Hi everyone,


I've been dealing with some issues lately regarding someone I'll call James who used me, betrayed me and hurt me again and again even after they said they'd stop. After I saw that he wasn't making real effort to stop, I just broke our relationship off. I don't really want to go into great detail about it. Anyhow, let me start off by explaining how I found this place.

I was reading the book called Puzzling People, a book about psychopathy and narcissism. I noticed that a lot of the personality traits of psychopaths matched that of James's personality. It talked about a lot of the things he did to me, explaining how he treated me to a T. I don't think he's necessarily a psycho though. Probably just extremely narcissistic, which is similar. What I know is that he has an abusive, wife beating father. His father even attempted rape on his mother a few times. I guess you could say James learned how to be the way he is from watching his father. But anyhow, how James got that way doesn't matter now. What's done is done.

So, in this book I mentioned above, it had a page that referenced recovery websites, forums etc and that's how I found this place. I guess you could say that this place is what I've been looking for. I've been feeling like I need some kind of help in dealing some of this.

Before I managed to cut James off, I started feeling really drained, depressed and angry. My head was in a sort of haze and I didn't understand anything that was going on. He's was lying to me all the time, and I knew it, but I ignored it. That's something that was killing me. I started to feel suicidal, and so I knew I had to get out. A part of me knew that healthy relationships weren't supposed to make you feel like complete and utter hell.

So anyhow, I got out. It's been 2/3 months now since we haven't seen/spoken to each other. I'm dealing with it, but not so well I don't think. My ability to think clearly is messed up, my brain is scattered, I'm having difficulty even understanding what I'm saying. I noticed I have become less coherent.

But something that remains above all else is righteous anger and bitterness. That's part of the reason I do not want to go into great detail about what happened. It hurts to the point of me feeling so angry I want to explode. It's like my anger has become a buffer. The very knowledge that I was lied to from day one, and had my feelings played with like a toy enrages me. A few days ago I was sitting in the kitchen alone with a glass of water. I started to think about James, how angry I was with him. My hands started shaking and the glass in my hand cracked.

I'm just feeling so angry, so bitter, so hateful now. I feel like I'm not who I used to be. I used to be peaceful minded, happy, kind, accepting, forgiving, understanding. But I feel like I've changed. I'm not all those things anymore.
I feel like I'm not a good person anymore, for feeling like this. It's like all of my thoughts are bitter, negative, angry, ugly. I feel like I want to hurt him, cause him pain, make him suffer as revenge. I feel like the only thing that would make me feel better would be hurting him back like he did me.

I've started to try channeling my anger. I've taken up learning to kick box. It helps a bit with giving me something to focus my anger on, but the anger and bitterness are still there. I just feel so bitter towards everyone now. I've started thinking that everyone is lying when they're being nice, that they just want to hurt me. I've started to become massively paranoid when a man comes near me, or even talks to me, I think all they want is to use me for their own gain, even if a part of me sees they aren't.

And I've generally just become what you could call a byotch. Practically yelling all the time, being aggressive with everyone. Being cold, mean.

I can remember in the past, when I met men or women like that, I thought they were just plain mean people. Now I understand that for some women, the reason the become cold and mean is a defense mechanism because they've been hurt and don't know how to deal with it in a positive way.

I don't want to be like that forever I see it in myself. I see my future as being a mean, aggressive tyrant who hates and distrusts everyone. I don't want to be someone so insecure that I constantly accuse people of being ill intentioned.


How do I not become this horrible person? How have other people here dealt with some form of abuse and gotten over it without becoming monsters themselves?

If anyone out there has any advice or has been through something similar, I'd like you to tell me how you managed to break free of all the darkness that builds up within. How do victims (of anything) move on and not let past traumas be projected onto everything you do?


All feedback is appreciated.

Thank you.


( .s I hope I posted this in the right place)

Aurelia, you are not a horrible person. You are a person to whom horrible things have happened. And you have every right to be angry, indignant, and vengeful.

It is a real shock, too, to be faced with the idea that there are people in this world who will take advantage of our honesty, peacefulness, patience, and understanding. I don't know what to tell you about figuring out which ones they are. It does seem easier to bite everyone first before they bite you, but it sure gets old.

