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#12244 - 11/07/11 08:32 PM Re: Depression and healing [Re: 1Healing]
Miss Treated Offline
member

Registered: 11/06/11
Posts: 7
Hi 1Healing,

I know how incredibly tough it is to control our emotions. But that's OK. We are told by others that we are allowed to be extreme now, to vent our misery. The more I cry, scream and vent the better I feel... for a bit, as you said. Trauma is not easy to get through. I focus on others who have healed. They say it is possible. We must believe that. The fact that we are all her means that we are all tying to heal. Each of us helping each other is also helping ourselves. The worst part, learning of the psychopath, is behind us. There is no lower place to be. As I have heard before, the only way from here is up. We will make it.

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#12245 - 11/07/11 08:44 PM Re: Depression and healing [Re: Miss Treated]
1Healing Offline
member

Registered: 10/25/11
Posts: 87
Yes. When he left a few yrs back I remember being to the point I sat with my emotions for a few months.. silent moreso.. then I began to talk for a # of months with others that are going through this.. it helped a lot. I felt more healed & not needing of hte support as much by that next summer.. but it seems to come in waves & there is layering to this.
It is pretty much a worse case scenerio for me.. financial, divorce, my own situation as I am disabled physically, I do pretty well but the whole of it has just been overwhelming.
He left me in a situation that my even getting supports I need & to heal has been ultimately my biggest challenge in this & post the divorce & financial that is what I'm tackling now..
I really could care less who he is with.. the words don't seem to mean a thing to them (love/commitment). To someone that has not met a person like this it's all hard to believe.. It's like they don't really exist in themselves!?!

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#12246 - 11/07/11 09:00 PM Re: Depression and healing [Re: Miss Treated]
Dianne E. Offline

Administrator
member

Registered: 11/15/02
Posts: 2788
Loc: United States
Hi Miss Treated, welcome to our community. I am glad you have a therapist that isn't into medications, seems like she has you on the right track.

I had a very tricky time getting off of Lamictal. I was taken off of it after a round of Dr's and didn't know the origin of my blood condition. First I woke up one morning with what was sudden onset of bleeding and bruising, bulging veins, bleeding, I was scared to death because of a couple of prominent veins running up both my legs and my hands. I actually stayed awake all night because it was on a Friday and when I saw the veins in my legs I freaked out and went to the ER the next day. They took my blood and I saw my GP on Monday. He saw a spike in my blood so he sent me to see a blood specialist. The blood specialist diagnosed my blood as lupus coagulation (I was still on Lamictal), while he was treating me I started having visual abnormalities, I first noticed odd things which I told him about. For example there was a chain on the floor and it would wiggle but things would return to normal. One day I went to open my office door and the handle was moving in all directions. He thought I might have some retinal bleeding so he sent me to an eye Dr.; my eyes were fine so he referred me to a neuro surgeon. The neuro surgeon knew from looking at my meds that it was Lamictal which I was then slowly taken off of. After all since Lamictal was developed for seizures he was able to pin point the drug. Two weeks after being taken off of Lamictal I had a major attack. The abnormal vision turned into a horror show; just about everything in my house was moving and wiggling around. I was so shocked since I had been off Lamictal for a couple of weeks. It was a Sunday so I was trapped alone to deal with it because I knew if I went to the ER with the list of drugs I was on that I would surely be committed if I told the Dr. about seeing things moving around, here is where it gets tricky, they see your meds and have you in the crazy box so I had to ride it out at home. The next day I spent hours researching Lamictal.

I signed releases for the shrink, neuro and blood specialist to consult. They took very little intellectual interest. I went back to the blood specialist and was told that the bulging veins were due to aging. I asked him how that aging like that could take place overnight and be on the heels of the Lamictal attack on my blood and vision. Basically I got the brush off. After they consulted the neuro Dr's nurse called me and said they had a new prescription for me at the pharmacy and when I asked her what it was for she said it was "lamictal like" without the serious side effects. Well, that is when I dug in my heels and decided that clearly no one but me had my best interest at heart.

