I remember once, the eyes were black as night. It felt like I was staring into evil itself. Like something so filled with resent and hate I couldn't comprehend it. It's the only time someone's gaze has really intimidated me. I have seen anger, despair, misery and sadness in people's eyes. This was different. Only happened once for a brief moment.

James,
Well said. "Like something so filled with resentment and hate I couldn't comprehend it." I also only saw that look once and it scared me to death. It was like looking at sheer evil, and it was in such stark contrast to the way the psychopath had looked at me before. It is pretty frightening how quickly they turn from complete obsession with you looking at you like they want you, which you mistake for love, to sheer hatred of you. And you can see it all in their eyes.

My experience with my Psychopath was he had a creep Cheshire cat grin when he was tormenting me, it's like me pleading during his abuse made him really happy,it's like he enjoyed the challenge, it was so scarey. If I didn't plead he would just hurt until he got tears then he knew I was trying to hide the pain which only prolonged things. He especially smiled when I would try to run and hide from him, or one upped him on a plot like it was unexpected and amusing that I even dare try to out run or out smart him.

His eyes were off and very wrong as well, he had a strange stare his eyes would dilate along with his grin, they were like stickers you were expecting to fall of at any point and see some soulless demon black-eyed living behind them waiting to eat your entirety to bits soul and all. His eyes cut like knives you got a message all the time from them, like your going to suffer. He loved staring me straight in the eyes it was horrible.

When I met him I thought maybe that look was from his home life being so messed and all he had been threw, but I quickly realized that look was from being a sadistic animal after, before he really abused me he was talking about all the poor kittens and cats he tortured and killed, he smiled about there reactions and laughed at how they tried to escaped.

To this day rape face jokes make me angry and are triggering, because there is a face a psychopath makes/has and when it's directed at you it isn't funny at all-you are afraid for your life.

Hi Wandering_Star, welcome to our community. We hope you find the answers you are seeking and are here to help support you.

Di

Thank you Dianne

James, I have only seen those black eyes one time, and it was sadly enough, from a woman at church of all places. She had set herself up as my rival. She hated me the moment she laid eyes on me, and I will never know why. I hadn't been there long enough to have done anything to her. She spent four years making my life miserable, and never spoke one word directly to me until she did the black eyes thing.

I don't know how to describe what she did when her eyes got black that one time, but it was terribly evil. You'll all call me crazy if I tell the story, but I will say it almost killed me. I got so sick I lost my job, had to quit school, lost my position in church, lost most of my friends, almost lost my husband ... it was twelve years ago and I have never been physically well since.

I wanted to say welcome to Wandering Star. Bless your heart.

blue heron

Dianne, this is how I'm feeling. I have no idea why he hated me so much.. he kept trying to get me to be with him, then he'd leave, want to come back, I knew it was different than what I had had before as to dating, buthe insisted I was the one.. when I commited & we married then it was a game & like you describe it was this game seemingly to destroy me.
I don't know if I can recover from this as to the losses/ as you describe the impact is far reaching. When he left, he left town, me with the all the debt, to do all paperwork for everything (I still am swimming in paperwork from it all!)..

When I try to think/ WHY/ what in the world does he have so much hate for..
my family saw the same in him.. my poor parents are elderly & struggling & then to have to watch their middle aged daughter (disabled) to go through this.. it makes me sick.
It's been stressful for them to see me have to deal with all of this..

I felt that he was jealous maybe of my relationship with God, that I want to please HIM (GOD), & am repelled by doing what is not right in God's Eyes.. he would say I was jealous of him but that to me seemed totally absurd as I had a life prior & was content in myself..
They say psychopaths do not like the disabled/elderly/ those weaker than they are...
& I was thinking of this (not saying I am weak as I feel strong on the inside).. but as to this.. it's like they are jealous of those that need.. because they cannot love..any percieved weakness therefore is not allowed/ so it's a set up to destroy. I felt too he loved to see me upset & the destruction was of himself too in his habits.

I try so hard to understand WHY.. why the hate.. why?
I'd better get some rest for thanksgiving.

Why the hate?

It took me ages to find some kind of explanation. This one works for me. There might be others though.

We feel it very personally, partly because we have to deal with the effects of it all (emotional, physical, financial and so on).

But really, all that hate they feel is all about them. They feel deeply unworthy, hideous, monstrous. So they hide it with that super inflated, all powerful ego.

They also feel they have no real 'self'. So they hide that with the endless series of facades they show to people and the world.

All that is projected outwards, onto other people. Innocent people, bystanders almost, who end up getting caught up in all of that (because the psychopath draws them in, very deliberately and with great calculation).

It's not really about us, but it's all about them. And we end up covered in their bile and vomit.


Once I latched onto this train of thought, I felt really free of my dad. Hope you find some strength in that explanation.

