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#13297 - 05/15/12 10:45 PM Re: I think my father is a psychopath [Re: Dianne E.]
satan's child Offline
member

Registered: 04/21/12
Posts: 13
No, it is from multiple high speed car wrecks. He didn't start trying to attack me physically until I was about 16 when I began telling him how full of crap he was with the lies he would try to tell me...especially regarding the past. I would basically tell him, "HELLO, I was THERE...do you not remember?" When I was 21 and had been drinking a lot of Jack Daniels, I attempted to punch him in the face. THAT did not work out well needless to say. My Mother is good now other than some extremely high blood pressure issues (genetic predisposition & prior turmoil), and she remarried when I was ten. She may have chosen the worst man possible to be My Father, however, she did choose the absolute best Stepfather possible. I know how heavy genetics can weigh in, but I like to belive that My Stepfather has had a much larger role in shaping me into the woman that I am today. There are a few things that I still find hard to grasp. One of these is the constant RAGE I have from within for this pitiful excuse for human being, much less 50% of my DNA. How and will I ever get over this insatiable need to actually get the revenge that I feel I more than deserve? We live on the same side of town and it takes everything that I have to hold back from showing up on his doorstep with my baseball bat. Not even necessarily revenge for the hell he has put me through, but for all the indescribable things he has done to My Mother. Also, what if our paths cross again out in public, how do keep myself from losing it? As of now, I find much solace and content playing Roller Derby and airing much of my agressions that way...it is my therapy. Worst of all though, is the fact that I still do Love him for some reason...not sure why. As hard as it is to admit, I do have my days where I get kind of upset becasue I miss him...as My Father.

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#13298 - 05/15/12 11:38 PM Re: I think my father is a psychopath [Re: satan's child]
starry Offline
member

Registered: 01/06/11
Posts: 350
Is it actually him you're missing? Or is it a feeling of grief and loss for the father that you should have had?

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#13375 - 05/30/12 10:17 PM Re: I think my father is a psychopath [Re: starry]
satan's child Offline
member

Registered: 04/21/12
Posts: 13
Both...

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#13473 - 06/23/12 11:02 AM Re: I think my father is a psychopath [Re: satan's child]
daddysproblem Offline
member

Registered: 06/23/11
Posts: 99
I think that the issue is this. In my minds eye, in my 'heart', my father is not just my father, meaning my feelings about my father are not just our actual life together. they are a blend of societies message of what a father is. Somehow in my mind I have blended his 'actions' such as driving, eating, watching tv, and whatever we did together.. conversations and I have appended them with media and tv dad's and other dads. this created a false dad for me. Because he looks like the other dads. He dresses like the other dads. He was around like the other dads. But he never really related to me like the other dads.

So, in life, when i watch tv or real life parents interact with their children, i feel this nagging discontent and sadness. And I have finally realized it's because he never interacted with me or my siblings that way. He's never interested in my life. In any way. Instead the reality is that he's just kind of curious.. about me.. and unfortunately he gets a certain amount of pleasure in my being unhappy. So even if it's not horribly mean stuff he does, it is always taunting me. and watching my reaction. always a somewhat quizzical expression on his face.

So what do i really miss? I miss a fictional dad that my mind has created. And now as an adult i have separated that. I don't see him that way at all any more. Finally, I can only see, how he looks at me - detached from me, wanting nothing good for me. Wanting to take any of my own happiness away from me. Even to the point of wanting to steal and destroy the bond I have with my son.

Nothing good comes with my interactions with him. I now stay away. I'm having NO CONTACT. None for his recent birthday and none for fathers day. And believe this everyone.. The longer I stay away 2 things occur. IF i have any contact - I react pretty strongly.. my tolerance is gone. BUT if i maintain my no contact, my day to day, has little thought of him and our life. Most of my life I have woken up in the morning trying to shake off the impact of my family. Telling myself I have so much to be grateful for. But I am starting to wake up - this is amazing - without these thoughts - actually, one morning i awoke with pure gratitude. It was wonderful. and wonderfully encouraging.

Things CAN change.

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#13784 - 09/02/12 06:38 PM Re: I think my father is a psychopath [Re: Dianne E.]
satan's child Offline
member

Registered: 04/21/12
Posts: 13
He never hit me as a child (except that one time I was trying to protect Mom), it was My Mother he was trying to kill. It was the psychological abuse by what he would say about My Mother when I did see him as a child. This face mostly appeared when he was drunk and on Sunday before taking me back to Mom. It was the typical lies that I'm sure all of us "Bad Seeds" are aware of...where she is the enemy and he, as always, the victim.

Of course, I NEVER once bought into the brainwashing because HELLO, I was there living in hell until we left at 4! Now the one getting JUST the bare means (Water, Food & Shelter) from MY SOLE PROVIDER while watching her suffer from the stress, migraines (PTSD) & weight loss because she was feeding me instead of herself which still never stopped her from going to work every single day. (The Peace of Mind was still Priceless.) He never paid Child Suport (This was before The Attorney General of Texas prosecuted) yet she still allowed him to see me about every other weekend (when convenient for him) and I understand now why she did. It wasn't until I started rebelling and went to live with him at 16 (less rules & regulation.) About a year later, I met the Devil himself.

