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#12288 - 11/15/11 05:47 PM Re: Depression and healing [Re: starry]
starry Offline

Registered: 01/06/11
Posts: 350
I'm sorry if I came across a bit abruptly.

I think what I was trying to say, behind all of that, was that once I stood back and saw him (and what he did) for what he was, a weird thing happened. It seemed to take all the blame from me. I remember feeling very, very free and very suddenly as well.

Seeing things so starkly, placing the blame where it belonged, was very liberating. I no longer felt entangled in all the mess he had made. It was like, 'this is yours, this belongs to you'. It dawned on me that it wasn't really ever about me (although I had to deal with all the stuff he had spewed over me). I was only someone that had very unfortunately been caught in his mechanism.

And there was a boundary where there had been none, a very clear one, that I had established. It felt very empowering.

#12289 - 11/15/11 05:51 PM Re: Depression and healing [Re: starry]
blueheron Offline

Registered: 10/14/11
Posts: 84
Originally Posted By: starry
That's been my lesson from him anyway: don't judge other people by the standards of your own behaviour. So now what I do is sit back and watch. People reveal themselves for what they really are soon enough. And I always listen to my gut feeling.

Starry, that is profoundly wise -- the word of the day. Thanks.

blue heron

#12293 - 11/16/11 03:56 PM Re: Depression and healing [Re: blueheron]
FreeBird Offline

Registered: 08/24/11
Posts: 230
100% agreed!

I would say the blame-taking is the worst part of it all. Not only does that tangle you more and more to the Psychopath in the relationship, but its also sth that wont let you go after your life has been thrown upside down by him at the end of it.

For me it was the same - when I read all these articles, began to see clearly, began to understand - I started to feel free. Before - I would always try to look for some evidence that there could be some explanation to what he did, that I had to be so bad so that he did all those terrible things to me (coz I've always thought we are responsible for our actions and how they affect others). But when I had it there, black on white, I could no longer excuse him. It was great.

#12296 - 11/16/11 08:54 PM Re: Depression and healing [Re: starry]
1Healing Offline

Registered: 10/25/11
Posts: 87
Starry, thank you. I do feel strong inside & the same as you & what you are saying..
There are triggers & I sense you have worked past a lot of these. As now, end moreso lately, there is an exhaustion from it, & thinking how all of what he did to me & that he really could care less. He never protected me, in fact he made my life so very difficult by what he did...

He said he could never be with another woman again he loved me so much yet it is about as big a joke as the day is long, I'm sure he has slept with many & none of his words really mean anything. That is what I have a hard time wrapping my head around/ it is the severe damage done to me. No other person has affected me so severely/damaging me.

You are right though I'm strong & it's the inner self that has to survive this blow. They live in the ego & anything to hurt another/ the greater the pain gives them pleasure, why I don't know.

The energy is what baffles me.. it's a continuous negative's like they can see past the veil upward toward Heaven & to hell if you will/ there are no lines that they follow, but their life is a titilation into both sides/ without rising above, they say many words, but the strength is knowledge not solid of the soul as someone who truely loves.
Someone said to me today that these types seem deficit in themselves that they didn't have normal in childhood themselves perhaps/ so they don't know how to be childlike/happy but childish & instead of wanting love & sincere happiness... it's a chaotic attempt to see attention. They deflect the love. It is away from the to be target onto another in an illfated attempt to satisfy their desires, not formulated in nurturance but feign for their glory.
I do not understand ex h Psychopath at all yet I do.. & it makes me sickened inside that it's both.

When I hear words that remind me of what he said/does at times I just shutter, & lately at times I even cry not that I miss him but that I cannot believe he did what he did & hurt me so badly, in a very literal smashing.

I think I may have some irons in the fire, some major breakthroughs this week as to social connections & also through church. This may be a big deal for me, & a part of my healing that I sorely need & has been on backburner due to all of the paperwork & divorce things etc I had to deal with. I SO need this in my healing.
I did love the man, but his beauty is splintered in his soul & only God Can Deal With him now. I don't doubt it was right between us but he makes sure that it's not right, those he loves, he shoves to the side. I am aware that it didn't have to be like that.. but I am not God & he is a broken man.

I keep praying for my heart & soul to men & the flashbacks of his cruelty that they lessen & the healing is my own.

Starry, I would want ex h's kids to see their dad's goodness & I know they do. They are aware of how he is, he is in & out of their lives as he wills. I've often thought they were more capable of caring for him than vice versa.. Sometimes I feel embroiled in the lies & I feel hate, at that point I have to let go & let God. What you say, my reality is not the same as what would be a psychopaths & to think otherwise is ridiculous.

#12301 - 11/17/11 03:52 AM Re: Depression and healing [Re: 1Healing]
starry Offline

Registered: 01/06/11
Posts: 350
Originally Posted By: 1Healing

I keep praying for my heart & soul to men & the flashbacks of his cruelty that they lessen & the healing is my own

I think this will happen for you.

