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#12312 - 11/19/11 09:20 AM Re: Depression and healing [Re: 1Healing]
1Healing Offline
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Registered: 10/25/11
Posts: 87
It is so odd too that the GAME that they play.. so many feed into & believe, staking their lives .. I am contemplating this.. it's almost as if they come along & offer this sort of lottery ticket, they say, you put in $1, & we will have the beautiful life & we will win, because you have saved & you are solid they say (the psychopaths) I can offer you the pay off.. the investment, in me (meaning the psychopath) will reep all of your dreams come true.
But yes, it is a game, to them, it's just this switch / like a 2D which I hear is what they are like & it is so, not 3D /reality, where when they tire of the game, they walk away.
So the cards are left one one's hand, those they leave behind & a realization to them it was not real & they go about their lives playing, they are good at it, the lives the own for a time, shaken about, the poker players loss, he wins his own hand, the psychopath.
In life I continue to grow & I can/do reep from what I sew but I had no idea I was placing my cards into this.
Life goes on (ugh).
smile

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#12313 - 11/19/11 10:25 AM Re: Depression and healing [Re: 1Healing]
starry Offline
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Registered: 01/06/11
Posts: 350
Of course you didn't realise you were placing your cards into this.

I'm very tired at the moment, so please excuse me if I get this wrong, but it seems to me you're taking an awful lot of responsibility for 'going along' with him.

What I understand is that these people are absolute experts at working out what motivates someone, what their weak spots are. And they are really skilled at finding weak spots that you didn't even know you had. I've had a psychotherapist who worked with psychopaths tell me this, and I've seen it happen too, to someone else. They are always on the look out, searching, stalking, assessing, calculating. 'Intraspecies predators' Hare calls them, an absolutely brilliant description, because that is what they are.

And also because people are very willing to share information about themselves. Everyone likes talking about themselves, no? That's not to say there's anything wrong with that, talking, sharing, communicating, but using that information, freely given, to gain an advantage over someone, well, yes, there's a lot wrong with that.

So, with that information, gleaned from someone, they construct a vision of whatever it is the other person wants to hear. And they sell that vision to the other person. Of course, it works. Who doesn't want to hear that someone else is passionately interested in the same things as us, who doesn't want to hear that someone shares our vision for our life?

None of it is based on truth, of course, and that's what makes it very confusing for us. We hear one thing from that person, but we see and feel something else entirely. It's deeply confusing because we want to believe what people tell us.

You, I, all of us here, were sold a lie. We were all tricked, conned by experts, who have been doing this all their lives, as if their own life depended on it (it does in many ways). There's nothing wrong with our reasoning, there's everything wrong with theirs.

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#12314 - 11/19/11 02:07 PM Re: Depression and healing [Re: starry]
1Healing Offline
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Registered: 10/25/11
Posts: 87
Starry, your posts/replies are helpful. It's obvious too you have done healing & over time.

Your last sentence, " there is nothing wrong with our reasoning," their is flawed/thinking/actions.. fits. That's how I feel it is, in part because I had worked & still do at the grounding in my life. As a disabled person too I don't have a lot of choices in this regard, I am dependent upon that which is, constant. & too this is one thing I think attracted ex h Psychopath to me/ the situation was this, "hero," fit it guy, who could make EVERYTHING right & of course when life isn't perfect as it is NOT then it was my fault.. ??!!
& the intraspecies predatory nature was never satisfied with any of it before or after anyways but still it was my fault.. & I hear you too.. in your healing /work of which it is, a person begins to separate from the false illusions they create then destroy.. of which I am yet in earlier stages of healing.

I think part of where I am at too is that the effects of all of this have been so destructive that I have not been able to remove myself from the, responsibilty, to some degree because of what is on my plate to deal with.. of which he so CON veniently walked away from. I realize this is his life style, & part of grief work & in this will take time. I'm having to work within my own limitations of which each of us does.. to step back into places of where I had come out of/ that I cannot just pick up & move to a new place/town, of which would be nice/ or get a job at drop of a hat .. I am not jealous as he loved to call me.. but I am angered at the mess involved now in my life/ thanks to his lies..

I think today I will listen to more online & read about psychopaths because it helps me to understand better.. not that it is an excuse, but as you say it helps me remove from why I bought into his lie/s. His ego is disgusting & the scope of the man is a shell.. grr
anyways. like you say & I agree 100% it's my reality I have to deal with & I'm good with that..
removing the layers of sod he placed upon me will take time..

I remember when I thought he was so beautiful.. thru & thru.. it was merely an illusion..
the lingering reeks... amongst my life. I held The Cross to my heart/ now I hold it up to keep the prey away.