My ability to stand without sharp pains in my legs was getting worse and they kept sending me in circles. I went back to the eye Dr., back to the blood specialist, back to the neuro Dr. and got the age deal. I saw a vascular Dr. who was indeed crazy, he never even looked at my legs, and he just saw my meds and ignored my complaints. The neuro Dr. completely turned me off and told me to go back and get on medications since I had then taken myself off of the rest of the batch of meds I was on. I had asked the shrink to get me off drugs and he only took me off a couple and then stopped so I had to take matters into my own hands and slowly get off the other medications. He actually asked me if I would consider electro shock treatment, well, that about was enough for me, I just went away and very slowly stopped the other medications. Lamictal is well known for short term memory loss so what did he give me about a year before? Speed, yup full strength Concerta and said I had ADD. Duh, Lamictal wipes out your short term memory, I hardly have ADD. Naturally speed increased my anxiety so he increased my sleep meds and Valium. At one point he was writing prescriptions for 120 Valiums (10mg)per month to take 4X a day.

You could point a gun to my head and I would let you pull the trigger before I would ever put my health into the hands of anyone every again as long as I live. I figure if the life threatening depression didn't kill me the medication profession sure gave it a good try.

To further my point my business partner who took the dive with me was working in our New York office, he actually bought a gun he was also so severely depressed. I was put on medication. He eventually was able to get back on his feet, marry a wonderful woman and have a life. My life turned to mud.

The good news is I will be having surgery on my legs the end of December, now I am confined to bed most of the time. The very good news is my old partner and I have been in discussion the last couple of months and we finalized our plans this weekend to start back in business when my surgery is over. My mind is finally clear enough and have been busy working on some new designs. Slowly because the healing process is still ongoing. I can't start back to work full time because I will have to travel for business and for now that isn't an option until surgery. Luckily it is a simple procedure to unblock the veins in my legs so I will be able to stand without pain.

It is all about greed and incompetence when a person is going through a life altering depression.

Well off my soap box, I am sure I have ranted about this in pieces here before, be careful getting off Lamictal, I hope you have a smooth transition. I am sorry you had a seizure it must have been terrifying. I still see white shots of light out of the corners of my eyes from the neuron damage. I actually feel blessed they didn't kill me with medications, they gave it a good try.

I don't mean to offend anyone who is taking medications and am not trying to tell anyone else what to decide what works for them.

From my experience and research it can take months of normal drug free sleep patterns to give our brains a chance to realign. That is the catch when you think you need to get back on medication to feel better, it is a process to get your brain back in order and tough to ride it out but it will be worth it in the end. It has taken me months to get back to a drug free sleep pattern. I don't feel like my old self yet but my mind is clear after all these years of being drugged. I know I can climb out of this ditch.

I appreciate the support and kindness from our community, it is good to read that people care. I had to think long and hard before opening this conversation here and was afraid but glad we can have an open discussion since severe depression is a major part of healing from life altering events with Psychopaths.

Di

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#12249 - 11/09/11 11:50 AM Re: Depression and healing [Re: Dianne E.]
1Healing Offline
member

Registered: 10/25/11
Posts: 87
A place I do feel stuck lately is my hatred in me for & at him, ex h Psychopath, of which comes in waves & is overpowering.. there are easy triggers & it can last. This is fairly new for me, the last month perhaps.. i think it's just the total of the destruction that is left for me to deal with, the lies he told of which there are so many. It's as if I am a joke to him, which doesn't matter but to grasp it, that one could say all these things & so easily toss me under the bus.
It's one thing to date & in earlier stages make decisions to end the relationship but ongoing to create debt with someone, make all sorts of promises, say they are the one & ongoing, then go through a series of endless destruction that affects the person without care.. even still why not walk away if one isn't happy but it's a game to them, endless/ongoing.. back & forth.
After the first 2 times of his sending me away I was done reaching back, I think even after the first it was he who wanted me back, after he ended it.. continual after that but I would put up more bariers that he couldn't come back to me as easily, as what was the point if he didn't want to be with me? It seems now it was a tease & the debt he stuck me with, the fact I had to do all the divorce paperwork & the cost of all of these things & legal has been enormous. He knew I as disabled too.. of which I told him was serious to move me away from my comfort zones/ supports. He insisted that we had something unique & it was of God & to be pushed through. Even throughout I knew it was Not the type of relationship I was used to & with a man.. he was not the type of man I was used to being attracted to & dating.. but he said no, we had a mission & it was to be, "a challenge," that easy was not what God Had for us. OK.. so I guess not, as I sit still mopping up the disaster he left on my plate.
Like I say the last month I find myself where that love is fading & easily my self is filled with hate toward him. Noone has ever upheavaled my life like this with so many unkept promises. I was content before, life was ordered & with purpose.. I realize that I have to keep on keeping on with my healing.. but like I say the disgust permeates thru my veins at how someone could do what he did to me. If he had stayed gone earlier on, if he had done the divorce paperwork, if he had bothered to help with the debt.. & why did he say all those things if he meant none of it which he couldn't have meant.. his actions did not match his words.
My self is filled with hate.. I have never hated before.. Iknow I have to love but I find my struggle (recent) complex. I certainly do not respect him.. for what he did to me.
I was a joke to him. No matter how I get past this.. I will say that no human has ever taken my life into such a destructive place, laughed at me & walked away.
I truely believe if he had had a knife the time he left me last, when he was angered, he would have used it.
I pray for healing. I know that God Will Deal with him. People are accountable for their actions (to HIM).

