Dianne,

I'm glad starry suggested separating these posts for nomorenofear.

How about Characteristics of a Psychopath - Controversial research.

For me it is their total lack of empathy, compassion, remorse, etc that makes them a Psychopath. The behaviors can vary dramatically depending on their lifestyles growing up and other biological characteristics they possess. With these traits there is no possibility of love. They respond to personal interactions as the narcissist does. That's actually where I first ended up on this journey of understanding. The Psychopath thrives on getting what that Vaknin guy calls narcissistic supply. This I firmly believe.

This guy who claims they love is crazy in my eyes.

Oh, and thank you starry. Where did you find that information on that guy Marten (sp) ?

I think the important thing here is to ensure that all victims who come to this forum protect themselves by keeping their "empathy" and "good will" some place that the Psychopath in their life can't get to.

If you're truly dealing with a psychopath then, by definition, they are not capable of love. We all want them to if they are our parents but the quicker you get away from them and find somone who does love you and who you can have a healthy relationship with the better.

I hope nomorenofear is OK.

nomorenofear, I'm sorry your thread got sidetracked.

There's a separate thread for what we have been discussing now (in the 'Healing' section). We can get back to talking about your concerns directly.

I hope you are able to post again and let us know what you are thinking.

I remember my Psychopath saying: "I did love you IN MY WAY", whats that supposed to mean, I dont know.
The thing is we will never be able to tell. What difference does it make if they love or "love in their way" or whatever else? My Psychopath was pure evil, and the times he demonstrated that evil, with that grin on his face, I have no doubt that he actually thrives on others' pain. I dont care where that comes from either, hell, searching that is exactly what got me into this relationship - the hypothesis that there's sth there, that makes him so. So what? They cannot change, and they never will. It doesnt matter what they feel or if they feel at all (which I dont see at all).

True love, as I understand it, is a feeling of putting someone else on the first place. When you care for someone else more than you do for yourself, thats love. It goes in 3 ways - parent's love for us, our love for our partners, and our love for our children. Three different levels.
- our parents are the "givers" for us - we love them but they are the ones to take care of us, they definitely give more than we do in this "relationship"
- our partners are who we give to but we also need to receive, for it to work. If there's balance we have a happy relationship
- third is our love for our children, where we become the "givers", and we take care of the kids. This is the strongest one, and anyone who had a child will back me up on that, right? (I dont and I dont want kids but I can imagine how it must feel); here we become the givers, and we give without receiving back, unconditionally.

None of this can work with Psychopath. I always had this view on my relationship with Pwith me being his "mommy", and thats what it truly is, and thats what they seek - someone who takes care of them. There's no balance, the relationship cannot work.
Tell me if you had similar observations.

Newbird,
I had exactly the same experience. I agree that searching is what got me into the relationship. They are confounding creatures, these psychopaths, which makes them rather intriguing. We want to know what they think, who they are. They will say lots of words that sound good, but don't actually make sense. When you find out what they really meant or what they really are thinking, it is too late. You are already in too deep. My Psychopath asked me, "What is love?", after years of saying it to me. I was also told I shouldn't have "put all my eggs in one basket." SERIOUSLY!

I agree there is no balance. When you go through a hard time, when you need to talk about your problems or get support, they will be annoyed. I was told I should've "talked to a wall" when I was going through a stressful situation and tried to talk it out with Psychopath. They love for you to listen, to feel sorry for them. They feed off of it. If you have a problem, they get annoyed.

Psychopath definitely wanted me to be a "mommy". You can easily get sucked into that role, since they do seem so strangely lost and helpless. Even after they so clearly, ruthlessly, intentionally hurt you, you still somehow think that maybe if you had just done a little bit more, maybe they wouldn't have done all those things to you. That is what they want you to believe, that it is your fault. They get all self-righteous and indignant. That is one of the most bizarre things is how they can go so quickly from playing lost and helpless child to playing the role of know-it-all authoritarian disciplinarian who will teach you the error of your ways!

Exactly!!

"I was also told I shouldn't have "put all my eggs in one basket." SERIOUSLY!"
Me too! That's how they see love I guess! It's terrifying.
All the blame and guilt - I felt it too. It is their most powerful weapon.