Gave up on attaching so have just dumped it on the screen Met 1994
Initially ‘P’ seemed to be a social drinker, not heavy he did not seem dependent on alcohol. He had told me a variety of stories about his life and what he did. He said he had been married but his wife had died. Said he’d been all over the world in the army and then had worked his way up offshore. He spoke about places, people and events in great detail and with great clarity but the timings were vague. He had no friends - no contacts from the past except for AM who I found out about later. No photos, very little personal effects, no-one to verify his version of the past. I thought all this, combined with his description of his past, very puzzling – he seemed such a strange mixture that I was curious to find out what it all meant (I still am – as his life and behaviour is certainly not easy to unravel nor understand).

I moved in rather too quickly – partly because I was homeless since moving back from London and not enjoying having to stay with my parents at my age, partly because he did seem so nice, caring and attentive. Soon found out that his wife had not died. He said he had been married but she had been no good and had an affair with his best man (whom I have since traced and spoke to and who has denied this. He confirms his ex-wife’s family’s views that ‘P’ bad used her etc). Then said he had been engaged to AM who lived along the street and it was her sister who had died. I kept trying to understand why he made up/altered facts and accepted his excuse that he said things initially to impress me and then did not know how to come clean. (this was another continuous pattern – if found out about one thing he would come clean with the truth, and appear to be really sincere and earnest yet at some later stage I would be given a different version. Even his ‘making amend’s confession letters when he was supposed to be following the AA 10 step programme and coming clean about his past were more or less fictitious but he was so convincing it was hard to do other than believe him)

He was always great when we were together – which initially was all the time. He would talk of his low self esteem and fear of being alone and it was easy to keep feeling sorry for him and the way life had treated him. I started work March 1994 – saw the drinker and left because of the violence. Now I saw why AM said she was scared of the drunk ‘P’. He was like a different person – throwing things, punching the walls, threatening and the verbal abuse was very scary. He was not working. He said he had been at college but did not go back after xmas. He was now on disability benefit due to back problems caused by an accident offshore (He finally admitted in 1998 that there had been no accident – he said he did hurt his back in a drunken fall – but I’m not even sure about that) There was no signs of any back problems - especially when he was threatening to kick doors down etc.

By this time I had been told the story of his childhood and the abuse he suffered (again my subsequent research has shown that this is mostly made up or someone else’s truth). He sounds like a lost and tormented little boy when he talks about this – and it was always this side of him that made me feel so sorry for him and be talked into giving him another chance – until the next episode. He also made out that AM had not given him enough support, that she put her family and job first etc. (Again from talking to her this year this is not true – she also felt totally responsible for him and life revolved around him and trying to keep him happy)

Hours and hours spent about setting limits – trying to support him while getting him to understand that I could not accept the lies, the intimidation, the fear etc. (This is another recurring pattern – which always had the focus on ‘P’- I believe now he does not mind if it is good or bad attention as long as he is at the centreHe also had said he had a low sperm count and could not have children, and as I had long since stopped the pill, we would not need contraception. (Later found out he was talking about his brother and used this as an excuse as he has a real hatred about wearing condoms) He went to Alcohol– I thought he could – he is very intelligent, artistic, appears sensitive and caring. Like his previous girlfriend I thought he was great when sober and evil when drinking.
At counselling he would say that he had a bad childhood, his parents had physically abused him, his dad was hardly there as he was a lorry driver and when at home he would be in the pub. His mother left when he was 7 and he never saw her again. Before she left he said she had beaten him up and he had been hospitalised. He said she had thrown his baby brother across the road to his father. Then his granny brought him up – he said she was abusive to him and only cared for the baby. He said his hair was cut short and his clothes different and he was bullied at school. His father had remarried and gone to live in Grimsby taking his brother but he was 15 and stayed here. He joined the navy at 15 and left after a year as he was homesick. Then he joined the army and left after a year as he hated being told what to do.

(I traced his mother– she said his father was a drunk and a womaniser who beat her up. Said she was firm with ‘P’ and disciplined him for stealing but never hospitalised him. When she left and remarried she had another child within a year. I don’t understand how she could just turn her back on her first 2 children but it fits with ‘P’’s style of doing things. I also spoke to his brother who said he knew ‘P’ had a troubled childhood but he did not know the details. He said his father would have nothing to do with him and was not in touch with him for the years up till his death. His brother had been out of touch but ‘P’ would get in touch ever so often. AM had said that when she had tried to leave ‘P’ he had got his brother up to convince her to stay – a bit like how he got his AA sponsor round to try and convince me to stay in 1997. His bother always seemed to treat ‘P’ like a child – encouraging him and praising him for doing well again this is something I found myself doing without even realising it.)