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#12253 - 11/10/11 04:37 PM Re: Depression and healing [Re: 1Healing]
FreeBird Offline
member

Registered: 08/24/11
Posts: 230
One step at a time! Exactly!
Every smallest efford you make takes you one step higher from this pit.
I would comapre this time of healing to being in a fog, not able to see where I'm going. But it doesn'y really matter, where you're going from there. The important thing is to get out of the fog:) From then on, it's all instictual and easy.

1Healing- unfortunatelly, I don't believe in God. So it was this much harder for me to get over it all. But I do believe in people. And I lost that belief back then, so I guess that would be like saying that God doesn't exist.
To me, I don't think like this. Some people live like this, and hurt others and are still rich and powerfull and keep on hurting more. And it is only because WE let them. Because we, the good people do nothing. That's all that's enough for them to triumpf.
That's why I will not back down, no matter what the consequences of the lawsuit. And I will tell about it all, no matter how much people think it's stupid,and they'd back down.
No matter what happens, at the end of the day I can say I did all that I could to make this world a little better.
It doesn't matter if I change anything, all that matters for me is that I've tried.

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#12254 - 11/10/11 05:09 PM Re: Depression and healing [Re: FreeBird]
1Healing Offline
member

Registered: 10/25/11
Posts: 87
I am hearing kind of a theme here that is helpful to me. We have been through life altering trauma in this experience,much loss & unwanted upheavals. But what I am hearing too is this desire/need to guard against further unnescessary drains & losses. This is tricky yet I can so relate.

I see so many huge changes right now in the world that is also showing me this is a time of change.. & I am just praying so hard to be strong. I am hearing this from you all too.. to hold on, dig in, & the healing comes with time.

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#12275 - 11/14/11 09:18 PM Re: Depression and healing [Re: 1Healing]
1Healing Offline
member

Registered: 10/25/11
Posts: 87
Needing to vent.. Something that I just don't understand at all.. in my family of origin we each have our own lives & we expect each other to live to the best of their ability, we are supportive but with clear boundaries. We talk several times a week, not daily, we get together regularly, not every single week.. When I have problems my family expect me to seek support elsewhere besides family.. My family are loving but to me love also = expectations.. of myself & then that I know they also are working on their own life.. so it's not burdensome.

My own life is tough & especially now. I am disabled as I have mentioned here & before I met ex h I had a very established life. I wanted to marry, but I had a lot of friends, a few close friends, but a large enough circle & in various places that I was ok. My supports were solid & built up over a lot of yrs.. Well, spending time, the yrs I did with ex h Psychopath, has destroyed all of that. He went into our relationship/marriage promising the world..

When I question myself or any of this.. I ask myself too what did he want of me? I felt I did as much as I could have done, I was volunteering, going to church, making friendships of which I had to start over after the moves, & even in a new marriage it takes time to adjust.. to each other, the reordering of 2 lives. But he NEVER allowed that. When he moved us across country, I remember after about 6-9 months I had 5 phone #'s.. it was taking me some time to make new acquaintances but I was doing it. I was checking into volunteering there.. It was difficult as I didn't know anyone but I was hopeful .. change & adjusting takes time.
With Psychopaths there is no time. They do things impulsively & comittment doesn't mean anything to them.

