I am barely keeping it together tonight. I am grateful that my brother was here to take my daughter to her sleepover so she wouldn't have to see me like this. I thought I had been making some progress in therapy and then one crisis sends me right back into childhood mode and I can't choke back the tears. I have no one I can talk to about this because none of my friends no the entire soap opera story of my family. Some know parts, but it's too much to try and explain it all when all I really need at this moment is to not feel so alone and rejected. Why is it that even as an adult I let my father's mean rejection of me hurt so much? For the last 7 months he's supported another brother of mine and his psychopathic wife in forbidding to let me see my niece and nephew. This is not the first time I've been dead to them. It happened a few years ago and I was dead to them for almost a year. Both times have been because I wouldn't lie and choose her side in going to court for custody of her older son, who's father is my best friend. I had been friends with her and him way back when and she started fooling around with my then teenaged brother. She lost primary custody the first time around and this past June she was in contempt of court and now only gets two supervised visits per month. So she's rallied my brother into hating and blaming me because I am still friends with my friend and his new wife. My brother is so messed up himself that he keeps her around even though she's a meth addict, mean, thief. She's stolen thousands of dollars from him multiple times and has been fired from every job for stealing. 

Fast forward to today. My brother texted me and asked if my daughter and I would stop by on Xmas. I sat with it for awhile and texted back that we would. My dad then called and said to bring my daughter over to his house later and we could both see my niece. I should have known it was too good to be true. About a half hour before we were going to leave my brother's wife sends me these mean texts forbidding me to go to my fathers and I better not see my niece. She says she's still mad and resentful and I should have thought about the older nephew who she now only gets to see twice a month. Still jabbing at me like it' all my fault and she's just an innocent victim. I called my dad to tell him I guess the plans were off. He was at her house and had to know she was texting me. When I wanted to tell him I was hurt he starts yelling at me about making assumptions and that he's tired of the whole situation and everyone getting after him about it. Then he hung up on me. My nice brother was still at my house and he's as mad as I am about my dad's constant lying and manipulation. He called him and my dad hung up on him too. Then he texts me so I text him back and thank him for standing up for me, his daughter....which is being sarcastic but by then I was already hooked in the game. He calls me yelling and I start crying but he doesn't care. I'm trying to tell him how it hurts that he always backs her and let's her treat me like crap but he's yelling that he deserves respect and he's tired that us other people just can't work things out. He's the one who keeps it going! He's so self absorbed I don't even know if it's truly that he believes all his lies or he's such a Psychopath he doesn't care. He has no conscience. He's never made me feel loved or like my existence mattered. He had 5 kids and only supports one, the messed up one. My T says it's not that he only loves the one brother and not the rest of us, it's that he's a psychopath and chose that one brother because he fits in his game. It still sucks that it hurts me so much! I don't want  it too. I don't want to care if he loves me or not because I know he doesn't. I just want to see my niece and nephew who I love and miss so much. But then I also know that once I get to see them again this round,they'll yank them from me again in the future when it suits their game. That's not fair to me or the kids. I don't even know what to do logically let alone with all these emotions rolling around inside. This sucks so bad. Maybe just writing this all down will help......how is it possible to know what to do and what decisions to make when no matter what choice you make you'll suffer?

Suraya,

I know it's been a few days since your post.. so hopefully you're managing better. It was very sad to read your post. My father tore up our family. My whole life, until maybe 10 years ago, was a dance with him and his minions and victims to maintain a 'family'. As it turns out - all the struggle was wasted. Everyone is way too messed up - almost every encounter with any of them is horrific and painful.

So my advise to you is .. here it is.. walk away. let go.. i wish more than anything that I had done that. I'm so angry now for putting in so much effort to have a family. Just any family. Just like 99% of the families I have seen that have holidays together. Help each other in time of need. Share good times also. I've never hoped for the Waltons or Brady's or whoever.. I just wanted a little. I have 3 siblings and have not been with all of them in one place for more than 30 years. And it's been longer since we've had a holiday together.