I paid for everything. I locked him out – he tried to kick the door down, I let him in to stop the fuss – he smashed some pictures and slapped me – then the anger dissipated and the little boy came back and I still could not refuse another chance. I got pregnant in September – 9 months after we met, R was born 6 weeks premature. Every few months ‘P’ would have a binge and I’d plan to leave. I never stayed if he’d been drinking as I am scared rigid of the anger and violence in him. I felt I had no choice but work – ‘P’ manipulated me into the “poor ‘P’ will feel guilty if I don’t accept the job and then he might drink and I would not like that”.

I arranged for my sister in law to child mind full-time – I would never leave ‘P’ with R. When our daughter -R was little he was supposed to be working full time. (Reality was that he had already started his business fraud – I did not find out till last year as I was so convinced he took this chance seriously – all he wanted was the image and the time to con and manipulate other people). He did the AA etc and seemed to be maturing. By now I was fixed on the sober = nice, kind, truthful and drunk = vicious, evil liar. If he kept sober I thought he could mature and he had a chance. As a sign of my faith, I poured money into his business, his driving lessons etc.

His AA meetings were 4 -5 times a week excluding afternoon ones, he worked weekends or was at quarries (or told me that). I worked part-time and Sally child minded – he was never there more than a few hours and did not have any role with R – how could he have until he had proved he really could be trusted. Went to psychiatrist with him – and the same stories were told – ‘P’ diagnosed as depressed and given anti-depressants and antabuse. I decided he could have the flat and I would buy a small house for myself and R

He seemed to really start taking his work and the AA seriously. He wrote long letters as part of the 10 steps telling me with ‘real truth’ of his past. But I really though we could be a family if he gained confidence and lost his chip on the shoulder about the past – his mother leaving, him, being abused, having no family, being the victim – and I felt so sorry for the past as he told it . I know now that the frequent meetings, leaving earlier from home etc was not for us, not for him to give back something to the AA but for him to get more attention. ‘P’ gave many lifts, then started an affair with Su early 1997. Su has now confirmed this started in Jan 1997 – before R was ill so he can’t even give lack of attention to him as an excuse. He started a new, sober life which was total lies and deception. When I complained about the time he spent out I was accused of being suspicious and jealous. He had to put AA first. It was not social. He had to go in the afternoon too. Often had to go to town on ‘business’ – all down to Su and others. Now I know the tone used when lying, I can see where I went so badly wrong. I did not believe he could or would blatantly lie to me - not after all the endless discussions about honesty and trust and how there could be no real relationship nor proper family without this. Nothing is ever ‘P’’s fault. Again my gut feeling kept churning away – but he appeared to be doing and saying all the right things so why could I not trust him, this in turn led me to feel so guilty. ‘P’ was expert at picking up on that and turning this round to make me feel worse.

Up until August 1997 ‘P’ was supposed to be working fulltime in the portacabin – he was not involved in house work or in looking after R. (I have since found out that he was hardly ever at work – same pattern again – he would phone me and then disappear for a couple of hours and then phone me on his return. I always put all the calls down to his insecurity but it was just creating smokescreens. We decided to move house –and to get somewhere ‘P’ could work from When we moved in 1997 I was persuaded that I should let his name be on the house – sign of faith etc – he would never claim R’s home as he knew he’d come into our marriage with debts and I had put so much into his business etc, he would never try and take from R. Even so my former savings were steadily dwindling. (This was during the affairs and after he had started the fraud with business – we were just another victim of his pattern of getting everything provided by someone – ‘P’ should not have to work unless it is something he wants to do -he would say or do anything to keep his ‘poor ‘P’ ‘ image. By now he and B. were ‘best friends’ and he had him and his wife round to help convince me it was not true – she was lying. I went through hell again but he stuck rigidly to the story he had been naïve in trying to be a friend to her, trying to help someone – been too trusting. How he’d taken her to and from AA meetings, that was all.
I could not believe he could or would be sober and lie so much. He was 99% convincing in his explanation although I kept trying to trip him up because my gut instinct said no-one would make all this up. But B. was at the same meetings and he believed him. As ‘P’ reminded me, I had said that as long as he was sober we could always work things out. I could not catch him out and we started another endless session of talking about ‘P’. I made it clear that fidelity was tied in with honesty – he swore on R’s life, not only to me, that he was being truthful. That gave me a horrible feeling since I still did not trust him and I made him promise not to swear anything on her life. . But gut instinct still gnawed – why when ‘P’ was being the model reformed drinker, was all this happening?