All I can tell you is my experience in dealing with such trauma in the past took a while. Understanding, forgiving yourself, being kind to yourself goes a long way in healing. I wish I could tell you more good things, but I'm not sure I have the wisdom right now, and not sure it would be coherent. Just wanted you to know someone was reading and thinking about what you have to say.

If you have anything good you can be thankful for, spend a little time thinking about it.
Happy Thanksgiving

blue heron

I just came across this post looking for answers trying to cope with the same issues.

I keep waking up crying almost daily. I get frustrated and angry that I let someone in that took advantage of me and I just basically didn't want to see it happening.

I was lied to, verbally abused and totally taken advantage of and I'm feeling the same resentment and anger that you mentioned.

I also don't feel like myself, I was pretty happy before I met this person and just feel like they sucked that all away and left someone bitter and untrusting.

I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone at all.

The only thing I can thank this person for is teaching me that I need to pay attention to redflags and not ignore my instincts because I saw alot of things before it all escalated and I just didn't do anything about it.

I think I'm more furious with myself than this person.

I can relate to a lot of what you've written there.

I struggled for a long time with a really murderous rage. If I'd found myself in front of my dad and someone had given me a knife, I swear, I would have killed him for everything that he did to me, and more than that, for everything that he did to all those other people he hurt.

At the same time though, I was determined that I would never sink to his level and that I would be a better person than him.

And at the same time, I was really proud of my anger. Because to survive him I'd had to stifle every single feeling I'd ever had and focus on him and where he was at, rather than how I felt about anything.

It was so difficult to try and reconcile all those different feelings.

I don't know when it changed. I think I realised at the same time that I had access to this tremendous store of energy (the anger), and also that the girl I had been had saved my life. Instead of hating her for how she had reacted, I remember realising that she deserved a medal. I felt this huge amount of tenderness and compassion for her, and it was like this huge rift in my life was suddenly joined together again.

Later, I also realised I had been able to use a lot of the feelings I'd had in the past in a very constructive way, instead of a destructive way. And this made me very proud, because I knew that I was fundamentally different from him.

So I guess it became less about him, more about me. A big part of it was realising all those things I had done to survive. And then about finding a way to use all the feelings I had to move forwards in a positive way.

From what you've written it seems to me you're still taking on a lot of the responsibility for what happened. 'I get frustrated and angry that I let someone in that took advantage of me and I just basically didn't want to see it happening.' 'I need to pay attention to redflags and not ignore my instincts because I saw alot of things before it all escalated and I just didn't do anything about it.'

These people deliberately set out to get into a position of power with someone, they deliberately set out to get into their lives and into their heads. That's what they spend their lives doing, that is the single main aim they have. It's not like any of the main aims that you or I may have for our lives (comfort, warmth, friends, family, love, understanding, compassion, coherence). They become very practised at it.

And they also become very good at confusing people. I think we can all describe a moment where we had a very strong gut feeling that something was not right, but that a voice in our heads said something different. This is the divide these people set out to exploit, because it creates confusion and leads us to doubt ourselves. This in turn leads to inaction on our part, and that's exactly where they want us, confused, questioning ourselves, chasing our tails, running round in circles.

You did what you did because you are a normal person and not like them. I once heard someone describe it as trying to fight against a nuclear explosion with a brown paper bag. Such a great analogy, as it really describes the force of what these people do.

The happiness you had is a part of you. Nobody can take that away from you. I promise it is still there, buried underneath all this other stuff. You will be able to access that part of you again, it's not gone. I know this because you are here, alive. You came through the other side. That proves to me you're a survivor and have an instinct for life. When it came down to the crunch, when your back was to the wall, when you were totally disempowered, that's what you chose. You chose to get away, you chose life.

Hi Aurelia,
I was reading your post and I really felt for you, I can understand how you feel - for a long time I was full of hatred and crippling anger, as I was brought up by a psychopath stepfather. I thought I needed counselling, I thought I could never recover from this blackness, this feeling that when I imagined his face I wanted to smash it in, when I thought of him all I wanted to do was kick him until he got as far away from me as possible. I wanted revenge. I also felt that my personality had been taken away, that he was literally, like some kind of succubus, sucking the life out of me, feeding off my energies and leaving me a shadow of my former self. And this was all from a distance, because he was inside my head, meddling with my sense of identity and destroying any hope for the future. I felt as though I would be bitter and depleted all my life.

