I got this quote today, and wanted to share with all of you:

"True love of self entails a profound acceptance of ourselves--returning to Presence and settling into ourselves as we actually are without attempting to change our experience."

That makes sense Newbird. I always felt that ex h was happy with me, that he felt peaceful but continually was trying to rewrite his reality. I feel @ peace in myself.. am trying to not make changes that are unnescessary or which will throw me off kilter too much.

The healing from this trauma, all of the loss, changes/abuse in regards, takes time to heal from. I know exercise helps me too to keep a center to myself. Lately I've started journaling again which seems to help me also in reordering of my life.

I agree being in the PRESENT helps. I think too it's allowing God To Be In Charge, His Will Be Done!

Nice quote, thanks for sharing it!

To be honest, I haven't been feeling well those few past days. Some memories came rushing back, and it made me wonder again. All the doubt, the feelings came back. Not that strong though, but still... it hurts a little bit.
I was looking for some stuff and found a photo... It made me really sad, and it made me wonder again.

I wanted to post about it, but really had no time, cos I'm working really hard right now (which is good).
Some questions occurred, and I felt really sad again. I even got scared that all the pain would come back.
But I decided to just wait and see. Patience is very important.

And today it came down on me - all the answers... It's clear again. It's amazing though how the Psychopaths create their reality, the perfect, flawless realm... And how it clashes with the reality...

I've been wondering where this weird feeling of pain (I cannot compare it to anything else) comes from. And I found this today:
After all, the truth is WE ALL did love them. We loved the perfect, ideal person. We loved the feeling. And the hardest part is accepting that there is no such thing... There will never be another... There will not be a better one. I instinctively felt it after the brake up and I understand it now. It is a loss of sth we had, not them. It is the loss of a beautiful feeling, that can never be replaced.

And that hurts the most. The world seems sadder without it.

Correct me if I'm wrong here:)


I was also reflecting on my other relationships, and how this one was different. And I realized, with the others, it was... normal. With him, it was one huge battle. And strangest feelings, really bad feelings that controlled me and scared my soul.



No matter how many regrets though, I know i wouldn't be where I am now had it all not happened to me. So it doesn't really matter in the end. What's important is now.

Newbird, it does sound like you are peaceful in yourself & that's good.

I had the weirdest dream (nightmare really) last night .. I haven't had any like this since he left the last time. I dreamed he came back again, but then he was with his ex & I met him somewhere & there they all were, I wanted to ... (nauseated is what it made me).. & he was dumping me yet again,
so I was forced to be homeless again/ had to take the city bus / was so weird/ then this man comes up to me & kisses me, this long kiss &.. reminded me of a very brief date I had with a guy after he left (for real).. there was much attraction between us & def each other's type, he was a cutie.. but I was not ready to date as it was not but 9 months after he left.. timing wasn't right.. that guy kissed me & there were sparks.. (I even told him I wanted to be friends only/ he kiss me anyways.. def sparks!) but I was not ready for a relationship. I am still facing many changes even 2 yrs after this mess (since he left) & more yet to come.. I can relate to not feeling well lately, may be change of season but I am rather worn out. tired of constant changes of which are not upward movement changes thanks to this nightmare.

I've heard a trauma bond is stronger. I hear you too, I was in love with him yet it caused me more grief than I could ever imagine & the last few days I am thinking even, for what?

Good you are busy.. I've got more things going here lately.. I need to deal with what is in front of me, but..
Cute guy at the store yesterday was watching me..that's fun. Maybe it's time for a makeover/new clothes & hairdo.

No, there's nothing like the experience with a Psychopath! Up to the top of mountain then they shove ya off the edge of a cliff. I may be about to land, I hope so. YES, being centered & in the moment, peaceful is a good place to be! Most days I'm there.. I still don't miss him. He didn't want to be here obviously, so nothing to miss!

1Healing, please dont take offence. I am reading what you write and it feels so familiar. But I sense a little bit of denial, you don't miss him. Of course thats just my experience, but I used to tell that myself so many times...
The truth is though, I do miss him. Of course I do. The perfect flawless person I loved so much, I miss. Sometimes I have moments of memories, not even of him but of the places and little things. they make me wonder for a moment.
And it always reminds me that there were things that made me really happy. The feeling connected, that I dont feel now. This innocence. But that was all just what he made me feel, and what I wanted to feel, he made this perfect reality that was too good to be true yet I wanted to believe it simply coz I thought it was worth a try...

Of course I don't miss the guy that hurt me so much. But I miss the fake-one I loved. That's sth that'd been hard to admit, but once I did, I could let go. I realized I don't miss him... I miss this feeling... And it was MINE not his.
And I started looking at the present instead of the past. Did I love him? Yes. Would I want him to be that person he faked to be? Yes. But The reality is different, and he will never be that person. And would I want to be with the guy now? Hell no!

I hope I made this clear:) I dont really know where you are, but looking at your posts I feel you are on a good way and you know with your instincts what to do. Follow them, but never deny your true feelings. I always think its better to sit and cry, even for long, that to try and deny your pain. Coz if its not set free, it will stay inside. Running away doesnt help coz the thing is inside you. You have to find a way to let it all go. And I dont think there is another way than to acknowledge the feelings, and then they can go away.