He would only appear a few times a year but each time was worse but yet would follow with an apology and how he would "never do it again" the very next day after each incident. This was mostly because I too was drinking and then would not hold back in telling him just what I really thought about him...you know, the TRUTH. He was twice my size but that still didn't stop me from trying to punch him in the face one time (bad move.) I was the one that was now getting physical first. He was now getting a taste of his own medicine from the daughter that he helped create. I finally left a few years later and only went back the one time I descibed above. Anyone with childrent must be aware that this biological connection is EXTREMELY STRONG. My Mother, the hippie, who is calm, mellow & does not believe in violence raised me and taught me what I know.

This however, was still not enough to prevent the inevitable Psychopathic Tendencies. I continue to battle these Inner Demons daily, while at the same time, can NEVER thank her enough for preventing me from becoming FULL FLEDGE like him. I now have expressed to her that I wish she would have never let me see him at all and that I wish I had never known him. You can't miss what you don't know. I know she feels guilty even though I don't blame her in any shape or form...she just wanted her only child to know and have a Father. To anyone that has a child with a Psychopath, GET AWAY AND KEEP YOUR CHILDREN AWAY FOR GOOD! I promise, you will thank me in the end.

I also want to especially thank Starry and daddysproblem for your posts. I could have written most of them myself. In a world where no one understands, I know that I'm not the only one out there. The one years later still battling not just the demons, but the anger, vengeance, hurt, pain, loss and much more.

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#13787 - 09/02/12 10:22 PM Re: I think my father is a psychopath [Re: satan's child]
queenofhercastle Offline
member

Registered: 01/25/12
Posts: 18
This is interesting, as I have only just in the last 6 mths or so asked my husband if his mother was always like how she is.

Yes, he said, but no one dared confront her in their family. I have been the first to do so & we have been married 25 years.
It took me until last year but could not let her treat her own son, and grandchildren the way she was.

He says that she just wasn't available. Nothing. No attending football or cricket games. No school functions. Any sports training
or activity, someone else's mum would pick him up and drop him home. No friends over to visit. The same meal every night, meat
& three vegetables. Always cooked till the vegetables were grey & soggy, the meat tough.

And now when I look back I remember being hurt when I would invite her to her grandchildren's school functions or sports activities
she would always accept, then just not turn up. I would ring the next day and her excuse would be "Oh I fell asleep" or I didn't feel
well. No sorry, just her stupid laugh.

If she knew it would benefit her, she would turn up. Say someone that was well known in the town was going, she would show up
so she wouldn't miss out. She wanted to be "high society" but wasn't and never would be. And thats why she latched onto very wealthy,
elderly neighbours, and surprise surprise she "inherited" nearly everything from their estate. The couples only daughter took her to court
over it but lost, as in their will they left most to my MIL. She convinced the elderly couple that their daughter was "no good". It sickens me
to think of what she got away with.

She will not be stopped & knows shes got away with it.

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#13937 - 10/17/12 11:58 AM Re: I think my father is a psychopath [Re: Dianne E.]
Gary92 Offline
member

Registered: 10/17/12
Posts: 18
I've been researching on the internet for the last 6 or 7 hours and came across this form. satanschild your posts inspired em to finally come clean with my story. I have been holding this for years. Now 20 years old, I think it's time I come clean.


I've recently ran a list of the psychopathic behavior and was not surprised at all that this statue of evidence ran down a description that best fit my father of everyone I've known.

When they say kids do not forget, it's true. For every single moment my father had his bursting rage of moments, mostly over small things, I can recount every single thing he broke, the times he put his hands on me and physically abused me, and everything he ever called my mother. The strange thing is, while I can remember it, he simply can't. He totally has forgotten it and it's never his fault, it's either my mother's fault, my fault, or if not them, it's someone else in the world. His violent glare is like looking right at a demon in someone's body. You don't know the fear of his eyes, and that snotty frown on his face when he starts screaming at the top of his lungs, the absolute fear it puts in you. That face has been in my nightmares my entire life chasing me. It's sort of like Star Wars with father vs son, and I always end up getting beat in the end of the nightmare by that menacing evil. I hate even going that direction of writing this, but you can just sense it in that face. Nothing is more evil than the look your own father gives you, and when he laughs and calls you a liar, it is like the devil or some kind of demon just laughing in your face.


The older I grew up, I was scared to death of my old man. His abuse was enough, he used to really beat me down, of course as he puts it "I beat your ass, not your face" (When he can blatantly remember it, though most time flat out denies ever putting his hands on me). At the age of 20 he told my mother he "seen it coming" that she had "brainwashed" me and my sister and turned us against him. This of course is the tipping point of that large chunk of emptiness I've witnessed in my growing up of 20 years of life in my study of humanity.