Something I have come to understand is that we are in control of our own destinies (not them, as they liked to tell us/make us feel). So I think that you can make this healing happen.

Of course, it's not as simple as that. It's not a quick A to B journey. It's a lifetime's journey, and not in a straight line either. But I think if that's your goal, and you keep moving forwards, even if it's just a little every day, thinking, giving space to your feelings (all of them, the positive and the negative ones). Then I believe it will happen.

In my head now, I can think back to the most terrible of things he did that I can remember and, well, I don't feel crushed by that. I don't feel overwhelmed by panic or fear (as I did for many years, vomiting, losing my voice, shaking, pounding heart). Of course, it's dependent on the situation I'm in. I'm not sure I could stand up in a court of law and feel so calm about telling my story then. But I'm OK with it with myself.

There's a lot that I can't remember, that my mind has simply blanked out, but I'm OK with that too. I used to try desperately to remember. But now it doesn't seem so important to know what I can't remember any more. It doesn't really change what happened, or change him, or change who I am now. The story is still the same, still what it is.

It's not to say that things might not feel bad again at some point in the future. But I think the difference now is that I know that I can feel OK about things, and that will give me hope.

It's really all about the return of hope. That's one of the things they try to destroy in a person, because without hope there is nothing really. And I feel a lot of hope from your posts, so I feel very positive for you even though I understand things are really tough for you at the moment.

#12302 - 11/17/11 05:16 AM Re: Depression and healing [Re: starry]
1Healing Offline

Registered: 10/25/11
Posts: 87
I think the realization, that they are not going to change; where their actions are coming from (a sense of lack & to keep things off balance), helps a lot.

Something that I don't understand either is that they believe people are jealous of them. I personally find it repulsive, the egocentricity, puffed up, to me is so disengenuous & unattractive. I think they are attracted to also their opposites in this way.. maybe trying to be so? but always going back to fake/false self. IF their talents aligned with altruism & a humble nature it would be idealistic but it is far from that.. He seemed to go in a continual mode of trying to, "be," & normalize but he had to make waves. There is no continuity.

I've been around people that were selfish & not very mature but this tops every other experience & the aftermath in my own life is far reaching.

Yes, I am hopeful .. I have not quite reached bottom to land yet .. of which I can then begin to move forward. I'm almost there.. To loose so much at his hands, it seems almost a crushing of the soul (or attempted)..
There's just such a sense of spiritual warfare with them that they are battling such darkness.
Thanks for letting me vent/ does help.

#12303 - 11/17/11 07:17 AM Re: Depression and healing [Re: 1Healing]
starry Offline

Registered: 01/06/11
Posts: 350
Yes, I think you're absolutely right on so many things.

One of the things I remember about my dad, was that he could look into your eyes, just a fleeting glance, and it was like he was looking into your soul.

But looking in with the intention of wanting to steal whatever good he could find there. Like a thief, going up to a house, and shining a torchlight through the window to see what he can get inside.

He couldn't bear someone else having what he wanted (goodness, kindness, hope, life) so he tried to steal it for himself, in the hope that he could somehow absorb some of those qualities and have them for himself, because his own soul was so bleak and dead. It was OK for as long as you were an object, and he could keep you pressed up right against him. You were safe, because his illusion was safe.

But as soon as you showed any signs of life, and would pull away ever so slightly (as you would and should, being an independent, living being and not an object) then the fissure became unbearable to him. The gap revealed his true self to himself, and he just could not bear that. So he would set about trying to devalue and destroy the object that caused his pain.

I'll write more in a bit. Quite tired now.

#12305 - 11/17/11 07:53 PM Re: Depression and healing [Re: starry]
1Healing Offline

Registered: 10/25/11
Posts: 87
I wish I could more easily get to a support group here in town.. It's so difficult for me to get out more than a few days a week/ I can in the neighborhood & there are places I can go close to home/ but the social access is limited...
I think the first 1 & 1/2 yrs I cried maybe 8 times & it was not that I missed him..
the last few weeks I have cried more often, it's this exhaustion frankly in all of it & still I do not miss him. I am so tired, from it all. I think there is hope but it will take time..

This group /posting helps & too it helps to hear other's experiences/healing..

Starry, I'm thinking of what you said.. re your dad & how he bonded with women. I hear what you are saying.. ex h gets close VERY quickly to women. He has this err about him & his ways are immediate intimacy on every level/ like the breaking system in his self is broken.

#12308 - 11/18/11 02:09 AM Re: Depression and healing [Re: 1Healing]
starry Offline

Registered: 01/06/11
Posts: 350
I think the getting close very quickly is a conscious thing that they do. I think it's part of the knocking people off balance, overwhelming them and not giving them a chance to catch their breath or think things over.