At this time R started to play up at bedtime – again I always took care of her if I was not at work and she had never got into such states. ‘P’ convinced me it was the terrible twos, that she was always perfect for him etc, I also thought it was due to the time I had to focus on ‘P’ again about Su etc – I now believe it was due to something else related to ‘P’. He now had R for a morning a week and he was left to get her ready for Granny’s when I went to work. This was the start of his involvement with her care. We had endless discussions about that – could he do it, did he want to, did he know how to etc - and as usual he convinced me he could. He knew what to do – he always was seen to do the right thing when I was there but as I now know it is when left alone that ‘P’ can never be trusted.

She also started saying she was good with secrets, sometimes she said she did not like her self. I was starting to get concerned since I had to start fulltime work in 1998 and ‘P’ would be doing 2 mornings with R unless Granny did extra or I had flexi-leave. She started not wanting to hug or kiss him and did not want ‘P’ near at bedtime – I believe because of what was happening after I left for work. I feel so guilty because ‘P’ was so meek as usual and I thought ‘poor ‘P’’ and tried to insist that she should respond to him when he left and kiss him goodbye. I had 2 weeks holiday at xmas and R soon settled down again. When I started back at work things seemed OK with her.

R was still at my parents 3 days a week and playgroup 2 afternoons a week. I was offered a full time job which I had to take as our outgoings were still so high and my savings still dwindling. I was constantly tired, still suspicious, guilty about being suspicious etc.but all the time trying to make sure it didn’t show on R. But of course every one of these events focussed all the attention on ‘P’ and I had realised he needed that as much as ever – no matter what the implications on R.

Throughout 1998 ‘P’ was ‘ill’ – though only one of these, in August – seemed genuine – the others seemed to come and go depending how much attention he wanted and what else he wanted to do. It was also a way of stopping questions about what was really going on – with R, his business, etc. Generally it was sore back, neck, knees etc. He would come home with medicine, supports, walking sticks – use them for 1-2 days then leave them. Still able to go to quarries, climb cliffs, hammer rock faces whenever he wanted. Now I was also feeling guilty because part of me doubted that the ‘illnesses’ were real.

Always there was the underlying threat that if he was not happy, he would get more depressed and that might lead to drinking and I would not like that – so we all dished out more sympathy to poor ‘P’ and tried to work harder so he could do less – me with my work, the house and R and spending more time listening to ‘P’ about ‘P’ and trying to boost his confidence. (I now realise his confidence was sky high – he knew what he was really doing but convinced that he could get away with it – and as said as long as he was centre stage it did not matter what was being said.)

At work ‘P’ was always on the phone to me – (Now I have seen the phone pattern I realise it was because he wanted to be free to phone whoever he was using at the time – the phone pattern is not normal, is repeated with different people and also shows his basic neglect of R). In March he wanted a mobile phone for his birthday – and I got him one. Then he wanted to trade in his volvo for a Maverick. During the summer I could not shake the feeling of distrust and most weekends R and I would follow him to the craft fairs –I often took Sa with me if she had not gone to the craft fair B. was doing. If he was not doing a craft fair then they would go to see ‘P’. While I was looking out for the other women I was often taking her to him myself (their affair started in May 1998 with a few days overlap on the phone with Ni). Gut instinct again – but as usual over ridden by ‘P’’s convincing responses – he looked and sounded so convincing. During the holiday I watched them but couldn’t catch them.

