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#12335 - 11/22/11 05:49 AM How do I stop feeling bitter and angry?
Aurelia Offline
member

Registered: 11/21/11
Posts: 2
Hi everyone,


I've been dealing with some issues lately regarding someone I'll call James who used me, betrayed me and hurt me again and again even after they said they'd stop. After I saw that he wasn't making real effort to stop, I just broke our relationship off. I don't really want to go into great detail about it. Anyhow, let me start off by explaining how I found this place.

I was reading the book called Puzzling People, a book about psychopathy and narcissism. I noticed that a lot of the personality traits of psychopaths matched that of James's personality. It talked about a lot of the things he did to me, explaining how he treated me to a T. I don't think he's necessarily a psycho though. Probably just extremely narcissistic, which is similar. What I know is that he has an abusive, wife beating father. His father even attempted rape on his mother a few times. I guess you could say James learned how to be the way he is from watching his father. But anyhow, how James got that way doesn't matter now. What's done is done.

So, in this book I mentioned above, it had a page that referenced recovery websites, forums etc and that's how I found this place. I guess you could say that this place is what I've been looking for. I've been feeling like I need some kind of help in dealing some of this.

Before I managed to cut James off, I started feeling really drained, depressed and angry. My head was in a sort of haze and I didn't understand anything that was going on. He's was lying to me all the time, and I knew it, but I ignored it. That's something that was killing me. I started to feel suicidal, and so I knew I had to get out. A part of me knew that healthy relationships weren't supposed to make you feel like complete and utter hell.

So anyhow, I got out. It's been 2/3 months now since we haven't seen/spoken to each other. I'm dealing with it, but not so well I don't think. My ability to think clearly is messed up, my brain is scattered, I'm having difficulty even understanding what I'm saying. I noticed I have become less coherent.

But something that remains above all else is righteous anger and bitterness. That's part of the reason I do not want to go into great detail about what happened. It hurts to the point of me feeling so angry I want to explode. It's like my anger has become a buffer. The very knowledge that I was lied to from day one, and had my feelings played with like a toy enrages me. A few days ago I was sitting in the kitchen alone with a glass of water. I started to think about James, how angry I was with him. My hands started shaking and the glass in my hand cracked.

I'm just feeling so angry, so bitter, so hateful now. I feel like I'm not who I used to be. I used to be peaceful minded, happy, kind, accepting, forgiving, understanding. But I feel like I've changed. I'm not all those things anymore.
I feel like I'm not a good person anymore, for feeling like this. It's like all of my thoughts are bitter, negative, angry, ugly. I feel like I want to hurt him, cause him pain, make him suffer as revenge. I feel like the only thing that would make me feel better would be hurting him back like he did me.

I've started to try channeling my anger. I've taken up learning to kick box. It helps a bit with giving me something to focus my anger on, but the anger and bitterness are still there. I just feel so bitter towards everyone now. I've started thinking that everyone is lying when they're being nice, that they just want to hurt me. I've started to become massively paranoid when a man comes near me, or even talks to me, I think all they want is to use me for their own gain, even if a part of me sees they aren't.

And I've generally just become what you could call a byotch. Practically yelling all the time, being aggressive with everyone. Being cold, mean.

I can remember in the past, when I met men or women like that, I thought they were just plain mean people. Now I understand that for some women, the reason the become cold and mean is a defense mechanism because they've been hurt and don't know how to deal with it in a positive way.

I don't want to be like that forever frown I see it in myself. I see my future as being a mean, aggressive tyrant who hates and distrusts everyone. I don't want to be someone so insecure that I constantly accuse people of being ill intentioned.


How do I not become this horrible person? How have other people here dealt with some form of abuse and gotten over it without becoming monsters themselves?

If anyone out there has any advice or has been through something similar, I'd like you to tell me how you managed to break free of all the darkness that builds up within. How do victims (of anything) move on and not let past traumas be projected onto everything you do?


All feedback is appreciated.

Thank you.


( .s I hope I posted this in the right place)


Edited by Aurelia (11/22/11 07:35 AM)

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#12349 - 11/24/11 12:14 AM Re: How do I stop feeling bitter and angry? [Re: Aurelia]
blueheron Offline
member

Registered: 10/14/11
Posts: 84
Aurelia, you are not a horrible person. You are a person to whom horrible things have happened. And you have every right to be angry, indignant, and vengeful.

It is a real shock, too, to be faced with the idea that there are people in this world who will take advantage of our honesty, peacefulness, patience, and understanding. I don't know what to tell you about figuring out which ones they are. It does seem easier to bite everyone first before they bite you, but it sure gets old.