I believe my father's troubles began back home, and perhaps his own father was a psychopath himself. There has been many stories around me my entire life about how his father slept around, and of course from my own dad, the accounts of abuse and carelessness. My mother met him, and according to her "the apple didn't fall too far from the tree." I never met his father, and he died a few years ago, but when something happens with my mother's family he reminds everyone "I didn't have a father" in this smug attitude like he's got it just so bad. Anytime something happens, it's always him first. When things don't go right, it's NEVER his fault. Even when he does something so stupid and the evidence is right there in your face, he will lie and say someone else did it or they "made him" do it. It could be anything, from him staying up all night to drink every can in the fridge and then blaming it on his own kids when there is no drinks left in the morning.

My father was abandoned at the age of 16 left by both parents. While his father was a heavy alcoholic, drug abusing womanizer, his mother was a holier than thou woman with churches that would burn the tapes, shirts, and anything else "demonic". The only words he seems to ever remember from her were "There's a place in hell for liars". I never met my grandfather or even my grandmother from his side, but growing up I was constantly reminded how I had it so "good" cause he had it so bad, and so on. Of course this with his mother's hate for Rock music and heavy metal, it only lead him to really get into that stuff with the hardcore drinking.

His group of friends and influence was mostly the trashy lowlifes that would spend their time hard on alcohol and other drugs while blaring heavy metal music. He wanted to be this big heavy metal star as a guitar player. I grew up in that sorta life with the guitar, but even at the young age of 12, it was very clear to me that my father had a problem with listening to others. When you played with him, it was his word, or else. You were told over and over how bad you are, when we would leave, all he ever did was badmouth the people he played with. When being corrected on his playing, normally lead to arguments or his patience starting to go thin. Of course he never had these violent out bursts in front of his friends, but took it out on us when we got home. he could play a song totally wrong and let them correct him, but if you tried to tell him "are you trying to tell me how to play guitar?" he would become very angry. That's what always confused me as a kid. We the family were the enemy. He would abuse us, down right torture our emotions but he NEVER did that to his trashy friends, and most of them thought we truly were screwed up in the head as he had convinced them. The good friends he had that were not white trash (very few) that had careers such as the Navy/Military, and honest lives without drugs, he would run them off, and tell everyone how "bad" they were. I can't remember a friend of my father's that didn't have some kind of drug problem or issues with drinking. It seemed he was only attracted to the trash.

My father has always been a drinker. Normally beer. I can remember so many times as a kid watching him down can after can and then swearing to myself over and over how I would never drink as it made him 10 times worse, and far more violent. Around his trash pack of friends, he was really drinking, and that was the reason my mother made me stop going with him. When I was a lot younger, he would leave all night and not come back to the next day, doing lord knows what. He would come home drunk off his butt, and of course "y'all made me do it".

When I was 13 years old, an incident at walmart where my father came up behind me and hit me in the back, pushing me on the concrete outside before being dragged to the car, left me very embarassed and feeling terrible. He never admitted it was his fault, and still to this day professes that I was "being a spoiled little brat" and how I had it coming.

I can remember every time he beat me, normally around the age 3-9, I was doing something to annoy him, I can't even remember what it was most the time. Other than the wal mart incident, I can think of 2 other times he came from behind and caught me off guard. One time he just came behind me when I was on the floor (age 8) and went to town beating my little rear end while cussing me. The other time, I was about 9, and he swore that I pushed my little sister, so he come running, drags me out of the bathroom, slammed me against the wall 4 times before opening the door and then went to beating me endlessly while I was crying. I can never forget that, and it made me scared to death of him. That was perhaps the worst incident, and I am still greatly traumatized by it. Another incident happened when I was 10, and I can't even remember what it was over, but he beat me because something over a toy, and that was the only time I ever told anyone what happened. There was a few times I got beat with a belt, where I had to put my hands against the wall and then get my butt slapped. Normally if I screamed, he would do it harder and this lead to a violent rampage that my mom had to get him off of me one time. I told my grandpaw that I got beat and next thing I know, I have BOTH my parents all over me. My grandfather confronted him, what he said, I don't know, but after that I got chewed out and threatened, and after that it became "next time I beat the s*** out of you, I'll get you on the phone with your paw since you think you're a bad ass". When he would beat me and I started crying, he normally would start hitting harder and would think it was funny "oh you wanna cry huh?" he does the same thing to my mother when he abuses her emotionally. I never seen him physically hit my mother, but I swear he did. At one point he did do it in my presence, try to break her neck and she fought him off, which lead to him throwing things and breaking a bunch of stuff, and you want to know why? She didn't answer him fast enough. He wakes her up "where's my f***ing money at" when all along the money was in his wallet. NO apology whatsoever. She made him do it according to him.


When i turned 13 my body had began to change and for more, I was diagnosed with chronic illnesses. My mother had so many tests ran but they couldn't explain it. I also was in testing for blood pressure, heart rate, and panic attacks, which I felt were caused from the trauma of my father, but of course who really knows when you're told to lie about everything? You can never talk about your father calling your mother a worthless whore, or calling you a burden that he regrets, cause you are threatened how much worse you'll get it.

I did tell my mother the things, and she listened, but it never made a difference. It always made things worse with him. The one time I started to tell people what happened, I had her on me, and sometimes him. The incident with my grandfather is a great example of that. My mother always wanted things hush hush, when in reality we needed a lot of help, all the time, but her pride seemed to always get in the way, and her being scared people would judge her.