I don't know how to offer you advice on how to recover but all I can say is, you will, when you are ready. You shouldn't blame yourself for anything he did to you, you have been an innocent person who has been abused by someone heartless and cruel. You mustn't blame yourself or be angry with yourself for what happened. Patience is very important, everything is cyclical, and it will come round to where it was before, your personality and happiness will re-assert themselves in time. Just be patient and kind to yourself. Something I realised recently which has enabled me to let go of a lot of my anger is that he can only affect me if I allow him to. I can choose to totally ignore what he did to me, to feel indifferent and forget him. He doesn't even have to have damaging effects, despite abusing me emotionally for years. There's no point feeling anger towards him. It's not about him, it's about me. I am more important than him and his stupid rage and cruelty. My happiness is more important than caving in to what he wants - which is to upset, weaken and destroy me. This man will not be able to do the same to you, because you're smart enough to have realised what was going on, and to have left. You will not end up a bitter, angry person, though you may feel that now, because you are smart enough and self-aware enough to be concerned about that.

All I can say is, hang in there, however bad it feels right now, this will pass. Even if you can't see how this will happen, or when, or it feels like you will never go back to being yourself again- you will, trust me. We are remarkably resilient and tough. One day your happiness and trust in people will return. I didn't believe it would happen to me, I had been severely depressed for a long time, then one day it started to lift. Read up, visit forums, meditate, do things that make you happy, think about and focus on things that are positive, and you will one day feel a whole lot better. At the very least, know that you can always log on here and chat to people who really do understand what you're going through and are here to support you.
xx
Good luck
cjp

What good came of it in hindsight.. the longer it is past the more things float away like it was completely without a reason other than his vain ego in the end. I lost every ounce of respect for him, in the lies he said to me in the beginning as it turns out, it was an illusion.

Some people in this world work hard for things, they make good on their word, they are kind hearted & follow through. There are others that are lazy, users, liars, & con artists.

I have not waivered from what God Shows me ongoing of how this will turn out.. My beliefs, Christian & of, Heaven/Hell/Purgatory. My concern is to please GOD & go to Heaven.

What matters to me is beauty of the soul. He never cared about me. His words meant nothing. God Sees All.

I also know that I am beautiful to others, & that I was not to ex h Psychopath.

I go on living in the reality of which is mine & continue to work to please The Lord. I have always felt there are those in my life that see me, my spiritual self & my goodness. This person I knew did not.

starry, I always find your post replies helpful, not saying others aren't, it's just having been married to this person & to have gone in with an open heart & belief that he meant what he said.. to come out with not only nothing but my life as before completely destroyed, it helps to hear how you have walked through this.
I have never felt so enraged of an anger at another human being before this person. Noone has caused me greater harm yet promised me the world. I admire you greatly. I hear a very healed, strong gal who gets it. When I come here angry, overwhelmed still (& I know it will last a long time) it gives me hope to read your replies, your journey of healing. Thanks for sharing as you do.

Starry, thanks so much for sharing your insight. You say things so well, and make such good sense. You have finally been able to take all the things that still whirl in my head and make them be still and make sense, and you express it all with such depth -- I keep sitting here reading what you say, going "yeah! yeah!"

I'm really grateful to you for it. Thanks.
blue heron

Thank you so much for your kind words.

Reading what you write, the things you are still trying to work out, and writing an answer really helps me too.

It's really not about us. It's everything to do with them. The resources we find within ourselves in order to deal with it all, both during and after, are ours and ours alone. They are not some kind of 'gift' from them. They are part of who we are, and we access them and use them in order to survive both during and after. That's where I'm at at the moment...

Hope this day brings you peace.

I've been mulling this part of your post over, because I couldn't answer it before. I think I might have an answer now and it kind of ties in with my own experience.

Someone I know quite well (while knowing a little about my dad but without her knowing about the full horror of what I was subjected to) once asked me if I was grateful for what he had taught me. I couldn't really answer her. I was really struggling for words. I think it's because he didn't teach me anything. He was the perpetrator of my nightmare, I was the person he perpetrated it on.