All I can tell you is my experience in dealing with such trauma in the past took a while. Understanding, forgiving yourself, being kind to yourself goes a long way in healing. I wish I could tell you more good things, but I'm not sure I have the wisdom right now, and not sure it would be coherent. Just wanted you to know someone was reading and thinking about what you have to say.

If you have anything good you can be thankful for, spend a little time thinking about it.
Happy Thanksgiving

blue heron

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#12404 - 12/04/11 05:19 PM Re: How do I stop feeling bitter and angry? [Re: Aurelia]
stillLearning Offline
member

Registered: 12/04/11
Posts: 1
I just came across this post looking for answers trying to cope with the same issues.

I keep waking up crying almost daily. I get frustrated and angry that I let someone in that took advantage of me and I just basically didn't want to see it happening.

I was lied to, verbally abused and totally taken advantage of and I'm feeling the same resentment and anger that you mentioned.

I also don't feel like myself, I was pretty happy before I met this person and just feel like they sucked that all away and left someone bitter and untrusting.

I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone at all.

The only thing I can thank this person for is teaching me that I need to pay attention to redflags and not ignore my instincts because I saw alot of things before it all escalated and I just didn't do anything about it.

I think I'm more furious with myself than this person.

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#12405 - 12/05/11 02:31 AM Re: How do I stop feeling bitter and angry? [Re: stillLearning]
starry Offline
member

Registered: 01/06/11
Posts: 350
I can relate to a lot of what you've written there.

I struggled for a long time with a really murderous rage. If I'd found myself in front of my dad and someone had given me a knife, I swear, I would have killed him for everything that he did to me, and more than that, for everything that he did to all those other people he hurt.

At the same time though, I was determined that I would never sink to his level and that I would be a better person than him.

And at the same time, I was really proud of my anger. Because to survive him I'd had to stifle every single feeling I'd ever had and focus on him and where he was at, rather than how I felt about anything.

It was so difficult to try and reconcile all those different feelings.

I don't know when it changed. I think I realised at the same time that I had access to this tremendous store of energy (the anger), and also that the girl I had been had saved my life. Instead of hating her for how she had reacted, I remember realising that she deserved a medal. I felt this huge amount of tenderness and compassion for her, and it was like this huge rift in my life was suddenly joined together again.

Later, I also realised I had been able to use a lot of the feelings I'd had in the past in a very constructive way, instead of a destructive way. And this made me very proud, because I knew that I was fundamentally different from him.

So I guess it became less about him, more about me. A big part of it was realising all those things I had done to survive. And then about finding a way to use all the feelings I had to move forwards in a positive way.

From what you've written it seems to me you're still taking on a lot of the responsibility for what happened. 'I get frustrated and angry that I let someone in that took advantage of me and I just basically didn't want to see it happening.' 'I need to pay attention to redflags and not ignore my instincts because I saw alot of things before it all escalated and I just didn't do anything about it.'

These people deliberately set out to get into a position of power with someone, they deliberately set out to get into their lives and into their heads. That's what they spend their lives doing, that is the single main aim they have. It's not like any of the main aims that you or I may have for our lives (comfort, warmth, friends, family, love, understanding, compassion, coherence). They become very practised at it.

And they also become very good at confusing people. I think we can all describe a moment where we had a very strong gut feeling that something was not right, but that a voice in our heads said something different. This is the divide these people set out to exploit, because it creates confusion and leads us to doubt ourselves. This in turn leads to inaction on our part, and that's exactly where they want us, confused, questioning ourselves, chasing our tails, running round in circles.

You did what you did because you are a normal person and not like them. I once heard someone describe it as trying to fight against a nuclear explosion with a brown paper bag. Such a great analogy, as it really describes the force of what these people do.

The happiness you had is a part of you. Nobody can take that away from you. I promise it is still there, buried underneath all this other stuff. You will be able to access that part of you again, it's not gone. I know this because you are here, alive. You came through the other side. That proves to me you're a survivor and have an instinct for life. When it came down to the crunch, when your back was to the wall, when you were totally disempowered, that's what you chose. You chose to get away, you chose life.


Edited by starry (12/05/11 02:33 AM)

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#12407 - 12/05/11 05:53 AM Re: How do I stop feeling bitter and angry? [Re: Aurelia]
cjp1 Offline
member

Registered: 04/28/11
Posts: 34
Hi Aurelia,
I was reading your post and I really felt for you, I can understand how you feel - for a long time I was full of hatred and crippling anger, as I was brought up by a psychopath stepfather. I thought I needed counselling, I thought I could never recover from this blackness, this feeling that when I imagined his face I wanted to smash it in, when I thought of him all I wanted to do was kick him until he got as far away from me as possible. I wanted revenge. I also felt that my personality had been taken away, that he was literally, like some kind of succubus, sucking the life out of me, feeding off my energies and leaving me a shadow of my former self. And this was all from a distance, because he was inside my head, meddling with my sense of identity and destroying any hope for the future. I felt as though I would be bitter and depleted all my life.

