick relationships and won't leave, no matter how hard you try to help. But this is your sister, and if I were in your situation, I'd do anything to help.


We are all here for you so don't hesitate to ask about anything. We'll try and help as much as we can.

Thank you new bird, I will try to gather information to show her. I will keep you updated on the situation.

To be honest, I'm not sure about that tactic. This is what I did with my brother and it only succeeded in driving a wedge between us (we had previously been very close), and driving my brother further into the clutches of my dad. I don't have any contact with my brother now.

I would suggest talking to her and asking her how she's feeling. I would only go as far as saying that you are worried about her as she seems to have changed in the past year. That way you have opened up the dialogue and she feels that you are on her side. There is no judgement from you on the causes of why she has changed (although we all know the answer to that).

She needs to work it out for herself, and the best thing that you can offer is the time and space to allow her to do that for herself. This is what the psychopath is fighting against, time and space, because if someone has that, they start to think for themselves and connect the dots.

I would also suggest calling a domestic violence helpline and talking the situation over with them. You'll get some excellent advice from them as to how to handle the situation.

I'd also say that a push-pull situation, a 'them against us' scenario, is one that a psychopath tries to set up in order to get their victim on their side and to alienate other people (read, any one that might try and help 'the victim').

If you play their game, enter into their way of doing things, you're giving them the advantage. They've got lots and lots of experience in this. Conflict is what they thrive on.

My advice would be not to enter into this game. Make it all about how 'the victim' is feeling, what is going on in their lives (other friends, hobbies, work, other family), and not directly about the psychopath.

Hi Serenity,

Our family is in a very similar situation. It is my daughter who is married to a Psychopath. They have one child. We have one other daughter also.

We have been in this situation for 7 years now. I wish that I could tell you that gathering information and presenting it to your sister would work, but I have to agree with Starry on this one.

We have tried that over and over, and it only sent our daughter straight back to him. I have received so much kindness from this forum. Some of the first advice I received was to tell our daughter that we've concerned about her and that we love her. I pointed my daughter to this forum also and asked her to read it. (When I did that, I had some most of my discussions removed because I didn't want my daugher to see them). But, in the end she is still with him, believing his lies, putting up with his not working, spending every penny she brings in.

He doesn't work, and "watches" their daughter when our daughter goes to work.(We offered to pay for day care and he came up with a reason not to send her.) She isn't always allowed to drive the car - its really up to his mood whether she can or not. We also have helped them out a lot financially, but some time back we set up boundaries on that.

One time at the beginning of their relationship, he told us that our daughter would ALWAYS choose him over us. That has proven to be true, although we aren't trying to get control of her as he sees it - we want her to be free to move forward and be happy, and to protect our granddaughter from him.

I agree that you should find out all you can about psychopaths, but use that information to help you to interact with your sister.

With a psychopath, it is ALWAYS about them. So, for one thing, don't talk bad about him to your sister. Act kind to him when you see him. If she talks about him, listen politely and keep your opinions to yourself. Talk about other things with your sister, and stay nuetral about him. You don't have to act like you love him or even like him, just be kind like you would to any stranger, and stay nuetral. Then, it won't be as easy for him to create a "them versus us" scene. (I'm not saying he won't do it, it just won't be as easy.) Our son-in-law will make up lies about us to try to create that situation, but because we don't engage, our daughter doesn't get as worked up about it.

Another thing is to present things to them in a way that he will see it being to his advantage. I have two examples of what we've done - (we can see in hind sight that it has helped us to maintain a relationship with our daughter and granddaughter.) 1-He claimed that he didn't "care" if she goes to church, but they don't have the gas for her to drive there. So, we said we would be happy to pick her up. He found out pretty quickly that gives him free time, and as long as he doesn't feel threatened (losing control of her), he doesn't try to stop it. 2-When our granddaughter was just a few weeks old, our daughter was pretty sick, and we offered to keep the baby for a night to let them get some rest. He really enjoys that little break, so we were able to keep our granddaughter every weekend. Whenever something would happen that would make him feel threatened (one time as a baby, she clung to my husband instead of reaching for her dad), he would not let us see her. So, we learned to adjust to that, and play him up when they came to get her. She's four now, and he had an episode a few months ago, and now we just get her every other weekend. But, we just act like that's a great idea.

I advise you to get ready for the long haul - who knows how long it will take your sister to "see the light". Until then, do your best to maintain a relationship with her within some boundaries that you set. Hopefully one day we will both be able to say that our loved one is free and happy.

He sounds to me more borderline.. from what you are describing.
Does he not have any interests or activities outside of the home?

I know ex h Psychopath would accuse me of controlling him & he would say I never allowed him to go anywhere which was insane. He CHOSE to go nowhere & sit in front of computer day after day.
He could have worked doing something as he was very smart, he could have done an at home business but he would sit at home day after day (yr after yr) while I went out & volunteered, church, etc.