It does help to write & the comments/ I do HEAR that this healing takes time..
I REALLY felt that he was possessed.. it's hard for me to say that outloud but it's true.

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#12315 - 11/19/11 02:51 PM Re: Depression and healing [Re: 1Healing]
starry Offline
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Registered: 01/06/11
Posts: 350
I know what you mean. I describe looking into my dad's soul like looking into the pit of hell. And I don't even believe in God (sorry, I don't mean to offend you). But that man was evil.

The healing does take time, you're right. And it takes time and effort because it's all consuming. There's no rush. I'm thinking of it as a lifetime's work. And nobody can tell you which is the 'right' way and which is the 'wrong' way to heal. You will find your own way.

But every step forward is a step further away from him and back to reconnecting with yourself. I don't think they have to be big, massive strides (although I think that coming on here and talking about how you feel and connecting with others is a massive step forwards).

I think you're doing an amazing job smile

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#12316 - 11/20/11 10:07 AM Re: Depression and healing [Re: starry]
1Healing Offline
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Registered: 10/25/11
Posts: 87
What is difficult for me most of all is that he claimed to be so Christian & I realize this is part of their game plan..

As to your own beliefs Starry, that is your business/ I am surrounded by people of varying beliefs. For the most part we can share & not step on toes.. we reserve the right to differ but can gain from each other's perspectives.. To me this is how God Loves us. There is a purpose for our lives.

What is huge for me is that I feel in a way I was spiritually raped. He claimed to be so, of God & that we had this mission together. It was straight out of the N/Psychopath script manual. I realize he didn't need a book to speak the words, but what followed took me on a winding road where I trusted him & believed that what he said he would make good on.

I know that it was different/ our connection but he said over & over it is supposed to be this way that we grow spiritually & that it was vital we push through.. so I bought into it.

I held my ground, reserved & cautious but it wasn't until I had commited & dismantled from previous life that he exposed his true nature & then systematically destroying piece by piece what was my world.
Thank you that you think I am doing well.. I do think I am still solid in myself but it's tough as everyone here knows..

Honestly, I think I have not experienced the sadness part of the grief & I am at this place now. It's been so huge the logistics of it all that I haven't even had time to spend on the sad part & I don't miss him because there was no him.. again you all can relate to that too.

I saw a man with great potential who was/is so afraid, of being that person that he wants to be, he is locked into the cell of his world, the attraction to dark, the whores of his life who seem to pull him further into the pit but he admires these things/ the words that sway him away from truth & light. This is how I see him.
I've never met anyone with such a dycotomy existance. At any given point in time he could lock into reality & make something/ character of himself by becoming the words he says but he is repelled it. He goes from person to person expecting them to fill him up, drifting along in self torment which he spews to whomever is near.
It just sickens me frankly, that is the sadness I feel, not that I miss him, it's really odd because I never have, not the last time he left & it's been over 2 yrs now.. I knew he would never try.

The Psychopaths seem to be with this anchor that keeps them weighed into the dark & repelled by the light & they claim it seems to be that light, but the lamp goes out in due time.

I think this coming yr will be a turnaround as to the last piece of this most difficult journey post Psychopath, the social connections.. of course it's not easy at all because I'm working with far less than before I met him, my age & all..
Something that age has taught me I believe is that to live a good life, solid & true, the blessings continue to flow.. but there are gifts that God Gives & they are healing in kind but to blow them off as not, is not a good thing. This fabricated lie of which I heard I did believe for awhile. It's like with him I saw heaven & hell but he is caught in the mire.

ugh. Another day.. I just still am overhwhelmed, with paperwork, the upcoming changes of which I dread they are not ones that fillme with happiness but yet in reparation of the Mess associated with ex h Psychopath.
life goes on.. smile I'll force the smiles & make sure it's a good day.
& thx for letting me vent. It does help, because I can leave my emotions /pain here & walk away..

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#12317 - 11/20/11 10:09 AM Re: Depression and healing [Re: 1Healing]
1Healing Offline
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Registered: 10/25/11
Posts: 87
Starry, & my reply, that it's your business, I didn't mean to come across abrupt in my reply, it sounds a bit like I am being this way.. I just think in my own family there are different beliefs now but we all gain a lot from one another & are repsectful. I do see there is a larger picture to life. I believe in God & my own belief/system .. but I am aware there are others. smile

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#12318 - 11/20/11 11:03 AM Re: Depression and healing [Re: 1Healing]
starry Offline
member

Registered: 01/06/11
Posts: 350
You didn't come across as abrupt, not at all smile

I'm just glad I didn't offend. It is good that you have something positive to help you at times like these.