The people in my life now, I take time knowing them. When I am in a newer friendship I make sure & pay attention to what is being said, red flags, etc.. Also, I don't put all my eggs in one basket. I try to have different activities & people to talk with as to not burn one person out.

It's as if he intentionally set us up to fail.. by moving us constantly we never had a chance to bond properly. then the people/ our supports would change, the financial costs grew. Even through that if two people are close, honest, committed they can pull through but he didn't want that. He would leave or send me away. Not only that but he would cut off all communication during his absences. I had no access to him for long periods of time.

He didn't work, in part it was due to his health but there are things he could have done to pull in money, over the time I knew him, but instead of doing something about it he would say I was making it so he couldn't at times he would flip out on me. My thought was well then go get a job!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He would tell me he didn't have the health to work outside of the home, & I was ok with that & he could have done something at home as to a business but he didn't. He could have gotten a job outside the home if he had wanted to, as he had said, but he chose not to. Even in all of that, I was still commited. I said, "till death do you part," & I meant it, I loved him & didn't want anyone else, to me, the marriage itself is a part of stability.. but no.. not him. He would not allow ANY stability, bonding, continuity whatsoever, the whole time we were together. The one time I felt that it was getting to be that way & I finally was able to relax moreso is when he left for the last time. It was all too much for him...

He didn't leave until nearly every shred of what I had before was dissolved. Every friend I had prior, every situation of which was before changed, then he left. I did still have my family but I am an adult & not a child.. so I am starting my life over at midlife & disabled & bankrupt... I have said this before but it is not easy.

I think the first 2 yrs were mostly dealing with the divorce & bankruptcy as the latter is just recently wrapping up (yet I still will have to pay another yr) & of course all of this is because of what he left for me to deal with... this next yr will prob be more social & figuruing out transportation issues as the costs have skyrocketed & services cut..

I just can't believe I bought into his lies.

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#12277 - 11/15/11 05:35 AM Re: Depression and healing [Re: 1Healing]
starry Offline
member

Registered: 01/06/11
Posts: 350
You're judging someone else by the standards of your own behaviour: a person that has very deliberately set out to exploit that aspect of your character. And they have exploited it (and your expectations) mercilessly.

Of course, they don't want closeness and commitment (well, on their part anyway). Their relationships aren't about that. They're about other things entirely (control, domination, fear, confusion, sucking other people dry, exploitation).

He wasn't setting your relationship up to fail, by moving around the country. He was being true to his nature, playing to his strengths, by creating confusion, chaos, uprooting all the time.

So many similarities with my dad. That's exactly what he does. Goes to live somewhere for a few years, then disappears. He doesn't leave any forwarding details as he doesn't really have 'friends' in our sense of the word (people he would like to stay in touch with). He's done that all his life (he must be in his 60s or 70s now). He could easily have had a great career, he has talent. But he doesn't give a toss about that. It would require too much application, commitment, vision, forward planning. He prefers to exploit whatever woman he is with at the time, get her to earn some money, pay for everything and live off her. Nice role model, eh?

That's been my lesson from him anyway: don't judge other people by the standards of your own behaviour. So now what I do is sit back and watch. People reveal themselves for what they really are soon enough. And I always listen to my gut feeling.

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#12280 - 11/15/11 12:51 PM Re: Depression and healing [Re: starry]
1Healing Offline
member

Registered: 10/25/11
Posts: 87
Well put & you are correct. I will say this too. I am an adult & I realize it's up to me to deal with what is, now. Where I am yet very angry & not healed is that I am vulnerable, disabled & for me to regain my life is not easy at all & he was very aware of that.
That is why I come here, for me.

It was important for me that his kids saw his goodness. It was important to me that I did too, of which I did. I loved him with all my heart & soul. I think it's vital for the siblings & in particular children of psychopaths to see both sides very clearly of their parents, brother, sister. That they incorupt not the negatives because it can be overwhelming.