I don't know how to offer you advice on how to recover but all I can say is, you will, when you are ready. You shouldn't blame yourself for anything he did to you, you have been an innocent person who has been abused by someone heartless and cruel. You mustn't blame yourself or be angry with yourself for what happened. Patience is very important, everything is cyclical, and it will come round to where it was before, your personality and happiness will re-assert themselves in time. Just be patient and kind to yourself. Something I realised recently which has enabled me to let go of a lot of my anger is that he can only affect me if I allow him to. I can choose to totally ignore what he did to me, to feel indifferent and forget him. He doesn't even have to have damaging effects, despite abusing me emotionally for years. There's no point feeling anger towards him. It's not about him, it's about me. I am more important than him and his stupid rage and cruelty. My happiness is more important than caving in to what he wants - which is to upset, weaken and destroy me. This man will not be able to do the same to you, because you're smart enough to have realised what was going on, and to have left. You will not end up a bitter, angry person, though you may feel that now, because you are smart enough and self-aware enough to be concerned about that.

All I can say is, hang in there, however bad it feels right now, this will pass. Even if you can't see how this will happen, or when, or it feels like you will never go back to being yourself again- you will, trust me. We are remarkably resilient and tough. One day your happiness and trust in people will return. I didn't believe it would happen to me, I had been severely depressed for a long time, then one day it started to lift. Read up, visit forums, meditate, do things that make you happy, think about and focus on things that are positive, and you will one day feel a whole lot better. At the very least, know that you can always log on here and chat to people who really do understand what you're going through and are here to support you.
xx
Good luck
cjp

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#12408 - 12/05/11 03:44 PM Re: How do I stop feeling bitter and angry? [Re: cjp1]
1Healing Offline
member

Registered: 10/25/11
Posts: 87
What good came of it in hindsight.. the longer it is past the more things float away like it was completely without a reason other than his vain ego in the end. I lost every ounce of respect for him, in the lies he said to me in the beginning as it turns out, it was an illusion.

Some people in this world work hard for things, they make good on their word, they are kind hearted & follow through. There are others that are lazy, users, liars, & con artists.

I have not waivered from what God Shows me ongoing of how this will turn out.. My beliefs, Christian & of, Heaven/Hell/Purgatory. My concern is to please GOD & go to Heaven.

What matters to me is beauty of the soul. He never cared about me. His words meant nothing. God Sees All.

I also know that I am beautiful to others, & that I was not to ex h Psychopath.

I go on living in the reality of which is mine & continue to work to please The Lord. I have always felt there are those in my life that see me, my spiritual self & my goodness. This person I knew did not.


Edited by 1Healing (12/05/11 03:45 PM)

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#12409 - 12/05/11 07:11 PM Re: How do I stop feeling bitter and angry? [Re: starry]
1Healing Offline
member

Registered: 10/25/11
Posts: 87
starry, I always find your post replies helpful, not saying others aren't, it's just having been married to this person & to have gone in with an open heart & belief that he meant what he said.. to come out with not only nothing but my life as before completely destroyed, it helps to hear how you have walked through this.
I have never felt so enraged of an anger at another human being before this person. Noone has caused me greater harm yet promised me the world. I admire you greatly. I hear a very healed, strong gal who gets it. When I come here angry, overwhelmed still (& I know it will last a long time) it gives me hope to read your replies, your journey of healing. Thanks for sharing as you do.



Originally Posted By: starry
I can relate to a lot of what you've written there.

I struggled for a long time with a really murderous rage. If I'd found myself in front of my dad and someone had given me a knife, I swear, I would have killed him for everything that he did to me, and more than that, for everything that he did to all those other people he hurt.

At the same time though, I was determined that I would never sink to his level and that I would be a better person than him.

And at the same time, I was really proud of my anger. Because to survive him I'd had to stifle every single feeling I'd ever had and focus on him and where he was at, rather than how I felt about anything.

It was so difficult to try and reconcile all those different feelings.

I don't know when it changed. I think I realised at the same time that I had access to this tremendous store of energy (the anger), and also that the girl I had been had saved my life. Instead of hating her for how she had reacted, I remember realising that she deserved a medal. I felt this huge amount of tenderness and compassion for her, and it was like this huge rift in my life was suddenly joined together again.

