I feel crazy! Why the hell did I allow this to happen..and continue with this man? I need to get my head back on straight.....I feel like I had satan himself in my life....I sound nuts. Thanks for listening....it helps.
I´ve been reading your posts and hope you´ll keep as far away as you can from that monster.
I always thought it was an arrogant attitude when people would say things like: "you had to be in my shoes to understand it." And i still do because people who say that often had it so easy on them that they try to make it look as if it was a big deal whatever they´ve been trough and it´s some kind of stupid vanity i can´t understand. Unfortunately that´s not our case.
You see, these parasites will lower your self esteem making you feel like you don´t deserve them that they´re the best thing that ever happened in your life. At first they will treat you so good like no one has ever had only to show their true faces later. We try to understand it because in our minds nobody can be that evil, especially the one we love and then they blame you for everything they´ve done wrong and in that situation where your mind can´t conceive and understand what´s going on you believe them. At this point your self esteem is so low that you doubt and blame yourself.
After that you make everything to rescue that perfect relationship with that perfect person thinking everything can turn back to normal but that relationship never existed and we find that out we´re so broken that it feels so bad, so heavy that we just want it to stop and go away but sadly for us that´s not the worst of it. These monsters will turn everyone they can against you and often people will come at you telling you to go back. You doubt your sanity: "Am i wrong?" "Why nobody is at my side?" "How can´t they see what i see?" But the final blow... the one that scars you for life... is when you find out there is a name for these monster, a name you thought was only for serial-killers that appear on tv and movies from time to time. A Psychopath. Fear takes you over as soon as you understand their nature.
At this point, the damage they´ve done through this whole sick experience have a different effect on each and everyone of their victims. Many perish before they realize what these monsters really are and many after. I know that because after i figured it all out i tried to take my own life and i thank myself now i didn´t suceeded because when you do that to yourself you don´t go alone you take everyone who loves you with you and they will suffer through the rest of their lives blaming themselves and asking how blind were they that they didn´t noticed you were that bad.
So you see, Becky, you´re not crazy and never was and never will be. You´re still here, still standing, still fighting and that´s how strong you are. People may not understand what you´ve been trough but we do. This forum has helped me a lot and will help you too.