Thank you so much for your answers. I feel like you are my mentor somehow.
It is scary to think theres still so much ahead, but also comforting to think that part of the way is behind me. I caught myself wondering again today, how terrible my life was, jus a year ago... All the pain was back for a second.
I think I know this pain too.
It's a big relief to me that we can all help each other, that we can all listen to each other, and accept and validate what we're all saying about this whole thing. That's made a big difference in my life.
But then I looked at my life now, and smiled, coz I realized how great it is. I feel so proud of myself. The changes are so big I look at myself as a different person back then. I feel like that was a girl I knew, and this here is me.. now:)
You should be proud. You've shown the most incredible courage, not only in making a break from something so difficult, but in speaking out, and embracing the future and all the possibilities it might bring.
I also realized sth really big today. And it hurts and I cry, but that's OK.
I realized there was no good in all this. Really, there wasn't. I realized, there was nothing like love there. Instead, there was this monster, who was doing terrible things, and hurting me from the beginning, but it was so cruel I couldn't take it. So I contradicted my own self.
I'm not sure if that's the whole story there. Yes, we
have trouble believing that someone could be so deliberately cruel, but they
exploit that contradiction to the maximum.
For me, psychopaths are all about keeping people in a state of suspended animation, a kind of half life, so they can get what they want from them. And they do that by severing everything: thinking/feeling, feeling/action, thinking/action. And the having trouble believing that someone could be so cruel is part of all of that. I'm sure we all know the 'rooted to the spot' feeling here too?
I can see it more and more clearly now and now I've realized this, and it really hurts. I literally feel raped. I didn't want to acknowledge all the wrong... its a weak and primitive defense mechanism, but there's also not much you can do...
I feel like a hurt child now, really... I feel so weak.
But it's OK. I know I'll be fine.
I'm glad you wrote that last sentence. I believe you will be fine too, in spite of everything. You have so much strength and optimism (I know that sometimes it's hard to see that when you're in it all).