Hi,

As I reported in other threads, we repeatedly and politely declined to spend Christmas Eve or Day with my husband's family because of his step-mother and step-sister -- the two Psychopaths I talk about on this forum.

They did not take it well, and there is no telling what they've been saying. But I don't care.

Christmas Eve, husband and I went to the afternoon movie matinee, which was marvelous. Then we lounged around a while at a cozy coffee house, drinking mocha latte and eating pastry until we estimated the family Christmas Eve bash was over and everybody would be gone. Then we went home. (They live next door.)

While we were out on the town playing, it snowed a little, and people were having the jolliest time, everybody was friendly. It was great, and we considered that our Christmas.

Christmas Day we had dinner with some neighbor friends at a lovely buffet.

Never saw MIL or SIL at all. Pretty good holiday, considering we did not get to travel cross country to my family.

Did you do okay? Was your Christmas weekend all right? What did you do for yourself?

Hugs from blue heron

That sounds lovely! So proud of you for all of that, and for being able to enjoy it as well

A very quiet Christmas here, just my husband and I on Christmas day. We slept in late, chatted, laughed, drank lots of champagne, cooked, exchanged presents and had a sleep after dinner. It was great.

New Year is sometimes a bit difficult for me. I don't enjoy people hugging me and sleeping in a different bed, being woken up during the night, not sleeping well are all huge triggers for me.

Every year I have problems deciding how and where I`m gonna spend my Christmas Eve.
This year was very special for me since my father died. I was very close to him so it really hurts.
My parents were divorced and every year I had to decide if going with my psychopath mother or my father and "not so friendly" stepmother.
This year I had no choice.
Two friends of mine told me to be with them. So we made a reservation in a restaurant with a show for my friends, my mother and I.
I admit it was a risk since she had spoiled many christmas dinners with her madness. I thought that being around people and with my friends in the table she would prevent from spreading her poison. But she didn`t.
We arrived, everything seemed rigth. At 11 pm the main course was served and she started saying that the air conditioning was not working, she changed place in the table, and then she told me where to sit in the table (as if I were a kid) im 40. After that she told my friend "Don`t laugh like that" my friend answered " i am like this". And then hell started.
My mother said to my friend " I don`t like , you are not a good friend of my daughter, you should leave, i didn`t know you were coming (lie), you use my daughter, you are cheap" When all this happen I reacted stopping her to continue. I told her " my friend is not leaving , you are" . This was all so unfair. The places was lovely, the food was perfect, the music , we were having such a good time, and she had to ruin everything"
I realized that I was furious i got close to her and shouted to her that if she stayed she should respect every member of the table. She continue cursing. Then I went outside. I thought about my father and cried for a while .
Suddenly my friend (not the one that was abused)came and told me that my mother had gone.
I went back to the table my friend was crying. But she didn`t cry while my mother was there. they stayed firm so she left. We talked about it. They said the she was insane that she should be in an institution. That they understand . We could continued there not in the same mood, but later we could continue the night listening to music. My mother was gone.
That was my christmas.
I feel good sharing all the abuse.
Nowadays i am reading a book of alice miller that is helping me a lot coping with this issue.
thanks.

Starry, your Christmas sounds wonderful. Nothing like a nice nap on Christmas afternoon. :-)

On New Year's just be kind to yourself. Around here, half the time we don't make it until midnight. Ah, well. The New Year comes anyway.

blue heron

Loveistheanswer, what an evening you had. Good heavens. I know it feels better just getting it out and written.

Why do we let other people override our intuition? I hope no one is able to talk you into something like that ever again. Your mother may have thought she won some kind of victory, becoming the center of attention and making people cry. But it was a hollow one, because I am guessing she won't get another chance to try that again. If it wasn't so infuriating and embarrassing, it would be pitiful. What terrible, destructive, stupid needs these psychopaths have.

Best wishes to you for a calm and joyful new year.
blue heron

Blue Heron,

What a post. Sad to say but I think you are seeing this now: that when you include you mother in with your friends it is extremely risky. Downright dangerous.

And, as usual on this forum, I recognized something about my life with my "Psychopath" daddy.... The times or memories or (unfortunately) fantasies (i blame the darned media for the fantasy part) that I have been longing for.. of holidays and dinners spent with the family ... were only 'good' because everything "I" did - I proceeded with caution - I consistently schmoozed him to not have encounters like the one you have just described. I guess I knew, on a subconscious level, that I could never integrate him with my friends. My life was probably 95% separate from my family life. Wow! I knew I had done that.. I just didn't realize exactly why until I read your post. I always just FELT it... be careful, beware.