By now R is growing from a toddler to a girl. She is bright and learning fast. She had been happy all year but at the end of the year she stopped wanting to kiss ‘P’ again – absolutely refused. She occasionally sucked her thumb which she had never previously done. She would kiss people all over, talk about boobies and try to find hers. She would cling to me and not want me to go back to work at lunchtime. If she wasn’t awake when I left for work ‘P’ would phone up with her in tears – I was worried but convinced myself it was only a ‘phase’. Then she had a period of nightmares most nights but it seemed to settle- again when I was on holiday at Xmas. Sa said they stopped the affair in october because of my suspicions. The strange behaviour from R increased from October until the xmas holidays when she settled again. Sa said they resumed the affair in January 1999. I believe this was to keep ‘P’ was from R. But I don’t think he could and that is why her behaviour started to change again. More nightmares, talk about peaspouts (penis), not wanting Dad near at bedtime, sucking her thumb, refusing to go to the toilet alone (generally only our toilet was a problem)

He was now turning my suspicions about Sa and Su against me - but with a new viciousness – how could he ever feel good about himself if I did not trust him – anything that went wrong would lead to my lack of trust, did not I know what this was doing to his low self esteem. So my guilt trip continued and my suspicions continued. He seems so honest, so convincing. If he was lying then he would be deliberately setting out to undermine me, make me lose all confidence in myself and my judgement and that was hard to believe from someone like ‘poor ‘. I felt more like a mother than a wife. He wants and gets more and more money – I’m getting concerned at the state of my savings.

February. ‘P’ says he is getting depressed, he is close to drinking – its my fault as I am suspicious of him and he has never done anything wrong, says he is working his pan out at his business 7 days a week – yet he has not done a thing all year.
He was using conversations he had used when I first met him when he was drinking but I had now taken the part of AM – in not supporting him, trusting him etc. These were word for word, chip-on the shoulder repeat conversations which quite unnerved me.

March . I was more and more concerned about his mental state. He still had done no work, yet implied he worked 7 days a week, he said he was doing the house work and doing all the child minding – yet R was at Grannies nearly every day, he still wanted more and more money and was still back to the old chip on the shoulder conversations where nothing is ‘P’’s fault and everyone is against him.

15/3/99
R started nursery. We had visitors from America for tea then ‘P’ walked out saying he could not stay because I had changed and he knew I did not trust him and how could he keep his self esteem when I still thought he had been unfaithful etc. He was white with rage and very abusive – it was like the drunk ‘P’ but without alcohol. He said he would be back in the morning to take R to nursery. I said that I could not trust him with R and he went right over the top – ( I meant that I was worried about his irrational behaviour, I now realise that ‘P’ thought I was talking about abuse, once I read the ‘report’ prepared for the children’s reporter I saw I was write – he states that I suspected abuse early in the year – again to me this is another admission of the truth and an explanation of what happened next.) When he left I phoned Sa – I thought he might have gone with her but she had just had a phone call from him saying he was leaving. I was still thinking in terms of poor ‘P’ – he might have a drink, and wondering what to do.

When he came back he was calmer in the morning. I had R up and ready and thought it would be best to let him take her and again try and support him. He said he was going to stay with Nina and Les – which I thought odd as I did not know he had been in touch with them that year. I also asked him if Audrey was involved (He had mentioned her name, though implied she was with someone. If there is one thing I know it is that ‘P’ cannot be on his own – he has to have someone to support and keep him) Again I bit my tongue as I wanted to say that all I did was support him and be responsible for him and run circles round him – but I thought I’d better not as ‘poor ‘P’’ would not like that and I did not want him flying off to alcohol.

Over the next few weeks he was alternatively wild and irrational and then calm and apologeticR was unconcerned at his absence and seemed to actually be more settled – her fear of the toilet etc gradually stopped.
At the end of the 2nd week he said he’d changed his mind, he could make a go of things and on the day off I had insisted in going to town with me – I thought he was more rational so I agreed he would try and gave him more money. He still had done no work. Mum and Dad doing all the childminding nearly. Counselling– he lied all through and when we came out he was white with rage ‘cos I made a joke saying I wouldn’t stay married to a [censored] like that’ – but he really seemed to believe himself. I got more abuse at the second session – I said it was obvious there was no basis for a marriage and obviously never had been. We left the session and outside he changed back to smiles – wanted a coffee and asked how much I’d given him – explained I’d nothing to give. But he insisted I should as he would be on his own and would need money

Eventually agreed to empty the Tessa Account and give it to him. Also pay £500 per month - but this would have been extremely difficult for me to do. ‘P’ drew up the separation document which initially said joint residence of R – that’s when I saw a solicitor to see what this meant – I refused to sign it. Then I said I’d agree to contact but with conditions relating to alcohol etc. ‘P’ said he would see her at my home but maybe sometime in the future he could take her out for the day. There was no way I’d agree to him taking her away for the day. I still thought he was totally irrational – still rewriting our life together and expecting me to believe it. I could not sign the document while it gave him unrestricted access to R. R was not at all bothered by his absence. Never mentioned him the week we were on holiday.