Later, I also realised I had been able to use a lot of the feelings I'd had in the past in a very constructive way, instead of a destructive way. And this made me very proud, because I knew that I was fundamentally different from him.

So I guess it became less about him, more about me. A big part of it was realising all those things I had done to survive. And then about finding a way to use all the feelings I had to move forwards in a positive way.

From what you've written it seems to me you're still taking on a lot of the responsibility for what happened. 'I get frustrated and angry that I let someone in that took advantage of me and I just basically didn't want to see it happening.' 'I need to pay attention to redflags and not ignore my instincts because I saw alot of things before it all escalated and I just didn't do anything about it.'

These people deliberately set out to get into a position of power with someone, they deliberately set out to get into their lives and into their heads. That's what they spend their lives doing, that is the single main aim they have. It's not like any of the main aims that you or I may have for our lives (comfort, warmth, friends, family, love, understanding, compassion, coherence). They become very practised at it.

And they also become very good at confusing people. I think we can all describe a moment where we had a very strong gut feeling that something was not right, but that a voice in our heads said something different. This is the divide these people set out to exploit, because it creates confusion and leads us to doubt ourselves. This in turn leads to inaction on our part, and that's exactly where they want us, confused, questioning ourselves, chasing our tails, running round in circles.

You did what you did because you are a normal person and not like them. I once heard someone describe it as trying to fight against a nuclear explosion with a brown paper bag. Such a great analogy, as it really describes the force of what these people do.

The happiness you had is a part of you. Nobody can take that away from you. I promise it is still there, buried underneath all this other stuff. You will be able to access that part of you again, it's not gone. I know this because you are here, alive. You came through the other side. That proves to me you're a survivor and have an instinct for life. When it came down to the crunch, when your back was to the wall, when you were totally disempowered, that's what you chose. You chose to get away, you chose life.

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#12410 - 12/05/11 10:28 PM Re: How do I stop feeling bitter and angry? [Re: Aurelia]
blueheron Offline
member

Registered: 10/14/11
Posts: 84
Starry, thanks so much for sharing your insight. You say things so well, and make such good sense. You have finally been able to take all the things that still whirl in my head and make them be still and make sense, and you express it all with such depth -- I keep sitting here reading what you say, going "yeah! yeah!"

I'm really grateful to you for it. Thanks.
blue heron

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#12411 - 12/06/11 03:41 AM Re: How do I stop feeling bitter and angry? [Re: blueheron]
starry Offline
member

Registered: 01/06/11
Posts: 350
Thank you so much for your kind words.

Reading what you write, the things you are still trying to work out, and writing an answer really helps me too.

It's really not about us. It's everything to do with them. The resources we find within ourselves in order to deal with it all, both during and after, are ours and ours alone. They are not some kind of 'gift' from them. They are part of who we are, and we access them and use them in order to survive both during and after. That's where I'm at at the moment...

Hope this day brings you peace.

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#12412 - 12/06/11 04:01 AM Re: How do I stop feeling bitter and angry? [Re: stillLearning]
starry Offline
member

Registered: 01/06/11
Posts: 350
Originally Posted By: stillLearning


The only thing I can thank this person for is teaching me that I need to pay attention to redflags and not ignore my instincts because I saw alot of things before it all escalated and I just didn't do anything about it.

I think I'm more furious with myself than this person.



I've been mulling this part of your post over, because I couldn't answer it before. I think I might have an answer now and it kind of ties in with my own experience.

Someone I know quite well (while knowing a little about my dad but without her knowing about the full horror of what I was subjected to) once asked me if I was grateful for what he had taught me. I couldn't really answer her. I was really struggling for words. I think it's because he didn't teach me anything. He was the perpetrator of my nightmare, I was the person he perpetrated it on.

You see, I think there's a very clear line of division here. And I feel that a lot of people don't get this, even very senior mental health professionals. One told me about six months ago that I was 'lucky to be alive' after I described some of what he did/put me through. She made me really angry in that moment, and I pretty much spat my answer back at her 'It wasn't luck! I was never a victim, I was never going to be a victim, I was always a survivor, from the very first moment'.

I chose to get out, I chose to cut off contact with him, I chose the healing path, I chose to learn what I could from all of this, I chose life over death.

Do you get it? All those things you mention that you've learnt, are what you have learnt. You've thought about your experience and drawn a conclusion from it. You, not him, not anyone else, have been your own teacher.

And that is something to be enormously proud of. Because these things are very hard to think about and make your own narrative from.

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