A couple years ago my son and his then girlfriend hosted a holiday at their house. With his brother (not my son), brothers family, girlfriends parents and me and my parents. My "Psychopath" daddy was an absolute ass. It was shocking. And embarrassing. It was unfortunate and disturbing for my son, who was for the first time seeing this side of him. I guess I already knew - as I said, sub-consciously, this would happen. HE NEEDS ALL OF THE ATTENTION. It's disgusting.

On the positive side, it was the beginning of a better understanding between my son and I. We were always close.. but my "Psychopath" daddy gave him almost anything he wanted.. while letting me know what a bad mother i was, of course - putting a huge wedge between mother and son. My son couldn't see where I was coming from and why I had such a HUGE problem with him.

Years have passed now. And son and "Psychopath" (grandpa) daddy have had huge blow-up and now he SEES. My heart breaks for my son. I saw my father intuitively. But now he has to SEE it. To see there was never any love. That he was manipulated his whole life. Already having an absent a-hole father (of course - my choice - good job for me) and now his one 'positive?' male figure turns out to be pure evil.

I think I've digressed here.

But, back to dealing with these people. They don't enjoy anything, they don't contribute anything positive to any experience.. accordingly they should not be included in anything. and they should be avoided at all costs. They are EVIL and DANGEROUS. They should be colored purple... so we can all see what they are. Or maybe emit some god awful smell.. to repel us.

If you can, just stay away from your crazy mother.

My Xmas was crap, as usual. Every year I make a visit to my Psychopath mother. I take 2 planes, 2 trains and she picks me up at the station.
It starts out fairly normal, for her, then descends from there.
This year she was particularly nasty and I had to go for a walk. When I returned she came flying past, crying and said she didn't want to see me any more, her friend will tell her when she dies.
I went for another walk!

All because I took a f***ing walk, also to use the toilet in the garage up the road.
Her toilet has been blocked for years and gets worse when two use it.

I got upset and her friend called because she must've called her when I was walking.
I was crying and told hefriend what Psychopath said.
When I went home, on the train, I realised I was being manipulated and went through her behaviour and had a light-bulb moment.

A phycologist friend suggested she was a Psychopath when she heard us talk about past behaviour.
A few days after my return my mother called and said she couldn't sleep. I asked her if she was calling because she couldn't sleep, it wasn't for me, etc. She couldn't get off the phone quick enough.
Now she ignores me and speaks to my daughter. I told my daughter not to say anything about me, my mother weedles it out though.

I sent my Psychopath mother a letter letting her know I know she is manipulate, hence being cut off by her.
I have decided to let her have her wish, I won't call or visit again.

Some things I have read on this site about Psychopaths
they don't sleep much
in their pics, they seem to pose and their expression looks fake
there was never any love, do you feel betrayed? I do, and feel contempt
they are tuned in to you/your family. They know you better than you do. They use this knowledge against you/your family
we all over analyse their behaviour, to try and understand them and this is enabling them. We probably think they were abused (they probably were) and this is the cause. I was, but fought against it because I love my family. They are a different animal. I know I have Psychopath in my character, but exclude those I care about. I have empathy, but do have a dark side and fight against it. I know it's there and I know it causes harm and repels, I try and change that.

It's a journey and now I am reviewing history with fresh eyes!
I have made some revelations about history, if my theory is correct, she is evil!
But I have in the back of my mind, what if I'm wrong? When I go over history, my gut tells me I am right.
I suppose, I know how I feel about my children and wonder, how could someone do that to their only daughter?
The battle about how I feel about my children VS How my mother treats me/am imagining it, goes on!

Dear Blueheron

Thanks for you kind words. Luckily for me I have a lovely daughter, she understands. She sticks up for herself, she is treated badly by my mother. My son knows my mothers werid, and accepts it.
Of course my son is in favour with my mother.
My son thinks I should not have sent the letter to my mother letting her know I knew she was manipulative (before I realised she was a Psychopath).

Since the letter, my mother doesn't call, if she does she speaks to my daughter. She put a note in my partners birthday card, say hello to K (my daughter). She implied I'm not saying hello to me.
My kids are torn between loyalty to me and keeping in touch with their gran.

My uncle was a Psychopath as well. I think their parents were Psychopath and violent. What hope did they have!

I remember when my son was a week or so old. My mother offered to babysit to allow us a few hours alone.
My partner left the cassette player recording, as a joke.
Later we listened. My mother was bathing my son, he was having a cry.
My mother said, shut up or I will put you into a home.
We all joked about it later.

When I told my sons partner (she is a psychologist), red flags went up and she suggested Psychopath.

For me it was normal behaviour from my mother. Now I think about it, who would say that to their first grandchild, even as a joke?

I will check out your other site, thanks again

My bad, Dianne. Got it.

lol, hard to get one past on our community, we just don't link to other sites because there have been issues with members ending up in an not so friendly environment and I can't patrol the Internet to check them out