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#12546 - 01/19/12 09:26 AM Re: Could do with some help. [Re: FreeBird]
starry Offline

Registered: 01/06/11
Posts: 350
Originally Posted By: NewBird

Thank you so much for your answers. I feel like you are my mentor somehow.
It is scary to think theres still so much ahead, but also comforting to think that part of the way is behind me. I caught myself wondering again today, how terrible my life was, jus a year ago... All the pain was back for a second.

I think I know this pain too.

It's a big relief to me that we can all help each other, that we can all listen to each other, and accept and validate what we're all saying about this whole thing. That's made a big difference in my life.

Originally Posted By: NewBird

But then I looked at my life now, and smiled, coz I realized how great it is. I feel so proud of myself. The changes are so big I look at myself as a different person back then. I feel like that was a girl I knew, and this here is me.. now:)

You should be proud. You've shown the most incredible courage, not only in making a break from something so difficult, but in speaking out, and embracing the future and all the possibilities it might bring.

Originally Posted By: NewBird

I also realized sth really big today. And it hurts and I cry, but that's OK.
I realized there was no good in all this. Really, there wasn't. I realized, there was nothing like love there. Instead, there was this monster, who was doing terrible things, and hurting me from the beginning, but it was so cruel I couldn't take it. So I contradicted my own self.

I'm not sure if that's the whole story there. Yes, we have trouble believing that someone could be so deliberately cruel, but they exploit that contradiction to the maximum.

For me, psychopaths are all about keeping people in a state of suspended animation, a kind of half life, so they can get what they want from them. And they do that by severing everything: thinking/feeling, feeling/action, thinking/action. And the having trouble believing that someone could be so cruel is part of all of that. I'm sure we all know the 'rooted to the spot' feeling here too?

Originally Posted By: NewBird

I can see it more and more clearly now and now I've realized this, and it really hurts. I literally feel raped. I didn't want to acknowledge all the wrong... its a weak and primitive defense mechanism, but there's also not much you can do...

I feel like a hurt child now, really... I feel so weak.
But it's OK. I know I'll be fine.

I'm glad you wrote that last sentence. I believe you will be fine too, in spite of everything. You have so much strength and optimism (I know that sometimes it's hard to see that when you're in it all).

#12588 - 01/25/12 02:13 PM Re: Could do with some help. [Re: starry]
FreeBird Offline

Registered: 08/24/11
Posts: 230
Starry, thank you for your answers. You are always so helpful with understanding things.

I know I am still at the stage of healing - but the good thing is now I can see that this path leads somewhere, it is all becoming more and more clear that there actually IS a way out.
I still have moments of delusions, but instead of running away I let them come and stay for a while. It helps more than denying.

I still cannot believe how most people (almost everyone actually) tell you that you should "forget" about it all and never think about it at best. It's crazy! This way you loose.
Of course, it's important to move on, but in our cases, the burden is too heavy and you just wont go on no matter how hard you try. We need to find a way to get this burden out of our shoulders first. And that is a hard task, and no one understands...

I don't think I'd be able to go on like this if it wasn't for this forum. I cannot express how much this means.

I try not to let this whole story influence me too much. I try to find the right balance. Between what to do and what not to do. I cannot live by my rules anymore, I need to change them, coz the rules I played by, unfortunately aren't the rules everyone plays by... So Im trying to find whats right and accaptable for me, but it still cases confusion.

Normally I wouldn't ever do anything that could result in hurting others. But now I sometimes have to. I don't feel bad at all about what might happen to my ex-Psychopath if he is sentenced, but I guess that's normal.
He is not the guy I loved, he is just his skin, that's all.

I have trouble finding the right way in life though. Most times I see what people do and how others think it's OK, and I get angry, coz I cannot say it's OK. And I have people telling me that I should do this or that, that I should "enjoy life" and not care if my actions hurt some people, but I just cannot live this way.
I see how this psychopathic behavior is being almost praised in our culture now. I can understand that some people become cold and egoistic, after being hurt like me, but more and more of them seem to act this way and if we continue, we're gonna have a pretty nasty world around us.

It's actually funny, how I see how the world could be, if people just acted normally, and how it is, because they act in the selfish and cruel way sometimes. The thing is it spreads - all it takes is ONE person to be nasty to someone and that someone will surely go and be like "I got hurt so I can hurt others too".
It's like "do to others before they do to you".

I don't know what to do. If I'm just gonna be myself and act right on and on, I will get kicked by those who take advantage of it. If I go act like a b... I won't feel good about it. I have to find the balance and it's really hard...

#12633 - 01/28/12 09:39 AM Re: Could do with some help. [Re: FreeBird]
starry Offline

Registered: 01/06/11
Posts: 350
I'm sorry if I've skipped over some of your posts.

I wanted to share a huge step forwards with you. For years I've been terrified of living in my own physical self. I can't seem to control how I react to things: panic attacks, IBS, migraine type headaches, the shakes, retching and vomiting.

For the past 4 or so years, I've really wanted to do something that would help me feel better in myself. I can't begin to describe the panic that it's made me feel.

I was ill over December. Nothing serious, just a chest infection which made it difficult to breathe. That was the final straw.

I found a budget gym. Joined about 2 weeks ago. And it's taken me 2 weeks to book my induction session.

I went today. I almost passed out with fear on my way there.

But I went. It went well. I stayed and did a session. Just a short one, and I feel amazing now. Like I'm somehow physically solid and very much 'in' myself.

I'm going back tomorrow.

#12634 - 01/28/12 10:07 PM Re: Could do with some help. [Re: starry]
Dianne E. Offline


Registered: 11/15/02
Posts: 2788
Loc: United States
Starry, you constantly amaze me with your progress. I know there are so many benefits we can get from exercise but hard to do even though in the end it will make us feel better.

Keep us posted on how it is going. I am going through a major change in diet so plan to add exercise as soon as I get up again.


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