You see life with a Psychopath as the 'head' of the household.. is torture. He does not want cohesion. He wants everyone to hate each other and honor him. If anyone gives any positive attention to anyone other than him.. he's angry.. livid and he will attack.. as will his minions. There is no place for any happiness and love and support and 'family' in this scenario.

For me, he has finally spelled it out. He said he is at war with me. War.. ? nice. But there it is.. he's always been at war with me because I've never trusted him. wow. I'm soooooo angry with myself. What a f**g waste of a life. But.. in yoga class my teacher told us there is no word for regret in Sanskrit. There's no place for that emotion in a healthy human. Be in the moment. Let go of the past. Move to the future. And avoid evil (i added that).

In my opinion.. you just have to let go. Cut them off.. Love yourself and those that love you. Screw the rest of them. What is that saying about letting something go that you love and if it comes back to you... it was real. so if you just let go.. some day - some of those people who are good for you may come back to you. But we all need positive energy in our lives. As adults it's our life now. Take charge. In a life with a Psychopath this is more important than ever.. and more work.. but i believe it's the only way to safety and even happiness.

Put your energies towards other who want to be part of your wonderfulness... who welcome your love.... who give love right back to you... find these people and hold them close.

i wrote this post for you and for ME... it's a work in progress.

Thank you for your post. It is right on and you are too. I'm ashamed to admit that I cannot break free from them all right now. I could if the two little ones didn't exist, but I truly feel I'm their only hope in this life. Maybe as I continue working with my therapist, I'll find the stength to do what I need to do. I'm just a bit broken right now and all these realizations are new. Until a few months ago I thought they were just a little crazy and I wasn't the one chosen to be loved, but now I realize there is no capacity within them to love anyone. Everyone is a pawn in the game. I think if I can get through the 25th, I'll be ok. Thanks again!

Suraya,

Do NOT beat yourself up. We can't force our brains and our hearts..in any direction. It takes time to get used to these new viewpoints. I 1000% went through the exact feelings.. actually I'm going through them now.

When you wrote: Until a few months ago I thought they were just a little crazy and I wasn't the one chosen to be loved, but now I realize there is no capacity within them to love anyone. Everyone is a pawn in the game.

That is me.. exactly. My whole life was trying to navigate and negotiate around them so that I could have a FAMILY. Thinking that I had some power to get back the times that I treasured when I was younger. But wee they real? those treasured times? I think not, i think that my reality was a blend of my real life and the lives I saw around me, such as TV and friends/acquaintances. They LOOKED like us... it just never felt right (duh?)

Just hang in there and KNOW that you have a choice. It's probably not going to be the life you hand in mind.. but i'm guessing the life you had in mind was unrealistic...

We're just silly dream chasers.. we just need to find new dreams.

I am totally feeling you all on the holiday hurt. Daddysproblem, you have said it pretty well what we are going through here. It's a terrible feeling to having these people continue to try yanking you around when all you want is a nice family holiday together with people being kind, and having fun, helping each other, and ...

... you know, not long ago my husband and I looked at each other and realized that neither one of us knows what "normal" is. Neither one of us grew up knowing what most folks have. (My mama was 'Mommie Dearest.') We wouldn't know "normal" if it walked up and bit us. We still have a hard time even at our age determining who's okay and who's not. And doggone, that hurts. We've spent many years in therapy over all of this.

But we have had a good time together and made an enviable life for ourselves, he and I, and if we're all we have for the holidays this year, we'll figure something out.

So I'll suggest what he and I discussed over the past few days -- do what you have to do to take care of your own mental health and safety first. If the psychopath in your life is not going to like what you do no matter which way you go, then choose the best thing for yourself and stay away from them. They can try to play the guilt card all they want, but you'll still have missed whatever holiday drama they'd have embroiled you in.

Very grateful for this group. More than I can say.

blue heron