I think that that is exactly a big part of the challenge in overcoming the effect that these people have on our lives - that someone else used the things that we love and hold dear to ourselves as a way to hurt us. And we are then forced to dig deep and work out exactly what it is that motivates us, that keeps us going, and that gives us hope.

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#12319 - 11/20/11 02:21 PM Re: Depression and healing [Re: starry]
1Healing Offline
member

Registered: 10/25/11
Posts: 87
That's right.. It is confusing to me how it is as if he zoned in on everything important then upset that realm of my life before discarding.

I think the reason it takes so long & even a lifetime to heal is that they seem to undo all of the attachments of a healthy life, & one's reputation is also along with this/ if they are forced or walk away from that which is meaningful because of another then that person throws them to the curb which is what happened (over & over), it can cause such huge damage.

The holidays are a rough time for me this yr. Last yr wasn't even as bad. I guess I'm finally about to hit bottom.. then I will be able to build again. Since he's been gone it's yet been just outter repairs/ the ability for me to rebuild on friendships etc has not even begun really. There are some yes, & the supports are yet scattered but my limitations I guess he also used against me.. he seemed to take me from that which I knew then walk away.. They have such self annointed powers of which are so destructive. I'm sad lately for myself.. I feel sickened what he has done to his own life & that he destroyed mine.. nothing matters to him.

I'm glad you weren't upset, I do realize there are varying beliefs/ it does bother me when someone forces theirs on me.. I know even amongst Christians there are a lot of different thoughts & ways .. I've seen The worst fighting on a Christian forum I have ever witnessed. LOL I still consider myself Christian.. but I'm careful too where I post. It is an outlet & since I'm home quite a bit it helps me to connect.

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#12321 - 11/20/11 06:00 PM Re: Depression and healing [Re: 1Healing]
starry Offline
member

Registered: 01/06/11
Posts: 350
Originally Posted By: 1Healing
That's right.. It is confusing to me how it is as if he zoned in on everything important then upset that realm of my life before discarding.


That's exactly it! That's exactly the technique they use. Someone else might have different interests and passions, but they technique is always the same.

Originally Posted By: 1Healing

I think the reason it takes so long & even a lifetime to heal is that they seem to undo all of the attachments of a healthy life, & one's reputation is also along with this/ if they are forced or walk away from that which is meaningful because of another then that person throws them to the curb which is what happened (over & over), it can cause such huge damage.


And this is what triggers me so much, I've just come to realise it in the past few months. The reputation thing is really important to me, to behave well, with dignity, fairness, calmness, to always think before you speak. I work really hard to be able to hold my head high in society.

Well, someone who threatens to say bad things about me to other people really triggers me. I feel like a child, 'please believe me, please believe me'.

I think I've learnt how to deal with this now, at least from how it would seem from the outside looking in, even if I still get upset by it. Hopefully, eventually, I'll get the hang of it, and feel like I'm on solid ground within.

Originally Posted By: 1Healing

The holidays are a rough time for me this yr. Last yr wasn't even as bad. I guess I'm finally about to hit bottom.. then I will be able to build again. Since he's been gone it's yet been just outter repairs/ the ability for me to rebuild on friendships etc has not even begun really. There are some yes, & the supports are yet scattered but my limitations I guess he also used against me.. he seemed to take me from that which I knew then walk away.. They have such self annointed powers of which are so destructive. I'm sad lately for myself.. I feel sickened what he has done to his own life & that he destroyed mine.. nothing matters to him.


That's exactly right, nothing matters to them. What a sad, limited life they have! They know nothing of the joy of friendship, of genuine sharing, of happiness in another's success (whatever that may be).

It's only now, in advanced middle age, that I feel I have the courage to have friends. I don't feel sad about it though.

Originally Posted By: 1Healing

I'm glad you weren't upset, I do realize there are varying beliefs/ it does bother me when someone forces theirs on me.. I know even amongst Christians there are a lot of different thoughts & ways .. I've seen The worst fighting on a Christian forum I have ever witnessed. LOL I still consider myself Christian.. but I'm careful too where I post. It is an outlet & since I'm home quite a bit it helps me to connect.


Absolutely no offence taken. We all find our own ways through all of this. And if it works for us, it's right for us. It's not for another to judge smile

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#12330 - 11/21/11 06:23 PM Re: Depression and healing [Re: starry]
Dianne E. Offline

Administrator
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Registered: 11/15/02
Posts: 2788
Loc: United States
I have had a couple of professionals recommend a light box for lifting depression. Where I am living now the weather stinks, more winter than summer. I think it is actually helping.

I found a great deal on one at Amazon, normally they run around $150 but found the same one that was recommended for $80.00 including shipping. If anyone wants the information I can post it. I have been using it for the last week and some of the fog seems to be lifting.

Di

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