Where these forums are helpful I believe is to be able to share reality in order to heal. People aren't black & white they have positive & negative traits. But psychopaths do not know how to function emotionally in the world. They feed off of their ego & on others. They are often gifted & highly intelligent. BUT like you say they squander their talents by going from town to town, marriages, relationships & do not understand & live continuity.

I am so beside myself & I would say I am at bottom now. It didn't even happen right after he left. It took the total of the divorce, bankruptcy, & now I am at a place I am having to deal head on with my reality of the destruction taht took place, in total. I can make it, I'm strong inside, which is what he was attracted to I believe. But too I am disabled, & vulnerable. So for me to fix my life I have to be interedendent & it takes time.

I had worked hard over the yrs to make sure I was buffered appropriately, not sheltered from but able to function. Like I say right now is the worst it has been for me. There was so much destruction & loss I have not been able to get grounded, yet. I'm thinking there are a few things right now of which likely will turn this around.. potentially another move to where thre is more accessible to me, & closer to shopping area, public transportation, etc.
He pulled me away from my faith of origin, all of teh people I knew & many moves.. with so many unmet promises & enormous costs, to me.

Starry, what I am hearing from you is this & it is important. I am hearing that what you learned & understand from having a dad that is psychopath is that you have to be responsible for your life. He does his own thing & to expect otherwise is ridiculous. I also think that is HEALTHY & it's something I have to acknowledge in my recovery process. I am angry at what he did. I also loved him & wanted it to work, I wanted the dream, I believed in what he said, my truth of which is not his reality, they are merely words.

For a time about 2 months after he left I posted somewhere & it helped. When I shared the hurt, loss, pain & anger I began to feel better. I could let go of the negativity. The healing is something one owns. They may take away what they say was that is not, but the healing is heading toward The Light, wholeness & strength. I am strong. I am at peace. But I am very frustrated & beside myself many days in this process. As I say it is right now that I amhaving to look again at another move, of which I would rather not have to make, the things I am dealing with now are not choices that to me are happy exciting ones.. it's due to the loss of which was caused by his decisions, which affected me in a huge way. I'm mad because I am vulnerable & disabled & I planned my life that this would not have happened yet because of what he did I am struggling horribly for awhile longer.. I do see goodness, it is why I ended up with him, but now, I am experiencing the grief, loss, anger, that which in my mind didn't need to be.

I think your words & what you say is very important. Those that I am close to don't coddle me, they expect me to see things in balance & then deal with reality. I like that. It's not easy for me because I have physical limitations of which I think I deal with well, I take good care of myself & still very independent but my life requires interdependance of which I am having begin anew. It feels nuts. I will be glad when this stage of my grief/changes/loss is done. It is the toughest yet of what I have had to deal with. If I drove & had the strength I could make the needed changes in a week to a month.. but as it is the burden is so heavy.
For all the brains they have, I gladly take the inner strength.. of which is what I have to go on. The continuity of my life was upheavaled. My spirit is still strong. There is not much else at the moment but hope, peace & love. I just can't believe I am going through all of this. Thank you starry, your words speak of reality & strength, of which without we have nothing. It is sad that they are as they are but the biology of the psychopaths is not as our own. There are better days ahead.

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#12283 - 11/15/11 02:04 PM Re: Depression and healing [Re: 1Healing]
starry Offline
member

Registered: 01/06/11
Posts: 350
There are indeed better days ahead.

I feel a great deal of inner strength from your posts, and the desire to move forward. That was something that he could not destroy in you. Be proud of that, my friend.

I understand the anger (the murderous rage in my case), I really do. There were many years that I would gladly have killed him. Not for what he did to me, but for what he did to my mum, to his other siblings, to my siblings (some of whom I have never even met).

But I was always determined to be a better person than him. And however much I felt that rage (and the stress of it has given me all sorts of chronic illnesses to deal with), I was determined never to stoop that low. I was determined that I would never, ever become like him and be a destructive person.

I also understand the grief. I feel such grief when I look around and see 'nice' families, with fathers who are role models. 'Why me, why me, why me?' was all I could think of. And 'it's not fair'.

But these are the cards that life has dealt me. And so I deal with it as best I can. But I know that each step I take towards healing (even if that is a couple of backward steps) is a step forwards and a step further away from him and all that he is about and represents.

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