Hi Forum,

I am currently being stalked by my father. I was hoping he would just leave me alone but things aren’t that simple. I’ve seen him three times in the last two weeks at the local shops which are, of cause, not his local shops. I think he has lunch there every few days – right outside of where I live which has made me reluctant to go out because I basically have to walk by that area to go anywhere.

He has followed me at least once before that I know of.

I have hired some investigators to follow me and look around the shops for photo evidence just in case I need it but they haven’t noticed him yet.

How worried should I be? How do these things often end? Any information would be good.

SOP

Sorry to hear that. It must be quite stressful.

I would start keeping a diary of the times and places you see him.

If you are feeling frightened could you also go to speak to the police? Perhaps not 'officially' in the first instance, but for advice? And of course, so you can record that in your diary?

I’ve certainly been keeping a log of things that have been happening. He's been trying to provoke a reaction through various means but I've just ignored him. I was advised by a psychiatrist to move to another state but that’s just not possible at the moment.

If I see him I'll just ignore him but if/when he approaches I'm really going to have to bite my tongue and not react. I think he just wants information.

I never understood what being stalked ment until now. It really has an effect on a person.

SOP

It certainly does.

My other half had a stalker a couple of years ago. The weird thing was that I knew there was something wrong with that person even before I met her, the vibe I got off her, through my other half, was all wrong.

Yes, I think you're right. He's looking for a reaction. Can you speak to the same psychiatrist again?

I’ve seen a number of mental health professionals over the last few months all of whom have had a similar reaction to eachother. First they listened skeptically and didn’t quite know what to make of my story but once I had showed everything to them they realised how serious the situation was.

The psychiatrist I spoke to was useful in confirming what I already knew but his concern for my safety was toubling. I kind of ended up thinking that he was just being paranoid.

I had no luck with the psychologists I visited. I’ve been to three. The first refused to talk about my father stating that I needed to look to the future. This seemed like a good idea at first but I’m dealing with multiple losses all at once and supression isn't the answer.

The second psychologist I saw had no idea how to deal with the situation and the third was apparently approached by my father. He must have followed me there. When I showed her a picture of my father she literally went white and started shaking. She told me that she could no longer see me because she was concerned about her own safety. I was so taken aback by this bizarre situation that I forgot to speak and just kind of walked out. I was tempted to ring her back when I got home and demand an explanation but anxiety got the better of me.

It’s a very surreal situation and whilst family and friends understand and know what has/is happening there is an element of denial that creeps in as a survival mechanism for all of us. To be honest it is this denial that has allowed my father to get away with the things he has.

Will I be looking over my back for the rest of my life? What do people like my father end up doing in situations like this?

SOP

Absolutely, I agree with you about the denial/survival mechanism.

I've had a similar, very patchy, experience with mental health professionals. And one who was also really concerned for my safety. It took me about 6 months to calm down from the state she wound me up to, which wasn't difficult considering my PTSD.

Anyway, can you speak to the police? There are some places where you can give a statement 'for information purposes only'. That is, you make an official statement to the police but they don't use it to pursue a prosecution, they just keep it on file.

The advantage of this is that you have an official record of what's been going on, so if anything were to happen in the future (and I'm not saying it will), then the police already have a heads up about it all.

Other useful people to speak to would be the domestic violence and stalking people (helplines). They might be able to give you some good advice as to how to proceed, or even help you work out what you want to do next.


The fear thing is really difficult to get a hold of. I struggled with it a lot, for a long time. In the end, I told myself that I wasn't going to let anyone make me feel this afraid, and rob me of taking pleasure in life (friendships, new situations...). But it was a lot easier because I cut off contact with the psychopath a long time ago, and the psychopath doesn't live anywhere near me. There are other things I have done to gain some control over the situation, and whilst not obviously protecting me from what might happen, they're good buffers in that the trail would lead directly to the psychopath were he to do anything to me.

I also think that the more you speak out (to the right people, people who 'get it') the more you are breaking that denial/survival mechanism and taking control for yourself - redefining the relationship on your terms, rather than his.

I know I read earlier in your thread that it's not really an option to move. Could you reconsider? Would it be worth it, just so you could have some physical distance between you?

Also, depending on where you are, the police might have specially trained units, like the 'Family and Child' unit, or domestic violence units. The officers there are extremely highly trained and have an incredible understanding of the dynamics of these types of relationships.They're as good as some of the very best mental health professionals (the ones who 'get it').

I rang the local police station some months back and ended up talking with a young officer who was incredibly dismissive. This was before I knew for sure that my father was following me. I will go in this week and at least put it on record that I am being stalked.

My father’s financial situation is about to snowball and his properties will be lost. There was a plan to leave me with a massive debt through a crazy scheme that my father’s partner outlined in writing and which I copied. My remaining money was clearly factored into his plan and was to be used to make his main property presentable for sale, (it’s currently in ruins).

No here is the part that has me concerned...

The coroner's office asked me to outline reasons for why my mother’s case should be reopened which I have done. The case is over a decade old so there will be little that can be done now but the lies my father told are just so shocking. The police report is incredible. I was there when she died. I recently talked to the pathologist who remembered the case perfectly and used the words “deeply troubling”. Her organs were donated before cause of death could be determined and proper toxicology was never carried out. I now know that almost all of the organ recipients became sick.

My mother told me she was leaving my father the week before her death. Two weeks after she died he moved in the women he had been having an affair with for ten years and didn't miss a beat.

He recently tried to provoke a reaction from me by attending a function at mother’s old place of work and sending me photos form the event with him grinning. I don’t want to think about the message being sent here but I believe it’s quite clear.

So yea… I probably need to give a statement to the police.

From what I've experienced of the police there are some not so good ones, and ones that are very much on the ball. If you can speak to a domestic violence unit, or a 'Female and Child' unit, they're specially trained in dealing with these kinds of dynamics.

Also, please speak to a domestic violence (and stalking) helpline. These people are absolutely brilliant and will help you feel less afraid. I used them lots when I was going through the worst of it, and knowing that someone understood, didn't think I was over reacting and helped me see the tremendous strength and courage I'd already shown, well, it was a lifeline for me.

Thanks Starry.
It's probably best to do what I can now to preempt what could be an escalating set of circumstances.
Cheers
SOP

SOP, you can get a camera that is a pen to take pics. Need to be careful that he doesn't see you but you will have more evidence.

I think you are right to be very worried, I know I would be. Starry is very right in her suggestions. I hope you can figure out a way to move. Stay away from social media so he can't track you that way. I don't do Facebook or any of them. Before I learned how Facebook links you to linkiden fortunately my information online is not correct, they have me living in another state. I don't want anyone that betrayed me to know that I am alive or what I am doing. They are nothing in my mind. I didn't change my email because I have had it for years, I just blocked the few of them that tried to contact me and the one that sent me a letter, I refused it and told the mail man that if they had a stamp to return it that said I was dead to use it. They tried to email me when the letter was returned so I blocked them.

My life lesson, if someone stabs me in the back, they are out of my life and done for good, there isn't enough time to deal with them, why give them a chance to stab me again....they did it once and that was enough.

Di