You see, I think there's a very clear line of division here. And I feel that a lot of people don't get this, even very senior mental health professionals. One told me about six months ago that I was 'lucky to be alive' after I described some of what he did/put me through. She made me really angry in that moment, and I pretty much spat my answer back at her 'It wasn't luck! I was never a victim, I was never going to be a victim, I was always a survivor, from the very first moment'.

I chose to get out, I chose to cut off contact with him, I chose the healing path, I chose to learn what I could from all of this, I chose life over death.

Do you get it? All those things you mention that you've learnt, are what you have learnt. You've thought about your experience and drawn a conclusion from it. You, not him, not anyone else, have been your own teacher.

And that is something to be enormously proud of. Because these things are very hard to think about and make your own narrative from.

What is difficult for me to wrap my head around is how they claim to be the victim, everytime.

In my life prior to this person, I had a well rounded existance that was stable. It wasn't perfect but it was overall stable. He undid all of this, very methodically & purposed to where my life doesn't even resemble what it did before. He wanted me away from my faith of origin, those connections in regard (practicing the faith, etc), I moved, he moved us over & over; he wanted us to follow through on supposed mission from God & EVERYTHING was at my expense. He walked away.. dismissed himself from it all/ & would then say, that he was abused.

HUH? He would suck me in & spit me out, until I as toast/ in debt/etc. I had to sell property that I took a huge loss on & had noone to help me sell it which would not be a big deal but I couldn't even get to it so I had to everything via the telephone which was insane. The help I did get cost me a lot of money, & it was not in a way where I could have gotten sold on my own. Anyways, what nauseates me to no end is their continual merging with others (promiscuous lifestyle/multiple marriages) & in the name of God is what ex h Psychopath would do as well. It feels to me like soul rape.

I do not believe I will recover in the respect of making sense of it all & since I wanted to marry one time it's not easy for me to think of dating again/ although at times I do & am processing in regards. I want to be out there again/ have relationships, I miss being touched,hugged & kissed & I do think of the other men that I have met since he left/ of which I do have more feelings for. Noone did me more wrong than ex h Psychopath. IF he had wanted out, if he didn't want to be with me he could have ended it early on, but it was a game/cat & mouse/ toy with (me), in the name of GOD, a mission, other half. It is a con artist. I'm guessing he goes about sleeping with whomever would pay the rent/ having affairs & looking again for his other half/soulmate. No other person has strung me along & kicked me to the curb as this. The disability I have causes me many limitations when my life is not set up to where I can function well & he made sure to undo all of what I had. The whole of it is surreal yet to me/cruelty beyond belief.

Starry, I had a therapist when I was still with him tell me that she was concerned about me & my safety. He was gone at the time & then came back but she had said at that time she didn't have a good feeling about it. The incidents of his packing my bags at drop of hat, making me homeless numerous times, many other instances, & to this day & likely for a long time to come, it will be of repair from the damage he caused. I believe we answer to GOD & I can say, I forgive but I do not forget. Forgiveness to me means I do not go back, that I don't pretend but that I live in reality.

It's like having a storm of unGodly proportion come along & wreak havoc on one's life. The ONLY insurance I had was my relationship with GOD/ ex h Psychopath walked away with everything else.

My rebuilding will take years. It is beyond human understanding.

I appreciate the forum, insight/s .. Starry when I read your replies I am aware this was your dad, your biological parent & it is important to your psyche that you see things in balance, his positive traits along with the negative; which is the way people do need to see others anyway, in balance (& you do).

The thing is with psychopaths they never live a life of balance, it's continual upheaval/chaos/undoing..

The whole thing was a joke to him, no different than a computer game; I meant nothing to this individual. When with them/ they force the person to focus on them, not on anything outside of themselves, a greater purpose is not allowed (by their addiction to the chaos/arguing). It's feined, mentioned but the stability is never permitted/ thus the focus remains on them. THAT is what became so clear & why it was easy in the end to let go. He was like a little kid, wanting a mother & forever seeking, "time-out." He got what he wanted.

Thank you for that.

But he has no positive traits. Not one.

A child needs love, comfort, support. He gave me none of that. And there were a million other things he chose to withhold from me (sleep, food, clothes...).

No, I can't find any positive traits about him at all.

I have to agree with Starry, I could spend the rest of my life and can't think of a single aspect that is positive about a Psychopath. I can think of a million of ways they destroy and destruct everyone in their path and can't think of anything positive they offer the world.