Anyways, not to sound too sad, I've regained my strength again, and I am soooo happy now! These past week was fenomenal! I feel with every such little "doubt" that comes every now and then, I get s much stronger. So now Im not even scared of them, like I used to be, I am happy that they're still here. Coz they build me up, and everytime I become happy again, I feel like I am even more happy this time. I have so much energy for life, and I do what I love doing.

The most important thing Ive learned from this lesson is to always be patient with things. Good things in life are worth waiting for! Second is to be yourself. Psychopaths deprive you of yourself and you have to find yourself again. But once you do, you will love this person. I was so distroyed by him. And now, I cannot go anywhere without people literally falling in love with me, my personality. But I am just myself, and they love it. Its a great feeling:D I used to be such a mess with him. Now I sometimes get a glimpse of me in some mirror and I am, really, like: "wow, what a great girl". And then I realize it's my reflection... its weird, its like not recognizing ME... But maybe I am not there yet, I still have a lot of work to do... I guess the people already see the great perosn I am, but I still have some trouble believing in myslef... But well, it is still perfect for now:D I feel great!

Hi Dianne, This is all overwhleming to read. I was in a 9 month relationship with a man who I now know to be a psychopath. He lied and wormed his way in to my life and moved in with in a week of dating me. He was like a paracite. All take but could give nothing back emotionally or in any other way. He lack of compassion was terrifying. I am intelligent and highly educated, I have amazing friends and a great job. I never thought I would be taken in by someone like him. He lied compulsivly and was increadibly violent and abusive. He studied me carefully and used my like and passions to establish a false connection between us He knew I loved animals my dog and cats. So made out he loved animals. But, within months of moving in the way he beat my dog it was very clear he did not love animals, then he started to beat me. I thought i was going mad because he always justified beating me and had a demonic like ability to convince me I was in the wrong. He was extemely manipulative and controlling and very nearly destroyed my life and almost lost me my liberty. i thought I was going insane living with him even though I have always been emotionally strong and stable. He was inceadibly sadistic and was all take. It feels unbelieveable. Becausce when I first met him, he was kind, sensitive, generous and supportive. it was like living with two different people. The police were involved in the end and I had to go to court. It was horrific. He also had an amazing ability to con me out of money and my possessions. The court case finally ended on the 2nd week of Janujary this year. So this is all very new and raw to me. Thankfully, all my friends and my work colleagues and employer have supported me all the way.

It ended very badly with the police removing him from my home. I have read that they hoard women, and I have been warned it is likely he will come back. Surely, that cannot be true can it?

Hi Chloe, I am going to Dr. appts. and will answer tonight.

Yes, they do come back, you sound like you can set boundaries. They do study you and that is how they get into your life. They have an uncanny way of getting information to then turn it against you.

I am sure other members will come along in the meantime and I will answer more in the evening.

You are dealing with pure evil.

Keep in mind they go after kind and caring people. Writing about it can help to get it out of your mind and him out of your life.

Yes they usually have a bunch of women at the same time and move onto the next one quickly. It is like a salesman scanning through their address book with a list of women to ensnare.

I hope you have changed your locks, put in some cameras and do what you can to make sure he doesn't come back to hurt you or your pets. You can get cameras cheap, there is some information here, you can log on from work and see what is going on, take every precaution.

Di

Here in the US, last night the show 60 minutes on CBS had a segment on depression meds and tests done using placebos (sugar pills). Finally the information is hitting the main stream.

Depression medication and placebos

I just went the rounds with the shrink I was seeing last week, it was a tense discussion. Shingles can elevate depression, who wouldn't be depressed. I found out in the last couple of weeks that my symptoms are permanent (severe tinnitus in my ears and pain on my face) my eye is so sensitive to light I have to stay in my room with the curtains pulled, that will heal in time. I just wanted help working through it all. He started in on me about how I should be on mood elevators and meds for depression, when I refused he got quite tense. In their world they view a patient refusing meds as being crazy. I am not crazy and I told him that look at what meds have already done to me. I have permanent blockage in my legs due to a mood stabilizer.

My only hope for the severe nerve damage is acupuncture. I will never take drugs again, it took years off my life, thanks to meds, they will never get me on them as long as I am alive.

The good news is I spent the week-end processing things and will deal with things in my own way without meds or being told I am crazy.

When you get off the meds it takes time for the neurons in your brain to reconnect. That is why people feel lousy without them and are easy to convince to go back on them. A person has to ride it out and the neurons and your brain will need time to heal.

Di

Can someone help me?! I just found out that is psychopath is seeing someone who lives at my old apt building. Also she works in a local store about a half mile (each direction) from my store and the apt building....funny because she has lots of tatoos I guess and is a chain smoker (both of which he would tell me how much he couldnt stand)....my kids see his truck and him there at the apt building all the time.....And, I have to drive by the store everyday....numerous times....I want to go in the store and warn her...I know I shouldn't say anything...I don't know her...I want call him up and tell him to f off.....so bad. Please help me to not react to this....anybody??!!!!!

Hi becky, Please think this through. I can only tell you what I would do and that would be to steer clear, we all want to protect victims, however in the "honeymoon" state you will only be putting a bulls eye target on your back. It is 100% likely she will tell him what you say.

Can you drive another way to avoid going by there? Please be careful.

It is the hardest thing I have ever had to say to victims in your position over the years, we all want to protect victims but it can backfire.

Please think clearly about what is in your best interest. You are a good and kind person and I know you want to help the next victim but I can assure you it is like going into a gun fight waving a pencil.

Di