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#12753 - 03/04/12 07:11 AM The stare, what about the stare?
Mug42Long Offline
member

Registered: 03/03/12
Posts: 16
I was wondering if anyone out there got the stare? The warning stare. It is cold, animal, deathly. crazy

The - "what have to said about me when I wasn't there, it better have been good", warning stare?

I look at pics of my mother and nearly every one has this fake smile. smirk I used to tell her not to pose in pics.
The pose is like when you tell a child to smile and they fake it, because they want to be somewhere else.

Does anyone feel betrayed, stupid, angry and finally in contempt? mad
I think we go through stages, like grief.
Grief, because we thought we had a relationship. We did, they didn't.... confused

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#12755 - 03/04/12 09:48 AM Re: The stare, what about the stare? [Re: Mug42Long]
daddysproblem Offline
member

Registered: 06/23/11
Posts: 99
Mug... yes yes yes... i made my discovery in my 50's also. read my posts - you may enjoy the similarities. they say misery likes company.. sad to say that is a little true.. not that i want others to be miserable.. i just want to find people that can instantly relate to my life story. and i don't know any who can even relate to a hint of what dad is.

So, the stare. there's a topic on here. something like the eyes of the psycopath. read those posts.

If you think about it. The fact they have no empathy. They don't 'feel' other people in the usual human way, life must be so complex to them. Just as we can't find people we know with a Psychopath in their life - think how different the world is from their eyes. So they develop their own skillset to navigate, negotiate, behave - in life. When they are watching they aren't feeling.

that's why - the eyes, the stare.

isn't it crazy to have made this discovery so late in life? It's been a long path for me. When I hit upon info on narcissists - maybe 10 years ago, it was clicking for me. But the Psychopath discovery is the icing on the cake.

Keep writing - i'm definitely reading.

(have you watched 'fishhead'. if not, find the link on here. you'll love it.)

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#12761 - 03/06/12 09:47 AM Re: The stare, what about the stare? [Re: daddysproblem]
F Wright Offline
member

Registered: 01/19/12
Posts: 13
Oh yeah... I sure remember that. The ex and her co-Psychopaths (read family) would use the empty, evil stare as a tool of intimidation. They were adept at using it to embarrass potential targets in public as well.

The purpose is to make others feel small. It puts people on the spot and can make for a very uncomfortable situation. No one appreciates being stared at, and the Psychopath knows it.

Agreed, making this discovery late in life isn't unusual. Long term exposure, whether emotional or professional affords the Psychopath the ability to create an environment where his or her behavior is accepted as standard, or normal.

An analogy would be building a greenhouse in a hostile climate. The Psychopath actually constructs an environment within another environment to suit his agenda. The constructed environment, i.e. the greenhouse is designed to appear better than the only alternative, the hostile evironment outside, and innocent people are drawn in.

We don't figure it out until we've escaped and have the luxury of looking back and sorting through our lives. The resulting emotions ~ anger, regret and so forth are perfectly normal.
_________________________
All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing.
Edmund Burke

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#12765 - 03/06/12 06:15 PM Re: The stare, what about the stare? [Re: F Wright]
Mug42Long Offline
member

Registered: 03/03/12
Posts: 16
Dear F.Wright

I like the analogy. When you are born into the greenhouse, it's your normal environment. When you look out, you don't see a hostile climate, you see people in normal relationships and you may want to stop them by using Psychopath behaviour, it's all you know.

The Psychopath tries to make it seem hostile outside the greenhouse, they are weak.

The Psychopath parent enforces that you are bad for behaviing like a Psychopath.
You believe you are bad, your Psychopath parent has always inferred you were.
You wish and hope that one day you will be as happy and have the relationships they have outside the greenhouse.

DREAM ON!

The only way is to escape, but that sometimes means leaving others behind as the family is torn apart.
Is Psychopath behaviour a throwback from the caveman?
Survival, you must be brutal to survive? As in business/government, LOL!


Edited by Mug42Long (03/06/12 06:16 PM)

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#12772 - 03/06/12 09:12 PM Re: The stare, what about the stare? [Re: Mug42Long]
Dianne E. Offline

Administrator
member

Registered: 11/15/02
Posts: 2788
Loc: United States
Hi Mug42Long,

like I said on another thread I am concerned about your comments, I will put your membership on hold until this is cleared up. You can email me to explain what you are saying, perhaps I am not following what you are saying but we do not allow anyone who thinks they are a Psychopath to post here.

Quote:
I have written a bit on this site.
I must warn you, I know I have a small amount of Psychopath in me and I know that I could be like your father. Do you have any, even a little? Have you considered it? Or like me, do you try and snuff it out, but may use it to someone out of your chosen circle?

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#12776 - 03/07/12 08:55 AM Re: The stare, what about the stare? [Re: Dianne E.]
daddysproblem Offline
member

Registered: 06/23/11
Posts: 99
Hello Mug and Dianne,

I think that Mug is using 'actions' to define the Psychopath not the underlying personality trait. So, Mug, I think you are mis-using the term and calling yourself something you're not. I'm not going to say that you have not learned and acted in ways that were similar to your mom, hence similar to a Psychopath, but that was the external. Do all Psychopaths hit, no. And the reverse is true, just because someone hits doesn't make them a Psychopath.

We all start on this little earth with a set up traits and strengths that makes us who we are. The Psychopath is missing some very crucial HUMAN traits. Empathy, conscience, remorse, compassion.. are the biggies.

So, Dianne, I think.. when I read Mug's posts that's what i'm hearing.

