I have to start by saying my boyfriend is a wonderful man. Truly nothing like the rest of his family. I know when I talk about her, some people will respond with "you need to leave him" But let me reassure you that I have thought about my future A LOT and I am not naieve in thinking that it will get better. But you have to understand, hes such a wonderful guy and NOTHING like his mother.

For the past 5 years of dating, I have seen how capable one person in the family can be a disease and ruin peoples lives. This may be long butI have to get it out. First of all, lets start by saying, whatever she does (financially) is illegal. Fraudelent. I know that for a fact, even though she claims differently. You can even google her name and it says "brokers to avoid they will take you money ect ect" She gets around 200 thousand dollars everytime she closes a "deal". Sounds like a ton of money right? Well not to her, she spend it within a matter of months. Usually around 3 months. Ok, so thats the FIRST issue.

She is married with 3 kids. She has used money as a manipulation tool for years. NOTHING about her makes her a mother or a wife besides the fact that she gives them money. She is a pathalogical liar also. She has done so many awful things to her kids and family members. She has drained their accounts, lied to them so they would give her money, buys them cars then makes them sell the cars when she runs out of money and manipulates by saying that she bought the car in the first place so they need to give her the money. She lies about everything on planet earth. She alwys says she will do things and NEVER follows through. SHe manipulates and uses guilt trips for everything. She gives them money so she can say "I do so much for you and make sure you have everything you need so you HAVE to do this for me" Let me say again, she does NOTHING like a normal mother. She is never there for the kids, lies, uses them, manipulates.

But all the kids but my bf are so co dependent because she has raised them to be able to only count on her. She gets mad if they try and get jobs, go to school, move. ANYTHING that isnt under her control. She doesnt care about anyone but herself and wants everyone to be there for anything she has going on but never is there for anyone else. Shes the most selfish person I have ever come across in my life. I have been raised in a very stable loving selfless family where both my parents were great parents and we were all allowed to show emotions and say our feelings.. So to me, this is mind boggling. I cannot understand how they can love her and really believe that she does so much for them. She manipultes with money.

Thats the only thing that makes her a mom. She will screw them over so bad, steal their money or something and then when she gets a chunk of money again she will go and buy them a car. (even though they have to sell their cars for money because she runs out every 3 to 4 months) he has lived in 26 houses in his life and had like 15 different cars because they get kicked out of every house and sell or get cars reposesed. But she says shes a millionaire? She also "passes out" when there's any kind of pressure or negative ttention on her. She will fall over and shake and spit out her mouth.. Of course they believe them or at least pretend to so theyve taken her to the hospital and nothin is wrong with her at all. She does it so they will feel bad for her, and then she starts talking like a baby also. They're all so intimidated and scared of her so NO one says anything about her lies, manipulating, guilt trips.. nothing. She will say shes on the plane coming to visit my bf whose in school (which so she badly tried to talk him out of) and she is lying the whole time, Never even on the flight. Shes nuts. But they don't say anything. They say they're used to it and expect it. They even make excuses for her sometimes. Which drives me insane.. But they say they're used to it nd if you confront her she will lie or cry and turn it on you and ask how you could ever say something to her like that because she "does so much for them" She has even told me that the bernie madolf case was awful because his kids shouldn't have turned him in because no matter what he does its none of their business if he lies to them or anything cause hes giving them money.

That's her motto for life I guess. She has been horribly mean to me sometimes and then will just act like nothin happens after a few months and I really just need advice on how to handle her. I have come from a family that can openly share their feelings and work through problems like anormal people. In his family, no one says anything to anyone. His siblings all live off her as well as his dad because she has made them all so co dependent that they don't even know how to live without her. My bf is the only one who is trying to do anything with his life and seperate himself. HE knows how crazy she is but still hasn't gotten to the point where he can tell her NO when she tries to manipulate.. She also is very competative with me and everything is a competition even down to "how close she is to God, because she knows I am" Shes just crazy..

I get so much anxiety knowing she will be my mother in law but he is such a great guy and loves me and is so understanding and lets me vent all day long and just is wonderful... how to handle her??? I tried to contact her in the past because she had really hurt my feelings and she just ignores my calls and texts.. But lemme tell you, If I did something to her, I would hear about it. The world revolves around her... UGH

Hi, cwilliams, welcome.