At the age of 14, I was bullied really bad by a gang of black kids in middle school. This event of having your lunch stolen everyday, along with numerous other things, and finally I had enough and told my mother. I told the school. According to my father I was a "pussy" a "little wimp that can't stand up for himself" Not one time did my father raise a finger to go up at that school and do something. All I ever got told was how "fragile" I was. My mother fought and had the kids expelled for the entire year as they couldn't finish the year after I came clean. It was a big incident, I was forever known as "that snitch" to the entire school. My father then stressed it to me how I shouldn't trust "n*****s" and numerous other things about why black people are bad. I didn't listen to his racism. The very next year, I befriended a young black kid that gave me an old cell phone through our friendship. When I brought it home, my father was just so sure that I was "hustling" in the money he gave me for school and this lead to another bad emotional argument that reminded me how I was worth nothing now that I was "hustling with n*****s" when the fact of the matter was, it was just a cell phone that he gave to me! The following year, I went through home schooling with my mother, but for that same black kid, I eventually caught up with him in high school and the fact of the matter is, he was a good friend, and never did me any wrong.


The strange thing is, when I was 5 years old, my mother gave birth to my sister, who he has tried to brainwash for years. Even saying "she is my second chance" to my own mother. He never beat her like me, in fact he never touched her period. My sister would use his cruelness as a way to make him abuse me, leading to more beatings and over time when she wanted something, all she had to do was lie like him and next thing you know he's on a war path over something so stupid. They would leave and go to the store and he would get her to tell him things when she was a young kid, next thing you know, he comes home and goes on a war path over something I told my mother about how he threatens me. However as the years went by, my sister started to fight back. Of course if I say something back I get threatened he's going to break every bone in my body, but if she fights back, he don't care, but he reminds her that our mother has "brainwashed" us, um hello? WE ARE THERE! WE SEE HOW YOU ARE!

My father did buy us things and actually 'try' sometimes, but most the time it wasn't all there. He would use his trashy friends to rip him off, then blame it on us for wanting something or blame it on my mom for telling him he was getting ripped off. Nothing was EVER the fault of his trashy friends. One time he bought a jet ski that didn't even crank up. My mother told him "why would you pay 2 thousand dollars and not even try to run it first?". Another time he bought a motorcycle that wasn't even put together. it was in a box, and that was 500 dollars wasted. Whenever we had extra money, he would blow it on the stupidest things, if it wasn't marijuana and alcohol, and he was spending money on us, he would let himself get ripped off, then blame us for wanting something. In one really bad incident, he bought 2 used and worn out PSPs from someone he worked with. Now these handhelds were a bit worn out, but here's the funny thing....they didn't even have batteries in them. So when I told him that's why they don't come on, he gets angry at me (but not my sister) and he brings this idiot to our house to argue with me (the kid) that "it don't need batteries, you just gotta plug it up" and of course the thing didn't work, but he got mad at me for telling this guy the flat out truth that it's not going to play without batteries, instead of getting mad at HIM for ripping him off.
Whenever we have had extra money, he blows it on the most stupidest things, when it's not alcohol or other things. When we are sitting on good money to pay off our bills, he will stop working for a few days, so we are down right struggling then flat out lie "I pay the bills, I do EVERYTHING, no one else does anything" when he's never paid a bill in his life, nor does he even have the patience with anyone to do so.


There's been many occasions where we lived that the neighbors got to see it for themselves. Similar to that incident in walmart, you get embarrassed in front of people witnessing everything. Him coming home drinking and driving and throwing beer bottles and busting them everywhere, his foul mouth, but then he wonders why all the elderly people that lived around us could not stand us. We were forced to move off the land shared by us when he continued to drive the owner's wife insane, (whom had been in and out of the asylum, she would say god talked to her). This woman would beg him not to drink and all that on her land, since we didn't really own it, and when she asked him this, he just did it even more, leaving beer bottles everywhere and then laughing about it. This woman was the mother of one of his trashy friends, who basically would encourage it. This friend of his has been in and out of jail for years on drug trafficking charges and of course DUI's as someone that was very reckless when drunk. Even though I knew this friend of his for years growing up and when he was around, my old man was just an even bigger jerk as if he was trying to look big and bad, of course he blames it all on his friend, it's never his fault at all, cause he "never did anything" to us.


The TV is God. You ever see someone that can't take their eyes off a screen to listen to ANYONE? He is a great example. Normally over something important too, my mother has to repeat herself 3 of 4 times, then he gets angry, and it's always her fault. I have NEVER in my life seen him say he's sorry and admit he's wrong. Normally he will be glued to the TV for hours, normally a beer in his hand. You'll be in the same room talking about something with your mother and sister, and it will go on for at least 10 minutes, sometimes longer. As soon as you walk out the room, he starts to get angry and accuses everyone of "talking about me behind my back".

