Hi all, I'm new to the community. My sister is a psychopath (just recently diagnosed). I thought I'd share my story with you. Might be a long read.

------

Instead of telling you about how much I hate my sister and all the terrible things she's done to my family (I'm sure all of you know the things psychopaths are capable of), I thought I'd tell you how I've coped and my current state of mind... cause I really just feel like venting right now, not dwelling on her. I'll save talking about her for another time.

I was diagnosed as having Schizoid Personality Disorder. It's not related to schizophrenia in any way, nor is it part of the inherited personality disorder spectrum like bipolar, borderline, histrionic, or psychopathy. A schizotypical individual is a person that, as a result of some sort of subtle, progressive repression, has retreated into their own world. Relationships are difficult for me. I LONG for the deep connections of close friends and relatives that most of the world is capable of, but I experience anxiety when I start to experience emotional connections, or as it appears to me, emotional outbursts and drama from the other person.

Basically, I've retreated so far into myself that my true self is no longer visible. I maintain a distance from people so as to avoid any confrontation or judgment. That doesn't mean I don't need people. The reason I was diagnosed was because I hadn't left my house more than twice in the last year, and only to go to work 6 months before that (until I lost my job and had to move in with my parents), so my mom had me go in for counceling. I'm so intimidated by people that I can't even go to the gas station to get cigarettes any more. I just want to be alone. I just want to crawl in my burrow and live my life there. It's safe. There's no one there to judge me, no one to rely on me, no one to care about what I'm saying or doing wrong. When I'm angry at someone, I even go so far as to have the entire confrontation play out in my head, so that when it's actually time to confront the person, I have nothing to say. I've already expressed my anger or sadness, and I just want to avoid them, because I'm holding a grudge.

The only life-form on this planet that I've been able to connect to is my dog. I love that little guy and he loves me. I sometimes wish that aliens would come and pick me up so that I can tour the galaxy or the future or something and learn all kinds of things, away from humans.

It's not that I think I'm above other people or anything. I just feel I'm outside of them. I'm so completely disconnected from the world that I feel I'll just be lonely for the rest of my life. I figured I'd never get married, never have kids. I've let my self get fat now, so I figure I'll never even have a sex life now.

My therapist says that having a schizoid personality is often the result of living with a psychopath or a depressed or overbearing parent. I was never abused, but I remember when I would try to talk about religious issues or politics or just life in general, my mom would often shut me down. She was a great mother, but I found out recently that she was depressed most of her life because of some things that happened to her.

So my problem was twofold. On the one hand, I've got this mom that never likes me to deviate from "the path" as some call it, and on the other I've got this sister who's "problems" are always so encompassing and so dramatic that I never had time to express that I wanted more out of life. I never had the chance to be myself. And as a result of her insane emotional craziness that just baffles my everloving mind, I just wanted to distance myself. I often remember myself saying to people that I refuse to be around anyone with baggage or drama. I hate it. It burns my soul to be around it. I didn't realize that I was the one with the heavier baggage.

So here I am, after 10 years of my sister's insane ways and 31 years of people shutting me down and not letting me express myself, and I have no idea who I really am. I chose the screen name "sunkensubmarine" because that's what I feel like -- a submarine sitting on the bottom of the ocean as the result of a torpedo hit while all the other boats float quietly past on the surface. No one knows what I'm really like. No one knows that I'm this sweet, caring, accomodating person that has a really good problem solving mind. No one knows that I want nothing more to play in a band and express these bottled up emotions that are just waiting to get out. I'm good at things. I'm reasonably smart, non-judgmental, and have (had?) a great sense of humor. None of that exists anymore. Now I'm just this queit nerd who lives with his mom and doesn't do anything to or for anyone. I keep to myself and I feel invisible.

Now that I'm going to therapy, I was just about to the point where I was going to start trying to get out there and start the road to recovery when my sister had another one of her issues and had to move in with us. My mom brought her here mainly because of my two nephews. She could care less about my sister anymore. I'm not going to talk about the reasons or the things she's doing now, but I'll say that I feel so crowded now. I feel like her craziness just so completely out-shines my problem that I can't talk to anyone. I can't deal with my problem. I can't afford a moment to think about it, cause all I can think about is how she'll lie or manipulate or lash out today. Or how she'll neglect her kids all morning while she's texting up a storm with some new people that she's met that she's got to weave into her web.

I refused to be a victim, but she got me anyway. I feel like I have no chance. I just want to crawl back into my burrow again. I don't want to deal with this, but I know I have to do something. I just want a normal life, free of her. I don't wish her any harm, but I wish she'd go away forever. If only not for those two sweet little boys. They don't deserve this. What do I do? How do we get rid of her out of our lives without her taking them with her? I don't really want to be a parent right now, but they don't need to go through what they do. If ever there was a catch-22, this is it. I'm sad. I'm lonely. I miss my old friends that I no longer speak with. I miss my uncle charlie. I miss having a girlfriend to listen to stupid love songs with and make out in the car. I miss my friend Kim. I miss the world. I miss having an affect on the world. I miss my music. I miss work.

---

Thanks for listening, and I hope I'm not unloading too soon after joining this community of what seems like great people that have been burdened with something they didn't deserve.

Dear submarine, I hardly know what to say, except that I have little short runs of days like you describe.

The two psychopaths I am dealing with right now on this forum are not my first. I also have a narcissist parent, some bipolars and borderlines in the family, and several years of spiritual abuse in a church that started out okay and went off the deep end. Yes, I often despair that no one really knows me any more because I have hidden. It is self preservation -- I still don't quite trust myself not to fall for the same crap again. I understand! I moved across the country a year ago, and am still scared of getting to know my neighbors.

If there is any way at all you can work toward living on your own again, that would be a good goal for you. And it's good that you have some counsel. Trying to deal with things of this magnitude on your own is like swimming through molasses.

I don't have any answers, but I do wish you well. Be kind to yourself this Christmas.

blue heron

Hi blueheron,

Thank you for your reply. While I hate to know that you've suffered any loneliness, it's good to know that someone else understands. It's really unfortunate that you had to deal with two psychopaths, much less one. I hope you find the healing that helps you reach out to people unafraid, and if my progress is of any help, I'll be sure to share.