Di

They seem to be good at taking. One can give & give & they take. Relat ion ships are a two way street. Takes commitment/interaction.. give & take. In my adult life I am big into boundaries/ have been for yrs. I did end up with walls around my life but frankly I think a lot of that is also that I have been burned. The walls Are gone BUT I am still into boundaries. I do not give & give when I get nothing back. It's one thing for me to tithe for instance, or to do what I have to do in life, for the order of things, but with people, I think it's imperative to have boundaries, direction, & for those one is close to, give & take.

I am repulsed by disorder/chaos/ drama.. Whether it's online, in my own life, etc., I will detach from a situation that is way out of kilter. Those I am close to I work hard WITH THEM but if they block me at every turn/ run from/ will not talk thru & work out things/issues/ etc., to an agreeable state, then I can see it's NOT HEALTHY & I'm not afraid to walk away. The ONLY time I felt this was not an option was when I was married.. because of my vows I took which were binding in my eyes, HOWEVER he didn't see it that way & he was the one that LOVED chaos & dysfunction (in other words he walked, & oh well he wasn't wanting to be with me/// & for the life of me I have no idea why he married me.. if I was so repulsive to him that he had to fight/argue/come & go & leave me in HUGE debt).

Where I see such extreme dysfunction in society, relationships, the order of.. is where there is not a give & take. I don't/can't control others, I don't want to, it's ridiculous to even think a person can do so. My own belief system is one of free will (Christianity). God Allows us to choose/make choices in life!!!

What I remember with ex h Psychopath is this continual wanting to work through things... I would get up each day happy that I had him in my life, thinking what I would do that day, clean, volunteer, dinner, whatever it is.. would tell him I love him, but at each turn it seemed he was not happy/ would want to argue/ fight, etc. It was NEVER EVER about happiness, peace, give & take, solidity. Waht he GAVE was disorder/fighting/complete & utter unhappiness of.. whatever it was he chose that day. It was CRAZY.

I see a lot of that with others too. I've spent most of my life alone as in single. I HAVE to get along with myself.. LOL I HAVE to enjoy my own company. So I guess it just blows my mind when I see these games people play with each other. To me a relat ion ship is give & take.. like.. here I am, this is who I am.. can we work on..???? this /that etc.

Also I have not had the luxury of leaning into one person, I HAVE TO have a wellrounded life, friendS, get along with others that I am around because in order for my life to work since I don't have one person to lean into .. & ideally healthy marriage people DO work through things & DO have a well rounded life.. it takes time to adjust in a marriage BUT it's part of the goal (except for when with a Psychopath).

OVERALL I feel happy/at peace & those in my life that are around me like me it seems.. if they don't I can sense this & back off. I don't have to control people or believe that everyone is just like I am. Life IS about give & take. ie.. here's what I have to offer .. can we get along? that sort of thing. It has been nails on chalkboard for me over my lifetime to watch the arrogance that I see in some. I LOVE, & WANT TO get along with people, I WANT TO make a difference.. It also nauseates me to no end that I spent all that time with ex h Psychopath & I am sure he would not have one nice thing to say about me.. why was he in my life? why?

Something too I notice about some .. is the ones who are in dysfunctional relationships/marriages many yrs & have gotten comfortable/making excuses for another & then ongoing throw others under the bus.. I guess I am way too upfront /direct of a person to wind up like that/ & to each their own.. but leave me out of the crackerjack mess. IE if I was married to say, alcoholic husband & he was drinking I am NOT going to pretend he isn't, I would seek help (ie alanon), counseling etc to continue to work on.. but I see a lot of folks that PRETEND & make excuses for.. that's not me. I did take my vows with EVERY intention of keeping them & I didn't walk he did.. & I am NOT judging someone else for leaving a marriage but I know who I am.. & too I told him this upfront/ & he said he was the same exact way.. he would NEVER leave me & he would do EVERYTHING POSSIBLE for us to have a good life.. LIES LIES & MORE LIES. What do they do fabricate a new reality for each person they are with? I guess I am REALLY confused some days/minutes in regards.
Just feeling upset today.. at immaturity & disrespect that seems to be so rampant in society..the arrogance of/psychopathy/ drama.. YUCK!