Anything my mother does is bad. Weather it's shutting a door or calling for the dogs to come in. He has found an excuse to complain about ANYTHING and EVERYTHING she does. As I got older, I started to stand up for her. My mother does everything. She cleans, washes the dishes, does the clothes, while when he comes home, he just drinks, watches TV, and does nothing but remind us how horrible he has it. He will work all day, and then the rest of his day is spent in front of the TV, beer in his hand and that's it, before he goes to bed. Normally about to just explode on my mother or me when I'm around over some of the most stupid things to be mad. I can't even remember half the things he accuses me of when he goes back and says what I did years ago. It always has bugged me he can't remember a single good thing I did but he remembers every time I angered him "being a spoiled little [censored] when you were 7, 12, (even sometimes below the age of 7)" When he does do the dishes once every 7 months or so, he has to make sure you know about it for at least a week reminding everyone "I did the dishes, you don't do nothing around this house". Anything I do is bad too. From when I was in school to what music I listen to (outside of heavy metal), to what ever books I am reading, there is always just something he can shoot out his mouth to downgrade me and talk about me being "fragile" in his favorite words. Thanks to my health conditions, I've been reminded that quite often.

That's the big conclusion with my father. He remembers NOTHING except negative things. He don't remember anything I did in school, except that stuff, he don't remember anything my mom did with us, except when he would start fights with her over dumb things. He don't remember anything positive. When he comes home after a long day, he will bring something up, sometimes even 20 years old as if he just wants to fight when he don't have a reason to be angry. He will take dumb things like a cat's name and start a fight over that "Why you name a cat 'Manni' it sounds like 'Danny'" For instance the walmart incident left me traumatized and scared he was going to come from behind on me again and do that again, that I was more 'tense' being with him in public and people started to see it, it was very embarrassing around my friends.

At the age of 16, I watched my mother get diagnosed with diabetes. Not over her weight and still unknown how she got Type B, but I think the fault lies at home. my mother gets sick, he keeps nagging her. I have seen her throw up and he has laughed at her! How much more sick can you be? He will make jokes about her being sick, then when you say something about it, you're lying, he didn't say that, he never admits when he's wrong and if you keep telling him, he gets violent and starts threatening you. He has threatened me before to the point it's made my entire body shake uncontrollably. He normally says my mother "makes it up" about being sick even though doctors have told him that she is really bad now with diabetes. He tries to convince her that it's all her fault and sometimes I think he wants her to be put in an asylum. I strongly believe he would have me put in one as well, as growing up as a teenager "I'll have your ass locked up if you don't do what I say"

That's how it is living with my father, he can break stuff, go on rampages and make a fool of himself in public and of course the next day it's like nothing ever happened. I've come to think that man truly hasn't changed so much in over 2000 years, because while he talks about "this is wrong" with using violence to get your way, it's the one thing I have learned from watching him. When he don't get his way with us, he threatens us. When people don't agree with, they are either #1 - Nutcases, #2 - Stupid, or #3 - Jealous of him.


Religion is a key factor to my father's insanity. As I stated before, he endured the early childhood of a mother that left him after burning all his belongings over sin. My father flat out hates religion. From flipping the bird at church goers to going into long arguments about how it's brainwash material. it's all brainwash, just like he says our mother brainwashed us against him. The whole logic of repeating his mother's words "There is a place in hell for liars" seems to justify how he's become the biggest liar I've ever seen in my life. OK so you reject religion, so you will be the biggest liar of them all? As addicted to the TV, he will tell you numerous movies or shows that document how "crazy" church goers are, for example "The Da Vanci Code". This hate for religious people and black folks is not alone. He has a problem with ANYONE of ANY society, class, religion, and race. You name it, he will come up with a reason that he's better than them. Normally it's the average stereotypes that seem to come from watching too much TV. I understand the TV seems to be an art form of judgement, but it's really not the route to go down to when you're teaching right from wrong. As much as I heard about why the rich are spoiled and snobby, (As stupid as this sounds, he even uses the movie 'Titanic' as a reference to how bad rich people are) I've grown to really respect them and know some wealthy friends in my life that I held really close to me, and I am not jealous of the big house they have while we live in a trailer.

He has worked at shipyards for over 20 years. I remember every time he would quit. One year we had it really rough when he started and quit 4 different jobs in just 3 months. Eventually he stopped this and went back and has not had a quit spell for over 7 years. It was hard since he was the only one bringing income in, but the fact of the matter was exactly why he did that; he simply could not get along with anyone. It's worse enough when his own boss has said it took him over 10 years to make him a supervisor based on how he treats people. Normally it takes 3-5 years for that title to be achieved in the shipyards. My father has had many incidents over the years in shipyards, normally coming home and telling a story about this person and that person being useless and then complaining to the higher ups about how he treats them. This has resulted in some confrontations over the years. His quick to judge mouth has nearly had him assaulted before, and of course it's NEVER his fault. He actually thinks this crap is funny, and it's really not when his own boss has confessed to your mother that his attitude is the reason he never granted him a super visor for years to come. In over 20 years, my father has never had someone on the same crew last over a year. Now he's working under someone that don't take a lot of his crap and it drives him insane that someone just tells him to be nice and get over himself.

