I dare not forgive because I cannot forgive while still remembering how he really was, under the veneer of wonderful.

I can only stay safe by staying away and if I forgive and forget the real, the Psychopath, I will only remember the false wonderful mask and I would want to try to recapture that again.

I need to hold on to knowing as a protective shield and I cannot forgive while doing that.

Smokey, exactly what I'd say.
I guess thats why its so hard, you cannot really forgive.

I totally agree...I wish I could totally forgive because I feel as if giving them even a little bit of my bitterness and anger i'm giving them something..... and I don't EVER want to give them any thing or feeling (good or bad) ever again!Cut my losses and thank God i'm not dead....and I don't have some serious disease.

I agree with you there Becky. I also give thanks I am not bankrupt and that I still have my family and friends, not to mention that I now have my life back- so long as I never weaken to have him back in it.

All these are great positive ways to get revenge on the Psychopath, by not letting him destroy me, while improving my own welfare.Win/win.

I noticed in myself something..still searching for words.

I was really good at "shortcuts" to forgiveness.

He hurt me. I skipped the part where I fully grasped what he did and how that hurt me. I forgave him. He would do the exact same thing again. I was angry for a bit and forgave him. Etcetera.

I guess I skipped some essential parts. There was no real forgiveness, because I didn't truly feel what he did. It was more like an empty decision than truly felt forgiveness.

Now I don't know if I can ever forgive him. First the abuse has to stop. My son and I have to get out safely, healthily. I have to connect again to all my own feelings, heal completely, forgive myself. My loved ones have to heal. All that is priority.

Then, if all that succeeds, forgiveness as a feeling towards him might come. Or not, if the harm is too big to forgive. No shortcuts anymore.

marinade....that was so well put......thank you.

marinde, you're so very wise.

Thanks.

Not so wise in reality though... it's easy to write it down, but took me 2 years to figure it out..

I'm having a bad day.....I feel sick to my stomach...I suppose it's good that I do. It reminds me to NEVER go back. I can't wait until I can be rid of any thing that ties me to the monster!......Even if it is a feeling of vomit...I don't even want to give him that. I want to stop thinking about any of it.....I wish I could just wake up and be done with my thoughts about him.......I F** hate that son of a [censored]! But, i'll NEVER tell him.....Never...here's hoping tomorrows the day I become free.....thanks for being there for me.

I wish people would write more frequently here......I'm finding it so helpful when people respond......it's so hard doing this on my own.....