It does seem to be a common mistake not only among people who land here but among the psychiatric community... to measure actions to determine the personality trait. you can never know what truly motivates someone to act. until you really really know the person. You can't really test a Psychopath - especially a smart socialized one. Because Psychopaths survival depends on their dishonesty on every level. It's how the ones not locked up function. And function well. It's not intentional.. it's just survival. Instinct. Effortless. Spontaneous.

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#12795 - 03/13/12 06:24 PM Re: The stare, what about the stare? [Re: daddysproblem]
Dianne E. Offline

Administrator
member

Registered: 11/15/02
Posts: 2788
Loc: United States
I hear what you are saying daddysproblem however if someone says that a couple of times and doesn't answer my question that I asked twice then I have to take some action. I tried to ask to get the comments clarified and didn't get a response.

This kind of situation has come up over the years a couple of times and someone making a clear comment that they are a "partial" Psychopath vs. asking about learned behavior is crossing a line that members don't need to read about. I did have an email exchange with her and explained the policy. I never got a response here giving her a chance to clarify it and instead my questions were ignored and she kept posting on other threads. Sorry but I have to be the mother hen and make sure that anyone who even thinks they are a Psychopath has to go. There are many forums now that accept that kind of conversations.

I clearly understand the question of learned behavior and that is a valid conversation.

Sorry for not responding earlier.

Di

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#12796 - 03/13/12 11:17 PM Re: The stare, what about the stare? [Re: Dianne E.]
daddysproblem Offline
member

Registered: 06/23/11
Posts: 99
Di,

I can't begin to tell you enough how much i appreciate your being a mother hen. You came through on an earlier occasion where someone was really causing me to feel unsafe here. I was so appreciative that you asked them to leave.

So, yes, thank you again - and again - and again.

This is the only place I can go to find like minded souls. What you have created here is nothing short of a miracle for me and I'm sure others here. We don't have anyplace to go where we are understood so easily.

Having a tough day here. Psychopath-daddy is still able to maintain the love and support of his followers. I am the outcast. It just hurts so much sometimes - sometimes it's almost unbearable.. So thank you for this place.

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#12797 - 03/14/12 03:39 AM Re: The stare, what about the stare? [Re: daddysproblem]
starry Offline
member

Registered: 01/06/11
Posts: 350
I too appreciate you being mother hen, Di.

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#12798 - 03/14/12 04:43 AM Re: The stare, what about the stare? [Re: starry]
NotCrzy Offline
member

Registered: 02/13/12
Posts: 61
I concur. Although I am still paranoid the ex-Psychopath will find my posts. But I guess he would need to be cruising psychpath websites, which would show more insight than i think he has.

A big thankyou to all the posters on this forum both current and past. Even when I do not post I have been reading this forum daily, it is helping with my sanity and keeping me on so e kind of recovery track. Some days I am so strngly tempted to contact him, for my insane detached behaviour and profess my undying love. Reading this forum reinforces the futility of such an act, and the ongoing, far worse suffering I would endure for doing so. Detaching entirely from the Psychopath is the only viable course of action. Even if this process is so horribly painful, confusing and feels wrong. It is reassuring to read your experiences and know tat how I feel is not in isolation, that my reactions and feelings are not uniquely crazy and people u derstand my questioning, insecurities, fears and overall experience.

I was reading a thread last night about Psychopaths using the things we love against us. This is another thing the ex Psychopath did, particularly with music. He would regularly ask my current favorite songs and while initially he may reflect some shared enjoyment in them, inevitably he would either use them against me (eg by quoting them during a disagreement and permanently attaching them to a negative experience in my mind) or would start teasing my taste down the track. His initial shared enjoyment of songs would actally build them up for me, he would encourage my likes only to chop them down severely in the long run. I don't know if this was a deliberate ploy to make sure he hurt me, or if it stems from a genuine disinterest in others.

He was especially hurtful over fashion. He would compliment me in a particular outfit, and as a result I would wear it often, knowing he liked it. Then out of the blue he would give me the biggest insults - you look pregnant in that dress, you look like you're wearing charity clothes. This not only hurt me, but confused me, as literally the week before he would have told me it was the sexiest dress he'd ever seen. When I called him on this behaviour he told me I was insane, that he never said the outfit was attractive, must have been my other boyfriend. Now, girls do not forget overwhelming compliments (especially when they are hard to come by) and they sure do not forget which outfits drew them, so I am 100% certain I did not misinterpret anything. The behaviour just seemed bizarre to me, how he could continuously change his mind...tell me to always wear jeans to make my rear end show off then ask me why I never wear dresses, tell me I look terrible in jeans. Then when I always wear a dress, tell me girls are such sluts they wear dresses so they blow up in the wind and men can see their underwear and I'm clearly wearing one to pick up men.

I now totally understand that a) compliments or insults had nothing to do with the actal clothes, they were entirely about controlling how I felt and a way to build me up or cut me down entirely for his own motives. He could care less about any outfit and probably never really noticed or cared what I was wearing. And b) ibstructions on how to dress were totally about control and had nothing whatsoever with wat he wanted to see. He just wanted to make me jump through hoops wherever he placed them. I can only imagine how empty life must really be inside a Psychopath when you do that for kicks.

Feeling quite strong this afternoon, after spending the morning almost dialing his number. It is like quiting smoking, just hold out for a few more minutes and the urge will pass if you are lucky. However, i still can't see myself not always having some desire to hold him. Early days I guess, not even 3 months away yet after 3 years together (and prior to that, a13 year online relationship).

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