Some of what you describe sounds quite familiar; the giving of things, then taking them back, over and over; the illegal activities and laughing in scorn at the idea of being caught, etc. (My in-laws)

I wouldn't dream of telling you what to do one way or another, but I would strongly say this: I don't care how a person wants to rationalize it in their heads, as soon as they marry someone, they have married the whole family. Especially the mother! Like it or not!

Probably the only way you and your intended husband will be okay is if you both break totally away from the rest of his family. If he will not do that, then you have to deal with mama and other similar family members. You have to ask yourself if it is worth it. Is your mental health worth it. If you decide to have children, do you want that woman to be their grandmother.

Your gut feelings bothered you enough to come here and write this out. Your intuition is trying to tell you something.

I'd better shut up before I get in trouble!

No, I do understand where youre coming from, and that is why I came here because my gut and my heart are telling me different things. I have thought many times about if I can stay and if it is worth it. I guess I feel like it is because hes such a great guy and moved away from them so to me, that said a lot. But you are right, I know you marry the family and I dread having her as a mother in law and grandmother to my children. Its a difficult choice to make when you care so deeply for someone but they come with so much baggage because of their family. I have talked to him until he is blue in the face, and he really understands how hard it is for me, but like you said... at the end of they day he will always have a relationship with them and love them. I have been trying to pray through it but I just get anxiety thinking about her in my life forever. He is doing everything he can to seperate himself, and thats all I can really ask him to do without completely cutting her off... but I still cant stomach the thought of her being in my life FOREVER! UGH such a hard spot to be.. I appreciate your advice and I know at the end of the day it really is going to be my decision on whether or not I can deal with it forever and if its worth it. I dont wanth im to feel like hes punished because of his crazy mom, but I have to think of myself.. He hasnt ever been to counseling though and I really think we both need to go BEFORE we get married so we can work out some of these issues.. He knows shes crazy but stuffs his feelings. She has been a horrible mother and done things I cant even imagine.. (I know Psychopaths dont have a conscience so that explains a lot) So do you think counseling will help? Thats my only option here...

I feel like I get over things after a week of being mad, and then she just does something over again and has NO remorse. Theres no such thing as guilt or "Im sorry" everyone is victimized by her and she has controlled everyone for so many years. Its just crazy

What are your in laws like? The same way? Psychopaths?

Hi Cwilliams, welcome to our community. You can click on any members name and their posts will show up so you can read their history.

Di

This woman sounds much like ex my mother-in-law.

It's true... if you marry the man his mother will be part of the deal. No matter how hard you work to make a family life with just the two of you, his mother will be behind the curtain, constantly manipulating him. And from what you describe, she is a master at manipulation.

Please believe me when I say it isn't worth the heart-wrenching ordeal of marrying into a family of psycopaths. His mother will view your marriage as a licence to fight and abuse you at every opportunity.

I've lived it ~ 16 long years of it. From the day we were married, her mother was constantly manipulating, trying to drive a wedge between us. The ex could not separate herself from her mother.

Hope it helps.

I agree, F Wright, love doesn't conquer all, if it were me I would not let my heart rule and knowing from other members like yourself who took that path. The pain (and that is putting it mildly) is a sure thing if marrying into the family where a Psychopath is in the lead position, no way, no how, I would have to handle the broken heart and walk away.

I am truly sad to say this but that is what I would do. I wouldn't go down that road knowing it is a path to disaster. If a person thinks love can fix this situation, they are sadly going to be in for years of pain. The pain of walking away now will be small compared to what the road ahead lies.

Di

I do agree with you all. I know that love doesnt conquer all. I guess I just am wishing for the best but know i cant have the best of both worlds. She is a huge manipulator, my bf sees right through it, but still cant say no. So thats where the problem lies. Ugh, this sucks! I wish she would go away. I have tried to read a lot about Psychopaths and its mind boggling to me, how their brains work. She has done awful things and truly never has remorse, just gives money to manipulate "so they cant say anything to her" It really sucks to have to let go of someone you love because of their mom...