I realize they can be different in their nature. The one I was married to moved us so many times & across country that I lost touch with all of my support system & literally had to start over which I did. I got a volunteer job after we finally were in one place for a bit. Then I found a church to go to. He still wanted me gone more.. he acted like I was lazy, when I am disabled & was getting out & doing housework too.. He sat around day after day & then would say I was controlling him.

Then he'd leave & go back with his ex or leave /disappear for months, just pack & move.. no word then want to come back as if nothing would happen. Of course I wondered where he had been but I was never allowed to feel or stabilize with him.

I'm wondering if this man your sister is married to is borderline because I'm thinking that psychopaths usually want to be gone or they want their time alone. I know they are controlling in their words & their nastiness. They flip words & cannot maintain closeness.

Usually borderlines do not have an identity outside of the relationship. They cling to a partner without desiring to have activities of their own or a self identity in interests & friends/stability. I think borderlines don't desire the balance which is similar to psychopaths that they crave the inbalance of life..

Some of what you are saying sounds like things that Psychopath would say about me that were crazy/lies because he is the one that kept our lives offbalance as he never stayed or allowed any stability. He would cause arguements almost every other day.. then silent treatment for hours.
He never did keep any confidence I told him. He packed my bags on 3 occassions when I was across country, to make me homeless & he filmed me packing & in tears/totally upset because I had no home to go to. he would laugh. it was all hillarious to him. We'd go out & he would crank his head looking at women, it was something I have never before witnessed in a man.. way over the top from what I have ever seen, he thought he was normal & I was jealous/whacked. The whole experience was awful.. makes my skin crawl & stomach upset thinking about it. I had never been treated with such utter disgust by a man before. I do think how I could have been with someone who really cared.. I dated some very sweet men & I know they would never have acted like this. I went with a few guys for quite a few yrs & they never did this sort of thing. It was bizarre, to say the least.

The difference in the ones that are mentally not right, the borderlines & psychopaths are that they do not desire stability. Stable people take one day at a time & work to build their lives on a solid foundation, there's often drugs/alcohol with borderlines & psychopaths; they often go in & out of relationships /marriages quickly & have many affairs, often they are promiscuous.

I'm thinking psychopath would likely be trying to destabilize her more readily. I want to say something too.. I have read that many psychopaths will say their significant other is a borderline because of the way they treat them they end up so destabilized they can come across as unstable after a time. Being with a psychopath is crazy making, they do not allow for stability. If I am around anyone who reminds me at all of him (ex h) as to any of this I run the other direction fast. This overbearing know it all, I can fix you & your world.. uh No Thanks.

I pray you are able to have a relationship with your sister.. I would say likely she will have to see what is going on & make the needed changes. I think ex h would have ended up hurting me physically & I saw him loose it enough times to know that it was probably inevitable if he had stayed. ..

When I met psychopath he got close very quickly. I thought it was odd because I was not used to getting close fast to a guy.. it was my first marriage. He spent the better part of a yr trying to get me to believe he was the one.. I knew & I mean KNEW that it was different than what I had had before & I was VERY concerned.. I kept him at arms length for a yr ..
He kept saying that it was different than regular relationships but the challenge is what we both NEEDED spiritually & that it was supposed to be.. I'm thinking..this is NOT the type of guy I usually go for...most men I had wanted to date steady were more athletic in nature, laid back, sweet moreso.. not someone that is like now ex.. he was different in physic, in his interests .. but he assured me ongoing that this was IT.. even though it seemed different it was of GOD & we had this huge mission together that would take us on a new horizon & we were to spend our lives in service for GOD. Well.. it was different. & I bought into his game eventually.. only to be taken to the cleaners financially & pretty much left for dead.
Normal healthy relationships go into the commitment with honesty, & working toward the goals together..
In the beginning he was all that & a cup of tea. But after we were commited/married, he flipped everything around.. I had never met a man that would say one thing & do another & it was just nuts. All that he said to me ended up a joke to him.. all he said, of which he worked so hard to convince me of.. ended up a lie & me broke & divorced.
I pray that things work out for your sister one way or another.
I do have an idea for you.. maybe.. if she is coming to you ongoing with complaints & you are concerned & feeling overwhelmed, maybe you can ask if she can see a therapist & .if it is bothering you to the point you are struggling then maybe limit what she can dump onto you?
I think families do have their limitations as to what they can listen to when there are issues one is dealing with in their own lives..
If it's something that she is seemingly ok with or is denying then maybe it's a time that you need to refocus on a part of your own life.. I don't mean that to minimize your concerns for your sister.. but she is an adult & can do something about the situation if she has to or needs to.
If you do fun things with her & enjoy your time & maybe trust that she will deal with things when the time comes that she is fully capable of doing so.
You can be honest with her.. but you can't change what she does. I know in my own family there are things that some do or choices that I am not thrilled about but it's their lives & for them to live as they choose. If they came bitching to me about their problems all the time (which they don't) I would suggest counseling..
If she chooses to stay with him & your relationship isn't as close maybe use the time to find new hobbies & interests that you can share.. show her you are strong in your life & live by example!? Families are complicated.. Take care!