He even blamed my lack of trust and concerns about his affairs as the real reason for the break-up when talking to the counsellor – he was white with rage and screaming that he had never been unfaithful. I still thought I must be imagining some of it as surely no-one could be so convincing while lying – but he is. But by now, Elf rumours confirmed, I’d realised how much money he’d got this year and how I would be struggling to give him more money – what about R’s future if I had no job, what about her needs, etc. Then I realised he did not care about R – only himself. At this point the threats became more sinister and made in front of R so I said he had 2 days to move out.

Over the next couple of days ‘P’ phoned to ask about money – not R. By the 15th I had been told that his affair with Su was true – this devastated me – since he had denied it for 2 years and turned it on me by saying I should trust him and never believed him. It was when R was ill and I needed support. When he should have been building up his business, when he used the AA for a front – when he’d finally got his name on the house – the total deceit of the last 4 years – after all he’d put me and R through with alcohol – devastated me – Not Audrey/Sa.

I realised alcohol was a smokescreen– he’d conned me 100% the entire marriage in a very well thought out and premeditated manner.
On the 15th he phoned to ask about money – he was even more aggressive – I said he could only see R if it was supervised – he agreed and I said no more money – not because of Audrey but because of the total charade and how he’d used both myself and R – he’d never intended to ever try and support us. I said I knew everything. When I said no money – he flipped. I was scared – enough to ensure I left the keys in the locks (he still had his) and check the windows – all unlocked. (Security light discovered later)

I went to bed and as I went to close the curtains I saw him at end of drive and watched him move into shadows then along the wall – when he was below me I shouted ‘‘P’ I see you – I’ve phoned the police’ – then did the same out the back – but no longer saw him – I was the most frightened I’d ever been and wouldn’t let the police hang up until the car arrived. They said my mistake was shouting the warning – but I could not risk letting him get in. He had no car – he was going to really keep me quiet and R too. It sounds far-fetched when compared to the ‘poor ‘P’’ image but it was cold, deliberate, planned – for money I assume (Elf life insurance). Before he had left the previous day he went round and unlocked every window, he took my workshop key so I could not touch the security light and he had left R’s car seat. It is very significant that he left he car seat – if he was the caring father he said why would he have even thought of leaving the seat. This was the part I could not understand, why was he going to harm both of us– now I do, he thought I knew about the abuse then, he thought he was cornered and was going to save himself. When he was threatening me that afternoon he was totally unconcerned when I said he could not see R unless it was supervised. He was only concerned about money. I told him I knew everything – then he got really angry – but I meant the other women – I did not know what I was going to discover next. It also explains why he suddenly became so involved with M and her husband since March – of course I had not put it all together at that time as I still thought of him as ‘poor ‘P’’. I have no doubt A. believes he was the housekeeper/childminder/business man etc – but I knew the truth.
‘P’ admitted the affairs and prowling on phone on Monday 17/5/99 Then saw TV about recognising signs of child abuse and went ‘ R did that and that’. Distraught – talked to GP, PPP Healthline, Domestic Violence Officer, Marriage Conseller etc – no one said it couldn’t be right but counsellor said ‘he has no boundaries, no sense or care and responsibility, can’t make normal relationships ……….’.

But with all the discoveries I had just made about every aspect of our lives I was pretty upset and I was not sure what action to take. I decided to go with that of the GP. She said that as ‘P’ was not having contact and that it would be an ordeal for R to go through it would be best for her to not take it farther then. I got the impression that there was something about his medical record which I did not know to do with his psychiatric history. I set about to find out the truth about ‘P’ and spent as much time as I could piecing together what was real – a very difficult task since he seems to leave multiple versions of ‘truth ‘. Also for R so I would know what to say to her. It was a nightmare voyage of discovery and it is frightening to know that you have been deliberately and expertly deceived for so long and the worst part was his ability to turn any doubts and suspicions round against you. He had totally deceived everyone and then used threats and intimidation to avoid discovery. He had not shown any interest at all for R unless someone was there then he would act the part - which is scary as he knew what he should do but just could not be bothered if no-one was there to see – this is one of the main factors I could never trust him alone with R. And from the things I have found out that R could have told me about but did not, leads me to believe he can manipulate her like he does all females.