When my mother worked before her diabetes, he seemed to be very jealous of her bringing in income, and knew it was a potential threat to her leaving. As kids, a divorce has been a dream ever since I can even remember. I envy kids that are divorced that would sit up and tell stories about how it was much easier it can be. This jealousness has went on for many years. When I was first learning how to play my guitar in all his heavy metal world of music, anytime I picked something up, I was never doing it right "You never listen to me! That's why you can't play [censored]!"...I eventually stopped playing the guitar for a couple years. I started to really question music outside of the heavy metal la la land, and eventually went from that to classic rock, to the electro sounds of the 1980's. I wanted to learn all about music without this distorted view that one genre was everything. By the age of 18 this lead me to Blues and R&B and I picked my guitar back up.

As soon as I turned 17, things were changing for me. My father was a bit more "open" about his secrets. It didn't feel right at all. One night he waits till my mom falls asleep and then confesses to me "Your dad smokes weed" and I thought my brain exploded. It made sense now why the bathroom always smelled so rotten all the time when he was up drinking. "You better not tell your mom, think about all your friends, your dad smokes weed, you got it made with me" and his rejection when I denied the offer to smoke weed with him? He got pissed off, nothing new, and was a typical asshole the rest of the night cause I refused to try it. Ever since then, he has smoked it a lot more. He didn't want my sister to know but he was pretty dead set on me trying it with him, and with my allergies that he knows about, absolutely don't care smoking it in front of me and making jokes like a child "I got weed bro!" like it's funny. May be hilarious to him but as a son, I feel confused. I have a mother telling me it's bad, I have a father arguing that and encouraging drug abuse. I listened to my mother and I never have touched any drugs in my life after looking at him. His other secrets, I don't know and nor do I want to know. My mother only began to tell me things. When I was a young boy, my grandparents collected 2 dollar bills for me. I easily had over 30 of them, and I was supposed to hold onto them as a kid. I also had other rare coins that were over hundreds years old. I always wondered what happened to all of them, but my mom finally confessed he would take them to the pawn shop or other places and trade them for money and go out drinking and smoking weed (and whatever else, since his friends have problems with the other heavy drugs) with his trashy friends.

I never dated a girl seriously and now at the age of 20, this was why. I didn't want anyone to see what goes on in this house, I've been ashamed of it my entire life. Every friend I had, has seen it. I only have one real friend through all these years, and he loves my parents and appreciates them, but my father behaves himself in front of him, so when I started to tell my friend what really goes on, he had a really hard time believing me and still to this day, I don't think he really believes me when I tell him what really goes on.

As I quickly started to over come growing pains as a guitar player, I learned some of the great Blues standards, and would play these songs for my mother, and my sister whenever she would want to hear it. Anyone that wanted to listen. When I played the most simplest BB King lick for my father "you're over bending, you're not playing it right, you are out of key" It was just endless. He would say how he just didn't like the Blues or whatever else had R&B roots to it. The few times we played together, he would start steaming when I would be ripping a solo. When his friends or whoever else were praising me, he would get mad, and you could just see it in that cold stare that he couldn't stand it. To him the guitar was always competition, and to be quite clear, he was never that great to begin with. He only knew 5 chords at most, but according to him, he knew everything. Over time we actually met some very experienced guitar players that didn't drink or act like the trash he preferred to be around and of course: "they sucked" or "they didn't know anything". These handful of individuals could not stand him. One of them who was in his late 50's, very experienced with over 30 years of playing and basically did my old man like he was doing everyone else in the room. it was priceless seeing him get owned like that by this guy who had so much experience and was basically telling my dad how wrong he was, and to stop acting like we are on competing over "who's better". We never seen this guy again and my dad would lie with the most hilarious stuff to try and say he sucked, "He couldn't even play power chords" even though this guy was ripping Chuck Berry songs back and forth, but of course "he sucks" because my dad said so, when in all reality he's just mad that someone stood up to him and told him what he is in front of everyone.

From my friends, I learned the guitar was about HAVING FUN. It wasn't about who was better. You could debate endlessly who was the best of all time but at the end of the day, does it even matter? This jealousness has been in everything. From football fans, guitar playing, music, historical facts, and so on. He's right, you're wrong. It don't matter if you have it in black and white in a book, if he says he's right, he's right, or else you get threatened if you say he's wrong. (And of course he forgets about this and calls you a liar the next day). I used music to escape, and that eventually lead to the internet where I learned so much more about music than I ever did listening to him brag about Ozzy Osbourne and Pantera. I started to figure out, and it's hard to ignore. In some music, there seems to be a grand display of a presentation. In Heavy Metal there is this illusion that violence is an answer, just as Rap seems to glorify the stereotype of women and guns, drugs and money. The Blues is just the Blues, the definition of pain and struggles, and mostly were I did my coping, along with the classic Rock bands that carried their roots from the Blues. The wide range in the world of Jazz through instruments and modes, and even Fusion Jazz made me a lot more open minded than I was when I was younger. He used to leave to go these concerts and describe how "fun" the mosh pits were, but to me, I seen this on videos and was thinking "who on earth wants to fight and get violent over music?"