Well said.. To me this is one way I think to tell a N too is they have nothing good to say about their, "vicims." When I was with ex h I was happy, I felt he was his real self with me, but it was like it could not maintain, he would Have to be mad, start fights, gaslight, silent treatment, then discard.
I remember when he would do this, getting mad at me, I would ask him to talk it out, if we could try to work through whatever issue/s .. he would not deny me access to him/ he enjoyed the hate/ the arguing.. I hated it, I would beg him to stop being mean to me.. it was just NUTS... CRAZY CRAZY STUFF! it was like he LOVED seeing me hurting.. the whole time was like this.. he'd be nice one or two days then bam/ he would be mad & wouldn't speak for hours, & it was about ridiculous things (a movie, something I would say & he did't like & I am nice person so it was not like I was mean to him.. but just my tone of voice or something then he would cut me off access to him/ rage & silent treatment.. I am SO GLAD to be away from that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!).
It is a game. I guess maybe this is what I need to keep hearing /reminding self. I did see if/feel it when he was with me, that it was like he did love me, but he would not allow the love to continue, often more than 1 day was insufficient before igniting some arguement.
I would tell him I loved him/try to give him hugs, ask him to please work things through with me ... never, it was like he was filled with hate/anger, possessed really.. he would block the love I was trying to show him.. this is how it went, always/ongoing with him.

Everytime things would calm down & we were getting into a routine then he would move out. He never allowed stabilization.
That is what was so different than others I have known. There have been a few at times I have been able to see upfront that they have this nature & I avoid them.. but it was like this side he would hide, then when with him/ all hell broke loose & yes it's a game.

Ariela, I can't imagine someone saying all men rape women.. I know it's good to be cautious to make sure & set boundaries when dating (or I would consider that healthy).. most men I have dated have been sweethearts.. it may not have worked out but that's why I waited to marry. It's just that I had no idea this person I was with didn't want to get along.

As to anger ongoing, I think the only anger I feel as to sustained is at ex h Psychopath. Others don't make me angry very easily. Sometimes I am hurt by something a person does, but it fades very quickly. This is the difference too with Psychopaths, they don't allow the love to flourish, the block it, they don't want it.. they say they do but when you love them/ then they set up road blocks.

It hasn't changed my basic nature/ I love people & badly want to heal from this (nightmare), but it will take me time. I've never had a problem with being an angry person.. maybe too nice sometimes that I need to not care as much/ but my anger is at him & how he kept coming back to me then leaving & he took no responsibility for the debt created in our marriage (which mostly was to set back up each time/ flights back & forth when he would send me away or postage to send my belongings across country/ etc etc.. it was expensive in re living/ & plans we had to get debt paid off.. all of it on my lap in the end).
What bothers me too A Lot is that this internet is one of my resources left, & I think he tries to track me at places & comes against me at times .. I'm not sure why because he hated me so much, why he would want anything to do with me ever again. He drives, I'm sure he's back with his ex (though he told me that he believed in the bible & from what he told me unless I cheated on him he would not be free to remarry / that or if I died).. so it seems to me that ALL he cares about is that his needs are met.
He would lie at the drop of a hat/ about me, to get what he wanted..
I did love thes man, I wanted it to work, I tried so hard, he would ruin & block AT EVERY TURN.
To me that has to be what hell is like. To be him, & hate ..... it seems like that is what he is attracted to? it will take a VERY long time for my life to mend. Can't relate to the anger other than at him.

When he left I tried to imagine about the worse case scenerio & it's pretty much been that...
I guess to I am not one to bandaid my life, I could be with another guy.. have had opportunities but I really want to heal & please God.

I guess it just blows my mind (totally) why he wanted anything to do with me ever.. his lies of other half/ a mission from God/till death do you part/ I will never be with another woman/ I would never leave you stuck with the debt/ I will protect you/ trust me/ LOL
grrr

next yr, things should be better..
I'm hitting bottom / there's only one way to go from here!

The anger and vitriol is part of his 'real self' too. I don't see a split there. I don't see it as the powers of evil pressing in and taking over an essentially 'good' person.

To me, that seems like a manipulation, the 'I love you but I'm really troubled and I can't help it' line.

My dad used it a lot. 'I had such a troubled upbringing' and 'my mother was a real b****' so 'I can't help feeling this way, I'm a victim!'. Actually no, I knew he was lying to me, I always knew that was a manipulation.

I now don't believe anything my dad ever said to me. That's the trouble with lying, eventually people just treat everything you say as a lie.

Sorry, I don't by that line when someone tries to sell any of that stuff to me. You're an adult, you take responsibility for your thoughts, feelings and actions, and if you're 'troubled', sort it out. Don't go repeating the same abusive patterns your life over. And not only, but actively seeking out 'victims' in a very predatory way.

Don't mean to sound harsh against yourself 1Healing, just harsh against the **** these 'people' peddle.