Initially I thought of the affairs as just that, but now I realise, that like everything else with ‘P’, it is not affairs/relationships in the usual sense. The telling points being
1. The consistent pattern with the phone – as soon as he is left he is up to something – alcohol, women, etc. Seems to relate back to his mother leaving him and he sees everything in terms of people leaving him.
2. It is always with the females closest to him – they are simultaneous and overlapping – it is more like need than desire. I believe it is all abuse and also relates to the abuse with R.
3. Everyone, including our marriage and his previous relationships were built on a mass of lies, they can’t last and it seems he has to start something to have in reserve in case he is found out earlier than expected.
4. His ability to say sorry so convincingly and appear so meek and compliant hides his total lack of remorse at any hurt he causes.

Over the summer I talked to several people who had been at AA meetings, also B. and Sa, and it was evident that ‘P’ had been setting me up as the bad guy all year. He had done a very convincing job with some people – as he was playing his favourite role ‘the victim’. Now I began to understand all those things he was saying to me that I had thought was a sign of him cracking up. It was what he was saying to B., Sa, A etc – if they believed him then ‘P’ would believe himself and so expect me to believe it to. Confused? I was.

Contact in September R was instantly back to the girl who had nightmares, sucked her thumb and her hair, said she was nervous of him etc. I was really worried at what he was saying to her. I contacted the DVU/CPIU and had that first interview.

I expected some of the truth to come out in the court report – but was once again devastated to find his fantasy world was being turned into reality – and was very concerned that my statement missed out key facts I’d mentioned, distorted others and added things I had not said. My witnesses were equally upset at their accounts and the implication that we were lying. Just when I thought it could not get worse I had the SW/police interview where I was torn to shreds in front of R – I did not understand how they could interview like that, why their questions were so restricted and why they talked like they did in front of R. It nearly finished me and my self belief. But as soon as I listened to R I knew I was right and I had to keep going to find out what was going on. The set pattern of shopping, second lunch and TV with Audrey there seemed to settle her down. I relaxed slightly as I know he will be ‘good’ if someone is there. But she has come home in tears (even had silent tears) and is distrustful of him. She is happy to talk about Clair even Audrey but not ‘P’ unless she is worried. She still says she does not want to go.

I was beginning to work out the pattern and realised that he was either sick or evil or both. It was obvious that after the initial couple of weeks when R got some attention from him, he was not bothered with her. I could not understand why he maintained the access. In January I had talked to his ex-fiancee and been told that she believed he had a psychiatric disorder and that she had attended sessions with him that were not related to alcohol. I did my own research and found the pattern’s of behaviour followed the pattern of someone with anti-social personality disorder.
Then when it came close to proof lawyer said they did not expect it to go to court – they had no witness list and submitted no documents. When told to they produced the list with the SW and policewoman name. It all began to click into place – the interview was a set-up –that explained her attitude, the Ms were the link - that explained why he had to keep up contact - yet making it obvious he was not interested. It was still all linked to the abuse and the lengths he would take to prevent discovery. All I had done was try and discover the truth about him and his life, I stuck with the system and told the truth – yet he was going to all these lengths and (true to form) accusing me of doing it.

Once I had put it together I was even more scared for R but the system was not – I am talking about a man who cannot accept blame and is violent with anyone who tries to show him for what he is – including R – yet she had to go with him – and watch as her nightmares returned

We gave up trying to get help from the system. He managed to totally manipulate the system and all those so called professionals. We moved away and lost our home, family contact, job etc etc. We got free of him. But there is nothing to stop him coming back to play his games at any time. So I am still fighting a losing battle with the system to try to get to the truth to have something on record in case anything happens to me. I have no cash – but policies mature on death – his interest in R would be 2 fold – if I am alive, it would be the mind games – trying to turn R against me, if I am not then it would be to get to the money, This is what I struggle with – should I fight on or give up and hope R is left in peace?

Recovery,

This sounds very nightmarish. You are courageous to even start saying the story and try to fight back. I too escaped from P1,up to now I still think that has been the best thing I have ever done.
Ps never change, plus if you have left they come stronger. I met a woman that was abused in her youth by her father. Her mother was very intelligent, PHD, very influential fighting the woman causes yet at home leave with sunglasses on. I think that the biggest security you can offer your daughter is your support, your understanding, and give the feeling that you'll do anything to protect her. She deserves it and you as well.
Hang it there. Something will come to you.