There's a mind control technique called 'love bombing' which describes what they do:

I remember reading about mind control techniques and realising my dad had used a lot of them on me. Here's a list from:

Mind Control techniques include:

1. Hypnosis
Inducing a state of high suggestibility by hypnosis, often thinly disguised as relaxation or meditation.

2. Peer Group Pressure
Suppressing doubt and resistance to new ideas by exploiting the need to belong.

3. Love Bombing
Creating a sense of family and belonging through hugging, kissing, touching and flattery.

4. Rejection of Old Values
Accelerating acceptance of new life style by constantly denouncing former values and beliefs.

5. Confusing Doctrine
Encouraging blind acceptance and rejection of logic through complex lectures on an incomprehensible doctrine.

6. Metacommunication
Implanting subliminal messages by stressing certain key words or phrases in long, confusing lectures.

7. Removal of Privacy
Achieving loss of ability to evaluate logically by preventing private contemplation.

8. Time Sense Deprivation
Destroying ability to evaluate information, personal reactions, and body functions in relation to passage of time by removing all clocks and watches.

9. Disinhibition
Encouraging child-like obedience by orchestrating child-like behaviour.

10. Uncompromising Rules
Inducing regression and disorientation by soliciting agreement to seemingly simple rules which regulate mealtimes, bathroom breaks and use of medications.

11. Verbal Abuse
Desensitizing through bombardment with foul and abusive language.

12. Sleep Deprivation and Fatigue
Creating disorientation and vulnerability by prolonging mental an physical activity and withholding adequate rest and sleep.

13. Dress Codes
Removing individuality by demanding conformity to the group dress code.

14. Chanting and Singing
Eliminating non-cult ideas through group repetition of mind-narrowing chants or phrases.

15. Confession
Encouraging the destruction of individual ego through confession of personal weaknesses and innermost feelings of doubt.

16. Financial Commitment
Achieving increased dependence on the group by 'burning bridges' to the past, through the donation of assets.

17. Finger Pointing
Creating a false sense of righteousness by pointing to the shortcomings of the outside world and other cults.

18. Flaunting Hierarch
Promoting acceptance of cult authority by promising advancement, power and salvation.

19. Isolation
Inducing loss of reality by physical separation from family, friends, society and rational references.

20. Controlled Approval
Maintaining vulnerability and confusion by alternately rewarding and punishing similar actions.

21. Change of Diet
Creating disorientation and increased susceptibility to emotional arousal by depriving the nervous system of necessary nutrients through the use of special diets and/or fasting.

22. Games
Inducing dependence on the group by introducing games with obscure rules.

23. No Questions
Accomplishing automatic acceptance of beliefs by discouraging questions.

24. Guilt
Reinforcing the need for 'salvation' by exaggerating the sins of the former lifestyles.

25. Fear
Maintaining loyalty and obedience to the group by threatening soul, life or limb for the slightest 'negative' thought, word or deed.

26. Replacement of Relationships
Destroying pre-cult families by arranging cult marriages and 'families'.

#12311 - 11/19/11 08:55 AM Re: Depression and healing [Re: starry]
1Healing Offline

Registered: 10/25/11
Posts: 87
Starry, & once one understands the, "rules," they change them around so it's their game/their rules.

What is good that I am not around ex h Psychopath is that he would say I was abusive & controlling & jealous & that was crazy to me because I was OK alone before him, I was single many yrs, & though I wanted to marry I had my routine & friends, beliefs, a life. He made sure to change ALL OF IT around, with this new promise of heaven & things we would do together, this exciting life & love that was so unique. It was indeed unique.. & filled with anger which only he could own.. my, controlling behavior, was that I wanted some of what he had said, to happen/ by his action of which he could have EASILY done but he CHOSE to sit before the tv & worship it/ the computer day after day & rail at me for caring. It was CRAZY MAKING.. I loved being married & to him, cooked & cleaned, volunteered, went to church, visited family, exercised, I loved to write, make plans, pray.. my life was filled to the brim & I was happy, the work I have/had done over the yrs, paid off.. but not to him/for him it was like a maxed out credit card, my face. I was in his way, irritating that I existed, the dream, washed in water colors, blackened by his angry brushings. The happiness, hugs, loving kisses of which I gave him, & each day was sunshine, he saw not. He was dis appointed. Each time he left, it was right & then wronly he would return, I welcomed him realizing he was confused & hopeful as my bible says, faith, "hope & love," I never gave up on HIM. I loved him & wanted it to work, this energy immense my life atop that mountain. The storms set in each time stability was not a rock he owned, I'm not sure why, he said all he did. Not even a pebble that is colored a certain way says it another, so what was the point? Did he even see? Why was he here, what is his point? I don't know the answers but each of the roads I saw clear the way, as is said it's an illusion.
God Is my Rock. I shall not want.

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