The only thing my psychopathic father did not do was sexually abuse us, and thank you Jesus for that, but everything else fits him perfectly. The controlling atmosphere, never learning from his own mistakes, never ever ever ever admitting when he's wrong, everyone is "brainwashed" against him. I figure he was born this way. I never met his parents, but I know his entire family outside of them have nothing to do with him. He hasn't seen any of them in over 35 years but of course blames it on them when he's out of victims to blame it on. Sometimes I really have to wonder why his family has nothing to do with him. He has a brother in Florida who was supposed to see us about 12 years ago, and decided to change his mind at the last moment, and never did it. He has spoke of other siblings I think a sister, but I have no real clue as his family is many states away. I have NEVER heard my father say a positive thing about any of his family, yet he likes to compare himself to others "you have a grandfather, I didn't have jack crap". What's the point then? His own brother "You're talking like my brother, shut your fing GD mouth right now". While growing up he often brought up how he fought with his brother (and father), who normally got the best of him, and along with his extremely abusive parents, but it's still no reason to treat everyone like crap. You had a bad childhood but you "left" that behind only to continue reminding everyone how "bad" you got it now.


This conflict inside me between what's right and what's wrong has sadly made me learn a good scripture of "what not to do" from my own father when it should be the other way around. Being around elderly, in particular my own grandfather, and some other older generation people, i was always shocked how happy they were beyond the age of 40. They rarely ever complain and are always talking about good stuff. My father as he grows older is just worse and worse. I used to feel like Luke in Star Wars and this was some battle for my soul being good or evil, especially when I was a younger boy getting the crap beat out of me. I wanted to rise up and beat him and make him feel my pain. I used to dream it, like those movies, getting beat and losing, only to come back and unleash my rage and just pound it out of him like Luke did. Even to this day, that would be quite satisfaction to see him pay for every time he put my mother, sister and myself in tears from his violent rampages, and so we could laugh at him like he did to us, but would that really justify everything itself? I know it would not; Creating more violence to oppress violence never works. Even to this day at 20 years old, it takes everything in me to not try and beat him down. he's so much bigger than me, I'd lose easily but sometimes it takes everything in me to not want to go buy a club or baseball bat and go town on his sorry pathetic ass for everything he ever did to my mother. I go to bed every night praying that there is Jesus, and that I do not want to be like my father at all. However this isn't Star Wars, and while I've seen my father cry over me and my sister, I don't think there is much "good" in him as that has happened only twice in my 20 years of living, and it's been extremely rare. Those tears he sheds always come out fake, like he wants to be the victim instead of us. He's watched me cry for many times and just remind me how I'm most fragile nut case that needs to be locked up.

At the end of the day it was always "he's just a cold hearted a-hole" but more and more as I got older, it was clear that he was a psychopath, and I clearly believe he DOES know what he's doing. When he lies and says he didn't do it and immediately forgets the wrong things he does, he does that for a reason and that is that his mind is corrupted far beyond repair, and he is pure evil. Of course the drink in the hand don't help it. All over town he is known as "Psycho Danny" to the point it's pretty embarrassing knowing that's your father, and everyone that knows him around town will talk about how big of a jerk he is. His friends, he has none except one, who is basically the spitting image of him. The same problems, breaks stuff, emotional abuse with wife and kids (oh and he defends this person). I don't doubt it as I've heard him screaming and cussing at us our whole lives to threatening to murder someone and their entire family.Of course he's all talk, but it really scares you living under the same roof with that.

The breaking point to this was when my mother lost her great uncle. My father's response "You have a family, now all of a sudden you want to cry?". Here's my mother grieving and he goes all out to remind her how he feels about her, then with me "you were always a spoiled little brat" and I will remember these words to my grave "I should have packed my [censored] and got the [censored] out of here 10 years ago, I seen this when they was 10 years old, you were going to brainwash them, cause you're a woman". When you have your own father threatening you at age 20 "You are [censored] in the head," it just destroys you. "You don't know a GD thing, your dad didn't beat the [censored] out of you" YES YOU DID!! "I didn't punch you in the f***ing face!" YOU STILL BEAT ME WHEN I DIDN'T SEE IT COMING! "You had it coming in walmart cause you still don't listen to me you [censored] brat, I regret even bringing your sorry ass into this world!" Of course this in between him laughing and pumping his fist as if he's about to violently charge at me in anger. That is proof he don't love me. When I talk to other kids growing up and seen friends that had a father that would get outside and play with them, take them to the park and whatever WITHOUT constantly arguing with the mother, I couldn't believe it. Anytime we went somewhere, it turned into a hassle and lead to being embarrassed in public because "your momma's a piece of dog crap". As much abuse I've seen with my own eyes that he puts my mother through and then has it in him to say she "brainwashed" us as kids, I just want to destroy him every single time. He is the most manipulating lying piece of scum I have ever met in my life and he's my own father.