Hi Recovery, thank you for sharing your story. I only study these evil creeps, but if it were me, I would make sure he would never have contact with your child again.

Sadly, if the system can't help you the only person that can is you for the sake of your child. I am so sorry this is happening to you.

Di

OH MY GOSH!!! I can't believe I have found you all. I feel like I am at home! I have been seeing a councelor and she said that my ex is a P. I thought that was a no brainer but the curiosity got to me and decided to do some research online and here I am. I am dumbfounded at what I have read. It's like my ex was the case study for this. I will start by saying that I am a lot better than I have been for years. But only got here by my faith in God, I should be dead right now, really. I met my ex 9 years ago. I was 21 and very naive. My 20's were a nightmare, literally. I never loved him, never. He, just controlled me from day 1. The stories I could tell are so unbelievable that I have actually had family members question my truthfullness and I have actually wondered if I am so insane that I make up stories in my head. I acutally hoped for that to be the case. But I come to when the phone rings. Ok, I have to tell my story...upon meeting my P I thought he was a little strange. He's very clean cut, good looking, successfull but something didn't sit well with me, I had this sick feeling in my stomache the very first time I met him (a lot of other people say the same thing). I wasn't interested, but he didn't give up on me, insisted and persisted. I felt sorry for him, he was from South Dakota and didn't know anyone, well he got me pregnant and vowed to take care of me. That's when his rage started. He would get so mad his face would look like the devil, and at the littlest things. One time I got so tired of hearing him yell I through a piece of pizza in the kitchen and I ran into the bedroom, he dragged me out by my hair into the kitchen and on my hands and knees, rubbed the pizza in my face pulling my head back by my hair and yelled at me to clean up the mess. Yelling like a madman! I sat there and cried He was serious he would not let me out until I did what he said. I just curled up in a ball and cried, he started calling me "psycho" and went and got our 12 month old baby and yelled (in her face) "your mother is a F-C___! Don't ever be like your mother she is psycho!!!" (This is something that has said many times now to our children). I tried to leave him so many times but every time I did it was hell on earth. He would show his power through getting judges to believe the sickest lies about me to the point that they treated my like garbage (and I am a very well dressed, well kept person). Judges, police, even my high school best friend believed his hideous lies!!! He would take small truths and put them in huge lies to make it beleivable (if that makes sense). He used that power to get temporary emergency custody of our baby. He had me thrown in jail for child abuse and I couldn't go near him or my baby. I had to get an attorney and go to court to see her (after 3 months!!) The day I finally got to see her again my P said "was it worth it" and started sweet talking me and begging me to come home to him!! I refused, he raped me before he let me see my daughter and got me pregnant. I was devistated, he was happy. He then wanted to marry me and I gave in (gave up!) I married him because I was so tired of fighting him. That was the worst day of my life and his happiest. I stayed for a few more years and everyday was a living nightmare. I left again and was so afraid of him when I left I went into hiding, I had to come home to take care of the divorce and custody and guess what, he raped me again and got me pregnant again! I didn't go back. That was 3 years ago. My divorce was the worst that my attorney or the judge had ever seen. I had to take polygraph tests and everything. He had the judge the mediator and everyone convinced that I was a phsyco and a pathalogical lier and that I was abusive to him...until I learned I could tape record phone conversations!!! His rage and twistedness and foul mouth was finally all on tape and I got SOLE custody of my 3 beautiful children. I haven't lived with him in 3 years, I am not free of him I will always be his target, but I am alive and happy and living a pretty normal life. I believe that God has kept me alive, really I do. I hope that I can be of some help to anyone else out there who feels like they would rather to die than live another day with their "P". I have been there. I have felt insane, I have experienced hell on earth. But I am really happy now and have goals and dreams. I do still deal with my P and need people (who understand) to talk to about it. My family can't take it anymore. I just can't bring up his name anymore, they feel so helpless as to what to do, so I am soooo happy to find this site!!!

