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#12575 - 01/23/12 11:46 PM Re: Empathy, compassion and forgiveness. [Re: F Wright]
concerned Offline
member

Registered: 09/26/10
Posts: 47
This is a tough one.

I am willing to forgive. But if I am not asked to forgive, then how can I grant it?

On the other hand, I work hard on loving and not hating (this one is hard).

Loving means that I wish for and would be happy if the person in question truly changed. I don't make it my mission to make it happen or even stick around to see if it happens.

Not hating means that I remove myself from the infuence of that person, and wish them no harm. I become indifferent. I do not try to help the person, nor do I try to hurt the person.

As someone mentioned earlier (sorry I can't scroll up to see), I put it in God's hands.

Also, I have no expectations of this person. None.

Well, this is what I'm working on, can't say I have acheived it.

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#12581 - 01/24/12 01:53 PM Re: Empathy, compassion and forgiveness. [Re: concerned]
FreeBird Offline
member

Registered: 08/24/11
Posts: 230
I cannot say that.
I stopped caring really when I learned how Psychopaths think. If they don't feel, like we do, then they can't hurt like we do either. Therefore, I don't care if my actions hurt them or not. I see them as objects, just as they see us.

Another thing is my Psychopath still wants the worst for me and he is fighting with all he can. And that I will not take anymore. I might not win this, but I will not back down. It's my way of showing him I am over this, and he has no more control over me.

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#12660 - 02/05/12 05:55 PM Re: Empathy, compassion and forgiveness. [Re: 1Healing]
Cwilliams32 Offline
member

Registered: 12/28/11
Posts: 6
I really appreciate this post because I have been dealing with the same emotions. Obviously not the same situation or circumstances but I have been learning lately that I have such a deep root of bitterness, and that the only way I can not let it control my life is to pray through it and allow God to change my heart and the socipath I know. I am praying for compassion and empathy, although its so extremely hard because things happen over and over and over, at the end of the day, she is Gods child. I have to learn to leave it in Gods hands, so I appreciate your approach! Hope youre still moving through your process well.

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#12672 - 02/07/12 10:14 AM Re: Empathy, compassion and forgiveness. [Re: Cwilliams32]
daddysproblem Offline
member

Registered: 06/23/11
Posts: 99
she's not god's child, she's god's mistake.

unless this is another one of god's tests. to put these psychopaths in our paths and see where we land.

they are the work of the devil. no doubt about it.

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#12674 - 02/07/12 05:10 PM Re: Empathy, compassion and forgiveness. [Re: Cwilliams32]
blueheron Offline
member

Registered: 10/14/11
Posts: 84
Very gently, cwilliams -- I think most of us here would tell you, along with all the literature -- your Psychopath is not going to change. They can't. They are what they are, like sharks. All you can change is how you deal with the situation. And most of us have decided to stay away; that's the change we we were able to make. We can deal with our bitterness, and we can forgive, but we cannot change them. Psychopaths / psychopaths / narcissists don't ask God to change them because there's "nothing wrong with them," everyone else is at fault in their minds. I am truly wishing you the very best. I think you are too smart to get caught up in all of that. Please keep reading.

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#12677 - 02/09/12 05:31 PM Re: Empathy, compassion and forgiveness. [Re: blueheron]
marinde Offline
member

Registered: 09/19/11
Posts: 58
Hm. Tough one.

I'm still protecting myself and my child from my ex... Forgiving feels really scary, because he abused not only my negative traits, but even more so my positive traits to hurt me and my child: forgiveness, tolerance, empathy, wishing for him to be healed, openness, seeing the positive in people. Now it feels as if forgiving would weaken me somehow, make it more difficult to do everything in my power to fight for my child. Somehow "anger" feels like a step ahead, more powerful than fear and helplessness. So I find it difficult to let go of that.

I think "forgiveness" in the sense of "loving" and "wishing him well" is impossible for me now. Not because of what he did to me. But he wants to hurt my child. Deliberately. And he does everything he can to ruin me, so I can't be a good mum. I have never hated anyone in my life and am normally a gentle person. But - and I'm ashamed to admit it - I do really hope all the worst to him...any misfortune that would free me and my child from him.

I hope someday I am capable of not hating, not being angry. To feel completely indifferent, be healed, let go. Because it feels like a loss to be so unforgiving, harsh and negative. But for now I really don't know how to combine the two...fighting for our safety and forgiveness... and I do admire the people capable of it. I wish I'd know how.

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#12678 - 02/10/12 07:48 AM Re: Empathy, compassion and forgiveness. [Re: marinde]
FreeBird Offline
member

Registered: 08/24/11
Posts: 230
Marinde, I think it's absolutely natural for you to feel anger. It is the first feeling to go through, and I must say the toughest one.
I still have moments of anger. I've learned to control it by remembering why it is so.
Truth be told, there is nothing that can make you feel better but yourself. You need to forgive not him, but yourself. You are the victim, you were abused. Once there is no "him" in your world you can start to heal.
There is nothing we can do about him. There is no way he will ever understand or feel at least a tiny bit of what youre going through. You can only cut him out. And it's hard coz there's been a relationship, but only on your side.

I think of it like this: I cannot change the past, I cannot un-do the damage done. I can only not let him create more mess in my life. I can not let it happen again. I can gain a little more consciousness about the world from it, but it certainly doesn't make me happy. I wish it wasn't so, I do. But I can't change it.

Therefore no forgiveness on my side. It's just impossible.

And don't get me wrong - I am a good person, incredibly good. I'd forgive everyone, I even rarely get angry with people. But to forgive him is impossible for me - I'd have to understand what he did and why he did it, and that's just never gonna happen. So to me- I just don't care. There never was this person I loved. There was only someone I didn't even know. So I don't care, as much as I can.
Forgotten, not forgiven.

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#12707 - 02/21/12 12:58 PM Re: Empathy, compassion and forgiveness. [Re: FreeBird]
marinde Offline
member

Registered: 09/19/11
Posts: 58
Hi NewBird,

Thanks for your response. I too wish that he has no impact on me anymore. It's hard because there's our child and the courts. This makes it impossible to forgive, or even forget.

I do hope there will be a moment that I can live my life with my son and forgive myself for letting him enter into our lives/not recognizing him in time. I am busy shifting as much of my focus as possible back to myself, my son, our loved ones, to build the best possible life for us and surround my son with loving and healthy people... instead of focusing on him and what he might do to us. Not giving him a larger part of our life and emotions than I am forced to give him by the courts. Not wasting any more energy and thoughts on him than strictly needed. Still struggling, but doing better already.

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#12768 - 03/06/12 06:51 PM Re: Empathy, compassion and forgiveness. [Re: daddysproblem]
Mug42Long Offline
member

Registered: 03/03/12
Posts: 16
Are you sure? They are just a product of their parents and their parents?

Isn't is a miserable, lonely life of a Psychopath?

Is this just a throwback from caveman survival?

Are we the weak ones to allow feeling to cloud us working efficiently?

Does this go around and around your head too?
Are we just trying to over analise and excuse their appauling behaviour?
When you are born into it, it becomes a nightmare


Edited by Mug42Long (03/06/12 06:51 PM)

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#12982 - 03/28/12 01:53 PM Re: Empathy, compassion and forgiveness. [Re: blueheron]
becky Offline
member

Registered: 03/26/12
Posts: 86
I really would love to look at them with complete sympathy...( they know not what they do )...Like they're possessed...and their suffering is now.....yes this helps me to think this way....My pain takes over my compassion though and it's very hard to completely forgive. I'm glad i'm out alive. This man was very dangerous.

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