At the age of 20 and living through this abuse, I have lost all faith in my father redeeming or changing himself. Born a psychopath, raised a psychopath, he will be a psychopath for the rest of his life. I have been avoiding my father for 2 straight days. Today my mother tried to make peace, saying they needed to stop fighting for the sake of the kids, you know what his response was? "F You, you want a war you got it.". Despite him being my father, I feel no sympathy for him what so ever. I'm sick of hearing when my mother loses a family member "What about my uncles?" Ha! I never even met them, so what about them? According to my mother and people that actually knew them, they are in jail or were in jail for doing some really bad things. What about his kids? We should matter right? My father has life great if you consider all his trashy friends today are junkies on the street, in prison, or still living on their parents income while they continue to guzzle down beer and drugs. A psychopath does nothing but complain and glare this demonic presence of evil about through their eyes. Those eyes are like looking at the devil, it makes the hair on the back of my neck stand straight up. I fear my mother's life everyday. When they have things good, it's never good enough for them, it's always some excuse to make them down someone else and then cover their lying tracks. That's the thing about lying and forgetting things, they actually DO forget the bad things they do. For everything he has forgotten and all the bridges he's burned along with the sorrow and pain he's inflicted, i trust one day that he will know the meaning of those very words "there is a place in hell for liars". Sometimes I feel bad for hating my father, but what else can you really do? He is garbage. I feel like a bad person when I think about wanting to stand up and beat him down for everything he's done to us in our life, but how else am I supposed to feel? At this point my mother totally regrets even staying 20 years with him, saying "you could have had a better daddy". I don't even need a father though, she is right but the father I've had has been a very poor one. I've started to accept faith in my life through Jesus Christ as some kind of comforting shield against him. Of course he is someone that flips off people going to church and uses every excuse to discriminate religious people, so he's not happy with this at all that I am doing bible studies, and it's probably because I can see right through him that he's nothing but a coward that is going to face his sins one day once and for all.


I have now decided to go back to school, and get my G.E.D. and get the hell out. My dad was a misfit at a young age, constantly getting in trouble with DUIs, drugs and other things along with his group of trashy friends, but me, I got rid of my trashy friends before I went to high school. I may have dropped out, but I am using this as motivation, to do something. I promise and one day there will be a better day for all of us. He can stay put, alone in the dark where he truly belongs. There is no use in me becoming violent and oppressing him in the same behavior. He is bigger and would crush me instantly, but the fact of the matter is, it's not worth it. There is no fixing a psychopath, but it's up to me to get my family out, and I will do it or die trying. Sadly I know he'll come home today as usual, start screaming at someone, open a few beers and waste hours after hours staring into blank space on the TV screen. There will be a better day for the three of us, without the fear of everyday horrors. I hope.

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#13940 - 10/17/12 04:59 PM Re: I think my father is a psychopath [Re: Gary92]
Gary92 Offline
member

Registered: 10/17/12
Posts: 18
I wish I could delete my large post, as I don't think this was the best place to put it. No offense to anyone but I want to ask a professional. If someone can, please delete my super long post, too much information about me.

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#13941 - 10/17/12 05:12 PM Re: I think my father is a psychopath [Re: Gary92]
Dianne E. Offline

Administrator
member

Registered: 11/15/02
Posts: 2788
Loc: United States
Gary, thank you for joining our community and sharing your heart wrenching story. Your story is like a public service for those in relationships who have kids and think that having a Psychopath as a parent is better than no parent at all. Hopefully your strength in coming forward will help those out there to know it is a rather cruel life to be subject a child to a Psychopath.

I can feel your resolve and hope that you can get out of there as soon as possible. Do you have any options, doesn't sound like you have any family support? Are you concerned to leave your mother and sister alone with him? It is sad when a mother doesn't protect the children but she is probably so deep into PTSD etc. that would be too much to expect of her.

Quote:
There will be a better day for the three of us, without the fear of everyday horrors. I hope.


I have a feeling that with the resolve and opening up to us about life that you will find a path out of these horrors.

You are very wise to just lay low and dream of how you can escape, this is no way to live. I am so truly sorry for what you have seen in your life.

Do you plan to leave on your own or have a need to be able to take your sister and mother with you? Do you think at this point your mother given the opportunity would leave him?

It must have been terrible as a child to have everyone know what your father was. My father wasn't a Psychopath but a severe alcoholic and I learned patterns of never inviting people home etc. so I can understand, clearly not anywhere near to the extreme and I am so very sad for what life has been like for you and your family. I hope we can support you and encourage you on your path forward.

Di

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#13942 - 10/17/12 05:37 PM Re: I think my father is a psychopath [Re: Dianne E.]
Gary92 Offline
member

Registered: 10/17/12
Posts: 18

We have no family outside of my mother's side and she won't go back to them. We are all living under the same roof, you're not allowed to speak of this to anyone. I tried to call 911 the other day but she stopped me cause it would send her mother into a heart attack. My grandmother is really sick right now and she don't want to stress, but I have heard this a million times.

I live with the regret that I dropped out of school and didn't get the hell out when I had the chance. I could have got my education and took my mother and sister out, but I didn't.

I don't think I should delete my posts now. As much as I want to, I think my story should be told.

Sadly I have no real experience with jobs, or anything outside of school. At my age, it's depressing to say I can't even drive a car, and just think of who is teaching you to drive and if it would put you in a nervous wreck with him in the passenger seat, cause that's exactly what happened the few times I got lessons from him.

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