Thanks for listening (reading lol)

~Mindy

Welcome, Mindy, so glad you found this site also. Everybodys experience and recovery can be helpful to us all. Please share and keep coming back. Welcome, again. betterway

Mindy,

Welcome to the forum! I find your story heartbreaking. It is extremely helpful in our recovery to write our experiences down, as many of us have discovered. Obviously, it is clear that your P was extremely abusive....both physically and mentally. His rage must be a true nightmare to experience.
Many of us here have experienced a more subtle form of abuse
by our P's. I'm just curious. How does your P's day to day behavior... when he is not raging... fit into the classic
personality of a psychopath or narcissist?
Rick

Oh Mindy. . .What a horror story! I so relate to your words that God led you here and kept you safe all those years. When I read your story it brought me back to my nightmare years with P#1. Although not as bad, I related to much of your story. It truly is a miracle I am alive and healing. This forum was the place where I began to learn about this personality disorder and how to help myself. I had believed for years I must be defective to cause men to treat me so abusively. I had no clue. I was born into a family of P's, and have moved from one P to another. The last P almost "did me in".
What a great thing you have your children with you now. P#1 always used that as a threat to keep me with him. I knew so little about any of this. The books I read were the "pop psychology" stuff. This is WAY PAST that. . .
Again. . .I am so glad you are here!
Finished

Oh, it so nice to know that someone understands, on a personal level, what I am going through! And how sad is that! That I feel glad about that. I don't wish this on anyone. I can't believe you have had more than one person like this to deal with. I wonder if you are like me...very sensitive. I think that I am a perfect target because I am so nice. In fact I still trust everyone I meet and believe everything that everyone tells me! I would rather die than believe that I live in a world where I can't trust people.
And I wonder if you have those same traits.

My ex still won't leave me alone, he is constantly sexually harrasing me and up until a few months ago, he was coming over almost every day and raping me.

Rick asked me if he is a P or an N and I believe he is 100 percent Malignant Narcissist. He fits 16 out of the 20 characteristics. When I was reading the characteristics my heart started racing and I felt like I couldn't breathe. I was reading about him! He is a master projector of the worst kind. To prove it his favorite thing to call me is a "psychopath" He has been calling me that from the beginning, he tells everyone that I am one and tells me I really need to go to a mental hospital, he says it is really "sad". When I learned about projection, I couldn't believe it. He calls me this because he knows deep inside that HE is! That is chilling. As he would scream at me that I am pshyco I would look at his distorted face and think, no, you are. But I never called him that not even to my family or friends, I hated that word and to call him that seemed so redundant. But now I know for a fact that he really is and to actually learn about it makes it a little easier. So, I guess I should be reffering to him as an "N"? I am new at this. So do you think that I should read that book that you mentioned?

Mindy

Mindy

>>I wonder if you are like me...very sensitive. I think that I am a perfect target because I am so nice. In fact I still trust everyone I meet and believe everything that everyone tells me! I would rather die than believe that I live in a world where I can't trust people. And I wonder if you have those same traits.<<

Interesting. I hadn't thought of that but yes I am told I am a very nice person. I have always been very trusting of people and usually tend to ignore my instincts and look for the best.

When I was doing some one on one counseling at DVIS, they recommended that I just practice not being "so nice" to everyone. They had suggested some things that I could say to P#2 and I told them it just wasn't "me". Didn't even sound like something I would say. So yes, it is my nature to be nice. But. . .I am learning that nice does not mean ignore my instincts and trust everyone. I KNOW not everyone is nice and have learned the hard way that some people just want to use me for their own self interest. It's the red flags I can't ignore anymore or gut feeling, instincts whatever you want to call it. They are there to warn us as well as friends that can see things I can't always see because my emotions get in the way. Does that make sense?

>>I am new at this. So do you think that I should read that book that you mentioned?<<

I learned on the forum to learn as much as you can as fast as you can. There are some great resourses on the resourse thread. I have found gobs of useful information there. There are links to other websites as well as books to read. My personal favorites so far: The Verbally Abusive Relationship, Stalking the Soul, Why is it Always About You, and Addicted to Love. I have personally read these and they have been SO INFORMATIVE.

What has helped me so much Mindy, is that I always took personal responsibility for everything wrong in my relationships. This has been so healing to realize that others have issues also AND all my significant love relationships have been with P's and N's. And I was totally ignorant of any of this particular personality disorder. . .

So. . .yes. . .take advantage of the links and if you run across anything that stands out to you, follow up on it. It sounds like you are in a good place. You know where you were and are wanting to learn how to never go back there again. . .

So glad you are here Mindy!
finished

Hi Mindy, welcome to the forum. Psychopaths can have narcissistic personalities, while not all-narcissistic personalities are Psychopaths. I think of Psychopaths as a mixed bag of several conditions.

Di