I'm really sorry for the situation you're in. More than a lot of other people out there, I think we understand how difficult and painful all of this is.

cwilliams32, what a sad predicament you are in. isn't it interesting and disturbing to read the responses you've gotten. run run run... is all everyone can say. so heartbreaking.

so now it's my turn to respond.

1) about your boyfriend being such a great guy. i do believe that, but, that may be one of your biggest challenges. he will most likely always be sympathetic to their needs and unable to let go - with you at his side. I am very much in that position. my son, my friends, tell me to walk away - but i love them and miss them and want them to survive (my siblings). but it's too late. it was probably too late the day i was born.. the game was already in play.

2) about your boyfriend seeing through her/ i always thought i did. and i did - about 95%. but the last 5% came recently. of course as a daughter - he my father - i felt deep down there was love of his little girl.. somewhere. but i have been blindsided with the realization that there isn't. that due to me seeing through him, i've always been his enemy.. i'm 1000% sure he truly hates me. now, think of that. what i'm discovering about myself - my childhood - how i deal with people. i'm somewhat of a mess inside. (nice how i write 'somewhat' ha ha) my world and social view is drastically different than 99% of the population. i truthfully cannot say that i have always had someone who loved me no matter what (of course except for my son). think of that for your boyfriend. if he really saw through her he would run.. as i have. right now he's just at some % of knowing and seeing. because when he see's it.. he must run.. and run from everyone he loves.

3) if he never gets to 100% and doesn't run. think of having her grandchildren. the influence and especially if she has money? she will f u up. she will do whatever it is in her power to win them. i know this from first hand experience. they will always have her to usurp your authority and your love. do you really want to have to compete for - not only your man - but now your own children?

food for thought.

Cwilliams, wow, it must feel by now that we are all beating on you. (((Sending you hugs right now.))) And sending the message that we've been through it, and are farther down the road. We're just telling you what we've seen, in hopes that it will help, not hurt. I know it's painful because reading all these responses make my heart hurt too.

Be kind to yourself today.

Hi - a family member of mine was engaged to a man with a very controlling and manipulative mother. Very close to the wedding date, she saw that he could or would not stand up to his mother on her behalf and she broke off the engagement. It was very heart breaking to her - she felt like it was a death. But now she is married to a wonderful man without all the baggage and is very happy.

As heart wrenching as a decision to walk away might be, you still have a great chance of happiness in your future. If you stay, your future will most likely be full of drama and heart ache, unless he is willing to completely turn his back on his family.

Wishing you all the best.

Concerned

If it's any help...

Before we married I knew the ex's mother was an evil woman. I was aware that her family was all jacked up. But I was led to believe that the ex and I would be a family of our own, separate from the in-laws.

That was a lie. To make a long story short, I was finally set free from my chains with little more than the shirt on my back to show for many years of unappreciated indentured servitude. I grabbed my shirt and ran like hell, never to look back.

When I started dating again I met a few women who seemed decent. Dating after 40 isn't all it's cracked up to be. Many folks who are single at that age are single for a reason. And it didn't take me long to figure that out.

This time around, I was older and wiser. I wasn't letting the little head do the thinking for the big head. This time around I was aware of the signs: Mountains of debt, inability to control spending. Hidden agendas, family members who interfere and can't or won't mind their own damn business. Looking not for a soulmate, but rather someone to take care of them. They didn't want a husband, they wanted a nurse.

There were a couple of times I thought I'd found a soulmate. But the more time I spent with 'em the more things I found that worried me. Every door opened to reveal another load of baggage. I hated to call it off but I just could not risk getting myself stuck in another intolerable situation. I would live under a bridge before I allowed that to happen again.

I may die a lonely, old man, alone some day. But I shall not die in shackles and chains.

Personal freedom is a precious thing and should never be taken for granted, not for a moment.

Sometimes you've just gotta say no. Sometimes, no matter how much you care for someone, you have to weigh your options, make the decision and say "this won't work for me." And stick by that decision. Don't dwell on what-ifs or what-could-have-beens. Put it behind you. Move on and move up.

It is better to be lonely alone than to be lonely with someone.